I turned 29 at the beginning of April. As always, another birthday makes me stop and ponder where I am, how I got here and where I'm going. I'll admit, I don't feel like I always imagined I would when I arrived at the end of my twenties. I used to view people at this stage of life far more mature and with things far more put together. I still can't believe I have 2 (TWO!) children, a house, a car, a husband and all the grown-up things in life. That includes the stress, the responsibility and alllll the bills =)
This is kind of a confusing season for me. I don't feel confident that I'm adulting well. I'm a mother, who feels at a loss at times on how to raise her children. I love being a grown-up and having the independence and ability to do what I want. But I also don't love the weight of responsibility for the choices I make with that independence. I'm not a college kid anymore, but I don't feel any different than that girl, really. My body is definitely aging, and I'm beginning to realize it only will get worse from here. The number of silver strands in my hair is astounding to me. I still struggle with being liked and seeking others' approval even though I've been a grown woman-who is technically established in who she is-for quite a while now.
All of this reminds me of what my true identity is, and where to run when I am feeling confused, lost or overwhelmed (and even when I'm not...)
After his bath or shower, when Asher is all wrapped up in his towel, he has this tradition of asking to snuggle with me. He just leans into me, all damp and warm, and stays there...sometimes silent, sometimes just saying, "Mommy" over and over. I ask him what he wants and he says, "I want Mommy." I hold him close, remind him I love him and say, "I'm right here."
How that brings joy to my Mommy heart. I can't help but think that that simple exchange is exactly what God desires from me. A standing tradition of coming close, letting Him hold me and when He asks what I want, to say I just want Him. And, as always, He is ready and willing to remind me of his love and just be with me.
My goodness, I love how these kids, who God gave to me, are being used as refinement and sanctification for me. The bring joy and delight, causing me to praise and thank God. They also expose selfishness and pride, causing me to seek God for strength and wisdom. It can be a painful process, but oh-so-glorious!
1 comment:
So well written and enjoyed reading it. It takes me back to raising our children and did not realize at the time the huge responsibility that God gives us. Keep up the good job and praise God along the way. Diane
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