thick skull <---its what I have

Have you ever had the feeling that you are being purposefully stubborn, even though you know you're wrong. Like trying to win an argument where you're saying that World War 2 never happened.

but not like that at all.

I know in my head that I can make better decisions, that I am smarter. I have people telling me, "Suzy...come on." I can feel the distance between me and God. I don't like it. But somehow the trade-off felt worth it in the moment. It was harmless enough.

or so I thought.

I ignored all the warning signs...cuz i was stubborn. I knew i was right. even though in my deepest of hearts, I knew that was a lie. I didn't have the strength to just stop it. I was being lazy. And the distance from God didn't help.

I mean, don't get me wrong, its not like me and God were on bad terms...He's been more than amazing, and on my side, and faithful. It was me. i just wasn't connecting like i could have. Like a best friend who moves...sure you're still friends, but the daily walk through the mundane things of life is no longer shared, putting in an inevitable distance. Thats like me and God were. Only I was the one who moved.

So then He, in his faithfulness, decided this was enough. he could see me hurting myself. I was taking a knitting needle and repeatedly jabbing it into my arm saying, "but its ok! and its fun! I know I'll probably regret it, but thats later, right now its sort of cool." and He just looks at me with a deep sadness, knowing that even in the moment, I'm not really having fun. not really.

(Let me insert that I know you probably think i did something incredibly drastic. I didn't. But this also is emphasizing how even the smallest, most "insignificant" lies can be just as damaging as the more obvious ones.)

God sees me. Sees the ridiculous situation I'm in. and decides that He's gonna give me a clear sign. He had a decision to make...I mean, he gave me godly parents who taught me. He gave me friends who told me. He gave me the Spirit to remind me. And so far, i had shut them all out. So he decides to intervene. Because he knows that somewhere from inside of me, I am calling out. I want help. I just don't know how to ask. It reminds me that he promised the Spirit and Christ for times just like this. to intervene on my behalf. To cry out to God for me when I am too proud or ashamed or speechless to do it myself.

And he couldn't have been more clear. He provided strength when I wasn't able to do it myself. you have to understand that I consider myself a pretty strong person. At least I did. but I was reminded of my utter broken humanity. looking back I laugh.

and I cry.

How did this happen? After a sleepless night (and just fyi, i NEVER have sleepless nights. no exaggeration), I knew that the unsettling in my soul was specifically sent by God. a follow up to his obvious sign. Just to make sure that I didn't mis-read it. or try to justify. or make excuses. Cuz i'm so good at that. And if that wasn't enough, a verse posted by my roommate boldly, unknowingly, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 cor. 10:13) He was providing my escape. How could I turn away? I had to trust him...that he knew I was in trouble.

So I did.

And now comes the healing. the building of burned bridges with God. The restoration of a broken heart that comes from abandoning a True Love. the receiving of forgiveness for where I've gone wrong. And the letting go of guilt...because that is just the Enemy feeling desperate because his mission failed. He had me...i was listening to his voice, not my Father's. And now I'm gone. I've turned and run. and the loss is big for him. So he swings on the pendulum with me and brings guilt, shame and self-contempt.

But i will not listen.

I am loved.

I am forgiven.

I will now walk worthy.