Embracing the Unexpected.

We got some not so fabulous news yesterday.  Our landlord finally sold the duplex we are living in (which we knew was going to happen eventually).  We had been reassured that more than likely the new owner would probably be glad to have renters in it and so we wouldn't have to move.  Well they were wrong.  New owner apparently wants to live in our unit while renting out the upstairs unit.  And we have to be out by January 6.  To add to that, we will be gone about 2 weeks this month, leaving very little time to find a new place, pack up and move.  More than the actual having to move, we were a bit frustrated with the timing...holiday time just plain isn't convenient.  This stirs up so much in me.  I know that God will take care of us.  But I have lots of feelings that are running wild.  

We are settled here.  I have come to really enjoy and appreciate that.  We just got Asher's little space all situated and it works well.  

What will it mean if we don't find a house right away.  What if we don't find a deal as financially good as this one.  If we stay with family for a little while while we look, it will mean not feeling settled in my own home using my own things.  How long until I sleep in my own bed again?  Use my own dishes?  Cook with my own spices?  

It will mean NEW routine just after I got established in this one.  

It is exciting because it could mean exciting new things.  But I was okay without exciting.  I was okay just having life be.  

I keep looking around and thinking these are the last days enjoying this house.  I get so dramatic with my lasts.  

I want to enjoy my time in CA without worrying about all of this.  Packing seems so insurmountable.  I am overwhelmed just at the thought.  After this, we will have lived in 3 places in 2.5 years of marriage.  It is definitely upending what my idea of "home" is.  And I confess I didn't want it challenged, messed with or redefined anymore.  

People have said how parenting exposes how selfish they truly are?  Well in my experience so far, this is exposing far more of my selfish thoughts and feelings than parenting.

  I feel like a petulant 5-year-old: all I want to do is sit down, cross my arms over my chest and cry about how I just don't want to do it, and they can't make me.  

Embarrassing...but kind of what I'm struggling with. 

*deep breath*

Lord, I give these selfish thoughts to you.  I know they are all about me and my comfort and convenience.  Thank you for holding everything in your hands so that as I work through letting this go, I can trust you will handle it.  Thank you for your patience as I struggle to translate my head knowledge of your provision into heart trusting.  I am grateful that we have such a strong support network.  People who have already offered their rooms for us to sleep in, their time and labor to help with packing or watching Asher, their prayers and encouragement.  It is undeserved given my inner-most thoughts.  Thank you for Ben, because I don't know what I would do without him. 

Actually I do.  I would be a basket case. 

I choose in this moment (as I will need to keep choosing in future moments) to trust you, to keep on moving forward, to be grateful that we have had a home and will have another roof over our heads, even if it looks different than we expected.  

Amen

Life These Days

So much has happened the last few weeks, it may be hard to contain it all in one post.  But maybe if I do bullet points, it will help. 

1.  

Winter is here.  ish.  Not really traditional Minnesota winter. We have had our first [sticking] snow.  It graced us on Thanksgiving day and was beautiful.  The weather has been surprisingly mild.  I love it because it hasn't dipped much below freezing during the days.  It is not Ben's favorite because it is damp and slushy and he prefers the crisp dryness of really cold weather.  After 4 years, I get where he is coming from, but I still am grateful that I only have to pull on a sweatshirt and slip into moccasins in the morning to take the dog out.  

2.  

Asher is growing by leaps and bounds!  He will be 2 months on Friday!  

*He is smiling and "talking" to us in response to our smiles and talking

*His neck, leg and arm muscles are so strong! He loves "standing" with our help

*He is around 10 lbs and is comfortably fitting into 3 month clothes

*Bathtime remains his all-time favorite and even just turning on the water will calm him down immediately

*He is still a snuggler and while he would prefer to sleep in someone's arms, he is learning to do naps solo.  

*Is down to 1 feeding a night.  Generally around 4:30.  Grateful he is a good sleeper right now. 

Morning talks

Meeting Great-Great Uncle Richard

Meeting Cousin Karlina!  She was so good with him! 

"I am very good at holding babies, Auntie!" 

So true, honey. 

He loves being in his sling.  Curled up in a ball and watching the world go by.

Meeting Violet (Girl I nannied this summer).  She also did superbly with him!  

Daddy Time! 

Asher loved meeting and hanging out with Uncle Jim.  It was so sweet to watch them bond a little. 

Yay for tummy time!  

He isn't sure he likes being the most adorable Christmas gift of all time (note the bow on the side of his head)

And then there is this face.  I could look at it all day.  I DO look at it all day.  And I love it.  

I was about to apologize for posting so many baby pictures.  But I'm not sorry.  I often read other people's blog posts about their babies and I don't ever get tired of looking at their pictures and sometimes wish there were more!

3.

  Thanksgiving!!  This year we combined the holidays.  Ben's sister Meg is expecting her baby right around Christmas so they came up here from IL and we celebrated Christmas with Thanksgiving.  

Also during Thanksgiving week we had a special and unique dinner we prepared in honor of the Foreign Exchange student living with Ben's parents this year.  He is from Senegal, and his name is Chico. 

The following are pictures from the past week. 

Four generations represented here!  

Claire had her senior recital...it was beautiful, she was beautiful and it was really neat to witness it! 

Chico and Dale frying the whole fishes! 

there they are!  Once you get past the awkward eye contact with cloudy fish eyeballs, it wasn't so bad! 

It was served with this rice and vegetable dish.  Very tasty. 

We all sat around and ate familiy style off of the platters.  The meal consisted of rice, vegetables and fish, with tea and fruit for dessert.  We also ate at 8 pm, which is the earliest the people eat dinner in Senegal.  If Chico had his way, we would have eaten at 10 pm but we convinced him to do it a little earlier.   We ate with utensils, but he also taught us how to make rice balls with our fingers and eat it that way.  Before dinner he gave us a presentation of his country.  Very informative and interesting!  It has been neat to get to know him...and we have him here until the end of the school year! 

On the day before Thanksgiving, we went to Feed My Starving Children as a whole family.  (Except Mama D.  She so sweetly stayed behind to watch the kiddos who were too young to go.)

Ben and Maria were a fabulous box packing team!  Maria took her job very seriously and did it very efficiently. 

Rose and I looking spiffy in our hairnets. 

Uncle Ben being great with his nieces.  

Love capturing moments like this. 

Crazy family photo after we celebrated Christmas.  There are so many of us...by next year we may not fit on that couch!  

Girls! plus Asher.  

4.  

Life is full of ups and downs.  Wildly unexpected, frustratingly reliably predictable and everything inbetween.  So many things that continually turn me back to the Father for reassurance and hope.  There are pieces of this season in life that are really hard.  Feelings and emotions and thoughts that I don't know quite what to do with.  

But I also have these overwhelmingly peaceful moments of being totally content.  God's hand is in this.  His love and care for me and my family is abundant.  

"From the rising of the sun, to the place where it sets, the Name of the Lord is to be praised.  The Lord is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens."

We Are Structurified!

One of the *many* things I have learned about myself is that I do not handle unstructured free time well.  This has been the case for as long as I can remember.  And contrary to what I previously thought, I have not grown out of it.  

In the past, the night before a day off was filled with excitement and anticipation.  No time to wake up, no obligations, no one to see, nothing to do...it was magical.  Until I slept in until 10:30, kind of ate lunch, binged on netflix, putzed around and found myself at the end of the day feeling really dissatisfied and a bit unsettled and generally moody.   

Why did this keep happening?  Days off were supposed to be the wind beneath my wings!  The respit from a busy and stressful life!  But instead I felt like I had wasted my time, accomplished nothing and kind of felt like a slob.  

So, armed with this discovery, I have faced this new season of my life as a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  Initially, I had that same excitement of feeling totally unobligated to anything or anyone besides the task of keeping the baby alive.  That excitement was followed by the weight of knowledge.   I knew that I could not allow my days to slip by without structure of some kind.  I was further encouraged in that by my mom and husband, who both have experienced me at the end of a day when I feel totally blah after having wasted it entirely.  And they don't love it either.  

What does this structure look like in my days?  Well, when my mom was visiting for Asher's birth, she bought me a great big white board and Ben hung it in the kitchen.  On it I have three lists.  A weekly to-do list of things that are regular tasks (laundry, vacuuming--we have a lot of dog hair, grocery shopping etc...).  A Miscellaneous to-do list (take things to goodwill, Christmas shopping, organize closet, write thank-you notes etc...).  And then I have a list of the days of the week.  Every Sunday evening, I write what I have going on each day of the week.  I try to get out of the house every day.  Whether it be a walk to the lake, grocery shopping, swinging by a friends house or even just regular weekly things like church on Wednesday night, I need to breathe other air than my own.  For the most part it works really well.  Sure, there are days it just doesn't happen, like yesterday when it rained all day and so we cozied up inside all day.   But I made it a point to keep busy...doing things around the house that helped me to feel productive.  

When I follow this model, I end my days feeling accomplished. And even better, whatever rest and indulgance in doing nothing that I carve out for myself feels deserved and actually seems to accomplish its purpose.  

Because schedules work so well for me, I have gotten Asher on board (not like he had much of a say in the matter.)  It all came about one day when I was using my free time on facebook to stalk look up old aquaintances who are not technically in my friends list.  This one in particular, I'll admit that I looked her up because I think she is beautiful and put together, and I was always envious of her as a young teen and wanted to see where she was at now.  I was looking at the adorable (of course) pictures of her children and there on her wall was a link to a blog with a caption she wrote saying how this lady and her technique helped her kiddos sleep through the night as babies.  I was intruiged because my sweet baby boy was NOT sleeping through the night and was in fact starting to get needy in ways beyond necessity.  Long story short-ish, the technique is based on Baby Wise, and essentially follows a schedule during the day so that he gets his days and nights straight, eats well, rests well and ultimately has reliability so that he can sleep well at night.  The first night he cried himself to sleep--took 7 excruciating minutes...Ben and I laying on the couch in the living room in silence as we used each other as an anchor so we didn't run in and cuddle him.  By the next night though, he went down without a peep.  That kind of proved to us that he was using his crying to get held, not because he actually had a need that had to be met.  And when he fussed at his normal 12:30 am feeding, I just popped in his pacifier and he went right back to sleep.  For the first week, I still did one feeding in the middle of the night around 2:30.  But last night, I didn't do one then at all...and he slept 6.5 hours straight!  He got fussy around 4:30, and I fed him and then he slept until 7:30.  

Moral of the story:  you never know what will come from keeping tabs on beautiful people from your past...it might just help you transform your baby's sleeping habits!  

Here are a few pictures of life that I haven't posted on Facebook or Instagram: 

A stroller-walk around the lake!  He is such a little peanut in that thing!  

Beautiful grove of bare oak trees by the lake.  

I could watch him sleep forever.  

One day he was fussing a little as he was falling asleep in his swing, and I look over and Sierra had layed down next to him and put her head on the swing and was watching him.  It was so sweet...she has definitely taken on a more "protective" role.  The night we let him cry himself to sleep, she was going back and forth from his little nook, glancing at us with what can only be described as a nervous/worried look on her face.  It was as if she was saying, "Aren't you going to do anything?" 

This kid produces two loads of laundry like this a week.  At least.  So many bodily fluids.  

Speaking of bodily fluids... For two of our showers, people could write messages on diapers.  This one says: CAUTION, contents may be explosive.  

Lets just say, you're welcome that I didn't post the picture I took after I opened the diaper...

Comfy on Auntie Claire's couch when we went over to her apartment for Friday morning sibling breakfast!  

milk drunk smiles!  

Actually, I think he was so happy because last week, he got a NEW COUSIN!!!

Baby #2 of the Klotzle Kousins Krew Trilogy

Between me and my two married brothers, we are all having babies within 4 months.  

 Anyway, introducing this little sweetie.  

Reese Everly

While she looks a bit skeptical of this big ol' world, she is totally adorable.  Amy and I have decided we need to get together sooner rather than later for a little baby-snuggle-swap. 

Welcome, baby Reese!  We are so excited you are here!  Can't wait to meet you and to also welcome together the next cousin in the triolgy!  

The three cousins will meet officially at Joe and Heather's wedding in March.  

How our family has changed this year!  

  

One Month!

I can hardly believe it...
...well let me qualify that.  There isn't just one "it" that I can hardly believe.  There are so many.  Let me tell you what all I am having a hard time wrapping my head around.

*My sweet baby boy Asher is one month old today.  One month ago today at this time I was laying in the postpartum room, snuggling my new little bundle while my hero of a husband lay sleeping across the room.  I was on the brink of a new life, and really had no idea what to expect.  And here we are, one month later...and I can barely remember life before. Before this sweet, poopy, hungry, squishy, delightful little human invaded every moment of my day (and night).

*I can hardly believe that I have kept a baby alive for one month.  Had you asked me before he was born I would have said, "DUH. of course I can keep a baby alive."  But there is something about holding a wriggling newborn with a body that feels like it could break at any moment that makes you second guess your skills.  I have googled, asked, wondered and fretted over many things that have snuck up on me.  These include, but are not limited to:  How Do I Know If My Baby Is Eating Enough?  Discharge from Umbilical Wound.  Baby Acne.  Will His Breast Buds Go Away?  Irregular, Erratic Breathing Patterns.  Blocked Tear Ducts.  (and many more).
I have realized that the newborn stage isn't my most confident stage.  But I am learning to enjoy it and have realized that this little guy is more resiliant and sturdy than I give him credit for.

*My body.  I can hardly believe what it went through to bring Asher into this world.  I can hardly believe how incredible it is that it now heals on its own (with a little help from me), and begins a whole new process of functions.  My body produces all the food Asher needs.  It hasn't been without its challenges, though.  I never knew the frustration, the wondering, the pain and more googling that goes into this.  I am grateful to be able to exclusively breastfeed, and it has gone better than I've heard it go for some.  But there is still a learning curve.

*The Awe. I can't explain how truly awesome it is to hold this little boy, and just stare at him, soaking up his little existence.  As he nurses, I am in awe.  When he gazes around with his inquisitive and serious gaze, I am in awe.  When he makes eye contact for even a brief moment, I am in awe.  When his little fist closes around my finger, I am in awe.  As he wails until cuddled close and then goes instantly quiet, I am in awe.  As I look at his incredibly intricate and perfect features, I am in awe.   I spend my days with this child and we are already connected in ways that are much deeper than I could have imagined.

*I can hardly believe what I do now that I never would or could have done before.  Running on low sleep.  Getting out of bed so quickly when he begins to wail in the night.  Sit up for an hour at a time in the middle of the night to feed him.  Perfect the shortened shower (and yes, I do shower daily...it is a glorious reprieve for me).  Make coffee, breakfast and a number of other things one handed.  Perfect the right angle, pressure and bounce of the cuddle-hold that settles him.  Talk about poop, gas, and other bodily functions freely and easily and often with much joy, if they are happening regularly.  Take an inordinate amount of pictures because he is just. so. cute.

*I can't believe how much I love my husband.  He is so sweet with Asher, holding him, talking to him, taking him so I can sleep.  He has a servant heart and never stops asking if there is something I need or something he can do for me or Asher.  He takes me on date nights with surprises that bring joy to my heart and rekindle the fire in our relationship.  He gives hugs, back rubs, and cuddles when I need them.  He listens to me as I have a myriad of emotions, thoughts, doubts, joys and frustrations that are woven throughout my day.  Ok, I can believe how much I love him. It is a joy to parent and do life with him.


Those are some of the things that have filled this past month.  I am blessed, grateful and overwhelmed by the changes (wonderful and challenging) and can't wait for what the next month will bring!

On to pictures! Sorry there are quite a few.  =)

This kid has perfected the grouch-face.  But it's so cute! 

He has also perfected the sleeping.  Which is also adorable. 

I, too have perfected the napping....

Daddy time! 

(Ben reading him books)

Superman pose

hehe.  I couldn't resist.  

ONE MONTH!!  

A little about Asher at 1 month:

-Loves eating and sleeping and pooping, especially right after Mom or Dad changes his diaper

-Sucking is his favorite.  Sleeve, thumb, fist, paci, me, any exposed skin, bottle...or nothing if it comes down to that.  He'll just work his little mouth as if he is sucking something. 

-He sleeps about 3 hour stretches at night.  Sometimes 4 if we are lucky...sometimes 1-2 if we aren't.  

-Snuggles are his favorite.  Hold him close, hold him tight and he will be your best friend.  

-He sleeps best and longest on Daddy's chest, but will sleep in his bed if he is fully asleep before going in there. 

-He loves the carseat and swing and carrier.

-Bathtime is a mixed bag, he loves water on his back and head, but not his tummy so much.

-He is just starting to coo, make eye contact and react to talking/singing

Basically he is just a sweet buddy.  And we love him a lot.  

life: readjusted

Two and a half weeks in to this whole parenting thing, and I still can't believe this is my new reality.  Honestly, it has been really good and I am really blessed.  Of course it is not without its challenges, but I don't feel overwhelmed [yet] and for that I am grateful.  

So, some updates...

Asher: Oh this sweet, beautiful, perfectly made little boy.  He has stolen our hearts so completely.  He just had his 2-week doctor's visit and everything looks really good!  He is up about a pound above his birth weight, which is super great.  He is average on height/weight ratio and length and head circumferance.  His cord stump fell off on Friday and the little wound left behind is healing well.  Overall, we have a strong, healthy, growing boy and we praise God for that!  

Common questions we get include his sleeping habits.  Again, not without its challenges, but not overwhelming either.  He naps a ton during the day, with little 30-45 minute awake periods sprinkled throughout.  So Ben and I desired and prayed for a little boy who loved to snuggle.  And that prayer was answered.  This boy so loves being in our arms and held close, that it is making sleeping at night a bit tricky.  If he is in a deep enough sleep, he will sleep in his little bassinet for several hours at a time.  Otherwise, he just wants to be near us.  His all-time favorite is to lay on Ben's chest...it calms him pretty much instantly [super adorable, by the way].  Sometimes the only way for all of us to get sleep is for Asher to sleep on Ben's chest.  Somehow, Ben is able to sleep that way, semi-propped up, for a few hours between feedings.  Basically every night is a little different, and we are figuring it out.  

He eats great (obviously gaining weight) and poops on the regular...so all of those systems are working right.  And when he isn't snoozing, he is gazing all around him, taking in the world with his serious gaze.  

Me: I am doing really well too, all things considered.  Aside from some random weeping spells (sometimes the sunset is too pretty, I miss my parents, the baby is beautiful, showers feel amazing and my husband is so sweet...all tear-inducing situations, of course), I haven't really experienced the post-baby blues. I have been really intentional about getting out of the house several days a week, even if its just for a walk around the neighborhood.  That definitely helps.  I am sort of in a waiting period for my body to get back to "normal."  I am still experiencing some of the effects from my marathon of pushing and only recently have my back and shoulder muscles gotten to a point of not aching and burning every waking [and sleeping] moment.  

Us:  I'll admit one of my biggest fears was how this would affect Ben and I.  We had a good thing going, and I so didn't want to lose it.  And while we have had to make some adjustments, it hasn't been too terrible yet.  We have acknowledged that it is easy for Asher to become the center of our world, and we have to be intentional about not letting our priorities get too out of whack.  Last night there was a showing for our house (our landlord is selling the duplex...long story), and so we took the opportunity to have a little date night.  Asher slept pretty much the whole time, and so we were able to have conversation, laughs, hand-holding and it felt really good to reconnect again. 

We took a trip to IL this past weekend for Ben's cousin's wedding.  Asher slept pretty much the whole way there and back, with the exception of a few feeding times along the way.  The time there was enjoyable and not stressful at all.  We loved seeing extended family and having them meet Asher for the first time...especially Ben's grandpa Warren, who inspired Asher's middle name.  

I find myself turning to the Father with a thankful heart many times during my day.  we have been so incredibly blessed each step of this journey.  Sometimes it is hard to soak up these good moments, because it almost seems too good.   I keep waiting for something really difficult or devastating to happen.  I have to be purposeful about accepting the gift of the present and rely on grace for the future.  I know the road won't always be smooth...that is life in a broken world.  But I do know who holds tomorrow, and I know my child (and I) can face uncertain days because He lives.  

Here are some moments from the past week or so.  

Dog introductions went well.  Sierra sniffed him, licked his hand and head a few times and then pretty much left him alone.  As you can see in this picture, she seems 

 pretty nonchalant.  Her indifference was also fueled by pouting because she saw she had been replaced as Queen Bee.

But even though she pretends she doesn't care, she will still position herself in protective places while he is sleeping or crying.  

Ben wrote me this super sweet note on our whiteboard.  love him. 

Gave our little guy a faux-hawk.  I mean, he has the hair, might as well have some fun with it!  

He has got great sleeping facial expressions.  

Asher meeting his cousins Maria, Hanna and Eva.  They were so sweet with him.  

Great-Grandma Dolores and Great-Grandpa Warren

Ben's Great-Aunt Joanne.  

One of his favorite sleeping positions.  cute little monkey-bum =) 

His awake stare.  Just looking at everything and taking it all in.  Also done very seriously...

well that is all for an update.  He is feeding right now and it so happens I only have one hand available which makes typing difficult...so I shall sign off for now!!