sometimes, i think far too much. i go over and over in my head...like a broken record, trying to find a little piece of a situation i might have missed. that maybe if i re-think it ten million times, what i did wrong or what i could have done differently will somehow magically appear and i'll be able to have closure. is that all i'm searching for? closure? but for what... i am convinced now, 
that all i really want is for me to feel ok and comfortable. a wise friend once told me that we are taught today to run and hide from hurt. it is so important to me to assuage my wounds. make them go away. find "closure" so that i stop hurting. but this isn't the journey i'm on. God isn't there for me just to be my red-cross nurse, staunching my open wounds after a battle. he needs to be my buddy, fighting along side me, holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder when i recount all my losses.
i just can't wrap my head around allowing myself to hurt, but to place into gentle, capable hands. will that really help me feel any better than thinking myself dizzy?
isn't it interesting that sometimes we want to know so bad...and then when we find out, it devestates us to no end. what is that in us that makes us want to know the depth of the brokenness? i would be open to hearing what you think about this.
i don't mean for this to be an "emo" blog...but i have been thinking myself crazy these past weeks and am learning slowly that hurt doesn't need to be swept under the rug. and maybe closure is a selfish thing... maybe its not my privilagage or secret to know.
somewhere in the back of my mind i hear the gentle voice whisper through my whirlwind of thoughts, "my ways are beyond your ways..." and i can barely hear it because i am so sure that i know whats best. afterall, it is my life. i do live it everyday. ha. but he created it. sometimes it makes me laugh to see how blinded i am.
God, hear my heart cry. i place my hurts, my fears, my desires, my confident attitude...all of it...in your hands. even if its hard to believe it right now, i choose to know that you care so much for me. i pray that i may learn to hear your consistent voice through my buzzing thoughts, to know that you have never left or forsaken me, but that i have muddled the airwaves with my self-centered pride.
thank you for second chances and for a love so great it chose me, with all my righteousness resembling something akin to dirty rags.
xoxo
that all i really want is for me to feel ok and comfortable. a wise friend once told me that we are taught today to run and hide from hurt. it is so important to me to assuage my wounds. make them go away. find "closure" so that i stop hurting. but this isn't the journey i'm on. God isn't there for me just to be my red-cross nurse, staunching my open wounds after a battle. he needs to be my buddy, fighting along side me, holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder when i recount all my losses. i just can't wrap my head around allowing myself to hurt, but to place into gentle, capable hands. will that really help me feel any better than thinking myself dizzy?
isn't it interesting that sometimes we want to know so bad...and then when we find out, it devestates us to no end. what is that in us that makes us want to know the depth of the brokenness? i would be open to hearing what you think about this.
i don't mean for this to be an "emo" blog...but i have been thinking myself crazy these past weeks and am learning slowly that hurt doesn't need to be swept under the rug. and maybe closure is a selfish thing... maybe its not my privilagage or secret to know.
somewhere in the back of my mind i hear the gentle voice whisper through my whirlwind of thoughts, "my ways are beyond your ways..." and i can barely hear it because i am so sure that i know whats best. afterall, it is my life. i do live it everyday. ha. but he created it. sometimes it makes me laugh to see how blinded i am.
God, hear my heart cry. i place my hurts, my fears, my desires, my confident attitude...all of it...in your hands. even if its hard to believe it right now, i choose to know that you care so much for me. i pray that i may learn to hear your consistent voice through my buzzing thoughts, to know that you have never left or forsaken me, but that i have muddled the airwaves with my self-centered pride.
thank you for second chances and for a love so great it chose me, with all my righteousness resembling something akin to dirty rags.
xoxo
