And as fascinating as it has been, it has been even more discouraging. Because real people who I really care about are on opposite sides of a spectrum, feeling things quite passionately. And with that passion comes opinions and thoughts that are deep-seated and really solidify the ways these thoughts and opinions are manifested in their daily life. And like any deep-seated and solidified belief, there comes judgement, fear, accusation, justification and many more nasty side effects hurled at anyone who tips the scale in the other direction.
To be honest, it has all felt yucky to me. And I've struggled to find my footing with God in all of it. While I can see both sides of things, I have done tons of reading, research, soul-searching and verbal processing to land in a place that feels at peace for me and my family. (As a side note, I have to say I am so thankful to have a husband who sees things pretty much the way I do...I know many couples/families where this isn't the case.)
And even though I've come to be more settled internally about where I land, some piece was missing still. Most of my settling has come in the form of choices we as a family make in how we outwardly live in the midst of this pandemic. But inwardly, I still have felt like I am balanced on the edge of a deep abyss of fear, anxiety, loss of control and panic. As I stated in a previous blog, I am a questioner. I love taking in information and using it to help inform my worldview and choices. It makes me feel empowered. But another thing I think we can all agree upon is that in this instance, the information available is anything but reliable.
It is being updated, changed, manipulated, and withheld. It is from biased perspectives of the medical field, economists, politicians, sensational journalists, faith leaders, your everyday story-loving Sally. Fact checkers are out in force. Links are being removed and debunked. It is hard to know what is the real deal. Some people (probably wisely) tune most of it out. Some people narrow down their news sources to ones they feel most confident trusting and just double down on those perspectives. Some people (like yours truly) just keep taking as much in as possible in the hopes that we can weed through it and begin categorizing it and maybe find some threads that feel truthful to grasp on to.
Fastfoward to being two months into this mess and I finally read an article that "pinged" with me on a deeper, spiritual level. (And I don't even want to tell you how much info I've waded through the past few months). I've kept reminding myself that I want "faith over fear" but couldn't really tell you what that meant. The article (which I will link here) reminded me that I have built up idols of safety and security in my life.
*Quick disclaimer about the linked article: I don't know much about the site it is published on-this is not a plug for their perspectives or theology in general. I don't intend this to indicate that choosing caution and following government directives is bad or wrong. Please actually read the article and not just the title. *
Okay, back to why this convicted me. Idolatry. Something that I have placed at higher priority in my life than God/Christ. We have all done it. It is human nature. It is the Enemy lying to us telling us, "Sure, sure, God loves you but YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS!" Usually it is something we try to control. Or something we feel makes our life better. In this situation, I have been idolizing security and safety. I don't want my life turned upside down. I don't want to be restricted. I don't want my health/medical choices made for me. I want assurances that me, my kids, my husband, my unborn child and my extended family and friends will be okay.
But this was never promised to me. Especially as a believer. But instead of that solidifying my faith in Christ, it has driven a wedge between us. I have been taking in information, making practical decisions for my family and trying my darndest to escape that suffocating feeling of fear and anxiety by fixing it myself. I have repeated "Choose faith over fear" without actually doing that myself. I have told myself to just calm down and think logically and it will all be okay.
The author of the above article says this, "Aside from whatever physical and emotional scars the coronavirus might leave upon the body of Christ, we can be sure that, in time, this event will produce wonderful fruit. As backwards as it may sound, Let’s welcome this reality...Let me say this as plainly as I can: Christian, COVID-19, in ways that we may not fully understand in this life, is making you mature and complete in Christ; it is for your good. "
But this applies, not just to COVID-19, but also to anything that threatens those idols. When that happens, do I press into Jesus? Do I look around and keep scrambling to pick up the pieces but miss the opportunity extended to me by the Father to look to Him first and foremost?
The author also quoted Charles Spurgeon here:
"I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages."
Wow. Just go back and read it again. Let it sink in. That quote has been repeating like an anthem in my mind ever since I read it several days ago. How could I possibly be grateful for these trials? How could I be grateful for something that could cause me or my neighbor harm or death? I'm not sure I am grateful for it in those terms. But I want to be grateful that it is pushing me, urging me back to Jesus. He is a lighthouse, shining his beacon in hopes that my toiling ship will seek safe harbor in Him. I could keep cursing the waves, and miss the invitation of how this is pushing me toward Christ. Or I could grasp the opportunity to press into him and walk through the unfolding with Him. It is how I believe he "works all things together for good" (Romans 8:28).
Choosing faith doesn't mean blindly saying "God will take care of me, no need to do anything myself." But it does mean reexamining those things we do to see if they have crept up to idol status and been erected in fear and with a sense of control.
I know that as Christians (and especially as a country at large), we may never fully see eye-to-eye on how things are being handled. We still need to make practical decisions for ourselves and our families. That will look different. And the tension will still exist. But I hope that learning to kiss the wave that throws us against Jesus will be the way we can become more mature and complete in Christ--As that IS the goal of being a CHRISTian. The results of that shift will be a church that rises up with love, grace, community, servanthood and compassion during this tumultuous time. And I can pretty much guarantee (Well, God guarantees it-I just second it) that it will be with more astounding, and impactful results than we could ever muster from our own hearts governed by erected idols of fear-based control.
