Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed comes in many packages for me.  It isn't always a negative thing.  But right now, in this moment...it is hard. 

I went back.  I drove the familiar roads back to our house.  Well, not "our house" any more.  His house.  Whoever "he" is.  I knew it wasn't a good idea.  I'm too fragile.  I wasn't ready to leave when Ben and I pulled out of the driveway on that cold morning to head to the airport.  It all happened too fast.  I was in denial for most of it.  But I went back. To get the mail.  To get closure?  Who knows.  

I parked out front.  I never park out front.  Its an odd feeling, you know, to be in a place so familiar...so yours...and realize you are a stranger and totally don't belong.  Only a few weeks had passed.  It's as if the house itself forgot who I was.  

I knocked on the door.  To get the mail.  To see him.  His car was in the driveway so I knew he was home.   I never do this.  Knock on doors of people I don't know.  But it was my door.  It felt so strange to be knocking on my own door.  A door that I used to just unlock and go into...but now isn't mine anymore.  

He fumbled with the lock.  The chain lock.  Funny, we never used the chain lock.  I saw his face briefly and thought, "This is the guy who bought our house?  Who is living in our space?"  It was judgmental, I know.  And when he finally got the door open, I realized it was a hasty judgment.  He looked nice.  Interrupted, but nice.  I apologized for bothering him, but before I could get out my introduction, he said, "Oh you are the previous tenant."  It felt good, you know.  To be recognized.  It hit me that he had been in our house when it it was our house.  He had seen our pictures, examined our space and approved of it.  He knew who I was.  

I wanted to be mad at him.  Afterall, him buying the house led to these feelings of being overwhelmed and uncertain of our future.  But he was...nice.  He interrupted his conference call to write down my name and number for future reference if any important mail or packages showed up.  He said he or his wife would call.  He has a wife.  Somehow that detail made it hard to be mad at him.  He and his wife would be in our space the way Ben and I were.  They may cook together, sit in the living room together, grill on the patio together, walk to the cemetery together.  

Even though I couldn't be mad at him, I was still overwhelmed.   I got back in the car and began to cry.  I drove away from my house.  Ugh...not my house.  His house.  I drove away from his house.  And I cried from someplace deep inside me that had been boxed and set aside like most of the contents of that house.  I drove past the cemetery and cried harder.  I will probably miss that place as much as the house.  It is where I walked and talked with God. It is where Ben and I discussed names for our baby and settled on Asher Warren.  It is where I walked while I labored before Asher's birth.  It is where we went on our first walk as a family together.    

I know I can go back there.  But lets be realisitic.  When will I drive to a place that isn't exactly on the way to anywhere just to walk in a cemetery, when there are dozens closer.  I make plans to, but I know it won't happen.  

I texted Ben and told him I wasn't ready.  Wasn't ready to leave.  Wasn't ready to go back.  But now its done.  Maybe it was good afterall...

Now, if you can imagine this... Along with this overwhelming sadness and loss, comes overwhelming gratefulness and peace.  My in-laws have so graciously and generously taken us into their home for an indefinite period of time.  We aren't sure about our future or where we will end up.  But we both feel peaceful being here.  It will take some adjustment.  There will be some ups and downs to be sure... but we are so so blessed to be able to spend this time with family, to have a place to live, and to have time and space to figure out what we will do next.  

And to answer the question we have been getting pretty much non-stop is:  No, we don't know what we are doing next.  We are here, we are fine here, and we will continue to stay here until it becomes clear what we are to do next.  We were just discussing last night that we feel God will make it clear when to move on.  In the meantime, we will bask in the peace of having a roof over our heads, a space to raise our baby in comfort and family to do it with.  

I pray that man and his wife will be blessed in our little house.  Good things have happened there.  it has been filled with love, laughter, memories, yummy food and family.  The Spirit was invited in with us when we moved there and we pray He stays and continues to impact the lives of everyone who knocks on that door and enters.