sometimes, i think far too much. i go over and over in my head...like a broken record, trying to find a little piece of a situation i might have missed. that maybe if i re-think it ten million times, what i did wrong or what i could have done differently will somehow magically appear and i'll be able to have closure. is that all i'm searching for? closure? but for what... i am convinced now, 
that all i really want is for me to feel ok and comfortable. a wise friend once told me that we are taught today to run and hide from hurt. it is so important to me to assuage my wounds. make them go away. find "closure" so that i stop hurting. but this isn't the journey i'm on. God isn't there for me just to be my red-cross nurse, staunching my open wounds after a battle. he needs to be my buddy, fighting along side me, holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder when i recount all my losses.
i just can't wrap my head around allowing myself to hurt, but to place into gentle, capable hands. will that really help me feel any better than thinking myself dizzy?
isn't it interesting that sometimes we want to know so bad...and then when we find out, it devestates us to no end. what is that in us that makes us want to know the depth of the brokenness? i would be open to hearing what you think about this.
i don't mean for this to be an "emo" blog...but i have been thinking myself crazy these past weeks and am learning slowly that hurt doesn't need to be swept under the rug. and maybe closure is a selfish thing... maybe its not my privilagage or secret to know.
somewhere in the back of my mind i hear the gentle voice whisper through my whirlwind of thoughts, "my ways are beyond your ways..." and i can barely hear it because i am so sure that i know whats best. afterall, it is my life. i do live it everyday. ha. but he created it. sometimes it makes me laugh to see how blinded i am.
God, hear my heart cry. i place my hurts, my fears, my desires, my confident attitude...all of it...in your hands. even if its hard to believe it right now, i choose to know that you care so much for me. i pray that i may learn to hear your consistent voice through my buzzing thoughts, to know that you have never left or forsaken me, but that i have muddled the airwaves with my self-centered pride.
thank you for second chances and for a love so great it chose me, with all my righteousness resembling something akin to dirty rags.
xoxo
that all i really want is for me to feel ok and comfortable. a wise friend once told me that we are taught today to run and hide from hurt. it is so important to me to assuage my wounds. make them go away. find "closure" so that i stop hurting. but this isn't the journey i'm on. God isn't there for me just to be my red-cross nurse, staunching my open wounds after a battle. he needs to be my buddy, fighting along side me, holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder when i recount all my losses. i just can't wrap my head around allowing myself to hurt, but to place into gentle, capable hands. will that really help me feel any better than thinking myself dizzy?
isn't it interesting that sometimes we want to know so bad...and then when we find out, it devestates us to no end. what is that in us that makes us want to know the depth of the brokenness? i would be open to hearing what you think about this.
i don't mean for this to be an "emo" blog...but i have been thinking myself crazy these past weeks and am learning slowly that hurt doesn't need to be swept under the rug. and maybe closure is a selfish thing... maybe its not my privilagage or secret to know.
somewhere in the back of my mind i hear the gentle voice whisper through my whirlwind of thoughts, "my ways are beyond your ways..." and i can barely hear it because i am so sure that i know whats best. afterall, it is my life. i do live it everyday. ha. but he created it. sometimes it makes me laugh to see how blinded i am.
God, hear my heart cry. i place my hurts, my fears, my desires, my confident attitude...all of it...in your hands. even if its hard to believe it right now, i choose to know that you care so much for me. i pray that i may learn to hear your consistent voice through my buzzing thoughts, to know that you have never left or forsaken me, but that i have muddled the airwaves with my self-centered pride.
thank you for second chances and for a love so great it chose me, with all my righteousness resembling something akin to dirty rags.
xoxo
4 comments:
oh suz,
great stuff. things philospher's ponder and argue about.
i think the key is your statement near the end, that you "choose to know that you (God) care(s)..." so much for you. Our flesh kicks against it. The flesh may refuse to accept it, but we sometimes have to force feed the Truth of His Word in so it can seep in and let it inhabit our being.
Regarding letting others in on our hurt, I think it can be a challenge. Pride, fear of rejection, and fear of judgement all get in the way. In a way the body of Christ, should be let in somehow otherwise how would we know how best to pray for you?
Regardless of what happens with others, again I think the key lies in how involved you are in letting God help you. Sometimes people are the physical extension of Him. God can't physically hug you, physically cry with you, etc. He uses his people for that. Fallible as we are, we love you just the same. =]
not sure if I really addressed what you were driving at...but I made an attempt. =]
thank you anonymous =]
I think most of my thoughts on this are tied up in what anonymous said, but I definitely want to concur with the thought that He cares. And He cares so much more than we could ever imagine.
His whole being is about relationship. His very existence expresses that, that He is Three and those Three are so closely bound in the same relationship that they are One. The idea that that's the same kind of intimate relationship that He's working on with us is awesome to me. That His desire is to cross the lines, and invade, and erase, and create new, and bring joy.
Without knowing anything about what you're really talking about, I think I can still relate on a certain level. The not knowing is almost too much to bear and it feels like a constant pull at my mind and spirit. Then when the knowing comes it brings a rush of new emotions, i.e. hurt and loneliness, etc. But in a way, the knowing brings so much more freedom. There's no longer the tension of the unknown, just the pain of reality. Both of which have only One cure.
Post a Comment