The In-between

I know that I kind of left you all hanging with my last post.  And I am here to let you know that my life isn't all insecurity and depressing thoughts...  In fact, those kinds of things are not prevailing at all.  Very real, very powerful...but not prevailing.  

So here I am...two-ish weeks from my Estimated Due Date.  Based on a recent doctor's appointment, things are looking good and heading toward the finish line!  Bambino is nice and comfy and low in my pelvis, my body is all ready  to do this thing at any time.  While she didn't want to give me a specific arrival time obviously, she said she wouldn't be surprised if he was born in the next week or so.  

And so I find myself in this beautifully frustrating place of in-between.  I told Ben that at this point, it seems like carrying this baby longer isn't serving much purpose.  I mean, he is fully developed, a good weight, ready to be born (by all measurable qualifications)... I'm basically a little nest for him to wait until that magical moment my uterus decides it is ready to vacate him.  While the anticipation is mounting, I can't really say that I'm hating the limbo.  I am still sleeping pretty good at night, feeling okay (aside from minor aches and pains), and haven't experienced any cramping or other kinds of pre-labor discomforts.   I don't want to rush something that isn't ready to happen.  

But I also am so looking forward to meeting this little guy face-to-face.  I guess it is still surreal to think that I will be his mom.  That he will depend totally on Ben and I.  That I won't have to give him back at the end of the day.  I have spent so much time with other people's kids that it is hard for me to picture having my own.  

BRING IT ON!

We recently went on vacation to Michigan with my family (yes, I did travel at 36 weeks...and yes everything was fine).   Not everyone was there, but we enjoyed the time we had!  unfortunately, I did not pull out my camera to take pictures that often, so there really isn't a great representation.  

There is nothing like sunset on a lake

Large Baby bump...It is strange to me that I don't remember life pre-bump.  

Amy and I and our bumps...6 weeks apart.  So excited for our kiddos to be close in age!  

It was quite fun to spend time with these guys!  Always enjoy good bonding with them and their kiddos. 

On to other life things...

Kind of blurry, but a friend snapped this of Ben and I when we were out to dinner the other night.  I thought it was cute. =)  

Pepper bounty from our garden.  Used our Purple Bell peppers in some Sweet and Sour Chicken, still pondering ideas for jalapenos, and decided to string up the red chiles and dry them out! 

And now for the OTHER exciting news in our family...

...drumroll please...

My little (not-so-little) brother, Joe is ENGAGED.  

that is right. He is getting married. 

MIND. BLOWN. 

I can hardly believe that he is at this stage of life. 

In our younger years, Joe and I didn't always get along so well.  He was annoying, I was bossy and the combination just didn't jive most of the time.   By the grace of God, we are both able to pull memories from our childhood that were positive and hold sweet experiences for us. 

Over the years, we have been able to move past those not-so-great dynamics and actually become friends.  Joe went to the same high school I did, and we had a lot in common because we had the same teachers and similar friends. 

He then went to the same college I did...and again, we had common ground.  Sure we still have our sibling moments when we bother each other, but it hasn't seemed to hinder the positive growth.

Our friendship developed and we share conversations about life, relationships, school, God and ourselves.  I have come to really appreciate the man Joe has become.  He is wise, godly, funny, lively, musical, thoughtful, cautious, adventerous... 

I always knew he would make someone a fantastic life partner someday. 

In fact, the only thing I'm mourning right now, is that I am no longer his go-to girl.  He used to always call me up for advice or just to get my perspective...and now that will change.  But I am used to it.  After all, he is brother number 3 to go through this...and each time I have gone through a period of feeling replaced...only to realize that it is right and good that I am replaced and that it doesn't mean our friendship is over...just that it has different parameters.  (it helps that they have all married great women!) 

This kid...

pretty fantastic. 

And he also knows how to have a good time...which is definitely a plus!

This is the girl he is marrying...Heather.  

Isn't she just adorable?!

For a little bit of background...Heather and I have been friends for quite a while.  

Here is a bit of our history...

We roadtripped across the country with her sister Tasha. 

She made us matching beanies...(obviously she is a talented knitter or crochetter) 

We climbed mountains in Colorado together! 

We ate at a really random little diner with a giant stuffed Elk head behind us. 

We sang "Jar of Hearts" together at a painted piano in Downtown Saint Paul (before I ever knew I would move here).

She serenaded us in the dog park with her ukelele

we tanned our pelts at the beach

These are just a few of the snapshots of so many good times Heather and I have shared together.   So many conversations, laughs, crazy times and just building a friendship in general.  I am so so grateful to have her as a part of our family now.  She will be a fabulous addition.  Not to mention, she and Joe are MFEO (meant for each other)

 =)  

So here is to new and exciting changes in our family all across the board!  2015-2016 is a big year for us, and like always, God has proven faithful...I have no doubt he will continue to be! 

  

Insecurity and its Ugly Head

I know my last post made it seem like everything is great, dandy and fine.  Which, for the most part, it is.  But there are also underlying dynamics about this season which are catching me off guard, even though their refrain is all too familiar.

*fair warning...word vomit about to ensue.

My point in sharing all of this is I want to do this parenting thing well...  Not perfect, not without flaws...but genuine, honest, forward and onward.

I don't consider myself a pessimist, generally speaking.  And I am really not an optimist either.  I like to think I am a realist.  Looking at things realistically, evaluating and preparing accordingly.  However, I do have this one thing I do, and it is particularly bad right now.

Inside my head and heart, I prepare myself for the worst, or at least allow the worst to be a realistic option.  I do this so that the worst can't blindside me, because I already considered it and made plans to deal with it.  For example, if I am hosting a party with mixed friends and family groups, I lower my expectations for how well the dynamics will mesh.  That way, if the group doesn't jive, and people don't seem to have a good time...well, I expected that, so I'm not disappointed.  Makes sense, right?

Well, Ben and I were talking about it last night and I realized that I have been doing this big time for becoming a mom...and a stay-at-home mom, to boot!  I have heard so many stories about how exhausting and thankless and stressful being a mom is.  I have heard how it will strain my marriage, I will be disgusted with my body and will wear sweats 24-7 and maybe get a shower once a week.  I have heard how depression will settle over me and I may have trouble bonding with my baby.  I have heard that doing laundry, meals, tidying, errands etc...will not be accomplished in a timely or complete manner because it is all to much to juggle.  I have heard that alone time with my husband will be practically non-existent for at least the first year.  I have heard that I shouldn't have too high of standards for my children or myself in the discipline department, because it just isn't realistic.


And maybe pieces of that may very well be true at various times.  And just maybe it will all happen at once.  I don't know.  But I find myself preparing for that.  Trying not to assume I will be exempt from any of it.  Unfortunately, in the process, I resign myself to the fact that I am not even capable of better.  I want to prepare Ben for this kind of mom/wife I am sure to become.  That if he expects anything better than what I described above, he wil be sorely disappointed...so start preparing now, buddy! Slowly all the confidence I had, all the excitement and anticipation of being a mom is clouded over by the really depressing reality that seems to be inevitable.   It sucks me down into a really unhealthy spiral of self-deprication, insecurity... and ultimately the mantras I find myself repeating in an effort to be prepared end up becoming truths in my life.

I already kind of got the "Don't be fooled, you aren't exempt" reminders on facebook for stating a particular standard for myself and my child in a certain aspect of parenting.  So I realize what I am about to say may very well bring out those well-meaning reminders that I am not above it all, and I may as well pull my head out of the clouds.  But in people's efforts to be realistic and prepare me (which, as you can see, I do plenty of myself), they don't always balance that with the positives of this mommy thing.  I know they mean well, and really just want to share their war stories.  But where are the joys?  The accomplishments?  The encouragements that if I have a goal or standard to stick with it, because goals and standards aren't bad.  The truth that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   The rejoicing with others in their accomplishments, even if it is our area of struggle.  Or supporting others in their moments of doubt and discouragement, and not flaunting that we have that figured out.

I don't want to be that wife and mother up there that has been layed out for me.  Like I said before, I know aspects of it will be true...but they don't have to define me.  Challenges will arise in my relationship with Ben, but it doesn't mean we have to let them bring lasting tension and distance between us.  I will be tired and feel like crying at times, but that doesn't have to translate into depression.  My body will be different, but that doesn't mean I will automatically resent my baby or the pregnancy process or hate myself every time I look in a mirror.   It may be hard to get done various chores, tasks and errands on a set schedule and perfectly every time.  But that doesn't mean I just give up and assume I'm not capable of a tidy house or yummy dinner.

It could mean those things if I let it.  But it doesn't have to.  In fact, I want to make some statements for myself that may come across as arrogant or ignorant or naive or whatever.  But hear me out...

~I will take a shower as often as I need to.  Mainly because showering is calming, rejuvinating and I love being clean.
~I will leave my baby with a trusted friend or family member for date nights because I refuse to have my world revolve solely around the little guy.  I mean, it took the two of us to make him, and we are a team, and I can't kick my teammate (and friend, and lover and confidant and supporter) out now.  
~I will invest in time with my baby, even if that means sacrificing folded clothes or having mac-n-cheese for dinner here and there.  And if baby is sleeping or otherwise occupied, I will make an effort to fold the laundry and thaw the chicken...because Ben and I deserve clean clothes in our drawers and some protein in our bellies too.
~I will remind myself every time I pass a mirror that this body grew and nurtured a precious human life for 9 months.  And each imperfection that my biased eyes see is actually the perfection of how intricately and amazingly God made my body to do this and they all combine to tell a beautiful story.  And I will believe my husband when he tells me I am the most beautiful woman to him, not only because of my outward looks, but also because I carried our son and there is no other woman who meets that criteria.
~As my baby grows into a toddler, I will have certain expectations and standards of behavior, because that is my job as a parent.  Even if it is tough and yields few results and feels pointless, I will press on.  Because if I (we) don't do this hard work of teaching and journeying through the selfish, ungrateful, angry, disrespectful moments with our kid...we are ultimately doing him a disservice as his parents.
~I will accept help, because I don't have to do it all alone or prove anything to anyone, and I don't believe I was meant to.  That is the beauty and purpose of community, family, and loving like Jesus loved.
~I will allow myself to be encouraged by my support system.  When they speak words of truth and uplifting encouragement, I will choose to believe them.

My life won't look perfect.  I will struggle.  But I want to commit to stand strong against what the Enemy is whispering in my ear.  He wants me to believe that this will be miserable or overwhelmingly hard.  That the joy will be overshadowed by the monotony and drudgery.  This is a big step for me, because it leaves me open to the unknown.  For if I don't expect the worst, I may very well get caught off guard and hurt.  I guess that is where I find God...waiting for me in those moments.  Offering yet another opportunity for me to seek Him out and rely on his strength to accomplish those things I stated above.

I am so grateful for my husband's presence through this messy discovery.  He has confidence in me.  Confidence in God in me.  He doesn't think I'm crazy (even though I might be).  He doesn't write me off as hormonal (even though I definitely am). He has grace for me when I have very little for myself.  He has adjusted expectations, hugged me through meltdowns, spoken words of truth to me and at the end there was a foot-rub.  I don't deserve him, but I am very grateful for him.  And I can't wait to be a parent with him.


Sorry that was long...but I needed to write out some of my thoughts and where I am at.  I can already tell this will be an ongoing journey for me, and I will probably reference this post in the future when I lose sight of all the things I just wrote.