Re: Slut-shaming

Just as a forewarning, this is not an article with pictures and warm fuzzy updates on my life.  If this topic makes you uncomfortable...you can catch me on the next post with pictures and warm fuzzies.

I am writing this in reaction to an article I read recently.  (Link here) It was about how parents are "slut-shaming" their children (especially their daughters) and that it is damaging to them.  I was interested to see what the author said on the topic. I am generally interested in the topics of sexuality as it relates to a parent's role in the formation of healthy views of sexuality in their childrens' lives.  Because I believe it is the role of the parents (especially Christian parents) to help form the foundational truths behind sexuality...because God created this very important aspect of life and it cannot be skipped over or ignored.

She began by saying: [P]arents can be especially impactful during our formative teenage years, when we're learning how to function as adults and how to understand ourselves and our needs."
I thought to myself, "Yes!  I like where this is going...parents are important!"
She then continued on to talk about how slut-shaming is pervasive in culture and ruining people's views of sexuality.  Parents' jobs are to empower their children to be "more informed about their bodies" and "become more sex positive."

I don't know about you, but words like "empower" and "sex positive" sort of rub me the wrong way.  Not that they are necessarily bad, but in this context, it implies there is some kind of breakdown or distortion of these things [truth] but the fix is coming from the wrong place [i.e. a positive pep-talk parents can give their kids to prepare them to fit into a twisted worldview].
The rest of the article continued to disappoint me.  It listed 5 ways parents need to stop interfering in their kids' lives.  I am going to address them in order:
1. Placing too much value on their virginity
2. Policing what they wear
3. Micromanaging their dating lives
4. Invading their personal space
5. Media designed for kids
Let me preface with this: I believe there are principles that are foundational to how parents guide their children on this topic.  I also believe that the way these principles get taught and modeled can be done so very poorly and often do much damage.  That does not mean that the principles should be abandoned.  The author of this article calls for the dismissal of these principles.  I propose that we peel back the layers of dysfunctional execution of said principles and search for the truths at the core.

**Also, for the sake of clarification, when referring to children in this, I am meaning children under 18 who live in the home and are dependent on their parents.  Adult children 18 and up who live in the home and are financially independent are not my intended subject matter. **

1.  Placing too much value on virginity. 
The author said, "When parents place too much value on their child's virginity, it can result in crippling self-esteem issues and an unhealthy understanding of sex and sexuality."
I would argue that the words "too much value" should be replaced with "the wrong kind of value."  Virginity is valuable.  For the believer it is a piece of remaining sexually pure before marriage, which is something that God calls us to as temples of His Spirit.  For everyone (believer and unbeliever alike), it is by far the most effective way to keep your body healthy and STI free, not to mention it is a 100% guarantee pregnancy preventer.
However, if a parent focuses solely on keeping their child from participating in the act of sex because being a technical virgin is so important, they are missing the point, and it is likely there will be some self-esteem issues and unhealthy understanding of sex and sexuality.  Many children that are a product of that kind of fear-based parenting will enter marriage with a skewed view of sex.

Virginity is not the principle. The principle is sexual purity.  Purity of mind, heart and body.  Sure, it is spiritually, emotionally and physically ideal to postpone sex until you are in the covenant of marriage, but that is not many people's reality.  And honestly, being a technical virgin doesn't mean you are sexually pure.
Sexual impurity takes many forms and runs rampant in today's culture.  And even though I was a technical virgin when I got married, it doesn't mean I didn't struggle with other forms of impure thoughts, states of mind and heart...which were just as detrimental to my emotional and spiritual well-being.  And for that, I needed as much redemption and grace as if I had been sexually active.  Because impurity is impurity...and that should be the focus of what we teach our children.


2. Policing what they wear:
I have to admit, the term "policing" isn't my favorite.  It conjurs up mental pictures of a parent wearing a neon vest and blowing a whistle while holding up their hand in a "STOP" gesture.  And that doesn't sound like effective parenting to me at all.  So I agree with the author that "policing" wardrobe isn't healthy.  I do, however, believe that it is a parent's job to teach and guide their children on how to dress.  This includes modesty, venue-appropriate clothing, tastefulness and cleanliness.

Modesty is a hot topic.  Mainly because no one can agree with what "modest" really means.  I believe modesty goes beyond rules on what you can and can't wear.  It really is a state of the heart.  The definition says, "Behavior, manner or apearance intended to avoid impropriety and indecency."  Modesty values decency and propriety.  It begins in the heart and mind and manifests itself in how we behave and dress.  I believe modesty is the principle we need to teach our children (boys and girls alike).

In addition to teaching the principle of modesty, I think parents have a right to make decisions about what their children wear (up to adulthood).  Especially if they are footing the bill, and the child is in their home.  The teaching must coincide with the clothing choices, so that when children do grow up and leave the home, they are sent out with reasons why they do what they do and principles on which to build the foundation of appropriate dressing for the future.  Some of this comes naturally and seem almost inherent.  We wouldn't let our 15-year-old daughter wear a bikini to a funeral.  We would advise our son not to wash the car in his prom tux.   These things may seem like a no-brainer, but someone taught us this (or we learned due to embarrassing or awkward experiences and picked up on social cues), and we must teach this to our children (or let them suffer the same embarrassment, I suppose).  And in some cases, it means teaching your child to have an awareness of things that are acceptable or not.  As far as tastefulness and cleanliness...those are important but are fluid, depending on your family or circumstances.
Bottom line:  Decide how you want these principles played out in your family.  Focus on the heart of the issue, not just a list of do's and don'ts.  As a parent you have the right and responsibility to say NO to the clothes your child may want to wear that you deem inappropriate.

3.  Micromanaging their dating lives: 
Again with the trigger word.  "Micromanage" makes any principle seem sour and uptight.  Whatever your personal beliefs are on dating, this is something that you should think about and prepare for.  How you choose to approach this topic can very well define your childrens' views on relationships.  I would say the principle behind this is healthy relationships with kids of the opposite sex.
I'll be honest.  I don't think there should be "dating" in the traditional sense, before adulthood.  But it is pretty unrealistic to assume the "opportunity" won't come up before then.  I would be really intentional about what is okay for my child to participate in.  Again, I believe that as a parent, I have the right and responsibility to guide my children and teach them by providing necessary boundaries.  

The fear of sex or other inappropriate behavior is often at the root of why parents don't want their kids to date.  The principle of healthy relationships between boys and girls is often clouded by that fear, and the boundaries parents put on their kids can be legalistic and often drive kids to push those boundaries.  I speak from experience.  Had my parents forbid me from talking to boys or having crushes or just plain noticing boys, I would have sought after it all the more.  And trust me, I did enough of that as it was.  But conversations that might have shut me down and pushed me into the arms of some delightfully eager teenage boy were turned away from do's and don'ts and focused on principles.  My mom would talk to me about boys...instead of freaking out if I admitted I really liked a boy, she asked what about him did I like?  What kind of characteristics and qualities was I drawn to?  Could I appreciate those things about him just by being friends with him?  We would talk about qualities that would be ideal to have in a husband someday.  If I wanted to talk to a boy (back in the good old days of email and AIM or MSN messenger), I had to CC my parents on the email or let them see the conversation I had with them on IM.  Sure it was awkward the first few times...but it was a good healthy way to converse with a boy.

I'm not saying that every family should do it the way mine did.  But you have the right and responsibility to put boundaries in place.  Especially in this day and age with the increasing technology and communication opportunities.  Simple text messaging can turn into sexting really quick.  For some reason we are a lot less reserved if there is a screen between us.

This leads me to my next point...

4.  Invading their personal space:
Personal space for a child is designated by a parent, and is a lot like trust.  If maintained in an appropriate manner, there is no need to "invade" it.  But if it is somehow misused or unsafe, it is the parents' right and responsibility to make the space open until personal space can be handled in a healthy way.   This may seem harsh, but let me explain.

A home belongs to parents.  Children live in the home, but their space is entrusted to them.  They do not become owners of their space.  Locked doors are not a right.  Password-locked computers and phones are not a right (especially if a parent is paying for them).  Unknown friends, sleepovers, activities etc...are not a right.

If you, as a parent, are snooping secretively without communicating with your child, that crosses the line and is misuse of your parental right to open space.  It can make break trust (yes it does go both ways), cause hurt and push your child away.  If you are going to look at your child's browsing history on his/her computer, your intentions should be communicated.  If you suspect your child might be in possession of something dangerous, a room search should include a conversation with your child.  

And an even more radical idea is, if your child has misused a computer or phone or car, you have the right and responsibility to communicate expectations, discontinue unmonitored use if necessary and teach the principle of entrusted space.

*The only thing that I would say is acceptable personal space that deserves privacy is a journal.  I am saying this from experience.  I was very open with my parents, but my journal was one thing they never read, or asked to read.  This was also due to the fact that we had open, regular conversation about my life, so any concerning topics were discussed.


5. Media designed for kids:
This one felt a little bit different than the others, because it really doesn't have anything to do with parents.  First of all, I do have a bone to pick with media that is designed for kids.  There are often adult themes woven in, there are themes of magic and sorcery, there are unrealistic relationship expectations and everyone lives happily ever after.  Makes for a good story, and as long as parents are communicating with their kids about the difference between fantasy and reality, there really isn't a huge problem.

The point the author made, however, bothered me.  She mentioned how much of kids' media reaffirms traditional gender norms.  This opens a whole other can of worms, but I will simply say, that is not a bad thing generally speaking.  She cited how the damsel in distress gets saved by a prince.  She did fail to mention the stories of Mulan, Merida and many others which feature a girl doing "boyish" things.  And I'm not sure I know any girls who were ruined by watching any of those movies when they were young.

In addition to that, she mentioned that the emphasis on a "first love" or "first kiss" or a forever type love is too strong and feeds into the "damaged goods" mentality if you don't stay with the first person you kissed.  While that is a harmful mindset, it doesn't mean we should praise the opposite.  First kisses with the person you are going to commit to aren't a bad thing.  In fact they can be very good (I know, my first kiss was when I was engaged to my husband).  There has to be a balance between letting the good be good, while not shaming those who haven't necessarily done that.

And yes, if parents let the movies teach their kids about love, relationships, self-worth, then there is no one to blame but themselves when things go south.  That doesn't mean that if you intentionally teach your kids about healthy and realistic relationships and gender roles they will have no troubles.  But it sure will save a lot of pain and heartache down the road if they have been taught and modeled healthy relationship dynamics.

  

Underlying all of these topics is a recurring theme:  Parents have the right and responsibility to be parents.  That role has been grossly distorted in todays culture.  We let the children take the reigns far too often.  Gone are the days when a parent could communicate an expectation and a child would obey or suffer consequences.  Now, parents ask their children what they want to do.  If there is much push-back, the parent changes their course and gives in or makes deals or resorts to bribery.  Discipline is either non-existent or handed out inappropriately, with no teaching and guidance.  Parents are so afraid of what their child might say, or what kind of fit they might throw, or a slammed door or a confrontational conversation.  They don't want to rock the boat.

Parents, it is time we reevaluate what our role is.  We are given these children for such a short time and it is our responsibility to teach them and guide them.  To equip them with the necessary tools to have a fighting chance at functional adulthood.  Parents who read the article I referred to might be nodding their heads because they have either seen or experienced the pain caused by poorly executed principles.  My hope is that they don't swing the other way on the pendulum and throw out the underlying principles.  I hope they can have the courage and do the hard work it takes to communicate principles to their kids in a healthy and confident way.  Don't be afraid of the awkward conversations...you are the parent.  The adult.  The supposedly mature one.  And almost more importantly, let your actions and behavior reflect the principles you are trying to teach.  You aren't perfect, so use your own experiences to relate to your kids.  But practice modesty in dress and in attitude.  Have appropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex.  Be open and communicative about appropriate personal topics.

 Don't let the shouting, misled culture around you take away your God-given role as a parent to raise kids who are spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.  It is scary and intimidating.  But I trust that God will give me and you the right amount of grace and strength to not only attempt, but carry out this kind of involved, godly, intentional parenting.