The Latest

Well blog-consuming world, here is the latest.  

I have been doing a Bible study with some ladies from church around the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  It is a really good, convicting book.  Lately it has prompted thoughts to stir in my heart and mind around the concept of this world is not my home.  I think I have always known that...even believed it...but it hasn't really sunk in.  As I still continue to battle the emotions and feelings of identifying a place that feels like home, I have come to realize that maybe I'm struggling too hard.   Maybe this is the lesson God has for me right now.  That maybe I inability to call where I am home, with finality and confidence, is because it isn't my home.  

This is so hard for me.  It tears at me.   I know what feels comfortable to me and I want THAT.  But it brings me to a crossroads, where I must choose.  Am I fully in love with Jesus, desiring relationship, acknowledging his majesty, realizing his grace, longing for my home with Him...?  Or am I willing to let this be home, as long as I have what I need and want?  If eternity could be in my favorite earthly location and with my favorite people doing my favorite things, with my favorite sights, sounds, smells without Jesus, would I be okay with that?  

My Christianized self says, "Of COURSE not, don't be ridiculous!"  But a little voice inside me pricks me saying, "But isn't that what you keep seeking after here?  Is Jesus really top priority, or is feeling comfortable and 'at home' your daily goal."  

And boy is it convicting.  In fact it brings tears to my eyes to think about how me-oriented my view has been.  How I have been trying to invite Jesus into my picture of how life should be, instead of humbling myself enough to see how I fit into His picture.  It is so easy to get tunnel vision, because I have no idea how to picture my future, eternal home.  I can picture earth home...and what that kind of comfortable feels and looks like.  But it is hard to long for something I don't know how to long for because I have never seen it or experienced it.  

So my prayer lately has been to really let go of my idea of  "home."  To allow home to be beyond here and now, even if I can't picture it.  To fall so in love with Jesus that I long to go be with Him, and cannot imagine now or eternity without him.  

Now, on to other updates.  Actually, nevermind.  You'll have to wait for my Christmas letter for that.  I'll just include some pictures, because you can never have too many of those. 

This actually isn't as bad as it has been, but see the kibbles of dog food on the floor?  Well Sierra decided to get picky about the kind of food she eats after getting sick from some medication she had (for Lyme Disease) and vomiting her food a lot.  For several days, she was refusing to eat her normal food (we had just bought a 40 lb bag) and so we bought a smaller bag of another kind to mix with it.  Unfortunately we have a really smart dog, and she would take a mouthful of food, and spit out the old kibbles and eat the new ones, leaving semi-soggy bits of dog food all over the floor.  *sigh* 

Fede turned 20 while he was here in the Twin Cities!  we had a fun time celebrating with him!

my MIL gets a CSA box and last month had a LOT of root vegetables.  They were so pretty though.  

Went to a Fiber Fair and they had so much...well, fiber.  I got a super soft and warm Angora Wool ear warmer.  But I loved looking at the tables of yarn.  I wish I knitted or crocheted...

This little beauty is growing every day.  And her smiles are so contagious!

As are this one's.  I am really blessed with such beautiful neices (and nephews) on both sides!

Back to the dog.  She has been doing pretty good roaming free during the work day, but if I come home, and then leave again to go grocery shopping or something, she lets me know just how bummed that makes her.  The last few times, she has opened drawers, cupboards, and pulled things off counters.  Destroyed a lot of stuff in less than an hour.  This is her in her shame corner after we got home and saw the mess.  She now relegates her self there, when she knows she's been naughty.  

Speaking of naughty.  on one of those days when she opened the cupboard under the sink, she pulled out a bottle of dish soap, chewed the cap, and left it on the carpet.  1/3 of the bottle leaked into a nice little pile on the rug.  

Let me just say, soap is not easy to get out of a rug.  Especially 1/3 of the bottle.  We had buckets of suds we got up.  Til we got wise and went out to buy a little wet/dry vac.  Still took forever.  

Didn't realize it would suds out of the vac, so before we got wise and put the whole thing in a trash bag, it got all over.  

The only downfall to a dog making messes and not kiddos, is that they can't learn their lesson by helping to clean it up.  

This made me and the social studies teacher chuckle.  All the 1st graders were told to write what they wanted to be when they grew up, and draw a picture of it.  This kid said he wanted to work at our school...and this is what it apparently looks like.  

Some days, that is most definitely what it feels like to work at our school!  

=) 

For Thanksgiving dinner, I was in charge of the salad, so I decided on an inspiration from Ben and I's favorite Russian restaurant.  

Mixed greens, wine-poached pears, goat cheese and I added some candied pecans and shaved fennel. 

This pear had a cute smiley face on it!

Our Turkey.  22 pounder.  Grilled.  I have never had a grilled turkey.  But it was yummy!

Our lovely table...we had such a fun and diverse group!

Fascinating that iPhone only has a temperature warning for too-hot...I can guarantee that my phone's problem was not being in danger of melting.  

Christmas tree shopping with my SIL, Rose. 

She loves the cute little ones. 

Our cute little one.  Still have to get ornaments, but it is still really nice. 

It is always a treat when these five get together and sing.  It isn't as often any more due to kids in college, and busy lives...But they are wonderful.

In case you think our dog is only a terror...here is a cute picture of her waiting for Ben, who was skyping a friend in our room.  She really is sweet and loyal. 

My view during the school day.  The teacher I work for and two of our students. 

my little buddy actually working!  Yay!! this is a pleasant view that doesn't always last very long, but makes my heart happy when it does happen.  

my morning starts off with this little lady...doing a movement break.  Sometimes a 15 minute chunk of free movement is all a kid needs to help keep their bodies calm.  We bounce, run relay laps, do hula-hooping, balance beam, and stretches/cartwheels.

Today I walked through the cemetery.  And no matter what time of year, it is beautiful, peaceful and just what I need sometimes at the end of a long day.  

Thanking the Lord for this temporary home, and fixing my eyes and heart on my eternal home.  

au revoir. 

recap. pictures. enjoy.

Hello world.  I'm back.  sorry for the long absence.  It has been an unpredictable few months...(ALMOST TWO since I last posted).  

At the gentle urging of my dear father, I am back.  carving out time in my evening to write.  You might think that it shouldn't be that hard.  And it isn't.  

But my school year is full of ups and downs, and most of my evenings these days are spent recovering and spending much needed time with Ben or being with friends/family. 

Since it isn't fair to write about things without updates and photos, I shall give you those first. 

Updates: 

Not much is new.  Except our dog has Lyme's disease, I am getting over a very small case of ringworm and the weather is getting colder. 

To answer your questions:

No, the dog is not dying.  Although her medication is making her lose her appetite. and if we give her her pills on an empty stomach, she vomits.  lose, lose.  

And she became a Houdini and has escaped her latched crate multiple times now and we can't figure out how.  So she has become an unkenneled dog.  And is doing quite well.   We were hesitant, given how she did last time (not well).  She DID sleep on the couch the other day, but my coworker recommended tinfoil as a deterrent.  And it works.  

My ringworm.  I was delighed to find out it is only a fungal infection, and not an actual worm.  You'd think they'd change the name.  It is equivelant to athlete's foot...just on my arm.  

No one could figure out how I got it on my upper arm, as it needs skin-to-skin contact (most likely from one of my students) and I have been wearing long sleeves.  

I had thought it was a spider bite because it started out looking like that. Come to find out, it most likely WAS a spider bite which I scratched with fingers that probably held the hand of a kid who had ringworm.  As you can imagine, I have become a hand-washing fiend. 

Sorry, you probably didn't need to know all of that... but I thought I'd share it anyway. 

As for the weather...I don't need to say much more besides that it is getting colder by the day and I am learning to find other things I'm grateful for, since walking outside is ceasing to be one of them...

Anyway...on to pictures!! 

We went to my friend Tanya's family's berry farm, like we do pretty much every year.  

Karlina and Ender finally got to ride the ponies.  They were so delighted.

oops. Out of order picture.  My friend Andrea (dark hair in the middle) moved to Texas at the end of September.  As one of our fun last outings, we went to Valley Fair (the Knott's or Six Flags of MN).  It was so much fun!!  And I discovered (don't know how this didn't come up sooner)  that my husband LOVES roller coasters!  so we had a blast!

Back to Ender riding the pony.  

Loved this moment from our Sunday School Picnic.  

One of our favorite things to do is walk through the cemetary across the road from our house.  It is fenced, and we let the dog off the leash and she runs and we enjoy the peace and the interesting names and old dates.  It has beautiful monuments that mark generations of families. 

We found this near the very back of the cemetary...under this large monument were smaller gravestones marked with each soldier, their title and the date they died.  

Speaking of our home...this is it.  It is a duplex, and the other tenant lives upstairs.  She has her own entrance in the back of the house, and we have our own portions of yard, garage and driveway too.  It has worked out really well. 

This little lady is such a sweetheart.  Entering the fun stage where she makes faces and smiles and coos and giggles. 

This was when she was still pretty young... We got to babysit and Ben fed her.  He's a natural

He is so good with kids in general. 

It was a gorgeous evening 

This one gets her grumpy face every once in a while...gotta tickle her and get her to snap out of it.  

ISN'T SHE SO CUTE!?  

This picture so makes my heart happy.  I love down town pictures.  Especially on gorgeous, crystal-clear days. 

Ok, this is totally weird to me, but supposedly its a thing.  Carved animals out of old trees?  I find it so strange and kind of creepy that there is a giant wooden rabbit on somebody's front lawn.  

This is one of the students I've been working with the most.  He is so funny. 

At a Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra performance

We felt so grown up...decided we are going to keep going to encourage ourselves to be mature and classy.  It seems like something mature and classy people do. 

Little sweetie.

FINALLY got to meet our other nieces and nephew!  My brother John and his wife, Amy are fostering several kiddos.   L is the same age as Karlina and J is pretty much the same age as Ender.  And boy are they swell kids. 

They LOVE Uncle Ben.  

It is so cute to see Little J look up to John.  And John is an amazing daddy.  

Shout out to Amy too for her fantastic mothering skills.  They both are a really good team and provide a loving home with lots of boundaries and hugs and laughs for these kids who come from a home with lots of instability.  

It is really great to watch their little (not-so-little) family interact.  

Since it was near their birthdays when we went, we had birthday night and everyone got presents.  Super fun to be the Auntie to even more cute kiddos! 

Such a buddy 

And there they are...waving us off.  Miss them lots! 

So there is some of what has been going on the past few weeks/months.  I will work on keeping things updated...and maybe even write an inspirational post now and then ;)  

Until then...au revoir.  And if you live anywhere near me...keep warm!  

grace for today.

For those of you who don't know, I am back at the Elementary school as a Special Ed Teaching Assistant (Para) under the EBD (Emotional Behavioral Disability) Teacher.  I work one-on-one with two students (another Para and I switch off halfway through the day.)  One of the students I worked with at the end of last school year, and the other is new to me.  The last few weeks were a learning curve for all of us...but God has reaffirmed to me that this is where I am meant to be...and I love it.  I thought helping teens was my strong-suit...but there is a stronger element of hope that comes with working with younger kids. 

  

Some thoughts scrawled hastily on a few sheets of notebook paper during a much-needed break last week.  

Sometimes I feel like I am part of a team that can save the world.  One small victory in our day must mean we are invincible.  We worked so hard to get here. 

And then I am suddenly aware of all the others.  The ones who didn't have victories.  The ones who don't really have anyone to believe they can succeed.

In that moment, I can no longer save the world.  Our one small victory is like a single drop in the ocean of hurting children.  

My building only has about 700 of those drops.  Did you know it takes almost 5,000 drops to fill one cup.  How many cups are in that ocean?  

Now my heart is heavy.  

This is my job...but the line between job and my passion for these kids is blurring.  I care.  A lot.  It is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. 

 Every morning I wake up with hope and a prayer that today will be the day.

The day we turn a corner.  The corner doesn't have to be big.  It rarely is.  I have to remind myself I can't always look at the big picture.  Sometimes I have to zoom in really close so each positive choice, no matter how small, is celebrated. 

An instruction followed without argument. 

A game lost without a tantrum. 

All assignments for the day finished. 

A whole book finished, even though it took twice as long as "normal."  

A 2-minute conversation with a peer on the playground without threatening physical harm.  

This. Is. Progress. 

And I would miss it if my focus was on the big picture goal of making him a "normal functioning 4th grade student."  Sure, that is what we would like the outcome to be, but we can't lose sight of these HUGE (though seemingly small) daily accomplishments.  

He may never be "normal" (whatever that is).  But that is what makes him unique.  I just hope the world will recognize that.  Too bad the world doesn't tend to handle "different" very well.  

The thing is...my attention can't just be on the ones with maladaptive behavior.  That is the temptation.  To only focus on my one or two kids.  But I can't do that.  I can't walk by the faces of so many others.  I have to come to school with an unending supply of high-fives, hugs, smiles and a memory that can recall names at a moments notice.  

I pray each touch I give is infused with the love of Jesus.  That his love envelops them through my arms.  That their brokenness is somehow soothed, if just for that brief moment.  

Because the other 699 kids need love and someone to believe in them, remember their name, notice how they are doing...even if they don't have an IEP.  

So that is how my job description has gone from one-on-one to one-on-a bunch.  Taking an interest.  Caring enough to acknoweldge the unnoticed.  And often it is the best-behaved children that get neglected.  

I love the smiles I can draw out of the tough ones.  They try so hard to be cool...but at the last second, they give in to their kid-self and let that full grin out.  Their sheer delight at being remembered.  Mattering to someone for who they are, not just for filling a chair in the classroom. 

Oh how I love this opportunity I have been given.  To tell a downcast kid that they aren't dumb.  That they can do better.  To notice someone's new braids, and another's new Jordans. 

I cannot describe the feeling of reading with a kid who is trying so hard to sound out the words in front of him as quietly as possible...his eyes focused on the page, his mouth working to form a word.  As he says the final result out loud, he looks up...his eyes intently searching mine, willing me to give my approval. That moment is crucial.  He is reading my look, and he won't miss a thing.  I give him a grin and acknowledge how well he sounded it out.  He quickly looks down at the page to continue reading, but not before I catch the satisfied look of self-confidence settle over his features.  

This exchange takes place in a matter of seconds, but it is one that I love and I look forward to every day.  

Oh but that doesn't happen every day.  And sometimes I get discouraged.  My well seems to be running dry.  My hope starts to wane.  I just want to give up because there is no way to help them all. 

Until that Still Small Voice whispers, "One plants, another waters...I have placed you here for this season, to do the work I have for you.  You may never see the result of your long days...but trust me, it is making a difference.  Trust me.  Never underestimate what I can do in and through you."

Thank you, Lord. 

I thank God every day for enough grace for today.  Tomorrow isn't here yet...but I know when it comes, He'll give me enough for that too.  

It is the only thing I can credit for the patience, love and support I feel for these kids.

And that is all I can really ask for.

Sorry my thoughts are kind of scattered.  I just had some things I needed to write down and process.  I shared them on here in hopes that maybe those of you who don't understand what I do might get it a little bit.  And I also know there are those who know exactly what I'm going through.  Any advice, experiences or stories you want to share?  I'd love to hear it. 

  

Baby Days!

Being an Auntie never gets old.  

As we anticipated the arrival of baby #3 for J&K, it was mentioned several times how it is so hard to imagine how another kid fits into their family (and our extended family).  We felt the same way when Ender was born.  You just can't picture it.  

And yet they just belong.  As soon as they arrive, they have their place and all the sudden you can't imagine life without them.  

Baby girl arrived while Ben and I were on vacation. Awesome.  

We woke up to a text that *she* had arrived. 

(we didn't know the gender...so it was SO FUN to find out). 

This was her first picture: 

Aeslyn Mae

(For those of you wondering the pronunciation...the trick is to not overthink it.  It is said how it looks.  Ace-Lyn.  Long "A" and soft "S."

she is as beautiful, unique and exquisite as her name.

Hospital shot...had to tide us over until we could see more later. 

My first time meeting Aeslyn.  She had so much dark hair like Ender. 

Such a wrinkly, pink, super soft lil' girl. 

Got her eyes open (my goodness she sleeps alot).  And like her siblings, those eyes are a deep, dark brown that you can just get lost in. 

The other kiddos were visiting Krissa's parents in Iowa and so when I went over to meet Aeslyn and hang out, we decided to walk to Panera a few blocks away.  On our way back, we got caught in a torrential downpour.  The kind like in the movies where it starts out with a few drops and quickly turns into a deluge.  When we were at their street, a nice lady offered to give us a ride...but we were practically there.  

My beautiful sister-in-law who kept Aeslyn suprisingly dry. 

It was one of those "First" memories that we'll always remember.  

First outing...got poured on.   Glad I was there for it!

I went back to their house Monday evening when Jim had a late meeting to help with evening routine.  I got a great mix of playing with Karlina and Ender AND holding sweet Aeslyn while Krissa gave the older two some much needed Mommy time. 

caught some epic facial expressions. 

pre-yawn. 

content look...there may have been some super rank gas flowing at this point. 

post-gas mockery.  It really stank.  I think she knew it.  

Biiiiiiig yawn.  I could stare at her forever.  

Two of my favorite lil' girls.  Oh how I love them.

(and yes, for those of you who are hyper-observant...I did have something green stuck in my teeth.  figured I'd just get that out there so there isn't any awkwardness...)

Big sister LOVING her role.  She is a really great age to "help" and understand more of what is going on.  

These three.  Oh how they light up my life.  

I am so blessed to be their Auntie and to spend as much time with them as I have.  Their hugs and kisses for me, their exuberance and joy for life, their tender (ish) care for each other...all of it is so sweet and I cherish every moment with them. 

As many ups and downs as I have had on my adventure to Minnesota...I am forever grateful to you, Jim and Krissa.  Your invitation to come and care for your kiddos changed my life and I wouldn't change a thing.  

So, welcome to the world, baby Aeslyn.  

I pray that as you grow up, you realize how incredibly loved you are. 

Not only by your amazing Daddy and Mommy, but your siblings, your Auntie and all your family and friends...and especially by your Heavenly Father who knit you together, so wonderfully.