House Hunters

No, I'm not referring to the TLC show (although it sure is fun to watch)--I am in fact referring to Ben and I's journey to find a house.  I figure it is about time to update my blog-reading populous, so I'm going to do just that.  

For a little bit of history:  Back in August of 2015, we signed another year lease at our little duplex near Lake Como.  Our landlord had mentioned in passing that he was ready to get out of the property management game and sell the house.  It seemed far off...until 3 days after Asher was born.  He brought us a bottle of wine, congratulated us and said, "Oh, by the way, I'm putting the house on the market, I'll be in touch about showings and such."  

And just like that we were thrust into a situation that was not ideal.  Through several conversations with the realtor, we were given the impression that it was 98% sure we would get to stay in the duplex under new ownership.  Unfortunately, there was a reason he couldn't guarantee 100%.  New owner wanted to live in our unit of the duplex.  We got the call early December that we had to be out early January.  Forced to think about the next step in our future many months before we had planned to think about it...we moved in with Ben's parents to catch our breath.  Fast forward 5 1/2 months, and here we are.  

Through much--and I mean MUCH--thought and prayer and thought and prayer, we have finally headed in a direction.  But before I get ahead of myself...

The past 5 months have not been easy for me (and not so easy for Ben either).  We were hoping that some direction would feel more right than another...and it just wasn't becoming as clear as we had hoped.  We had two paths we were considering...and they went in opposite directions.  Literally.  

Either stay in Minnesota for the forseeable future...

Or pack up and move to California (we've got lots of friends out there)  --Hawk Nelson Reference anyone?

They both held pros and cons...pretty much equal pros and cons, to me.  However, I have held in my heart the desire and hope that I would get to raise my kids in California.  To be near my parents as they live the best years of their life.  To be around my brothers, the mountains, beach and all the things about Los Angeles that I hold so dear.  

But I also knew leaving here would be really hard for me.  I have a life here.  Friends, favorite places, 4 years worth of significant history.  It is where I met and fell in love with Ben.  It is where I met my beloved TBS friends who have been such an encouragement to me.  It is where my first baby was born.  Even writing this, I'm tearing up, because this place is significant.  

Being honest here, Ben and I ran into some tough things along this journey.  Based on some other situations and experiences we've had, he was pretty sure that I only wanted to move to CA, and that deep down I didn't want to stay here.  A year or two ago, that might have been true, but I actually can call this place home now.  

We had passionate discussions, shed tears and really trudged through some hard territory both in our relationship, as well as personally.

I should insert here that we chose to stay in Minnesota.  We finally realized that God wasn't giving us clear direction because neither was a wrong choice.  Both had positives and both would require sacrifice.  So we went out on a limb and started the process of looking for a house to buy, realizing that at any point, God could redirect us.  We knew there was a lesson in this for us...and sacred waiting was one of those lessons (more on that in another post...).

Ugh...this is hard for me, guys.  I have tried putting into words the war in my heart that takes place on a regular basis.  How can I want two things so much...two opposite things.  How do you grieve a loss of something you are giving up, while being really excited for what you are embracing.  Poor Ben, it's been a rollercoaster...One minute I'm crying because my heart is breaking...and the next I'm sending him a million Zillow listings of house options, excitedly singing the praises of each.  

It is hard to let the sad be sad, while letting the happy be happy.  I'm still not sure I have the balance.  To add on to that, I have both sides of my life, the MN side and CA side giving reactions to the news and I feel lost in the wasteland between them.  People try to express both but the reality is, anyone who is close to me/us has feelings too.  Feelings of excitement and relief that we are staying.  Feelings of sadness and loss because we are staying.  

Ha.  Even as I wrote that, I thought, "Wow Suzy, you sure are assuming a lot..."  And maybe that is true.  Maybe people are truly less impacted by this decision than I think they are.  Maybe I am just so impacted by it that I assume it affects others too.  I don't know.  In any case, I often feel alone and totally confused by my feelings.  

Ben has been really supportive and sweet...but he even admitted the other night that he doesn't fully understand my feelings. Part of that is, he just plain isn't as sentimental as I am. 

Anyway... *brushes away tears flowing down cheeks and takes a deep breath*

Here we are!  Minnesota will be home for right now (notice how I still have to add on the "right now?"  I can't fully let go of someday calling CA home again).  

So we began house hunting.  It started with meeting with a loan banker to see if we even could buy a house.  Turns out, one of the exciting things about Minnesota is that we CAN buy a house, where we wouldn't be able to in CA.  Our banker recommended a realtor to us.  We had no idea how much God was making our paths straight with that casual, "If you don't find a realtor, here is a card of a lady I've worked with before...she is great."  

Great is an understatement.  Rochelle has been fantastic.  She was surprised at how young we were...she said Ben sounded so mature on the phone.  She worked quickly and efficiently to get us showings at some houses we were interested in.  She was honest with us, picked up quickly on our likes and dislikes, kept a positive and professional attitude and made the process easy to understand and fun!  

Our first house was a bust.  We loved it so much.  Through conversation we realized the neighborhood wasn't the safest.  Growing up in LA, I have a pretty high tolerance for what is sketchy so it didn't really bother me...Ben was a bit more practical thinking of raising kids there.   However, 45 minutes after we left the showing, there was a gang-involved shooting 3-4 blocks away from the house at a busy intersection.  5 people were injured, and one was killed.  Ben and I took that as a pretty clear sign that while the house was perfect, the neighborhood just didn't feel like a place we were ready to raise Asher. 

We sent Rochelle links to other houses we liked, and by the time she could contact the other agent to book a showing, the houses had pending offers on them...we are talking in the span of one day.  It was a little disheartening.  

Second house that got a showing wasn't particularly high on our list of favorite listings.  The pictures and description caught our attention, but we were going just to go, not necessarily because we saw it is as our home.  

When we walked inside though, we were charmed.  Pictures online are often taken from vantage points and with lenses that really are deceptive.  Often when you see a house in real life, it can be disappointing to find that the reality is much less desireable than it seemed online.  And though the house WAS different than was portrayed online, it was still pleasantly surprising to see it.  As we walked through, our realtor was pointing out all of the things that matched our "wish list."  Things like hardwood floors, gas stove, fenced in yard, big garage.  We talked about the potential of putting a third bedroom in the basement.  Of making the basement 1/2 bath a full bath.  How our furniture would fit...and we could both see it.  Another feature that drew us was the fact that the house had much of the original 1923 features from when it was built.  Windows and doors that were in fantastic working condition, original floors, wide baseboards and trim that hadn't been painted over, a like-new original ice box built into the wall off the kitchen.  

We left there and went to another house...but by the time we finished that showing, we knew.  This was our house.  It was small, it wasn't perfect, but we fell in love.  We were reminded of a quote, "Home is where the spirit feels at rest."  Both Ben and I agreed when we left there, that our spirits felt at rest.  

Fast forward a few weeks.  We got loan approval, our offer was accepted and yesterday our inspection was completed.  Lord willing, we will close on June 10th, and we will be real homeowners!  

It is totally surreal and neither of us can hardly believe it.  Yesterday at the inspection was the first time we had been in the home since the showing.  Things were different than we remembered.  Some of our dreaming and plans weren't as realistic as we originally thought.  As we walked around though, I asked Ben if this was still it.  He looked at me with a smile and said, "Yep.  And I want to move in like, tomorrow."    

We will keep you posted with pictures and such as we get settled in next month.  Thanks for reading along...sorry it got long.  I couldn't just tell you about the house without expressing some of the journey we've had getting here.  It is an important piece.  And it will always be an integral part of the story of how we bought our first home.  

Why is it integral?  Because God wanted us to learn something.  He was teaching us that waiting means being in his presence and serving him...not just twiddling our thumbs until he gives us a desired outcome.  He was teaching us that sometimes he doesn't give clear direction.  It is up to us to step out in faith, holding his hand and trusting that he will guide us along the way.  He was teaching us to let go of things we were holding on to tightly.  He was teaching us that we are a team and our personal dreams and desires are not worth sacrificing relationship with the other.  And he is still teaching us to hold on loosely, because as we know from past experience, anything can happen...especially when you least expect it.  

What we know for sure?  He is faithful and good.  All the time.  

Amen.  

Being Asher's Mama

Being Asher's mom is something that seems hard to put into words...but I'm going to try.
I've been at this whole mom thing for a whopping 7 months, and it is everything I dreamed and nothing I could have imagined.  I am learning so much about this little person, so fresh and new to the world...and learning even more about myself.  Ben obviously plays a big role in our lives, but for the sake of space and time, I'm just going to focus on Asher and I.

We have a good rhythm, Ash and I.  Our days are relatively predictable, and I like that.  I thrive on structure, even though I fight to keep myself from the rut of monotony. I'll quick run through a typical day, and then move on to things I've learned.

6:30-7 am: Asher wakes up and fusses about.  Ben normally brings him into bed where I nurse him and we both fall back asleep until anywhere from 8:30-9:30.

8:30-9:30 am: We wake up, lay in bed, talk and smile at each other.  Asher is such a good waker-upper.

10 am:  I take a shower while Asher sits on the bathroom rug playing with a tube of butt paste (interestingly it is the one thing that keeps him occupied in the bathroom the entire length of my shower).  We listen to the Donut Man or Mary Rice Hopkins every morning.

The afternoons look generally the same...but times vary.

Asher used to nap every 2 hours.  He loves napping.  We are down to two naps a day.  Mid-morning and afternoon.  In between those (the times vary depending on activities, when we woke up, etc...) he eats lots of delicious fruit and veggie combinations, we try to do one outing a day and get some chores done around the house.  I actually do chores while Asher is awake.  He has learned to occupy himself while he can see me going from room to room doing whatever.  I use his nap time as "me time" where I browse facebook, write a blog post, read, sleep etc...

Daddy gets home about 5:30-6.  We wait at the window for him.  Then we eat dinner, play until 8.

8-8:30 pm: bathtime, bedtime routine.

Then Ben and I have our alone time after that!

Things I have learned about Asher:
-He truly is a happy boy.  He wakes up happy, smiling and cooing at me.  He loves attention and will squeal, flap his arms and grin wide whenever he can get some interaction with me or anyone else.
-He thrives on schedules too.  He does well with predictability as far as when he eats, sleeps and is even a regular pooper.
-While he is social like me, he is thoughtful and observant like Ben...often seriously taking in his surroundings before becoming fully at ease and diving into smiles, laughs and interactions.
-He already has a sense of humor...fake coughing to get my attention then grinning wildly when I look his way.
-He is a snuggler.  I knew this was possible even when he was in the womb...as he would wedge himself up under my right rib cage as far in the corner as he could go.  He loves being held, being snuggled and it's obvious that physical touch is a love language of his.  (example of this: one night he was so fussy in his crib.  I went in and put my hand on his chest.  He gripped my arm and began to settle down.  As long as he could be touching my arm or hand, he was calm...it was a long night =P)
-The kid loves food.  In this way, the apple did not fall far from the mom or dad tree.  There is a recommended serving size for his age and he eats easily two to three times that much.  My ECFE teacher said that he will let me know when he is full, by turning his head away or spitting out the food...and I have never gotten to that point (unless it is a food he doesn't care for like plain peas...which he stops eating after a few spoon fulls and a good body shiver or two).
-He needs a break from me.  By the end of the day, we are both really excited to see Ben.  He needs the change in face, voice and interaction and I need a break from being needed.
-He loves little rituals.  After every nap, I go into his room and say his name and talk to him in a super lovey voice even before he can see me.  Then when I go pick him up, he is smiling so big.  Then we have this super random tradition of looking at the curtain that hangs by his bed right after he gets up.  For some reason he loves the curtain.  It is the most boring, beige curtain.  But he lights up, and reaches for it and grasps it with the most delighted look on his face.  Not sure why he loves it, but we do it after every nap because it obviously means something to him.

Things I have learned about myself:
-It is a lot harder to let him fuss at night when we are letting him self-soothe than I thought it would be.  Ben sometimes has to literally hold me in bed so I don't run and get him
-I find myself delighting in him...delighting in knowing him, what makes him tick, what he likes, what makes him smile.
-I still can hardly believe he is mine.  I look at him, and he lights up with that look that a baby only gives his mom...It is so satisfying to know I'm his person.
-I really miss full nights of deep sleep.
-I love each milestone and stage he is in.  Each one gets better and more delightful than the last.  They last just long enough for me before I would get bored and then he learns something new and we enter a whole new phase.
-I love taking him out in public and proudly wearing the identity of "Mom."  There is something about that that I really love...not really sure why.
-I am not one of those moms who can't be away from their baby.  I have Bible study two evenings a week and Ben does Asher's entire bedtime routine alone.  I have stayed overnight away from him.  Yes, I miss him.  And yes, I think about him when I'm not with him.  But I think we both do well to have some time away from each other.  It also has really strengthened his and Ben's relationship.  It is obvious they have a very distinct bond that I was worried would be lacking because I'm a stay at home mom and have the most interaction with Asher.  
-This mom thing is tough.  But not overwhelming.  I decided before Asher was born to be intentional about focusing on the positives and not stressing over things that appear to be normal "mom" stuff.
-sometimes I look at him and I can't help but smile because this amazing little human is so incredible, adorable and mine.

In all, it has been an incredible 7 months.  I have been so grateful and humbled by the opportunity to be Asher's mom.  I have learned much and hopefully will continue to learn more, grow and change.  The one thing I hope doesn't change is the depth of connection and love between my boy and I.

Here are some pictures of life as of late!

Never tires of mirror-chats with himself.

This was within a few minutes of waking up. 

Even though it is nice, sometimes it can be frustrating when he pulled such shenanigans the night before...I suppose it is a blessing though, because that smile sure pushes the annoying feelings out of the way quickly!

He loves blueberries.  Although his poo was this nasty black charcoal color afterwards and it was a little freaky. 

One Friday afternoon, Ben picked us up and took us to a few garden centers!  As part of his job, he scouts other retailers in the area and compares prices, plant offerings and potting options.  So while he did all the nerdy horticulture things, Asher and I enjoyed the sunshine, pretty flowers and earthy smells. 

Such a cutie-patootie in his little hooded towel! 

His new favorite toy is the battery operated train.  He watches it with rapt attention as it circles the track.  As it gets closer, he flaps his arms in excitement...and as it passes he leans as close to it as he can, trying to grab it.  We set it just out of reach normally, but every once in a while he gets it, and into the mouth it goes!

Yes, I admit...we take lots of selfies.  But this kid lights up when he sees himself in the phone screen...and so it makes taking pictures so fun! 

Water play is a definite plus of summer time!  

Sometimes when he leans too far foward, he falls like this.  And then stays there for a few minutes as if mentally evaluating his options on how to get out of this predicament.  I would love to know his thoughts as he lays there and then eventually flattens out onto his tummy.  

Walking the dog park!  4 x around is a mile...so when the weather is nice, I try to go a few times a week and do some laps!  Sometimes on the weekend or in the evenings, Daddy comes with us! 

This past weekend was Joe's prom.  He brought his date, Juliet, by the house and they took some pictures with Asher.  Claire and Rose picked out this spiffy outfit for Ash, and he made a great addition to their picture!

Asher and his best buddy Chico. This pretty much sums up their relationship.  All Chico has to do is look at Asher and he is enamored.  Especially if Chico speaks to him in French or Wolof (native language of Senegal).  Asher will miss Chico a lot when Chico returns to Africa in June.  

This past week, Asher discovered sleeping on his tummy.  And boy does he love it.  He now wakes up with a smile AND a good face-smoosh look! 

That little hat.  I can't get over it.  He looks like such a little buddy decked out in his summer outfit!  

I can't believe how much he has grown and changed.  Sometimes I try to imagine what he will be like at 1 year old or beyond... and I just can't.  But I do know that it will be here before I know it and it will all just feel totally right and normal!  

Thanks for sharing a piece of my mommy-journey with me!