the reality of life.

Sometimes I feel like all my posts lately are surfacy update posts.  Pictures, captions...general things.  And sometimes it doesn't feel like a fair representation of my life.  I mean, sure, those pictures and captions are part of my life...but there's more than that.  So here are some thoughts i've had over the past few days.  Disjointed, unedited, unorganized...but they are real. 

You may have noticed a few times in my last few posts some mention of the cold weather, etc.  And I am thankful that my sweet husband, who reads all of these posts, is so understanding of this struggle for me and doesn't ever tell me to "just get over it."  

But...

i experienced a moment the other night that made me realize that I actually may have a favorite piece about winter.  I was driving down Hiawatha (a large road/highway by our house) in my *warm* truck.  Snow and slush crunched and swirled around the tires while little flurries whimsically floated around outside.   Headlights and brake lights blinked and winked as we slowly made our way toward downtown Minneapolis.  Up ahead, the high rises with the occasionally illuminated offices loomed like spotted beacons.  Steam rose from the manholes and drains by the side of the road, adding a smoke-machine effect and making this moment seem like it came straight from a movie.  I had soft music playing in the background...and in that moment, I loved winter.  And I wanted to drive forever.   

but you want to hear the honest truth?  I'm afraid that if I like any aspect of winter, I'll lose some part of me that is, in my heart of hearts, a California girl.   I already feel like I am losing the ability to legitimately call myself a Californian.  And yet, I don't feel like a true Minnesotan.  

and if i'm neither...then who will I be?

 I'm afraid to be too content.  Maybe God will have me stay here forever if I actually can say I enjoy it pieces of it.  Maybe he'll forget how much I love California...and maybe I will too.

 I know that's not how God works.  I know it is silly to care so much about where I live and to identify so strongly with it.  I know that in a time of Skype, snapchat, texting, phone calls and airplanes, it really shouldn't be this difficult.

 but it is still a real, even if misguided, fear of mine.

I want to be rid of it.

I want to be where God has called me, not look back and not look forward (in a discontent way).

There is something about "downtown" that I love so much.  It is so....city.  and i am such a city girl.  The moments are often when I thank God for allowing me to live in a city...even one as deathly cold as this one.  

I thank him that the man I married also loves the city.

There is something about knowing that so many things are happening all around...even if I am merely an onlooker and not really a part of them. 

There is something about lights at night...so many lights. glinting, winking, shining...somehow it speaks to a place deep inside me and says, "this is where you were meant to be...among the lights, the people."

Oh the people.  God has been teaching me so many lessons about the people.  Difficult people.  Or should I put that in quotes?  Are they really difficult?  Or does my personality just rub the wrong way with theirs.  God made them the way they are, right?  And because of the fall, not everyone gets along hunky-dory.  But who's fault is it? 

Recently I have decided that it is better to expend the energy in making an effort to connect with "difficult" people than it is to be continually put-off by them.  Somehow being constantly annoyed at people just makes me more miserable.  And honestly, since I've made the effort to get to know these people, they are much more pleasant to be around.  Do I agree with all their work/life practices?  Not necessarily.  Are they egotistical, self-centered and lazy?  Probably...but then again, so am I sometimes. 

And they are real people.  Created in God's image.  With stories, families, backgrounds, messes, growth and everything else that I have too.  

But I must confess something.  When another friend or coworker that i naturally get along with well starts complaining about said difficult people...I tend to commiserate and compare notes and...well...complain too.

Maybe I just don't want them knowing that I actually don't mind the difficult person.  

Maybe I want their approval...as if disliking the same person makes me a worthwhile friend.
Maybe I just want them to feel like they can trust me and open up and that I can understand what they are feeling.

I DON'T KNOW!  

All I know is that sometimes I feel two-faced.  Or hypocritical.  

I asked God for the grace to accept these difficult people.  To see them as he sees them.  And he actually gave it to me. (I shouldn't be surprised at that...)

But then here I am, being all middle-school and talking behind someone's back.

*sigh* 

I suppose this means I'm still a work in progress.

If you have any advice, or wisdom, or can relate in any way...feel free to let me know. 

Well there are some of my other thoughts.   Sorry if it was too much.  But these are probably things I'd tell you if we were sitting around sipping coffee, catching up...things I have little time for these days.

And if you were wondering how you could pray for me? these are two good places to start. 

=)

Thanks for hearing me out...even if I don't know you that well.