Facing Fears

I’m feeling convicted.  I‘ve been keeping quiet on a lot of things.  Partially because I’m worried about how people will react. Partially because it might be met with indifference or misunderstanding. But I’ve had this feeling deep in my spirit that I must speak out.  

Before I do that, though, I need to walk through this journey of fear.  

It might surprise you when I say I am afraid to say something. Most people who know me know that I do tend to speak before I think.  I tend to get a flash of boldness and just say something potentially challenging or controversial. I don’t appear to shy away from conversation.  I’m fairly outgoing and willing to engage. For those of you who are familiar with it, I’m an Enneagram 9w8.  The 8 wing is what people tend to see on the surface, but the 9 is what lurks beneath.  It does, however, guide most of my functioning and tends to manifest my broken pieces. The pieces that want peace at all costs and feel scared and second guess.  

Because words have never been my problem (spoken or written), and I have this fear of creating turmoil in relationships, it has created some interesting habits.  

I practice conversations. The hard ones, the controversial ones. Out loud. While driving mostly, but other places too.  I practice what I think the other person might say. Various scenarios. I try to plan for the best and worst cases.  I want to be articulate and be able to have a profitable conversation, and keep people from getting mad at me.  

Oh sure, I’ve had the hard conversations. I’ve caused tension and endured conflict. But it about does me in. And I can ruminate on a conversation going over all the facets and how it could have gone better or different.  And it always feels like my fault some how if it went wrong.  I always assume I was too pushy or too aggressive.  

A real-life example of how this fear of tension and conflict in my life manifests itself-

I currently have a blog post sitting in my draft folder because I’m too timid to publish it. Know why? Because last time I got a little bold and brash with my posting on a polarizing topic, it didn’t go super well.  I felt conflict and I didn’t like it.  I know that some people are willing to toss friendship and pass harsh judgments over certain topics and that makes me nervous.  I want to believe that friendship with me is more valuable than ideology, but I know it’s just not true. But even armed with that knowledge, I’m mostly scared to find out which of my friends, family or acquaintances are the ones who can’t weather the storm of my stance on a particular topic.  

But the topic I’m keeping quiet on? I’m pretty passionate about it.  My intrigue, curiosity, passion and questions grow every day.  My beliefs have been challenged, uprooted and solidified all at once.  It’s a glorious growth for me and I’ve never felt more empowered and confident on this topic.  And with that inner confidence comes the desire to share it.  

But only those who agree with me have ever really seen that side of me.  I have barely tested the waters with those who might not.  And when I did, it shook me. Like I was literally shaking, I was so nervous. And I couldn’t settle my mind afterwards for thinking through what I said and how I could have represented myself better. 

But I feel excited for the day when I am not scared of what people think. Where I can own a belief with humility and confidence and be articulate and kind in talking about it.  

That day isn’t here quite yet, but I’m working on it.

On another side, I’ve been quiet about pieces of my faith that I just don’t take the time to share.  It’s no secret that I love Jesus and seek to follow him in all I do. However this flows deep for me. Today I was listening to a song and and the tears just welled up from deep within me.  Tears of joy and gratitude.  This is not an uncommon occurrence.  I often get filled with emotion when singing to God. I also have been so excited to learn more about his character in a Bible study I’m doing. I feel like I know him more than I ever have. I want to shout from the rooftops how amazing he is and how deeply he touches my life.  I am in awe of how deep his love goes and I’m also feeling ashamed how I’ve been hoarding it to myself. 

Why is he not permeating my every conversation?  My hesitancy of being misunderstood or cut off trumps how deeply I feel about God and his presence in my life.  But that isn’t right. And the conviction today was heavy. 

So I started sharing on my social media platforms of who Jesus is to me, and it doesn't really matter if it jives with people.  That had been a fear of mine.  That people just wouldn't understand.  But proclaiming truth or convictions does not depend on how it is received...

If you have made it this far, thank you for hearing me out.  I am a verbal processor, and that applies to writing as well.  Often typing something out lets me "hear" my thoughts.  I picture various people reading it and what they might think from their perspective (Another one of those avoid-conflict habits). 

Eventually, I will post the writings sitting in my draft box.  So check back in!

Au Revoir