So Much Christmas. So Late.

From the moment we pulled away from our house on December 17 and Ben drove Asher and I to the airport...Christmas began.   And it continued until after New Years.  So I shall do pictures, lots and lots of pictures.  There will be captions.  There might be a few stories.  A lot of it will revolve around Asher...because, well, our lives sort of revolve around him.  Not to mention, this was his first time meeting many of the various and sundry extended family members.

Just so you have an appreciation for what is to follow...I had this blog completely finished, went to publish it and lost it all. Somehow my connection was bad the whole time I was writing it and so it wasn't saving along the way...I was pretty disappointed and basically abandoned the whole thing until today when I finally had the courage to start over.  

*pressing save*

But it's hard when you have really witty and/or informative captions and then they are gone.  Secondary ones just aren't as clever and come across sounding so boring.  

Anyway.  Here goes.

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Grandma and Grandpa D helped Asher get this gift for Mommy and Daddy for Christmas.  Super cute, and really yummy.

Asher and I flying to CA a few days before Ben.  I was a little apprehensive, but it turned out great!  He did so well the whole time!

First stop...the ocean.  It really made my heart happy to take Asher to a place that means so much to me.  I look forward to coming back when he is older and letting him get salty and sandy and generally enjoy the beach like I did growing up. 

Uncle Joey meeting Asher for the first time =)

Papa and Asher bonding over morning conversations.  Last time my dad saw him, he was a few days old...so much has changed!

J&K had a Christmas party, and Asher was the only little there.  He did super well being passed around and talked at.  But then finally had enough and pulled this.  It was super adorable.  

Asher meeting Great-Grammy.  It was so special to have her meet him, hold him and love on him.  

Asher showing off the signature nostril flare, passed down from Papa to me, and now to him.  

Nothing like a California sunset with palm trees...

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These two... They set up this chair and proceeded to belt out "Angels We Have Heard on High."  What isn't pictured is them trying to get Little Sister to sit up there with them, sit still and participate without squirming.  Needless to say, it didn't work so well.  

These three lovelies at the Americana.  

So Ben told me a few weeks before I went to California to have Wednesday evening blocked off.  He said he had a suprise date-night for us.  When I asked him details, he said, "Everyone who needs to know something, has the information they need.  Asher's care is already arranged, as are all the details...Just don't plan anything for that night and enjoy the rest!"  

This was fairly difficult for me.  

After an early, yummy Mexican dinner with my parents Ben and I hopped aboard the metro train headed for Union Station.  There we got off.  Ben said he wanted to explore a little bit, so I took him to Olvera Street and we enjoyed this little piece of LA that I have come to love so much. 

I also love Union Station.  One of the reasons he brought me here was because I had planned to take some of our wedding pictures here, but we ran out of time.  He had never seen it, so wanted me to show him my ideas for our pictures. 

Then we hopped aboard another train (side note:  Ben totally had the train stuff all figured out...the transfers, stops etc...I was really impressed.  Though it shouldn't surprise me, since he is really good at that kind of thing.) 

We transferred to another train and finally got off and walked over to a little place in Downtown Los Angeles called LA Live.  

(When I say little, I might be exaggerating.) 

There were festive ice skaters, giant Christmas tree, lights, people, restaurants, and so much happening.  

There were two events going on down there that night:

Dancing with the Stars

Lakers Game. 

Now this is the true test of how well Ben knows me...

Because our final destination was....

The LAKERS GAME!  

It has been on my bucket list for a while now to see a Lakers Game at the Staples Center. One of those things that makes me feel like a true Angelino at heart.  

I had been talking about it for a while...and he got tickets and planned the whole evening on the down low!  It was doubly special, because basketball is not Ben's favorite sport to watch...and yet he knows how much I love it.  

Just something about the whole experience felt epic. 

Ben got the tickets like the week before Kobe Bryant announced his retirement.  Which was a good thing, because the prices skyrocketed.  

So that was our date night.  The Lakers lost miserably (down 35 points) to OKC.  Ben kept saying he hoped the experience wasn't ruined by such a bad game.  I told him it wasn't possible.  It was on my bucket list for the experience of it, not necessarily because I am a diehard Lakers fan.  And we got the full experience.

It will be hard for me to come up with a Christmas gift or date night that rivals that one...You did good Ben. =)

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Christmas snapshots:

Karlina learning the art of Jenga with Uncle Joey

The family puzzlers.  Ender was very intent on helping with this Norman Rockwell classic. 

Asher hanging out with Papa...

Then they both got a little tired, and took a mid-Christmas snooze. 

Overall it was a fantastic time in CA.  

We then headed to Phoenix for a little quality time with the other side of the family.  

This was one of like two pictures I took while we were there.  Cousin Portia has Asher, Nate is in the middle and Great Grandma has Judah (born a few weeks before Asher).  We had some good times together, and I was glad they got to meet Ash too.

Finally on the way home!  It was nice to have Daddy on the return flight.  Again, Asher did famously.  

While we were gone, the dogs grew their tolerance level for each other!  This is pretty close for them!

Whew.  Well finally I got Christmas done.  So much has happened since then...I'll post again soon, hopefully.  

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed comes in many packages for me.  It isn't always a negative thing.  But right now, in this moment...it is hard. 

I went back.  I drove the familiar roads back to our house.  Well, not "our house" any more.  His house.  Whoever "he" is.  I knew it wasn't a good idea.  I'm too fragile.  I wasn't ready to leave when Ben and I pulled out of the driveway on that cold morning to head to the airport.  It all happened too fast.  I was in denial for most of it.  But I went back. To get the mail.  To get closure?  Who knows.  

I parked out front.  I never park out front.  Its an odd feeling, you know, to be in a place so familiar...so yours...and realize you are a stranger and totally don't belong.  Only a few weeks had passed.  It's as if the house itself forgot who I was.  

I knocked on the door.  To get the mail.  To see him.  His car was in the driveway so I knew he was home.   I never do this.  Knock on doors of people I don't know.  But it was my door.  It felt so strange to be knocking on my own door.  A door that I used to just unlock and go into...but now isn't mine anymore.  

He fumbled with the lock.  The chain lock.  Funny, we never used the chain lock.  I saw his face briefly and thought, "This is the guy who bought our house?  Who is living in our space?"  It was judgmental, I know.  And when he finally got the door open, I realized it was a hasty judgment.  He looked nice.  Interrupted, but nice.  I apologized for bothering him, but before I could get out my introduction, he said, "Oh you are the previous tenant."  It felt good, you know.  To be recognized.  It hit me that he had been in our house when it it was our house.  He had seen our pictures, examined our space and approved of it.  He knew who I was.  

I wanted to be mad at him.  Afterall, him buying the house led to these feelings of being overwhelmed and uncertain of our future.  But he was...nice.  He interrupted his conference call to write down my name and number for future reference if any important mail or packages showed up.  He said he or his wife would call.  He has a wife.  Somehow that detail made it hard to be mad at him.  He and his wife would be in our space the way Ben and I were.  They may cook together, sit in the living room together, grill on the patio together, walk to the cemetery together.  

Even though I couldn't be mad at him, I was still overwhelmed.   I got back in the car and began to cry.  I drove away from my house.  Ugh...not my house.  His house.  I drove away from his house.  And I cried from someplace deep inside me that had been boxed and set aside like most of the contents of that house.  I drove past the cemetery and cried harder.  I will probably miss that place as much as the house.  It is where I walked and talked with God. It is where Ben and I discussed names for our baby and settled on Asher Warren.  It is where I walked while I labored before Asher's birth.  It is where we went on our first walk as a family together.    

I know I can go back there.  But lets be realisitic.  When will I drive to a place that isn't exactly on the way to anywhere just to walk in a cemetery, when there are dozens closer.  I make plans to, but I know it won't happen.  

I texted Ben and told him I wasn't ready.  Wasn't ready to leave.  Wasn't ready to go back.  But now its done.  Maybe it was good afterall...

Now, if you can imagine this... Along with this overwhelming sadness and loss, comes overwhelming gratefulness and peace.  My in-laws have so graciously and generously taken us into their home for an indefinite period of time.  We aren't sure about our future or where we will end up.  But we both feel peaceful being here.  It will take some adjustment.  There will be some ups and downs to be sure... but we are so so blessed to be able to spend this time with family, to have a place to live, and to have time and space to figure out what we will do next.  

And to answer the question we have been getting pretty much non-stop is:  No, we don't know what we are doing next.  We are here, we are fine here, and we will continue to stay here until it becomes clear what we are to do next.  We were just discussing last night that we feel God will make it clear when to move on.  In the meantime, we will bask in the peace of having a roof over our heads, a space to raise our baby in comfort and family to do it with.  

I pray that man and his wife will be blessed in our little house.  Good things have happened there.  it has been filled with love, laughter, memories, yummy food and family.  The Spirit was invited in with us when we moved there and we pray He stays and continues to impact the lives of everyone who knocks on that door and enters.