There is a new trend online that features the hashtag #metoo. It is an opportunity for women who have been victimized by sexual assault or harassment to share that they have had these experiences. The effort is being made to show just how big the problem of sexual assault and harassment is.
And I agree, it is a big one.
I did not share this hashtag or post for several reasons. However, I did reflect on my experiences in my life that could qualify as being the victim of assault or harassment. Just note that the following thoughts are my thoughts. They are my experiences and feelings, and not intended to invalidate or dictate what others are feeling or should feel.
Technically I have been harassed.
Looked up and down at by grown men when I was a teenager. Feeling their stares "undressing" me.
I was asked on a date in high school, only to be told he would only go out with me if I put out (I slapped him...)
I was touched inappropriately by a man when I was a very young girl, but apparently reported it to my mom post haste (my memories and the account I've heard from her blur, and it apparently didn't cause too much lasting damage).
I was grabbed from behind by a coworker in the restaurant I worked in, during our shift. He linked his arms around my chest and pinned my arms down by my sides "as a joke" until I elbowed him in the stomach.
One of my managers told me I would look less like a prude and more sexy if I wore a shorter, tighter uniform skirt (he was later fired for similar comments to me and other females).
I was told by a coworker that my off-shift clothes were too modest and I had a great body and should wear lower cut shirts and tighter pants to show it off.
I reported my boss for making jokes and comments that made me and other female employees uncomfortable and ended up not getting the promotion I had been training for.
All of these are examples of harassment. However, I don't feel like a victim here. These times made me feel gross or weirded out, annoyed/frustrated and even a little frightened. But I guess I viewed those men as the abnormal creeps, not how most/all men are. I looked at it as their problem and not a reflection of who I am at all. It doesn't excuse them by any means. But they really didn't deserve any more of my brain space or emotional energy than what I chose to give them, which was minimal. And several got real-life consequences for their actions/choices, which I am in full support of.
However, I refuse to allow my experience with a few dictate how I view the many. I have way more good men of integrity in my life than the gross creepers. My dad, brothers, uncles, cousins, friends, classmates, coworkers...the majority have been really good guys.
And I am married to one of the best 😉
They are out there fighting to stand strong amidst the muck that swirls around them.
I know this isn't everyone's reality, and I don't take it for granted. However, even if someone else's husband or dad or uncles or brothers or coworkers aren't quality, someone else's are. And they are men too...men who don't deserved to be lumped in with the disgusting and abusive ones, no matter what your experience has been.
**Now I want to note that in the above-mentioned examples, four of those situations involved me telling the person to stop because it made me uncomfortable, and they did. In two cases there was an apology. In the other two, they may have thought I was being too uptight and prudish, but they respected it and stopped the comments. And honestly, I give them credit for that. Because even if you never learned to not make stupid and gross comments/jokes, it is a good/learned skill to be able to stop when someone asks you to.**
I am going to share with you some experiences that are a little vulnerable for me. Some of you may know about these times in my life...many of you do not. I will preface with the fact that God's grace has been more than abundant and these experiences have shaped me and grown me in so many amazing ways...even though the journey was rough and painful at times.
*Names changed*
1. Carter: We were friends in college. We were in choir together and hung out on campus, I taught him some piano lessons. We went to lunch quite a bit, hung out in the parking garage after class by our cars. Sometimes at night, sometimes during the day. Sometimes in public, sometimes alone. We kinda liked each other. We hugged, flirted, held hands a few times. I didn't really know him that well at first. But I'm trusting (naive?) and relatively discerning (I'd like to think...). He didn't have the same standards of purity that I had for myself. Whenever it seemed like he wanted to take our relationship further, I put on the brakes. I didn't want a boyfriend, technically and I didn't want to cross certain physical lines. I took for granted that he would respect it. But he did. Every time. He is one of the good guys.
2. Joe: We worked together in California. Weren't really friends at first, but had a few good conversations during our shift, texted back and forth, and ended up hanging out in the parking lot after work most nights. We would talk, go to the beach, walk, hug, flirt and we liked each other. Honestly, I was feeling compromised. He would have been a great boyfriend, and people at work teased us all the time. But he didn't have the same values and beliefs I did and I knew it couldn't go anywhere. But I kind of really led him on. We spent time around people and alone. He pursued me for relationship and I didn't do a very good job of shutting it down because I liked him too. And yet he respected all my boundaries. He never pushed me to do anything. He never took advantage of those times alone. He is one of the good guys.
3. David: He was a manager of mine in California. He was fun, kind of the bad boy type. He had a motorcycle and invited me for a ride. I was young and impulsive and went with him. He took me out for lunch and we rode around the city. He took me back to his house to watch a movie. However, even when it was late at night and we were alone in his house sitting on his couch, (and he obviously was a player and gave plenty of indication that he would have no problem hooking up), he never made a move and took me home when I asked him to. Turns out he also dealt drugs on the side so his life choices were questionable. But still, he was one of the good guys.
4. Ivan: Worked with him in Minnesota. I was new, he said he would show me around the cities. He asked to hang out after work. I told him he could take me to coffee. Later he admitted he had never taken a girl to get coffee, usually he went to bars or clubs. He said it was refreshing to just chat and have coffee. He would give me rides home from work and even hung out in my loft with me one evening. He took me to get the yummiest tacos I had had in MN. He made a dumb life choice and got a DUI, so his personal life choices were questionable. But he never made a move or made me feel uncomfortable and he respected my boundaries. He is one of the good guys.
5. Jared: We were coworkers in Minnesota. He used to walk me home from work on numerous occasions. And we had lots of good talks. Yes, he had a girlfriend, and yes he lived a block from me so I thought he was trustworthy. And it wasn't about "liking" each other. We truly were just friends. But he got me safely home many nights after midnight, past dark alleys, down deserted streets and to my door. He never once took advantage of that situation, when he easily could have. He is one of the good guys.
I share with you these scenarios because there are good guys out there. Some of them weren't "good" overall and really made terrible personal life choices. None had faith of any kind guiding or shaping their morals. All of them had opportunity and most expressed desire to have more physical contact than a hug. But none of them crossed any lines. If I was bordering on feeling uncomfortable they all stepped away and respected what I asked of them. They never got angry or guilted me or blamed me for leading them on (which I totally did in most cases). They never took what I'm sure they may have wanted.
I made some unwise choices at those times. I put myself in potentially dangerous or just dumb situations. I obviously didn't learn my lesson and I was selfish because I wanted attention and affirmation from them. Again, all credit goes to God for his grace poured over me that kept me from worse outcomes other than some heartbreak on a few occasions.
I wanted to give these guys a shout out because they are being forgotten while many men are being outed as scum. And they don't deserve it. They deserve to be called out for the good choices they made. I admit I don't know about all their interactions with all the women in their lives. But I am speaking from my experience with them. And I am forever grateful to them for having integrity with me.
This isn't to invalidate the #metoo movement. Breaking the stigma of shame and guilt is important. Darkness is always chased away by light.
But I think there is more to it.
I don't think the problem will be solved by telling all men that they are disgusting pigs who need to treat all the beautiful women with more respect. Women should be able to live life with their guard down, without needing to take precautions etc... But that isn't reality. And it is a sin problem that began back in the Garden of Eden. The cycle gets broken when secrets and sin are exposed. When women speak out and are given safe places to do it. But I also think that when the good men are validated, when the boys are raised with expectations and guidance...we will see a difference. The bad ones should get what they deserve, especially legally when applicable. But they shouldn't get the emotional energy of those they have hurt. They don't deserve it. That energy and passion should go toward building up the good ones. Acknowledging them. Encouraging them. Supporting them in raising good sons.
All this to say, I don't believe that men are the problem. Broken humans are the problem. Men and women. Combinations of certain people at certain places with certain conditions and bam...you have an encounter that forever alters someone's life (man or woman). There are motivations of revenge and anger and mental illness that are serious. There is immaturity, lack of solid examples, lack of discipline and teaching. There are so many factors that play a role. And there is no clear-cut social justice answer to solve the problem. The only way to truly solve it is Jesus and his redemptive work in the life of men and women.
I'm excited about raising a son (and potentially more sons). I'm excited that he has a dad, grandpas, uncles, cousins and friends who are good examples of what it means to be a man of integrity. I am excited for the opportunities he has to be one of the good ones. He can learn by the examples of men around him. He can be tempered and led by the Spirit. He can treat women with respect and love. I won't teach him that men are pigs who must be tamed. I will teach him that he is a man who is capable of so much goodness with the help of Jesus. That selflessness and love, respect and loyalty, integrity and character are attainable attributes. Self-control is a fruit of a Spirit-filled life and he can have access to that. I will teach him that no matter what temptations surround him, what choices other people are making, he is responsible for his mind, his body and his actions, and it isn't impossible. The message I give him will be one of hope and potential, not one of dismal defeat and hopelessness.
And I will teach my potential daughters that there are good men. Men she can trust. Men who have proven themselves. Men who love with the love of Jesus. Men who give appropriate touches and signs of affection. Men who will listen when she tells them what they said or did made her uncomfortable. I will also tell her there are men who don't make good choices. Men who have chosen selfishness and are driven by anger and brokenness. I will tell her that part of living in a fallen world with these broken men (and women) means making wise choices about what we wear, where we spend our time, how we interact with people, and how we treat our bodies. We can't control other people's choices, but we can control ours. Our wise choices may not stop unwanted behavior or actions or words all the time. But unfortunately that is life. I will encourage her to be open and share what she is feeling. I will advocate for her, validate her and remind her what and Who defines her. She will learn that being a victim is not her identity, and the yuckiness of life does not define her or need to break her.
I am excited--and terrified--to raise kids today. I am grateful for the hope that Christ offers. I am overwhelmed by the grace of God in my own life in the past as well as the present. I am re-invigorated to openly show and express my appreciation for the good guys out there, starting with those closest to me like my husband, dad, brothers etc... They need support and encouragement.
Will you join me?
