Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Asher-Wedding-Asher

Right now, Asher is napping (yay!), there is snow falling heavily outside (boo!), and I am sipping coffee and updating a rather neglected blog.  So here is life! 


This kid.  Loves his tummy time.  Loves his fingers.  Loves his snugglies.  


Surrogate Grandparents, Steve and Jane with two of their surrogate grands: Asher and Reese. 
Grateful their influence and presence can continue on in the lives of the next generation of Klotzles!


Cousin T lovin' his time with Ash.  He was learning to walk, so he pushed that rocker all over the kitchen, and occasionally stopped to pat or lovingly attack Asher's face.  



Asher's favorite noise-making toy.  For anyone who has talked babies with me lately, you might be aware that I am really super not into toys that make obscene amounts of noise.  I am working on letting that go.  It makes it easier when the baby can sit with wrapt attention and watch Daddy play with said toy for quite a bit. 



This spring has been dangling these tantalizingly superb days in front of us, really increasing my desire for warm weather.  As beautiful as the snow is that is falling today, I just want to take Asher to a park, get his toes in some grass and push him in a swing without jackets and blankets and stuff.  
So this picture was from one of those 60+ days where we could walk around and enjoy the sunshine.  I think I was wearing flip-flops that day.  Because, why not?



Spent a lovely afternoon with two of my dear cousins, Amanda on your left, and Bethany on your right.  We celebrated Bethany's birthday in downtown Grand Rapids, as we were all there for my brothers wedding.  
I love these beautiful ladies dearly.  Also, note how I am standing on a curb that is several inches tall and am equal in height to Amanda, and Bethany is STILL bending down to meet my height.  *sigh* story of my life. 


Day of the wedding pictures!  Mimi and Reese had similar lacy navy dresses.  So sweet! 


Joe, Heath and their nieces and nephews from our side of the family!


Fam-bam


These two.  
I love how much Asher loves his time with Ben.


Amy and I and our boys!  


These two  cuties are finally married!  
It is such a blessing to have Heather joining our family!  She and Joe are definitely MFEO and complete our sibling pairs perfectly! 
Can't wait to spend more time with them together in the future!


On another one of those deliciously warm days, it reached 70.  Asher and I spend some quality time outside.  Barefoot.  Reading and sunning our pelts.  It was glorious.

Ok, is this not adorable!?  I had put the book in front of his eyes because the sun was so bright.  He grabbed both sides, held it on his own and proceeded to stare at the pages for several minutes as if he was reading it!  



I know it is dark, but that is a cat, Paco on my friend Michelle's lap.  Asher loves all things animal, and Paco was no exception.  He was so patient with Asher and let him touch and pet him.  


The other week, Papa D was contagious with Influenza A.  Since that is particularly not great for babies, Ben and I went to a friends house for the week until the contagious period passed.  
The night we came back, we all went out to dinner at the family-favorite pizza place to celebrate good health, and no one else getting sick.  


Cannot believe we have made it 5 months (although now we are almost to 6 months haha)!  
*Sitting up unassisted!
*Rolling over more and more
*Working on sleep training...and it works, because he slept 8 uninterrupted hours last night! 
*Napping about every 2 hours.  For some reason, he really loves sleep. I am not complaining!
*kept leaning for food and grabbing at it (moreso than leaning/grabbing for other things), so we tried a little rice cereal and mum-mums.  Both were complete hits.  Sweet potatoes are up next!
*super sociable.  Loves smiling, giggling and cooing at anyone who gives him attention. 
*His favorite noise he makes is screeching.  Loudly and repetitively.  
*Such a happy boy.  Wakes up happy.  Poops happy. Eats happy.  Bathes happy.  As long as he gets his food on time and gets a nap when he needs it, he is truly a delightful baby.  
Oh and to explain the pooping happy...it really is adorable.  He only poops after eating, and while being held in a standing position.  He then lowers himself into a squat, while I support him under his arms, gets his business face on and concentrates.  There are a few grunts, a red face and his eyes sort of glaze over.  Then he pops back up to standing and flashes the biggest, most genuinely happy grin ever.  Seriously.  Pooping is one of his favorite pastimes, given how happy it makes him.  



On yet another warm day, we took Sierra and her friend Kota on a walk.  They were worn out! 


This is Noelle.  She loves Asher.  Every time she sees us, she says "Ash, Ash."  Lately she has been the cutest little momma to Asher.  She wants to hold him on her lap, pat his head, and most importantly, make sure he has his pacifier in.  He is so enthralled with her that he often just grins, dropping the paci.  And of course she has to put it back in.  It is an adorable little thing they have going on.  Grateful Asher has her to be his buddy! 


The picture on the left is of me at about 5.5 months pregnant.  And the picture on the right is 5.5 months post partum.  Crazy how in the first picture I couldn't imagine what life would be like.  Couldn't picture the face of my baby.  Didn't know anything about his personality or tendencies.  
And now...I know all those things so well!  He fits into our lives perfectly and I can't imagine or even really remember life without him.  

Bathtime is still probably his favorite time of the day!  Because he loves it so much, we do a bathtime every evening (even if its just a quick soak!). 
There are smiles, giggles, and soft sweet baby skin!  
Oh how this boy delights us!  Every time he is in bed, even though I enjoy my alone time, I can't wait until he gets up and I can see his smiles.  

Other than that, there isn't much more to report.  God is good, all the time.  



Monday, February 22, 2016

Re: Slut-shaming

Just as a forewarning, this is not an article with pictures and warm fuzzy updates on my life.  If this topic makes you uncomfortable...you can catch me on the next post with pictures and warm fuzzies.

I am writing this in reaction to an article I read recently.  (Link here) It was about how parents are "slut-shaming" their children (especially their daughters) and that it is damaging to them.  I was interested to see what the author said on the topic. I am generally interested in the topics of sexuality as it relates to a parent's role in the formation of healthy views of sexuality in their childrens' lives.  Because I believe it is the role of the parents (especially Christian parents) to help form the foundational truths behind sexuality...because God created this very important aspect of life and it cannot be skipped over or ignored.

She began by saying: [P]arents can be especially impactful during our formative teenage years, when we're learning how to function as adults and how to understand ourselves and our needs."
I thought to myself, "Yes!  I like where this is going...parents are important!"
She then continued on to talk about how slut-shaming is pervasive in culture and ruining people's views of sexuality.  Parents' jobs are to empower their children to be "more informed about their bodies" and "become more sex positive."

I don't know about you, but words like "empower" and "sex positive" sort of rub me the wrong way.  Not that they are necessarily bad, but in this context, it implies there is some kind of breakdown or distortion of these things [truth] but the fix is coming from the wrong place [i.e. a positive pep-talk parents can give their kids to prepare them to fit into a twisted worldview].
The rest of the article continued to disappoint me.  It listed 5 ways parents need to stop interfering in their kids' lives.  I am going to address them in order:
1. Placing too much value on their virginity
2. Policing what they wear
3. Micromanaging their dating lives
4. Invading their personal space
5. Media designed for kids
Let me preface with this: I believe there are principles that are foundational to how parents guide their children on this topic.  I also believe that the way these principles get taught and modeled can be done so very poorly and often do much damage.  That does not mean that the principles should be abandoned.  The author of this article calls for the dismissal of these principles.  I propose that we peel back the layers of dysfunctional execution of said principles and search for the truths at the core.

**Also, for the sake of clarification, when referring to children in this, I am meaning children under 18 who live in the home and are dependent on their parents.  Adult children 18 and up who live in the home and are financially independent are not my intended subject matter. **

1.  Placing too much value on virginity. 
The author said, "When parents place too much value on their child's virginity, it can result in crippling self-esteem issues and an unhealthy understanding of sex and sexuality."
I would argue that the words "too much value" should be replaced with "the wrong kind of value."  Virginity is valuable.  For the believer it is a piece of remaining sexually pure before marriage, which is something that God calls us to as temples of His Spirit.  For everyone (believer and unbeliever alike), it is by far the most effective way to keep your body healthy and STI free, not to mention it is a 100% guarantee pregnancy preventer.
However, if a parent focuses solely on keeping their child from participating in the act of sex because being a technical virgin is so important, they are missing the point, and it is likely there will be some self-esteem issues and unhealthy understanding of sex and sexuality.  Many children that are a product of that kind of fear-based parenting will enter marriage with a skewed view of sex.

Virginity is not the principle. The principle is sexual purity.  Purity of mind, heart and body.  Sure, it is spiritually, emotionally and physically ideal to postpone sex until you are in the covenant of marriage, but that is not many people's reality.  And honestly, being a technical virgin doesn't mean you are sexually pure.
Sexual impurity takes many forms and runs rampant in today's culture.  And even though I was a technical virgin when I got married, it doesn't mean I didn't struggle with other forms of impure thoughts, states of mind and heart...which were just as detrimental to my emotional and spiritual well-being.  And for that, I needed as much redemption and grace as if I had been sexually active.  Because impurity is impurity...and that should be the focus of what we teach our children.


2. Policing what they wear:
I have to admit, the term "policing" isn't my favorite.  It conjurs up mental pictures of a parent wearing a neon vest and blowing a whistle while holding up their hand in a "STOP" gesture.  And that doesn't sound like effective parenting to me at all.  So I agree with the author that "policing" wardrobe isn't healthy.  I do, however, believe that it is a parent's job to teach and guide their children on how to dress.  This includes modesty, venue-appropriate clothing, tastefulness and cleanliness.

Modesty is a hot topic.  Mainly because no one can agree with what "modest" really means.  I believe modesty goes beyond rules on what you can and can't wear.  It really is a state of the heart.  The definition says, "Behavior, manner or apearance intended to avoid impropriety and indecency."  Modesty values decency and propriety.  It begins in the heart and mind and manifests itself in how we behave and dress.  I believe modesty is the principle we need to teach our children (boys and girls alike).

In addition to teaching the principle of modesty, I think parents have a right to make decisions about what their children wear (up to adulthood).  Especially if they are footing the bill, and the child is in their home.  The teaching must coincide with the clothing choices, so that when children do grow up and leave the home, they are sent out with reasons why they do what they do and principles on which to build the foundation of appropriate dressing for the future.  Some of this comes naturally and seem almost inherent.  We wouldn't let our 15-year-old daughter wear a bikini to a funeral.  We would advise our son not to wash the car in his prom tux.   These things may seem like a no-brainer, but someone taught us this (or we learned due to embarrassing or awkward experiences and picked up on social cues), and we must teach this to our children (or let them suffer the same embarrassment, I suppose).  And in some cases, it means teaching your child to have an awareness of things that are acceptable or not.  As far as tastefulness and cleanliness...those are important but are fluid, depending on your family or circumstances.
Bottom line:  Decide how you want these principles played out in your family.  Focus on the heart of the issue, not just a list of do's and don'ts.  As a parent you have the right and responsibility to say NO to the clothes your child may want to wear that you deem inappropriate.

3.  Micromanaging their dating lives: 
Again with the trigger word.  "Micromanage" makes any principle seem sour and uptight.  Whatever your personal beliefs are on dating, this is something that you should think about and prepare for.  How you choose to approach this topic can very well define your childrens' views on relationships.  I would say the principle behind this is healthy relationships with kids of the opposite sex.
I'll be honest.  I don't think there should be "dating" in the traditional sense, before adulthood.  But it is pretty unrealistic to assume the "opportunity" won't come up before then.  I would be really intentional about what is okay for my child to participate in.  Again, I believe that as a parent, I have the right and responsibility to guide my children and teach them by providing necessary boundaries.  

The fear of sex or other inappropriate behavior is often at the root of why parents don't want their kids to date.  The principle of healthy relationships between boys and girls is often clouded by that fear, and the boundaries parents put on their kids can be legalistic and often drive kids to push those boundaries.  I speak from experience.  Had my parents forbid me from talking to boys or having crushes or just plain noticing boys, I would have sought after it all the more.  And trust me, I did enough of that as it was.  But conversations that might have shut me down and pushed me into the arms of some delightfully eager teenage boy were turned away from do's and don'ts and focused on principles.  My mom would talk to me about boys...instead of freaking out if I admitted I really liked a boy, she asked what about him did I like?  What kind of characteristics and qualities was I drawn to?  Could I appreciate those things about him just by being friends with him?  We would talk about qualities that would be ideal to have in a husband someday.  If I wanted to talk to a boy (back in the good old days of email and AIM or MSN messenger), I had to CC my parents on the email or let them see the conversation I had with them on IM.  Sure it was awkward the first few times...but it was a good healthy way to converse with a boy.

I'm not saying that every family should do it the way mine did.  But you have the right and responsibility to put boundaries in place.  Especially in this day and age with the increasing technology and communication opportunities.  Simple text messaging can turn into sexting really quick.  For some reason we are a lot less reserved if there is a screen between us.

This leads me to my next point...

4.  Invading their personal space:
Personal space for a child is designated by a parent, and is a lot like trust.  If maintained in an appropriate manner, there is no need to "invade" it.  But if it is somehow misused or unsafe, it is the parents' right and responsibility to make the space open until personal space can be handled in a healthy way.   This may seem harsh, but let me explain.

A home belongs to parents.  Children live in the home, but their space is entrusted to them.  They do not become owners of their space.  Locked doors are not a right.  Password-locked computers and phones are not a right (especially if a parent is paying for them).  Unknown friends, sleepovers, activities etc...are not a right.

If you, as a parent, are snooping secretively without communicating with your child, that crosses the line and is misuse of your parental right to open space.  It can make break trust (yes it does go both ways), cause hurt and push your child away.  If you are going to look at your child's browsing history on his/her computer, your intentions should be communicated.  If you suspect your child might be in possession of something dangerous, a room search should include a conversation with your child.  

And an even more radical idea is, if your child has misused a computer or phone or car, you have the right and responsibility to communicate expectations, discontinue unmonitored use if necessary and teach the principle of entrusted space.

*The only thing that I would say is acceptable personal space that deserves privacy is a journal.  I am saying this from experience.  I was very open with my parents, but my journal was one thing they never read, or asked to read.  This was also due to the fact that we had open, regular conversation about my life, so any concerning topics were discussed.


5. Media designed for kids:
This one felt a little bit different than the others, because it really doesn't have anything to do with parents.  First of all, I do have a bone to pick with media that is designed for kids.  There are often adult themes woven in, there are themes of magic and sorcery, there are unrealistic relationship expectations and everyone lives happily ever after.  Makes for a good story, and as long as parents are communicating with their kids about the difference between fantasy and reality, there really isn't a huge problem.

The point the author made, however, bothered me.  She mentioned how much of kids' media reaffirms traditional gender norms.  This opens a whole other can of worms, but I will simply say, that is not a bad thing generally speaking.  She cited how the damsel in distress gets saved by a prince.  She did fail to mention the stories of Mulan, Merida and many others which feature a girl doing "boyish" things.  And I'm not sure I know any girls who were ruined by watching any of those movies when they were young.

In addition to that, she mentioned that the emphasis on a "first love" or "first kiss" or a forever type love is too strong and feeds into the "damaged goods" mentality if you don't stay with the first person you kissed.  While that is a harmful mindset, it doesn't mean we should praise the opposite.  First kisses with the person you are going to commit to aren't a bad thing.  In fact they can be very good (I know, my first kiss was when I was engaged to my husband).  There has to be a balance between letting the good be good, while not shaming those who haven't necessarily done that.

And yes, if parents let the movies teach their kids about love, relationships, self-worth, then there is no one to blame but themselves when things go south.  That doesn't mean that if you intentionally teach your kids about healthy and realistic relationships and gender roles they will have no troubles.  But it sure will save a lot of pain and heartache down the road if they have been taught and modeled healthy relationship dynamics.

  

Underlying all of these topics is a recurring theme:  Parents have the right and responsibility to be parents.  That role has been grossly distorted in todays culture.  We let the children take the reigns far too often.  Gone are the days when a parent could communicate an expectation and a child would obey or suffer consequences.  Now, parents ask their children what they want to do.  If there is much push-back, the parent changes their course and gives in or makes deals or resorts to bribery.  Discipline is either non-existent or handed out inappropriately, with no teaching and guidance.  Parents are so afraid of what their child might say, or what kind of fit they might throw, or a slammed door or a confrontational conversation.  They don't want to rock the boat.

Parents, it is time we reevaluate what our role is.  We are given these children for such a short time and it is our responsibility to teach them and guide them.  To equip them with the necessary tools to have a fighting chance at functional adulthood.  Parents who read the article I referred to might be nodding their heads because they have either seen or experienced the pain caused by poorly executed principles.  My hope is that they don't swing the other way on the pendulum and throw out the underlying principles.  I hope they can have the courage and do the hard work it takes to communicate principles to their kids in a healthy and confident way.  Don't be afraid of the awkward conversations...you are the parent.  The adult.  The supposedly mature one.  And almost more importantly, let your actions and behavior reflect the principles you are trying to teach.  You aren't perfect, so use your own experiences to relate to your kids.  But practice modesty in dress and in attitude.  Have appropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex.  Be open and communicative about appropriate personal topics.

 Don't let the shouting, misled culture around you take away your God-given role as a parent to raise kids who are spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.  It is scary and intimidating.  But I trust that God will give me and you the right amount of grace and strength to not only attempt, but carry out this kind of involved, godly, intentional parenting.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

This, That and The Other Thing...

This shall be my pictoral representation of life as of the past month or so. 


Great Grandma Barb with her great-grandchildren!
This was taken at the Dill family Christmas around New Years.  The three boys on her lap are within a year of each other, so it ought to make family get togethers quite lively in years to come.  
(L-R: Maria, Hanna, Eva, Asher, David, Theo, Charlie and Abe)
MHE&D belong to Meg and Dale.  TC&A belong to Ben's cousin Alyssa and Ryan.  


Asher's 3 month picture.  he is now 4.5 months...oh well.


Ash loves a warm ride in Grandma D's laundry basket!


One night Chico took a Dr. Suess book and read it to Asher.  It was so cute!
Chico has really taken to Asher and is always willing to hold him or entertain him for a little bit while I am busy doing things.  


Love it when I catch them snoozing together!  


Don't let the clasped hands and serious look fool you...bathtime is filled with kicks, splashes, giggles and grins! 


Taffy Pulling night!!


Chico's first time!  He did pretty good!


It was also Margaret's first time...She also did well!


This kid...he'll suck his two fingers or his thumb, he's not picky.  Lately he has been pulling out his paci to suck on his fingers.  


He loves mirror time!  
Hopefully this doesn't mean he will be vain in the future...because he just takes one look at himself and breaks into a really big smile. 



I had better quality pictures of this, but this one just made me laugh.  I was taking a picture the same time as my brother, who was using the flash.  T's eyes would squint shut, and Asher's would get so wide.  Side note:  I arrived that day with Asher in this outfit, and turns out T was wearing the SAME exact thing!  Totally unplanned but so cute. 



Reese and Asher are 6 weeks apart.  And look they are buddies already!  
She is such a petit thing next to him! 


Cousin Karlina reading stories to Asher.  He loved it.  She is such a good big cousin!
I know from experience that having an older cousin befriend you is really special!


While I was in California, baby Emery was born! what a treat to be there so I could meet him!


Also turns out, all four of us siblings were together.  It was a treat to spend time with these guys...seriously some of the best men I know. 


One evening, Asher would not settle down during dinner.  So I ate while bouncing on the ball of magic, which totally put him to sleep.  


Mimi was also a fan of the magic bouncy ball.  She could multi task and keep two babies calm!  


And here are my parents with their SEVEN grandchildren! (Four of whom are under a year!)  It has been a crazy and exciting year for our family...but we love it!  We are excited to all be together again in March for Joe and Heather's wedding!  

So there are some snapshots of our life!  It has been a full winter so far, but I am grateful that we have been busy and have done some travelling as well.  It makes the winter days not seem so long.  


Friday, January 29, 2016

So Much Christmas. So Late.

From the moment we pulled away from our house on December 17 and Ben drove Asher and I to the airport...Christmas began.   And it continued until after New Years.  So I shall do pictures, lots and lots of pictures.  There will be captions.  There might be a few stories.  A lot of it will revolve around Asher...because, well, our lives sort of revolve around him.  Not to mention, this was his first time meeting many of the various and sundry extended family members.

Just so you have an appreciation for what is to follow...I had this blog completely finished, went to publish it and lost it all. Somehow my connection was bad the whole time I was writing it and so it wasn't saving along the way...I was pretty disappointed and basically abandoned the whole thing until today when I finally had the courage to start over.  
*pressing save*

But it's hard when you have really witty and/or informative captions and then they are gone.  Secondary ones just aren't as clever and come across sounding so boring.  
Anyway.  Here goes.

*pressing save*


Grandma and Grandpa D helped Asher get this gift for Mommy and Daddy for Christmas.  Super cute, and really yummy.


Asher and I flying to CA a few days before Ben.  I was a little apprehensive, but it turned out great!  He did so well the whole time!



First stop...the ocean.  It really made my heart happy to take Asher to a place that means so much to me.  I look forward to coming back when he is older and letting him get salty and sandy and generally enjoy the beach like I did growing up. 



Uncle Joey meeting Asher for the first time =)


Papa and Asher bonding over morning conversations.  Last time my dad saw him, he was a few days old...so much has changed!



J&K had a Christmas party, and Asher was the only little there.  He did super well being passed around and talked at.  But then finally had enough and pulled this.  It was super adorable.  


Asher meeting Great-Grammy.  It was so special to have her meet him, hold him and love on him.  


Asher showing off the signature nostril flare, passed down from Papa to me, and now to him.  


Nothing like a California sunset with palm trees...

*pressing save*



These two... They set up this chair and proceeded to belt out "Angels We Have Heard on High."  What isn't pictured is them trying to get Little Sister to sit up there with them, sit still and participate without squirming.  Needless to say, it didn't work so well.  


These three lovelies at the Americana.  


So Ben told me a few weeks before I went to California to have Wednesday evening blocked off.  He said he had a suprise date-night for us.  When I asked him details, he said, "Everyone who needs to know something, has the information they need.  Asher's care is already arranged, as are all the details...Just don't plan anything for that night and enjoy the rest!"  

This was fairly difficult for me.  


After an early, yummy Mexican dinner with my parents Ben and I hopped aboard the metro train headed for Union Station.  There we got off.  Ben said he wanted to explore a little bit, so I took him to Olvera Street and we enjoyed this little piece of LA that I have come to love so much. 


I also love Union Station.  One of the reasons he brought me here was because I had planned to take some of our wedding pictures here, but we ran out of time.  He had never seen it, so wanted me to show him my ideas for our pictures. 

Then we hopped aboard another train (side note:  Ben totally had the train stuff all figured out...the transfers, stops etc...I was really impressed.  Though it shouldn't surprise me, since he is really good at that kind of thing.) 

We transferred to another train and finally got off and walked over to a little place in Downtown Los Angeles called LA Live.  
(When I say little, I might be exaggerating.) 

There were festive ice skaters, giant Christmas tree, lights, people, restaurants, and so much happening.  

There were two events going on down there that night:
Dancing with the Stars
Lakers Game. 

Now this is the true test of how well Ben knows me...

Because our final destination was....


The LAKERS GAME!  
It has been on my bucket list for a while now to see a Lakers Game at the Staples Center. One of those things that makes me feel like a true Angelino at heart.  
I had been talking about it for a while...and he got tickets and planned the whole evening on the down low!  It was doubly special, because basketball is not Ben's favorite sport to watch...and yet he knows how much I love it.  


Just something about the whole experience felt epic. 


Ben got the tickets like the week before Kobe Bryant announced his retirement.  Which was a good thing, because the prices skyrocketed.  

So that was our date night.  The Lakers lost miserably (down 35 points) to OKC.  Ben kept saying he hoped the experience wasn't ruined by such a bad game.  I told him it wasn't possible.  It was on my bucket list for the experience of it, not necessarily because I am a diehard Lakers fan.  And we got the full experience.
It will be hard for me to come up with a Christmas gift or date night that rivals that one...You did good Ben. =)


*pressing save* 

Christmas snapshots:

Karlina learning the art of Jenga with Uncle Joey


The family puzzlers.  Ender was very intent on helping with this Norman Rockwell classic. 


Asher hanging out with Papa...


Then they both got a little tired, and took a mid-Christmas snooze. 

Overall it was a fantastic time in CA.  

We then headed to Phoenix for a little quality time with the other side of the family.  

This was one of like two pictures I took while we were there.  Cousin Portia has Asher, Nate is in the middle and Great Grandma has Judah (born a few weeks before Asher).  We had some good times together, and I was glad they got to meet Ash too.


Finally on the way home!  It was nice to have Daddy on the return flight.  Again, Asher did famously.  


While we were gone, the dogs grew their tolerance level for each other!  This is pretty close for them!

Whew.  Well finally I got Christmas done.  So much has happened since then...I'll post again soon, hopefully.  






Thursday, January 07, 2016

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed comes in many packages for me.  It isn't always a negative thing.  But right now, in this moment...it is hard. 

I went back.  I drove the familiar roads back to our house.  Well, not "our house" any more.  His house.  Whoever "he" is.  I knew it wasn't a good idea.  I'm too fragile.  I wasn't ready to leave when Ben and I pulled out of the driveway on that cold morning to head to the airport.  It all happened too fast.  I was in denial for most of it.  But I went back. To get the mail.  To get closure?  Who knows.  

I parked out front.  I never park out front.  Its an odd feeling, you know, to be in a place so familiar...so yours...and realize you are a stranger and totally don't belong.  Only a few weeks had passed.  It's as if the house itself forgot who I was.  

I knocked on the door.  To get the mail.  To see him.  His car was in the driveway so I knew he was home.   I never do this.  Knock on doors of people I don't know.  But it was my door.  It felt so strange to be knocking on my own door.  A door that I used to just unlock and go into...but now isn't mine anymore.  

He fumbled with the lock.  The chain lock.  Funny, we never used the chain lock.  I saw his face briefly and thought, "This is the guy who bought our house?  Who is living in our space?"  It was judgmental, I know.  And when he finally got the door open, I realized it was a hasty judgment.  He looked nice.  Interrupted, but nice.  I apologized for bothering him, but before I could get out my introduction, he said, "Oh you are the previous tenant."  It felt good, you know.  To be recognized.  It hit me that he had been in our house when it it was our house.  He had seen our pictures, examined our space and approved of it.  He knew who I was.  

I wanted to be mad at him.  Afterall, him buying the house led to these feelings of being overwhelmed and uncertain of our future.  But he was...nice.  He interrupted his conference call to write down my name and number for future reference if any important mail or packages showed up.  He said he or his wife would call.  He has a wife.  Somehow that detail made it hard to be mad at him.  He and his wife would be in our space the way Ben and I were.  They may cook together, sit in the living room together, grill on the patio together, walk to the cemetery together.  

Even though I couldn't be mad at him, I was still overwhelmed.   I got back in the car and began to cry.  I drove away from my house.  Ugh...not my house.  His house.  I drove away from his house.  And I cried from someplace deep inside me that had been boxed and set aside like most of the contents of that house.  I drove past the cemetery and cried harder.  I will probably miss that place as much as the house.  It is where I walked and talked with God. It is where Ben and I discussed names for our baby and settled on Asher Warren.  It is where I walked while I labored before Asher's birth.  It is where we went on our first walk as a family together.    

I know I can go back there.  But lets be realisitic.  When will I drive to a place that isn't exactly on the way to anywhere just to walk in a cemetery, when there are dozens closer.  I make plans to, but I know it won't happen.  

I texted Ben and told him I wasn't ready.  Wasn't ready to leave.  Wasn't ready to go back.  But now its done.  Maybe it was good afterall...

Now, if you can imagine this... Along with this overwhelming sadness and loss, comes overwhelming gratefulness and peace.  My in-laws have so graciously and generously taken us into their home for an indefinite period of time.  We aren't sure about our future or where we will end up.  But we both feel peaceful being here.  It will take some adjustment.  There will be some ups and downs to be sure... but we are so so blessed to be able to spend this time with family, to have a place to live, and to have time and space to figure out what we will do next.  

And to answer the question we have been getting pretty much non-stop is:  No, we don't know what we are doing next.  We are here, we are fine here, and we will continue to stay here until it becomes clear what we are to do next.  We were just discussing last night that we feel God will make it clear when to move on.  In the meantime, we will bask in the peace of having a roof over our heads, a space to raise our baby in comfort and family to do it with.  

I pray that man and his wife will be blessed in our little house.  Good things have happened there.  it has been filled with love, laughter, memories, yummy food and family.  The Spirit was invited in with us when we moved there and we pray He stays and continues to impact the lives of everyone who knocks on that door and enters.  

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Embracing the Unexpected.

We got some not so fabulous news yesterday.  Our landlord finally sold the duplex we are living in (which we knew was going to happen eventually).  We had been reassured that more than likely the new owner would probably be glad to have renters in it and so we wouldn't have to move.  Well they were wrong.  New owner apparently wants to live in our unit while renting out the upstairs unit.  And we have to be out by January 6.  To add to that, we will be gone about 2 weeks this month, leaving very little time to find a new place, pack up and move.  More than the actual having to move, we were a bit frustrated with the timing...holiday time just plain isn't convenient.  This stirs up so much in me.  I know that God will take care of us.  But I have lots of feelings that are running wild.  
We are settled here.  I have come to really enjoy and appreciate that.  We just got Asher's little space all situated and it works well.  
What will it mean if we don't find a house right away.  What if we don't find a deal as financially good as this one.  If we stay with family for a little while while we look, it will mean not feeling settled in my own home using my own things.  How long until I sleep in my own bed again?  Use my own dishes?  Cook with my own spices?  
It will mean NEW routine just after I got established in this one.  
It is exciting because it could mean exciting new things.  But I was okay without exciting.  I was okay just having life be.  
I keep looking around and thinking these are the last days enjoying this house.  I get so dramatic with my lasts.  
I want to enjoy my time in CA without worrying about all of this.  Packing seems so insurmountable.  I am overwhelmed just at the thought.  After this, we will have lived in 3 places in 2.5 years of marriage.  It is definitely upending what my idea of "home" is.  And I confess I didn't want it challenged, messed with or redefined anymore.  
People have said how parenting exposes how selfish they truly are?  Well in my experience so far, this is exposing far more of my selfish thoughts and feelings than parenting.
  I feel like a petulant 5-year-old: all I want to do is sit down, cross my arms over my chest and cry about how I just don't want to do it, and they can't make me.  
Embarrassing...but kind of what I'm struggling with. 
*deep breath*
Lord, I give these selfish thoughts to you.  I know they are all about me and my comfort and convenience.  Thank you for holding everything in your hands so that as I work through letting this go, I can trust you will handle it.  Thank you for your patience as I struggle to translate my head knowledge of your provision into heart trusting.  I am grateful that we have such a strong support network.  People who have already offered their rooms for us to sleep in, their time and labor to help with packing or watching Asher, their prayers and encouragement.  It is undeserved given my inner-most thoughts.  Thank you for Ben, because I don't know what I would do without him. 
Actually I do.  I would be a basket case. 
I choose in this moment (as I will need to keep choosing in future moments) to trust you, to keep on moving forward, to be grateful that we have had a home and will have another roof over our heads, even if it looks different than we expected.  
Amen