We got some not so fabulous news yesterday. Our landlord finally sold the duplex we are living in (which we knew was going to happen eventually). We had been reassured that more than likely the new owner would probably be glad to have renters in it and so we wouldn't have to move. Well they were wrong. New owner apparently wants to live in our unit while renting out the upstairs unit. And we have to be out by January 6. To add to that, we will be gone about 2 weeks this month, leaving very little time to find a new place, pack up and move. More than the actual having to move, we were a bit frustrated with the timing...holiday time just plain isn't convenient. This stirs up so much in me. I know that God will take care of us. But I have lots of feelings that are running wild.
We are settled here. I have come to really enjoy and appreciate that. We just got Asher's little space all situated and it works well.
What will it mean if we don't find a house right away. What if we don't find a deal as financially good as this one. If we stay with family for a little while while we look, it will mean not feeling settled in my own home using my own things. How long until I sleep in my own bed again? Use my own dishes? Cook with my own spices?
It will mean NEW routine just after I got established in this one.
It is exciting because it could mean exciting new things. But I was okay without exciting. I was okay just having life be.
I keep looking around and thinking these are the last days enjoying this house. I get so dramatic with my lasts.
I want to enjoy my time in CA without worrying about all of this. Packing seems so insurmountable. I am overwhelmed just at the thought. After this, we will have lived in 3 places in 2.5 years of marriage. It is definitely upending what my idea of "home" is. And I confess I didn't want it challenged, messed with or redefined anymore.
People have said how parenting exposes how selfish they truly are? Well in my experience so far, this is exposing far more of my selfish thoughts and feelings than parenting.
I feel like a petulant 5-year-old: all I want to do is sit down, cross my arms over my chest and cry about how I just don't want to do it, and they can't make me.
Embarrassing...but kind of what I'm struggling with.
*deep breath*
Lord, I give these selfish thoughts to you. I know they are all about me and my comfort and convenience. Thank you for holding everything in your hands so that as I work through letting this go, I can trust you will handle it. Thank you for your patience as I struggle to translate my head knowledge of your provision into heart trusting. I am grateful that we have such a strong support network. People who have already offered their rooms for us to sleep in, their time and labor to help with packing or watching Asher, their prayers and encouragement. It is undeserved given my inner-most thoughts. Thank you for Ben, because I don't know what I would do without him.
Actually I do. I would be a basket case.
I choose in this moment (as I will need to keep choosing in future moments) to trust you, to keep on moving forward, to be grateful that we have had a home and will have another roof over our heads, even if it looks different than we expected.
Amen
3 comments:
So sorry about the unexpected holiday move out date...made me sad for you. I even spent time trying to find another place for you on Zillow! In the end, it's God who provides...you were right about that! May it turn out to be better than you could ask or imagine!
love,
m
Suzy I'm so sorry for this. I remember a knock on my door when Rebecca was about the same age as Asher with the same news. I DID sit down on the floor and cried. I was so sad. Then we went to live in a kinda crummy apartment in a dirty part of town and neighbors were loud and had an obnoxious hairy dog. I was still sad. Eventually we got a new house. Sometimes life is like that. I'm sorry.
Suzy, From another friend who knows what it is like to move every year...you have my sympathy and prayers. I wish I could be there to help you pack up. I am afraid I have it down to a science. Living with others or in limbo does at least remind us not to feel too at home in this world. May our security and sense of home become increasingly from being in His presence. Stephany
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