I know my last post made it seem like everything is great, dandy and fine. Which, for the most part, it is. But there are also underlying dynamics about this season which are catching me off guard, even though their refrain is all too familiar.
*fair warning...word vomit about to ensue.
My point in sharing all of this is I want to do this parenting thing well... Not perfect, not without flaws...but genuine, honest, forward and onward.
I don't consider myself a pessimist, generally speaking. And I am really not an optimist either. I like to think I am a realist. Looking at things realistically, evaluating and preparing accordingly. However, I do have this one thing I do, and it is particularly bad right now.
Inside my head and heart, I prepare myself for the worst, or at least allow the worst to be a realistic option. I do this so that the worst can't blindside me, because I already considered it and made plans to deal with it. For example, if I am hosting a party with mixed friends and family groups, I lower my expectations for how well the dynamics will mesh. That way, if the group doesn't jive, and people don't seem to have a good time...well, I expected that, so I'm not disappointed. Makes sense, right?
Well, Ben and I were talking about it last night and I realized that I have been doing this big time for becoming a mom...and a stay-at-home mom, to boot! I have heard so many stories about how exhausting and thankless and stressful being a mom is. I have heard how it will strain my marriage, I will be disgusted with my body and will wear sweats 24-7 and maybe get a shower once a week. I have heard how depression will settle over me and I may have trouble bonding with my baby. I have heard that doing laundry, meals, tidying, errands etc...will not be accomplished in a timely or complete manner because it is all to much to juggle. I have heard that alone time with my husband will be practically non-existent for at least the first year. I have heard that I shouldn't have too high of standards for my children or myself in the discipline department, because it just isn't realistic.
And maybe pieces of that may very well be true at various times. And just maybe it will all happen at once. I don't know. But I find myself preparing for that. Trying not to assume I will be exempt from any of it. Unfortunately, in the process, I resign myself to the fact that I am not even capable of better. I want to prepare Ben for this kind of mom/wife I am sure to become. That if he expects anything better than what I described above, he wil be sorely disappointed...so start preparing now, buddy! Slowly all the confidence I had, all the excitement and anticipation of being a mom is clouded over by the really depressing reality that seems to be inevitable. It sucks me down into a really unhealthy spiral of self-deprication, insecurity... and ultimately the mantras I find myself repeating in an effort to be prepared end up becoming truths in my life.
I already kind of got the "Don't be fooled, you aren't exempt" reminders on facebook for stating a particular standard for myself and my child in a certain aspect of parenting. So I realize what I am about to say may very well bring out those well-meaning reminders that I am not above it all, and I may as well pull my head out of the clouds. But in people's efforts to be realistic and prepare me (which, as you can see, I do plenty of myself), they don't always balance that with the positives of this mommy thing. I know they mean well, and really just want to share their war stories. But where are the joys? The accomplishments? The encouragements that if I have a goal or standard to stick with it, because goals and standards aren't bad. The truth that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. The rejoicing with others in their accomplishments, even if it is our area of struggle. Or supporting others in their moments of doubt and discouragement, and not flaunting that we have that figured out.
I don't want to be that wife and mother up there that has been layed out for me. Like I said before, I know aspects of it will be true...but they don't have to define me. Challenges will arise in my relationship with Ben, but it doesn't mean we have to let them bring lasting tension and distance between us. I will be tired and feel like crying at times, but that doesn't have to translate into depression. My body will be different, but that doesn't mean I will automatically resent my baby or the pregnancy process or hate myself every time I look in a mirror. It may be hard to get done various chores, tasks and errands on a set schedule and perfectly every time. But that doesn't mean I just give up and assume I'm not capable of a tidy house or yummy dinner.
It could mean those things if I let it. But it doesn't have to. In fact, I want to make some statements for myself that may come across as arrogant or ignorant or naive or whatever. But hear me out...
~I will take a shower as often as I need to. Mainly because showering is calming, rejuvinating and I love being clean.
~I will leave my baby with a trusted friend or family member for date nights because I refuse to have my world revolve solely around the little guy. I mean, it took the two of us to make him, and we are a team, and I can't kick my teammate (and friend, and lover and confidant and supporter) out now.
~I will invest in time with my baby, even if that means sacrificing folded clothes or having mac-n-cheese for dinner here and there. And if baby is sleeping or otherwise occupied, I will make an effort to fold the laundry and thaw the chicken...because Ben and I deserve clean clothes in our drawers and some protein in our bellies too.
~I will remind myself every time I pass a mirror that this body grew and nurtured a precious human life for 9 months. And each imperfection that my biased eyes see is actually the perfection of how intricately and amazingly God made my body to do this and they all combine to tell a beautiful story. And I will believe my husband when he tells me I am the most beautiful woman to him, not only because of my outward looks, but also because I carried our son and there is no other woman who meets that criteria.
~As my baby grows into a toddler, I will have certain expectations and standards of behavior, because that is my job as a parent. Even if it is tough and yields few results and feels pointless, I will press on. Because if I (we) don't do this hard work of teaching and journeying through the selfish, ungrateful, angry, disrespectful moments with our kid...we are ultimately doing him a disservice as his parents.
~I will accept help, because I don't have to do it all alone or prove anything to anyone, and I don't believe I was meant to. That is the beauty and purpose of community, family, and loving like Jesus loved.
~I will allow myself to be encouraged by my support system. When they speak words of truth and uplifting encouragement, I will choose to believe them.
My life won't look perfect. I will struggle. But I want to commit to stand strong against what the Enemy is whispering in my ear. He wants me to believe that this will be miserable or overwhelmingly hard. That the joy will be overshadowed by the monotony and drudgery. This is a big step for me, because it leaves me open to the unknown. For if I don't expect the worst, I may very well get caught off guard and hurt. I guess that is where I find God...waiting for me in those moments. Offering yet another opportunity for me to seek Him out and rely on his strength to accomplish those things I stated above.
I am so grateful for my husband's presence through this messy discovery. He has confidence in me. Confidence in God in me. He doesn't think I'm crazy (even though I might be). He doesn't write me off as hormonal (even though I definitely am). He has grace for me when I have very little for myself. He has adjusted expectations, hugged me through meltdowns, spoken words of truth to me and at the end there was a foot-rub. I don't deserve him, but I am very grateful for him. And I can't wait to be a parent with him.
Sorry that was long...but I needed to write out some of my thoughts and where I am at. I can already tell this will be an ongoing journey for me, and I will probably reference this post in the future when I lose sight of all the things I just wrote.
4 comments:
You are going to be just fine Suzie!! My pediatrician gave me the most freeing advice right after Hallie was born...He said, "Put away all of the books (which includes well-meaning advice) and just get to know your baby. She is your book". That was such a blessing to me and I have shared it with many new moms. And most of those things you mentioned above, I haven't done either. I cook nearly every night even with newborns, I shower every day even with newborns, I never stay in sweats all day because it is important to me to not stay in sweats all day. I have had to learn about accepting help and John and I STILL struggle with date night, but you are so right, you have priority things and you will most likely accomplish those things. I went through post-partum depression pretty bad, but my mom had not. I had no one warn me about the possibility but you what, we made it through. The grace is there when it is needed. Just give yourself permission to be you and to flex with each day's circumstances and you will do just fine and so will Ben. He's a pretty solid guy from what you've said about him, he will roll with the punches just fine. Enjoy these last few weeks. Love ya
I hope you don't mind me being a blog hog, but I had to post some joys. Thank you for challenging me to think about this today! It is a very good exercise.
1. Baby smiles, laughs and coos
2. Watching your child sleep at night
3. Cuddling with your baby...(unless you have one like Hallie who was stiff as a board haha)
4. A sense of fulfillment in doing what you were created to do...mother
5. A deep sense of your need for God to help you, sustain you, give you wisdom
6. The thrill of seeing them grasp a concept especially a spiritual one and ask questions that make you really think
7. The satisfaction of seeing your child make a right choice even though you know it was hard to do
8. Seeing their personalities and gifts develop and catching a glimpse of who God has created them to be
9. Laughing over the crazy hilarious things they say especially from the time they start talking until they hit about 3rd grade
10. Seeing them love Jesus and worship Him with such innocence
11. Seeing the world through their eyes which is new and fresh and clean and clear
12. Watching your baby's face when he/she tastes real food for the first time. Want a real chuckle let him/her taste a lemon (when they are a little older of course :)
And sooo many more Suzy. So, many more. It is just easy to lose sight of them sometimes when the day has been long and exhausting, but then the Lord challenges us (maybe through a blog post) to see the joys! That was you today.
Most grateful for your wisdom, dear Peggy. We remember those uncertain days and now in retrospect realize how important it is to set our eyes on Jesus and bask in the beauty and perspective He brings to a season of life! Yes Suz...you're going to be just fine! xoxo m
Here are my thoughts, Suzy,
Any of these might happen, but most likely they won't all happen at once. There will be seasons when cleaning is difficult (toddler ages, I'm talking to you). Find a 12 year old home schooler to come watch your child for you an hour or two during the day (after she's finished with her schooling, of course) once a week so you can pound out the cleaning while she plays with the child. Put the baby in the bouncy seat in the bathroom with you while you shower and talk to him for the few minutes you're in there (You WILL perfect the very fast shower). Life will change in some ways, but you will change as well and you'll quickly get over the shock of the ways things are different and find new ways to do things. You probably won't get out as much, but you'll be so fascinated watching your baby develop that you might not even notice. You choose what you wear. No one is forcing you into sweats. And if you want to go that route, get cute yoga pants outfits. Food preparation seems overwhelming at first, but if you just start doing it, pretty soon it's no big deal again.
I'm not saying it's all easy. Definitely motherhood has been far harder than my full time teaching position. But all the things Peggy mentioned are so true. Keep your eye on God, your husband, and that sweet child and things will fall into place.
Post a Comment