A Mama's Gut

Vaccines.  

There.  I said it.  Whew.  Now that the word is out of the way I can get to sharing.  Some of you might combine the title with that word and be inwardly cheering.  Some of you groaning and shaking your head.  Either way, maybe just hear me out.  Or don't.  You can leave the blog.  I guess I really don't care.  I'm not a career blogger.  But I digress...

So one of the joys of motherhood is the sudden and overwhelming power to make decisions for you wee little bundle of squishiness.  It sounds fun.  Finally we can put into practice all the stuff we've been secretly compiling while judging the parents around us.  We are experts.  We know exactly what we'll do and how we'll do it.  And it WILL go exactly as planned.   I know that mindset well.  I was one of those.  Kind of. 

But when the reality of such power sinks in, it shifts from empowering to terrifying.  At least it did for me.  And I'm pretty darn confident.   

The point of all of this is...vaccines.  That one got me.  Got me big time.  I have a fair amount of anti-vax friends.  And many more pro-vax friends.  Then, being the free-thinking individual I am, decided to do my own research.  

Enter Mom-Blogs (Totally not like this one, promise...lol).  

Oh the Mom-Blogs.  Passionate, loving, opinionated, defensive, articulate women.  On a mission for the good of their babies.  And the opinions they share?  Oh those span a vast, expansive range.  Like, here to the MOOOOON.  And everything in between.  

The only consistent theme was fear.  People were trying to prove their points with fear.  If you vaccinate, you risk injury and reaction and DEATH (maybe not literally).  If you don't, you risk injury, disease and DEATH (again, maybe not literally).  But they sure had your kids (and you) paying the price.  How is a new mom supposed to decide anything when both parties are adamant?  

After months of angst, tears, calls to my mom, prayers with Ben and journaling, I made a decision that worked for my conscience.  We decided to space out Asher's shots, and not get some of them.  I did my research and saw what each one was for and what they prevented, and decided.  I got a lot of mixed reactions from people who found out.  But I had to do what worked for me.  

And honestly?  Even then, I worried and fretted all up until the appointments where I either got him shots or didn't.  And then I left the clinic praying ferociously--yes ferociously--that nothing would happen to my sweet baby.  I would watch to make sure he was still smiling the next day.  Responsive.  Not dying of a disease.  Or dying of a reaction.  It was horrible

But the ones I fought the most?  The doctors.  I've had two now.  And both have belittled me.  Made me feel stupid.  Laughed at me.  Threatened me.  And tried fear.  

"Don't you know there is absolutely no reason to delay any of these?" 

"We are doctors, we have the education."

"If you take your baby into the ER with whooping cough, don't come crying to me." 

*When I declined the Rotovirus vaccine: "If you lived in the South with limited medical access, then your baby could die of dehydration."

"Oh, looks like you are refusing vaccinations.  Do you know how dangerous that is?" 

"Your baby could get meningitis and die.  I've seen babies die from this."  

"I'm supposed to let you decide but there is no reason to do what you are doing."  

When I declined the Hep B vacc: "Your baby could be exposed to dirty needles here, at the clinic."  (I wanted to tell her that if that was the case then there are bigger problems than my declining of the shot...But I gave her my crazy-mom look instead).  

I have a problem list.  "Health Maintainance and refuses vaccinations."  That list is the only one the nurse looks at, so she thinks we haven't had any.  And I have to explain it.  Every. Single. Time.  

What they don't realize is the more disrespectful they are, the more I really don't want to listen to them.  

Needless to say, I'm shopping for Doctor #3.  Because I shouldn't dread the doctor's office.  

All of this leads to this thing I told one doctor.  "You may think I'm crazy.  I trust you as a doctor, but I have this gut feeling as a mom, and I can't ignore that.  So I'm doing what I feel is best right now.  And that could change.  But please respect me as his mother, and I'll respect you as his doctor."   I thanked him for "having the conversation," even though he was being a jerk about it.  I was trying to validate him as a doctor in hopes he would validate me as a mom.  

{funny story, one day after some tense discussion AGAIN, he finished his exam of Asher and said under his breath, "Well he is really healthy so you're doing a good job, keep it up."  Literally, so quiet I almost missed it.  Unfortunately it was too little too late.}

So this gut feeling?  Well I've recently been introduced to some information that has confirmed some of this feeling.  

It wasn't packaged and delivered with fear.  It wasn't intended to scare me into a change.  It was merely well-researched and delivered.  It may not be the whole story, but it sure made sense to me.  So I'm slowing down and taking it into consideration.  

Mercury poisoning.  

I won't go into all the stuff I learned.  But even though the vaccinations supposedly have mercury removed, there are still some with "trace amounts"  of thimerosal (ethyl mercury).  It is a preservative. That is its only function.  And it is toxic.  To take it out would mean a loss in money for some big pharmaceutical companies as they would need to resort to single-doses and different production practices. 

 There are obviously still two sides of the story.  And even looking online, I only saw things like "Such small amounts, this vaccine should be considered free of thimerosal."  Much of the available science denies the presence and effect of thimerosal on babies.  And yet, they are the reputable people.  

But it all made sense.  A lot of the history of vaccinations and why thimerosal came into being.  And the results of mercury poisoning which are identical to many health problems that currently  face too many of our children today.  And there was a distinct spike in these health problems when this was added to vaccinations.  

Anyway, this leads me to where I am now.  Aware.  Researching.  Asking doctors for vaccination inserts to read ingredients.  Asking for single-dose shots.  Being driven by facts and research not fear.  No more hysteria. 

I am not anti-vaccination.  It is obvious that it has helped our country eradicate many harmful and deadly diseases.  I have gotten many for Asher, though spaced out more than the recommended schedule.  However, I am against mercury poisoning.  And I encourage any mama to do some research about mercury poisoning with regards to vaccinations specifically.  I share this not to cause a conflict.  I'd love to hear (kind) feedback of you moms and your experiences.  Doctors you have that may be different than mine.  Your gut feelings.  I want dialogue that can lead to understanding and learning from each other's experience and smart brains.  Without all the shaming and fear and harsh words.  

I think this is an important conversation because I KNOW I'm not the only mom who has struggled over this decision.  And I don't think fear should be a motivator from either direction.  We need to make informed decisions that we are comfortable with.  And then trust our babies into God's capable hands.  I cannot add one day to Asher's life by fretting over these decisions the way I have.  I am here as a steward.  I've been given the gift and honor of raising this boy.  I don't want to miss out on the joy because I'm scared every decision I make will make or break him.  

What I know is that we are all motivated by love for our kiddos and I think that warrants some rational thought and confident decisions.