Disclaimer: The following includes some experiences that were very impactful and formative. I am not going to sugar-coat how it made me feel, or some of the details. I won't explicitly name the people involved, but the point of this is not to make them feel bad, or to lay blame or accusation. Thank goodness none of us are the same people we were in high school. Therefore, if you are reading this and are one of the people alluded to below-or were aware of these happenings...just know that I have long since worked through these experiences, and only hold respect and love for you all now. I'm just recording this as my experience of a tumultuous time in my life and what I learned from it all.
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"It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride...
everything, everything will be alright..."
[the middle-jimmy eat world]
Today I was driving in the van by myself and played a nostalgic playlist. This song came on and after the first lines, my eyes welled up with tears as I was immediately transported back to an emotionally vivid day. Isn't it amazing how music does that to you? You may not think of an experience for months, or even years...then one song (or smell, or sight, or...) and you can't even help the feelings that bubble up, uncovering a memory that had been long-ago archived.
It was circa 2006-07. I was around 16 or 17. The height of all rational thought and uncomplicated relationships. Ha. I was at a church function with a bunch of other young people. We weren't supposed to leave the house we were gathered at. But the Fab 5 liked to live on the edge. I had just been hesitantly invited and then tersely uninvited to an exclusive sneak-away outing to Starbucks. I was shattered.
Okay, pause. That may seem a little dramatic. Allow me to give a little sneak peek on my history with the Fab 5. It was a self-named group of (you guessed it) 5 individuals...3 boys and 2 girls. Whether it was borne of similar interests, crushes, good looking peeps or a combination of the above, it was tight knit. And I wasn't a part of it. I was related to 2 of the individuals, and attended church with 2 of them. Individually we were buddies...but if the group was all together, they were inseparable and pretty exclusive. It always confused me why we could have such good conversations and be friends if it was just one-on-one. I was older than all of them by a little bit, and apparently just plain not "cool" enough for the group. I didn't like the same music, I wasn't into the "zero trans fat" boycott and "lite" food fad they were. I wasn't very fashionable. I hadn't yet gotten into bougie coffee shop drinks. I definitely wasn't Hipster. Not sure if this is how they defined themselves, but this is how I viewed them.
Since we were all part of the same small church or family circles, we crossed paths frequently enough that being around them was sort of unavoidable. To be honest, though, I didn't want to avoid them. I wanted to be one of them. They had so many funny inside jokes. They wore cool clothes and seemed to know a lot about coffee drinks. They seemed unapologetically confident in who they were individually and as a group. I wanted them to like me so desperately that it stung when it was made clear that I wasn't part of the group.
One time they all got together in LA. They wanted to see the sights and miracle of miracles, they invited ME to go with them! I was elated. Truly. I wanted to hang out with them and be part of the inner circle. Since they couldn't drive yet (or didn't want to in LA), I drove us all in my parents' Astro van. There were a few comments made on how my taste in music was too "mainstream" and "lame" but I brushed it off. As the day went on, however, it became glaringly clear that I was pretty much invited to drive them and take photos of their group at various cool places. Their inside jokes went on without me, and I was an afterthought in a only a few of the pictures taken that day. It stung.
There were many other small interactions that kept making me feel on the outs. And as time went on, I'm sure each negative interaction felt magnified. I would never be cool enough to be part of their group. They didn't want me to join. Individually I was actually good friends with several of them, but as soon as 2 or more of them were together, I was left in the dust.
Which brings me to the event that I began with. One of the guys said, "Suzy you should come to Starbucks with us" (Like I said, it was a hesitant invitation). I responded, "Yeah that's probably not a good idea, not sure if the group wants me there." He said he would tell them and that I should just come. Being the masochist that I apparently was, I agreed to go. I'm not sure why I thought it would be fun. Maybe I kept holding out hope that they would finally actually WANT me there. That being their friend individually would finally make them be okay with me as part of the group? That we might become the Super Six?!
Anyway, the group prepared to leave and he casually mentioned to them that he had invited me. I wasn't standing right there, but was close enough to overhear one of the girls ask why he had invited me, and he said because he wanted me to come. She responded with, "But I don't want her to come."
He looked at me and shrugged apologetically. I put on a brave face and gave a dismissive wave with my hand as if it didn't bother me at all. I bit back my tears until they had pulled out of the driveway and then got as far away as I could from the house, quickly dialed the first person I could think of, my brother, and burst into tears. I sobbed to him on the phone lamenting what had just happened, feeling so deflated, left out and discarded.
Being the totally wonderful, cool and collected older brother that he was, he listened. He asked me a few questions and then said (paraphrasing since the details have blurred a bit), "Suz...why would you want them if they don't want you? You're a great girl and they are the ones missing out if they are excluding you. It may seem like no one wants to be your friend but what about all the other people at the event that DO want to be your friend and hang out with you? Don't let these guys catch you up. This dynamic and friend group is for a short season of your life. Invest in friendships that last and who care about you." Obviously that isn't word-for-word but that is the message I remember receiving from my conversation that day. I believe he also mentioned the above quoted song. I listened to it. Over and over. It became a mantra for me.
Two things happened that day. First, I realized my brother was so wise and I was forever grateful he picked up the phone and handled me and my sobbing gently and with patience.
Second...I finally zoomed out to the big picture of these relational dynamics. This wasn't forever. If they didn't want relationship with me, then why was I wasting emotional and mental energy trying to make it happen? I had so many others that DID want to be friends with me. Besides, I actually LIKED mainstream music. I didn't want to wear skinny jeans or have moody bangs. Sour Cream was much more delicious with full fat than the "Lite" version.
Guess what? The Fab 5 isn't a thing anymore. In fact I'm not even sure they keep in touch that often, if at all. Their lives have gone in separate directions with marriage, kids, spreading out across the country. And just to clarify, they too grew out of whatever tumultuous time high school was for them and are now wonderful individuals I would have the pleasure of spending time with.
The point is...whatever bound them then didn't turn into the deep lifelong friendships I thought I was missing out on. And when I turned my focus from trying to fit in with them to investing into other friendships, I found people who liked me for ME. I could be myself around them and didn't need to do or be or say anything in particular and wasn't ever labeled "lame" or "outdated".
It was a valuable life lesson...and one that is still being put into practice in a variety of ways even into adulthood. Turns out, it doesn't all go away after high school =)
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away
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