Retreat

A few Christmases ago, Ben's parents gifted us an overnight stay at our favorite retreat center in Wisconsin.  Circumstances and timing never quite worked out until a few weeks ago.  We have kids we can confidently leave overnight, no newborn babies, and a desperate need for some time away.  

So we retreated.  

That word always sounds like defeat or cowardice to me.  In the context of war, it is often a sign that the enemy is too strong, your forces are depleted and retreat is needed in order to keep your last soldiers alive or because you are scared.  But I guess the truth of the matter is, it isn't cowardly to see that you are overpowered and need to take a step (or a very far run) out of harms way in order to regroup, assess the damage and boost morale.  

And such is this season of life for us.  We didn't retreat because we are running or hiding from something.  It wasn't about being cowardly and not wanting to face the hard things.  It was an acknowledgement that we needed to step away.  Figuratively and literally.   Ben turned his phone off when we left and didn't turn it on until the evening after we returned.  I only used my phone for a few google searches on baby names and some rules to a game we were playing =)  

So we went.  Retreated into the beautiful wilderness of Wisconsin.  Into a little "prayer cabin" on the grounds of The Wilderness Fellowship Ministries.  Their mission is:  To provide a place of refuge, peace, restoration and hope, dedicated to help people establish intimacy with Jesus Christ and those they love.  

And it was just that for us.  We agreed ahead of time, this wasn't a place to hash out any "tabled" topics we had been avoiding.  It wasn't about seeking concrete answers or making monumental decisions.  It wasn't about hard talks, intentional learning/growing, or current events.  It was about solitude.  Being with each other.  Listening.  Praying.  

Right now, in our life, we both feel a bit unsettled.  We talked through why that might be, the causes and some possible solutions.  We mused over how to hear what God has for us...Spirit-led directives vs. selfish motives.  We shared desires and dreams, as well as apprehensions and confusion.  It felt vulnerable without being heavy.  It indicated the level of comfortableness and trust that we have.  We removed the pressure of needing answers and just let the conversation go where it naturally went.  And I credit that to the physical stepping away from life as we know it.  Work, home, kids...all things that fill our minds and prevent us from this kind of interaction on a day-to-day basis.  

And then we just enjoyed each others company.  Sat in silence, listening to the breeze in the trees.  Took a few walks through the woods.  Played so many games, laughing and enjoying some friendly competition.  We hit a minor speed bump in communication, but worked it out.  We looked at pictures of our kids.  We browsed baby names...and came up with very little.  

It was exactly what we needed.  And we didn't even know how badly we needed it until we actually just took the time to do it.  It led to emphatic agreement that this was something we need to make more regular, not only for our marriage, but for our individual selves as well.  

Ben found a quote on a plaque in the cabin that said this: 

There is a rest in God so potent that the enemy fears it.   Rest is a weapon against evil.  

(author unknown)

Amidst the turmoil of the world and our country today, with so many people calling us to step into the hard things, hard conversations and hard places...don't forget to rest.  

Settling our hearts before God, listening for His voice...it is powerful and we need not underestimate that.   

Thankful that our arsenal is refilled, our spirits bolstered and we are ready to advance back into the fray.

Kiss the Wave

I think we would all agree that our already-polarized society got even more-so since the word COVID-19 so thoroughly entered our everyday vocabulary.  As someone who studied sociology, it has been fascinating to watch it all play out.  And by fascinating, I mean in that kind of way where you know it's about to be a train wreck, but you can't tear your eyes away because you have to see what happens next.  

And as fascinating as it has been, it has been even more discouraging.  Because real people who I really care about are on opposite sides of a spectrum, feeling things quite passionately.  And with that passion comes opinions and thoughts that are deep-seated and really solidify the ways these thoughts and opinions are manifested in their daily life.  And like any deep-seated and solidified belief, there comes judgement, fear, accusation, justification and many more nasty side effects hurled at anyone who tips the scale in the other direction.  

To be honest, it has all felt yucky to me.  And I've struggled to find my footing with God in all of it.  While I can see both sides of things, I have done tons of reading, research, soul-searching and verbal processing to land in a place that feels at peace for me and my family.  (As a side note, I have to say I am so thankful to have a husband who sees things pretty much the way I do...I know many couples/families where this isn't the case.)  

And even though I've come to be more settled internally about where I land, some piece was missing still.  Most of my settling has come in the form of choices we as a family make in how we outwardly live in the midst of this pandemic.  But inwardly, I still have felt like I am balanced on the edge of a deep abyss of fear, anxiety, loss of control and panic.  As I stated in a previous blog, I am a questioner.  I love taking in information and using it to help inform my worldview and choices.  It makes me feel empowered.  But another thing I think we can all agree upon is that in this instance, the information available is anything but reliable.  

It is being updated, changed, manipulated, and withheld.  It is from biased perspectives of the medical field, economists, politicians, sensational journalists, faith leaders, your everyday story-loving Sally.  Fact checkers are out in force.  Links are being removed and debunked.  It is hard to know what is the real deal.  Some people (probably wisely) tune most of it out.  Some people narrow down their news sources to ones they feel most confident trusting and just double down on those perspectives.  Some people (like yours truly) just keep taking as much in as possible in the hopes that we can weed through it and begin categorizing it and maybe find some threads that feel truthful to grasp on to.   

Fastfoward to being two months into this mess and I finally read an article that "pinged" with me on a deeper, spiritual level.  (And I don't even want to tell you how much info I've waded through the past few months).  I've kept reminding myself that I want "faith over fear" but couldn't really tell you what that meant.  The article (which I will link here) reminded me that I have built up idols of safety and security in my life.  

*Quick disclaimer about the linked article: I don't know much about the site it is published on-this is not a plug for their perspectives or theology in general.  I don't intend this to indicate that choosing caution and following government directives is bad or wrong.  Please actually read the article and not just the title. *

Okay, back to why this convicted me.  Idolatry.  Something that I have placed at higher priority in my life than God/Christ.  We have all done it.  It is human nature.  It is the Enemy lying to us telling us, "Sure, sure, God loves you but YOU BETTER DO SOMETHING TO FIX THIS!"  Usually it is something we try to control.  Or something we feel makes our life better.  In this situation, I have been idolizing security and safety.  I don't want my life turned upside down.  I don't want to be restricted.  I don't want my health/medical choices made for me.  I want assurances that me, my kids, my husband, my unborn child and my extended family and friends will be okay.  

But this was never promised to me.  Especially as a believer.  But instead of that solidifying my faith in Christ, it has driven a wedge between us.  I have been taking in information, making practical decisions for my family and trying my darndest to escape that suffocating feeling of fear and anxiety by fixing it myself.  I have repeated "Choose faith over fear" without actually doing that myself.   I have told myself to just calm down and think logically and it will all be okay. 

The author of the above article says this, "Aside from whatever physical and emotional scars the coronavirus might leave upon the body of Christ, we can be sure that, in time, this event will produce wonderful fruit. As backwards as it may sound, Let’s welcome this reality...Let me say this as plainly as I can: Christian, COVID-19, in ways that we may not fully understand in this life, is making you mature and complete in Christ; it is for your good. "  

But this applies, not just to COVID-19, but also to anything that threatens those idols.  When that happens, do I press into Jesus?  Do I look around and keep scrambling to pick up the pieces but miss the opportunity extended to me by the Father to look to Him first and foremost?  

The author also quoted Charles Spurgeon here: 

"I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages."  

Wow.  Just go back and read it again.  Let it sink in.  That quote has been repeating like an anthem in my mind ever since I read it several days ago.  How could I possibly be grateful for these trials?  How could I be grateful for something that could cause me or my neighbor harm or death?  I'm not sure I am grateful for it in those terms.  But I want to be grateful that it is pushing me, urging me back to Jesus.  He is a lighthouse, shining his beacon in hopes that my toiling ship will seek safe harbor in Him.  I could keep cursing the waves, and miss the invitation of how this is pushing me toward Christ.  Or I could grasp the opportunity to press into him and walk through the unfolding with Him.  It is how I believe he "works all things together for good" (Romans 8:28).

Choosing faith doesn't mean blindly saying "God will take care of me, no need to do anything myself."  But it does mean reexamining those things we do to see if they have crept up to idol status and been erected in fear and with a sense of control.  

I know that as Christians (and especially as a country at large), we may never fully see eye-to-eye on how things are being handled.  We still need to make practical decisions for ourselves and our families.  That will look different.  And the tension will still exist.  But I hope that learning to kiss the wave that throws us against Jesus will be the way we can become more mature and complete in Christ--As that IS the goal of being a CHRISTian.  The results of that shift will be a church that rises up with love, grace, community, servanthood and compassion during this tumultuous time.  And I can pretty much guarantee (Well, God guarantees it-I just second it) that it will be with more astounding, and impactful results than we could ever muster from our own hearts governed by erected idols of fear-based control. 

Empowered.

So a while back, I wrote about facing my fears when it comes to speaking out when it comes to potentially touchy topics.  Today I'm going to share a few thoughts about what is driving that desire to face those fears and engage in tough conversations.

In the past year or so, I have become more passionate on people becoming more empowered.  (More on that word in a minute).  But basically I was done feeling stuck by one or more expected points of view.  Or wrestling with needing to fit a certain mold to make others comfortable, at the expense of my own personal growth and personal beliefs.  This often comes up as it pertains to me being a mom. But it is definitely applicable to basically any human in any stage of life!

Okay, to address this word.  Empowered.  It actually isn't my favorite word.  It feels too loaded and too connected to some things that don't represent who I am.  But at its core definition, it is what I'm going for.  "To give someone the power and authority to do something.  To make someone stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights."

I am a researcher.  It is who I am by nature.  I have curiosities and I pursue them.  Whether it is a search on the internet, or finding a person who I believe has knowledge on a particular topic.  Unfortunately I am also an Enneagram 9.  For those of you who may not be familiar, it is a personality assessment, and the number 9 personality is a peace maker.  I mentioned this in my last post as it pertained to me not wanting to cause tension in relationships.  In this post, being a 9 means that I understand multiple points of view and can see where people are coming from on a multitude of topics and perspectives.  This has allowed me to be friends with a myriad of people from vastly different walks of life.  But it also makes it difficult to nail down what I truly believe about something.  I can truly see all sides. I feel pulled to and fro by any well-articulated, logical perspective I stumble across. 

So instead of getting into the nitty gritties of the things I HAVE taken a more definitive side on.  I'm going to zoom out and just give you the why behind my researching, questioning ways.

NOTE: if you are not a researcher by nature, that is okay. This still applies.  In fact, maybe even more so since you might not naturally see the point of pursuing knowledge.

Knowledge is power.  It is a fairly known adage, but applies particularly well to this topic.  I believe God gave us our minds to be used.  Not to replace His role in our lives, but to help understand and interact with the world he has placed us in.  And when I talk about taking control, it isn't to imply that we have any ultimate control over our lives or the outcomes of our decisions.  Anyone who is currently existing in the world right now knows that is true.  But we still have decisions to make nonetheless.

As a human, and especially as a mom, I have had to wrestle with all the millions of decisions I do have control over every day.  And in a world with millions of perspectives, it can feel daunting.  Lots of people claim the "authority" on a topic and others follow it hook, line and sinker.  Usually because it is easier than "shopping around" for another perspective.  Many of us aren't quite willing to hear one thing and be okay with it. We like to seek second opinions on just about everything.  We want to know all the differing perspectives and weigh pros and cons and decide what works best for us.  (This is why I always find it particularly insulting when people assume I'm only a Christian because I was raised in Christian home or went to church my whole life.  As if I haven't weighed all my options...but I digress...)

The thing I have found to be empowering is being able to make those decisions for myself and my family.  And to find something that feels right to me, in my gut and my heart and before God.  (And why I use "my" in this post, assume Ben is on board...because while I am the main researcher in the family, we make the ultimate decisions together and are pretty much on the same page).

Newsflash: You don't have to do the current trend for any given parenting or lifestyle choice just because it is trending. (and if you DO choose to do a current trend, it should be because you want to).
You don't have to believe everything your favorite news source is telling you.  You don't even have to do/agree with what your doctor is telling you to do.

Now before all my medical friends and family bristle too heavily at that...hear me out.  Medical professionals have my respect and commendation at taking on a field and service that I am nowhere near qualified to.  Everyone I know who is in the medical field are hardworking, honest and amazingly brilliant people.
But like any field, it is a service.  They are a provider of a service.  And not every doctor is the same or will mesh with every patient.  And *lowers voice* there are even some shady doctors who may not have you or your family's best interest in mind.   I know, I know. Hard to believe.  Paint me cynical.

  I have a reason for this (besides my own personal not-so-great experiences with several doctors). I went into a "helping" field for work assuming we were all banding together for the betterment of children- and I had my naivete completely obliterated. I was being trained by a man who had been in the field for 25 years.  Tons of experience and supposedly a great trainer. Only to find out he regularly lied on legal documents, manipulated the futures of children based on his whims and preferences, and admitted he only was in the job so that he could have a steady government paycheck and benefits-and he was training me to follow the same practices.  I was disgusted.  But enlightened. And promptly removed myself from his training tutelage.  Every field and area of life has those kind of people.

So if your doctor doesn't jive with you and there isn't mutual respect, it's okay to find a new one.  If they don't answer your questions respectfully and empower you as an individual or parent, it's okay to find a new one.  They work for you.

If you read a blog or article or Instagram post that feels way out there, but intrigues you, feel free to entertain those ideas and pursue those curiosities.  If something makes you wonder, cringe or doesn't feel right on, that's okay too.  If your firmly held beliefs are challenged, it's okay to ponder why the challenge felt hard or made you bristle and lean into it.  And it's even better to find the reasons you hold those beliefs so strongly to begin with and defend them if they truly matter to you.   It's okay to seek wisdom and counsel from your regular go-to's.  It is okay to find someone totally new with a wildly different perspective.

This also applies when it comes to faith.  Questions and doubts aren't sinful in and of themselves and they don't scare God.  If you can truly say your entire walk with God has been question and doubt free, that is a red flag.  Faith is substance and evidence (Hebrews 11:1).  It doesn't say blind and unquestioning.  And if you read the rest of that chapter, it mentions patriarchs of faith.  Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses and others.  All of them wrestled and struggled in some intense ways.  Makes my questions like, "Hmm, I wonder if creation actually was 7 literal 24-hour days" not seem so earth-shattering, to be honest.
Asking questions can actually deepen your faith and allow God to cement in you the truths he has for you by proving his character again and again.  It has for me, anyway.

The point is, give yourself permission to ask questions, to challenge the "status-quo."  Even if it is just YOUR status-quo!

In this day and age, we are so afraid of the other point of view that we can barely even have a civil conversation that has differing opinions.  We don't even want to entertain the possibility that someone else might have a very different, yet valid point.

My challenge to you is to use the mind God gave you to ask questions, ponder different points of view, allow yourself to be stretched.  It doesn't even mean you have to change a single thing about yourself.  You might not.  But what if it does change you.  Would that be so bad?

I have eaten many an arrogantly-exclaimed statement from my pre-children years.  Things I said I would always or never do.  Humbling as it is, my ability to be flexible with what works for us has greatly helped me continue growing into the parent I want to be. (With lots of room for continued improvement, of course).  And if I'm being honest there are some of the arrogantly-exclaimed statements that I actually followed through on.  Because they were important to me, fit with our family, and felt like the right thing for us to do.  I've been working to adjust the attitude from arrogant to "this is what works for us" and "you do you, boo" without the judgement on parents who do it different.

I can guarantee that you have people in your close circles who have differing opinions and perspectives you had no idea about.  They might be too scared or timid to say something.  Scared of repercussions, reactions or just feeling uncertain themselves.  And it isn't always guaranteed that your close friends and family will give you the space to let you hold your own perspectives if it differs from theirs.

If you are that person, who gets defensive and patronizing or belittling to those who share differing opinions, consider listening with respect, pushing back with gentleness and validating what the relationship means to you despite differences.

If you are that person who is scared of alienating people close to you, I get it.  I don't always share my thoughts.  I have shared them and gotten burned.  I have shared them and been supported.  Either way, my brain is always thinking, comparing perspectives, challenging my views and adjusting my own opinions. You don't have to post all over social media or bring up your ponderings at every family/friend event.  But that also shouldn't stop you from continuing your own pursuit of knowledge or trying out a few "what are your thoughts on..." conversations to test the waters.

May you be empowered to discover who YOU are and what YOU believe.  It might mimic someone's perspective perfectly, or it might be a beautifully complex combination of all the insights you gather when you pursue your own perspectives.

So That Happened...

"That" meaning 2020.  It came charging in and hasn't really let up.  So let me start at the beginning.  Of the year, that is.

January:  Found out I was pregnant with kid #3! (More on that later)  Went on a cruise with some of my bestest girlfriends (and yes, I know cruises are practically cursed right now, but this was prior to any real US threat and was a nice reprieve from winter).  Both Asher and Toby got super sick while I was gone. Fevers, lethargy and coughs.  I never ended up taking them in to get tested for flu as Asher was over the worst of it in a few days and Toby was tapering off when I got home.  The skeptic in me keeps wondering if they had a case of the you-know-what virus.  But either way, they recovered and neither Ben or I got sick.


official announcement picture

February:  I honestly can hardly remember this month.  It was the most normal of months.  The kind of winter month I desperately miss (never thought I would say those words...) I'm seriously flipping through my planner and it's all: book club, driving job, CBS.  THE MOST NORMAL.  Okay, so there WAS a pretty swell Valentine's dinner in there.  Ben got us reservations at the Como Conservatory.  They put on a 3 course meal (including drinks) where you are seated in one of the rooms filled with greenery, life and delightful warm humidity.  We were in the "spice" room.  Lots of trees and plants that are used in cooking, medicines etc.  (Think cinnamon, cardamom, black pepper, tamarind etc...)  We were serenaded by live string music and it was utterly delightful.

nice and blurry ;)

March:  Started out equally normal.  Toby turned TWO!  Can hardly believe it.  He is SUCH a toddler now.  Besides the wispy thin hair that is quickly turning into a sketch mullet, he has dove head first into toddlerhood and it is a delight.  His vocab is exploding, with favorite phrases being:
"DON'T"  (wonder which big brother he learned that from!)
"Call Mimi n Papa!"  (he also loves addressing Grandpa Dill and Auntie Rose.  Poor Claire gets called Rose about 90% of the time)
"Watch dis Mama!"   (he thought that was the universal phrase to get an adult's attention so it's taken him a few weeks to use "daddy" or any other adult's proper label)
"I wan breh-fass Mama. Ceeeruhl n mulk!"  (see if you can decipher that one!)
"Peeeeeeeese!"  (said so adorably)
"Bess Yuuuu!"  (Whenever you sneeze in his presence) 
"Eye-Broooooowwwwwssss"  (said just that dramatically)

And so many more.  Trains and construction/semi trucks are his all-time favorite. He totes around three books all. day. long.  His Thomas train book and the two construction site books (Goodnight, Goodnight and Mighty, Mighty).  He is feisty, snuggly, loves all the stuffed animals and gives the most charming grins.

March was supposed to be booked full, especially the end of the month.  Wedding, reception, bachelorette party, bridal shower, communion, potluck, Easter program.  And while we did still attend the wedding, everything after that has been cancelled.  Life came to a grinding halt.  While still moving forward in a confusingly steady way.

We went to visit my brother and his wife and kids.  It was a great/chaotic time of family togetherness. Navigating the first days of the lockdown lifestyle, enjoying catching up late into the night, watching our kids fight figure out how to be good cousins to each other.  It was fun, and definitely a little crazy.

It has been a tough season for me.  I am an extrovert.  I thrive on plans and looking forward to things.  The grief of mourning "life as I knew it" is a strange thing when, in reality, our lives are unaffected in many of the significant ways.  We are healthy.  We have a home.  Ben is still working and so our finances aren't really impacted at all.  Technology to keep us as connected as possible.  So I've been trying to hold space for the "feeling blessed" and the "feeling disappointed and frustrated."
On top of that, a childhood friend of mine passed away last night from complications following the birth of her first baby.  I cannot imagine the pain and hurt her family is experiencing right now.  And so it adds a new perspective and a new challenge of holding all the feels in tension.  Feeling like I can't possibly complain since my reality is nowhere near this painful.  And still wrestling with my reality and how it is affecting me.

This week we were supposed to fly to California for two weeks.  We haven't been in my home church for Easter in a while and I was SO looking forward to the sweet traditions I grew up with and sharing that with my boys.  I was going to celebrate my 31st birthday there, catch up with friends and family.  Bask in the sunlight.  And to be honest, I'm really MAD.  Even thinking about it now makes me want to just cry and throw a mini tantrum.  Makes me realize I can relate to my 4-year-old a little better now.  Except he actually just gives in to the feeling and throws the tantrum.  But my plans were forcibly changed.  I don't like it.

The worst part for me is this feeling like I have nothing to look forward to.  Sure there will be an end to this. But no one knows when.  Will my beloved summer be spent indoors or in our tiny back yard?  The short time of year that breathes life back into me so I am prepared for another winter?  I'm trying to zoom in. Look forward to smaller things.  Ben coming home this evening.  Playing with the boys in the backyard and roasting marshmallows.  Zoom meetings with friends and family.  My anatomy scan and finding out if baby is a boy or a girl.  All things I can look forward to amidst the great unknown.

Thanks for hearing me out.  It's still not all straight in my head or my heart.  But writing it out definitely helps.

Speaking of baby stuff, I'll answer a few of the FAQs.

How far along are you/when are you due?  I am 15 weeks tomorrow!  YAY FOR SECOND TRIMESTER!  Due near the end of September.
How are you feeling? SO much better than I was.  I had never really experienced nausea with my first two and this one is WAY different (baby girl maybe?!)  But I'm finally over the constant stomach lurching, sensitive gag reflexing and utterly exhausting portion.
How are you all doing with the anticipation of #3?  We are excited!  Asher is super excited and has decided it is a baby sister who we will name "Grace."  (not our current girl-name choice...)  I think right now it is hard to picture life with a third, especially during this uncertainty.  It is easy to forget I'm pregnant right now.  Not feeling any movement really, not sick, and aside from a bit of tummy growth, not much by way of pregnancy indicators.
Are you still in your same house? Any plans to move?  Yes we are in our same *cozy* house.  Moving plans are contingent on a few things.  Housing market, availability in our current neighborhood (or somewhere close), if we are keeping our current house as a rental or selling it.  We are pretty content for right now.  We love our house, even though we are soon to outgrow it.  And yes, as long as we are here, all the kids will be in one bedroom.  But hey, it's been done before!  Me and my two older brothers shared a room until I was 3 and while my parents added on to their house.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

Okay, a few pics then I'm done, promise =)

He's TWO!

And he looooves Grandpa D's semis 

Out for a walk on a gorgous 60 degree day!

Loving the strider bike!

Any opportunity to drink anything of mine 

Playing with cousin Reese!

Last official "Outing" to a public place before alllll the things shut down. 

Silly face coasters

Love my big boy!