just breathe

tears silently stream down my cheeks.

my heart is breaking...although the reason seems trivial enough.

"get up and try again! you'll make it this time!" is the phrase my ears are tired of hearing.

if they can say it so easily, why can't i?

how many times can my soul be told no before it crumbles into a muddled, trampled mess on the floor.

they don't know. can't possibly understand how this hurts my heart.

they said i'm a valued member of their community.

why do i feel so lost?

it is a passion. it speaks to me. i want to share it with the world...and they said no.

there are more talented people than me, people who spend hours a day perfecting their talent.

and then there's me. but can't my passion make up for the lack of perfection? apparently not.

i wanted them to say, "suzy, you're what we're looking for because we can tell you love this, your God and the people you want to serve."

but instead i hear, "well this won't work out, but if you want to take a class on it..."

a class. as though someone could write it in a book and make a powerpoint lecture out of it.

sure, technique can always be polished. but a class? for my heart's desire?

i guess anything's possible these days

my biggest question though, tugging at my heart, is how did i misunderstand God?

didn't he open these doors? didn't he bless me with these gifts? this heart?

how could it all work out SO WELL, but then fall apart like a house of cards.

i feel myself getting jaded.

no more opportunites for them to shut me down.

if they want me they'll have to come up and ask.

no more of this me thinking i have something to offer and them politely telling me i was wrong.

i want to have patience. i want to believe the words "suzy, God has something for you...just wait"

i don't want your pity. no feeling sorry for me.

i want a hug.

someone to share my pain with me.

to acknowledge how bad it hurts me, even if they don't understand.