thick skull <---its what I have

Have you ever had the feeling that you are being purposefully stubborn, even though you know you're wrong. Like trying to win an argument where you're saying that World War 2 never happened.

but not like that at all.

I know in my head that I can make better decisions, that I am smarter. I have people telling me, "Suzy...come on." I can feel the distance between me and God. I don't like it. But somehow the trade-off felt worth it in the moment. It was harmless enough.

or so I thought.

I ignored all the warning signs...cuz i was stubborn. I knew i was right. even though in my deepest of hearts, I knew that was a lie. I didn't have the strength to just stop it. I was being lazy. And the distance from God didn't help.

I mean, don't get me wrong, its not like me and God were on bad terms...He's been more than amazing, and on my side, and faithful. It was me. i just wasn't connecting like i could have. Like a best friend who moves...sure you're still friends, but the daily walk through the mundane things of life is no longer shared, putting in an inevitable distance. Thats like me and God were. Only I was the one who moved.

So then He, in his faithfulness, decided this was enough. he could see me hurting myself. I was taking a knitting needle and repeatedly jabbing it into my arm saying, "but its ok! and its fun! I know I'll probably regret it, but thats later, right now its sort of cool." and He just looks at me with a deep sadness, knowing that even in the moment, I'm not really having fun. not really.

(Let me insert that I know you probably think i did something incredibly drastic. I didn't. But this also is emphasizing how even the smallest, most "insignificant" lies can be just as damaging as the more obvious ones.)

God sees me. Sees the ridiculous situation I'm in. and decides that He's gonna give me a clear sign. He had a decision to make...I mean, he gave me godly parents who taught me. He gave me friends who told me. He gave me the Spirit to remind me. And so far, i had shut them all out. So he decides to intervene. Because he knows that somewhere from inside of me, I am calling out. I want help. I just don't know how to ask. It reminds me that he promised the Spirit and Christ for times just like this. to intervene on my behalf. To cry out to God for me when I am too proud or ashamed or speechless to do it myself.

And he couldn't have been more clear. He provided strength when I wasn't able to do it myself. you have to understand that I consider myself a pretty strong person. At least I did. but I was reminded of my utter broken humanity. looking back I laugh.

and I cry.

How did this happen? After a sleepless night (and just fyi, i NEVER have sleepless nights. no exaggeration), I knew that the unsettling in my soul was specifically sent by God. a follow up to his obvious sign. Just to make sure that I didn't mis-read it. or try to justify. or make excuses. Cuz i'm so good at that. And if that wasn't enough, a verse posted by my roommate boldly, unknowingly, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 cor. 10:13) He was providing my escape. How could I turn away? I had to trust him...that he knew I was in trouble.

So I did.

And now comes the healing. the building of burned bridges with God. The restoration of a broken heart that comes from abandoning a True Love. the receiving of forgiveness for where I've gone wrong. And the letting go of guilt...because that is just the Enemy feeling desperate because his mission failed. He had me...i was listening to his voice, not my Father's. And now I'm gone. I've turned and run. and the loss is big for him. So he swings on the pendulum with me and brings guilt, shame and self-contempt.

But i will not listen.

I am loved.

I am forgiven.

I will now walk worthy.

And so it Begins...

Well the last days of my summer have been full of doing a lot of nothing. You would think I would have time to update my blog...but let me tell you, doing nothing is TIME CONSUMING! So instead you get me at a time when i have something to do...and then there's time for blog writing.

This week is the beginning of the end for me. I am finally a senior in college, and will be done with all required academia in a short eight months. From there, I can decide to never step foot into a place of formal education until I volunteer at my children's kindergarten. I'm not gonna lie, that option sounds very nice to me.

And yet, here I stand, facing another school year and I am actually surprisingly excited! First of all, I have the most wonderful schedule, with great classes, awesome profs and some good friends to take the classes with. And then I also have the internship of a lifetime that will be talked about later in the post. I have a job that pays me, that i totally am in love with. I have the most WONDERFUL roommate (which can make or break a semester, let me tell you!) And I have a super high bunk-bed. which is bringing out my inner child.

Ok so lets talk about my internship. I'm actually not sure how much I'm allowed to say, so i'll keep it purposfully vague. but God was definitely at work in hooking me up with this job. All of my other options kept falling through and I finally emailed this one guy who is the Probation Officer in the same city my school is in. But he didn't email me back. So I looked up his number on some random directory I googled. He picked up immediately and was excited I called. He asked where I went to school.
"I go to Biola University."
"Oh wow! you do realize that we're located in the Sheriff's department RIGHT across the street, right?! this would be so perfect for you!"
*suzy in awe and fumbling with her words* "Oh my goodness! that's so awesome!"
"Ok so how bout you come in and see me in the next few days and we'll get you started. Actually if you could come in on Monday, the District Attorney will be here, and you can meet all the people who will hook you up with ride-alongs and cases...would that be ok?"

HA! would that be ok!? that is an interns DELIGHT! I was so excited that there was definite hopping and yelling going on after the phone call.

so I meet him. work out logistics. I did indeed get to meet the DA and actually since her intern is leaving next month, she's gonna find some stuff for me to do to help her with some court cases! (YES!!!) I met all the higher up Sheriffs and security people. If i wear my little badge, I have access to everywhere in the station, including all the files and records of all the kids we work with. (its a pretty big privelage)

In any case, my job includes learning how to input information in the computer as well as attend every interview/meeting between my supervising P.O. and any minors or parents that come in. I have read case files that, I kid you not, are a good 4-6 inches thick. I love learning the ropes...encountering different dilemmas, personalities and people that we have to figure out how to handle. I knew after my first day that this is where I belong.

It is going to be a challenging place to share Jesus. After just one meeting with some parents, I was so drained, and I hadn't said a word! I can't even imagine how people can get sucked dry every day and have no way to be filled back up. I want the love I have from God to overflow to these hurting and broken people. they need it bad. I want to give hugs to the despondent, but I am not allowed to touch them. God, how do you expect me to reach these children and parents? I trust you, though, because its the only way I could ever think of getting through to them.

the office is literally right across the street...so I could easily walk to it. It gives me more time for working because before I had had to count the commute as part of my available time. In all, God has been more than amazing to me, as I start this next part of my journey!

I shall update more after classes start on wednesday...

peace.