just breathe

tears silently stream down my cheeks.

my heart is breaking...although the reason seems trivial enough.

"get up and try again! you'll make it this time!" is the phrase my ears are tired of hearing.

if they can say it so easily, why can't i?

how many times can my soul be told no before it crumbles into a muddled, trampled mess on the floor.

they don't know. can't possibly understand how this hurts my heart.

they said i'm a valued member of their community.

why do i feel so lost?

it is a passion. it speaks to me. i want to share it with the world...and they said no.

there are more talented people than me, people who spend hours a day perfecting their talent.

and then there's me. but can't my passion make up for the lack of perfection? apparently not.

i wanted them to say, "suzy, you're what we're looking for because we can tell you love this, your God and the people you want to serve."

but instead i hear, "well this won't work out, but if you want to take a class on it..."

a class. as though someone could write it in a book and make a powerpoint lecture out of it.

sure, technique can always be polished. but a class? for my heart's desire?

i guess anything's possible these days

my biggest question though, tugging at my heart, is how did i misunderstand God?

didn't he open these doors? didn't he bless me with these gifts? this heart?

how could it all work out SO WELL, but then fall apart like a house of cards.

i feel myself getting jaded.

no more opportunites for them to shut me down.

if they want me they'll have to come up and ask.

no more of this me thinking i have something to offer and them politely telling me i was wrong.

i want to have patience. i want to believe the words "suzy, God has something for you...just wait"

i don't want your pity. no feeling sorry for me.

i want a hug.

someone to share my pain with me.

to acknowledge how bad it hurts me, even if they don't understand.

staples and cardstock

Oh fair summer, to where have you flown?
my lazy days and lack of responsibility will soon be over, and once again I will be overwhelmed with the cascade of real life. my head is pulled all different directions. annoyed. excited. overwhelmed. not challenged enough. but overall, it is utterly content.

As one from the greater AC metropolis of the midwest might know, California (while exquisite in beauty and bustling city life...) is far on the outskirts of anywhere it might currently be "happening." but my short self, void of proper social exposure and fellowship, emptied my bank account to invest in my relationships from afar. and, here is the result.

This is me and a bunch of girls for a bachelorette party for Kirsten Sauder-Wiegand. I was blessed to be able to hang out with all these girls even though i wasn't part of the wedding and was just "tagging along." But we had a blast dressing up in 80's outfits and making a fun dinner and just being girls!

and



These are the proof that an amazing, nostalgic lego-playing, odyssey-listening evening ACTUALLY took place. and it was epic. We had spent an evening earlier that week quoting Adventures in Odyssey, and decided right then and there we were going to play Legos and listen to our favorite, quotable episodes! It was a blast and definitely brought back memories of our childhood days. it was great to see how many of us have similar experiences. our parents must have all shopped Focus on the Family!




This is me and Kiera Stieglitz (Shane and Laura's daughter) and we had so much fun. she is learning how to talk and her vocabulary is expanding rapidly. I think the country is a great place to raise children, as there are so many interesting things to find on a farm!

and Last but not least, here is home sweet home for me.

The mountains, the sky, the music, the experience. fully california. it encompasses what I have come to know and love. this is my life. I can travel the world over, find amazing places, meet phenomenal people, but coming back home is what brings joy to my heart. Who knows where God is going to take me in the future, and I am open to wherever that may be. But until then, why not love where i'm at!?

Come visit any time.

Oh, and a taste of what's to come. i am starting school next week. and the adventure begins again!