Mama Talk

Ok, so I know I still need to finish Europe recaps, but this was on my heart today and so I wanted to share it.  (FYI, we did make it home safely and have survived jet lag surprisingly well...I promise I'll share more later).

A former co-worker of mine shared a status on facebook the other day about how while she is happy for people having babies, she just can't understand why people our age would voluntarily choose to have a baby.   And it made sense.  And got me thinking.  I mean, mostly I get the grown-up warm fuzzies from paying my credit card bill on time, having car insurance, nailing an interview, keeping my dog alive...but birthing and raising a human?  Nurturing a new soul and body?  Whew.  That's deep.

What in the world am I doing?  In unexpected moments, I have this thought.  It is accompanied by all sorts of other questions.  Are we ready for this?  Will I be a good mom?  Will I be able to keep my baby alive?  What if I mess up?  Why do I feel like I'm only a teenager and so not ready for this?  Are we ready for the financial changes?  How will I handle all the mom-judgement out there for the choices I will make?  Will Ben and I's relationship suffer?

Now granted, these moments are fleeting...and I can easily answer all of them, along with a firm, "by the grace of God."  But they do happen.  And sometimes they do rock my boat a little bit.  Threaten to distract me and shake me up a bit.  I wonder for a brief moment why we voluntarily chose to do this baby thing and feel totally unprepared.  (Ok, ok...that "brief moment" may be a little longer, and accompanied by tears, moodiness and the general appearance of being a complete basket case).

But then I feel a little nudge on the right side of my belly, wedged right up under my rib cage (his all-time favorite hang-out spot).  It still catches me off guard.  But I will never grow tired of it... or the feeling that washes over me every time.  This is it.  I was meant to be a mom.  I have longed and desired to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  I am overwhelmed with gratefulness at the opportunity I have to not only carry this child one more day, but eventually, Lord willing, raise and nurture him, alongside my amazing teammate.   All of the sudden all the doubts fly away.

I know this will work.  I will not be the perfect mom...and I will probably make less desirable decisions more often than I'd like...we may feel a bit tight for cash at times...I will be judged by other moms for some decisions I make...My baby's days are numbered and no amount of worrying will change that...

And like I said...it is by the grace of God that I can even come to these conclusions.   I have been given a gift.  An amazing undeserved gift.  I mean, how great am I to have been given the responsibility of bringing another human being into the world and then raising him?  (answer: not really that great, when I think about it...)

 The beauty of this gift is it doesn't look the same as everyone elses.   Some people are given the gift to love and adopt a child who is in need of a forever home.  Some people are given the gift of parenting hurting children for a brief time before they move on to another home.  Some people are given the gift of being able to love on children around them-whether through their job, as an auntie etc...  Some people are given the gift of carrying a baby in their womb and birthing them.

Each one is carried out by a woman who is unique, strong and has access to just the right amount of grace to get her through life each day with her gift.  And none of us are particularly more deserving, worthy or equipped to be entrusted with this gift of a mother-heart more than another.

Especially me.

So I don't want to take it for granted.  In fact, I have decided to look at each doubt, worry and fear of the present and future to be little reminders of how not to take it for granted.  and how to change them from tendrils leading to discouragment into segways revealing truth nuggets.   For example: I have very little control over the health of my baby.  Some people trash their bodies and their babies turn out perfectly healthy.  Some people follow every rule by the book and things get complicated.  Of course I strive to be responsible and healthy and do what I am able to do to help get the best outcome...But ultimately my baby and I are in God's hands and each day of health is a gift from Him.

I hope some of these ramblings made sense.  I think the bottom line is this:  I don't always feel ready.  I most definitely don't always feel confident.  But I will bask in this gift...in the feeling of this little life moving around inside me...in the grace I desperately need each day and will continue to rely on with each new step in this journey.

Grateful for the many Mama-hearts around me who walk alongside me in this journey, relying on grace, sharing truth, encouraging each other when those waves of doubt threaten to rock (or sink) our boat.