So a while back, I wrote about facing my fears when it comes to speaking out when it comes to potentially touchy topics. Today I'm going to share a few thoughts about what is driving that desire to face those fears and engage in tough conversations.
In the past year or so, I have become more passionate on people becoming more empowered. (More on that word in a minute). But basically I was done feeling stuck by one or more expected points of view. Or wrestling with needing to fit a certain mold to make others comfortable, at the expense of my own personal growth and personal beliefs. This often comes up as it pertains to me being a mom. But it is definitely applicable to basically any human in any stage of life!
Okay, to address this word. Empowered. It actually isn't my favorite word. It feels too loaded and too connected to some things that don't represent who I am. But at its core definition, it is what I'm going for. "To give someone the power and authority to do something. To make someone stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights."
I am a researcher. It is who I am by nature. I have curiosities and I pursue them. Whether it is a search on the internet, or finding a person who I believe has knowledge on a particular topic. Unfortunately I am also an Enneagram 9. For those of you who may not be familiar, it is a personality assessment, and the number 9 personality is a peace maker. I mentioned this in my last post as it pertained to me not wanting to cause tension in relationships. In this post, being a 9 means that I understand multiple points of view and can see where people are coming from on a multitude of topics and perspectives. This has allowed me to be friends with a myriad of people from vastly different walks of life. But it also makes it difficult to nail down what I truly believe about something. I can truly see all sides. I feel pulled to and fro by any well-articulated, logical perspective I stumble across.
So instead of getting into the nitty gritties of the things I HAVE taken a more definitive side on. I'm going to zoom out and just give you the why behind my researching, questioning ways.
NOTE: if you are not a researcher by nature, that is okay. This still applies. In fact, maybe even more so since you might not naturally see the point of pursuing knowledge.
Knowledge is power. It is a fairly known adage, but applies particularly well to this topic. I believe God gave us our minds to be used. Not to replace His role in our lives, but to help understand and interact with the world he has placed us in. And when I talk about taking control, it isn't to imply that we have any ultimate control over our lives or the outcomes of our decisions. Anyone who is currently existing in the world right now knows that is true. But we still have decisions to make nonetheless.
As a human, and especially as a mom, I have had to wrestle with all the millions of decisions I do have control over every day. And in a world with millions of perspectives, it can feel daunting. Lots of people claim the "authority" on a topic and others follow it hook, line and sinker. Usually because it is easier than "shopping around" for another perspective. Many of us aren't quite willing to hear one thing and be okay with it. We like to seek second opinions on just about everything. We want to know all the differing perspectives and weigh pros and cons and decide what works best for us. (This is why I always find it particularly insulting when people assume I'm only a Christian because I was raised in Christian home or went to church my whole life. As if I haven't weighed all my options...but I digress...)
The thing I have found to be empowering is being able to make those decisions for myself and my family. And to find something that feels right to me, in my gut and my heart and before God. (And why I use "my" in this post, assume Ben is on board...because while I am the main researcher in the family, we make the ultimate decisions together and are pretty much on the same page).
Newsflash: You don't have to do the current trend for any given parenting or lifestyle choice just because it is trending. (and if you DO choose to do a current trend, it should be because you want to).
You don't have to believe everything your favorite news source is telling you. You don't even have to do/agree with what your doctor is telling you to do.
Now before all my medical friends and family bristle too heavily at that...hear me out. Medical professionals have my respect and commendation at taking on a field and service that I am nowhere near qualified to. Everyone I know who is in the medical field are hardworking, honest and amazingly brilliant people.
But like any field, it is a service. They are a provider of a service. And not every doctor is the same or will mesh with every patient. And *lowers voice* there are even some shady doctors who may not have you or your family's best interest in mind. I know, I know. Hard to believe. Paint me cynical.
I have a reason for this (besides my own personal not-so-great experiences with several doctors). I went into a "helping" field for work assuming we were all banding together for the betterment of children- and I had my naivete completely obliterated. I was being trained by a man who had been in the field for 25 years. Tons of experience and supposedly a great trainer. Only to find out he regularly lied on legal documents, manipulated the futures of children based on his whims and preferences, and admitted he only was in the job so that he could have a steady government paycheck and benefits-and he was training me to follow the same practices. I was disgusted. But enlightened. And promptly removed myself from his training tutelage. Every field and area of life has those kind of people.
So if your doctor doesn't jive with you and there isn't mutual respect, it's okay to find a new one. If they don't answer your questions respectfully and empower you as an individual or parent, it's okay to find a new one. They work for you.
If you read a blog or article or Instagram post that feels way out there, but intrigues you, feel free to entertain those ideas and pursue those curiosities. If something makes you wonder, cringe or doesn't feel right on, that's okay too. If your firmly held beliefs are challenged, it's okay to ponder why the challenge felt hard or made you bristle and lean into it. And it's even better to find the reasons you hold those beliefs so strongly to begin with and defend them if they truly matter to you. It's okay to seek wisdom and counsel from your regular go-to's. It is okay to find someone totally new with a wildly different perspective.
This also applies when it comes to faith. Questions and doubts aren't sinful in and of themselves and they don't scare God. If you can truly say your entire walk with God has been question and doubt free, that is a red flag. Faith is substance and evidence (Hebrews 11:1). It doesn't say blind and unquestioning. And if you read the rest of that chapter, it mentions patriarchs of faith. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses and others. All of them wrestled and struggled in some intense ways. Makes my questions like, "Hmm, I wonder if creation actually was 7 literal 24-hour days" not seem so earth-shattering, to be honest.
Asking questions can actually deepen your faith and allow God to cement in you the truths he has for you by proving his character again and again. It has for me, anyway.
The point is, give yourself permission to ask questions, to challenge the "status-quo." Even if it is just YOUR status-quo!
In this day and age, we are so afraid of the other point of view that we can barely even have a civil conversation that has differing opinions. We don't even want to entertain the possibility that someone else might have a very different, yet valid point.
My challenge to you is to use the mind God gave you to ask questions, ponder different points of view, allow yourself to be stretched. It doesn't even mean you have to change a single thing about yourself. You might not. But what if it does change you. Would that be so bad?
I have eaten many an arrogantly-exclaimed statement from my pre-children years. Things I said I would always or never do. Humbling as it is, my ability to be flexible with what works for us has greatly helped me continue growing into the parent I want to be. (With lots of room for continued improvement, of course). And if I'm being honest there are some of the arrogantly-exclaimed statements that I actually followed through on. Because they were important to me, fit with our family, and felt like the right thing for us to do. I've been working to adjust the attitude from arrogant to "this is what works for us" and "you do you, boo" without the judgement on parents who do it different.
I can guarantee that you have people in your close circles who have differing opinions and perspectives you had no idea about. They might be too scared or timid to say something. Scared of repercussions, reactions or just feeling uncertain themselves. And it isn't always guaranteed that your close friends and family will give you the space to let you hold your own perspectives if it differs from theirs.
If you are that person, who gets defensive and patronizing or belittling to those who share differing opinions, consider listening with respect, pushing back with gentleness and validating what the relationship means to you despite differences.
If you are that person who is scared of alienating people close to you, I get it. I don't always share my thoughts. I have shared them and gotten burned. I have shared them and been supported. Either way, my brain is always thinking, comparing perspectives, challenging my views and adjusting my own opinions. You don't have to post all over social media or bring up your ponderings at every family/friend event. But that also shouldn't stop you from continuing your own pursuit of knowledge or trying out a few "what are your thoughts on..." conversations to test the waters.
May you be empowered to discover who YOU are and what YOU believe. It might mimic someone's perspective perfectly, or it might be a beautifully complex combination of all the insights you gather when you pursue your own perspectives.
