muddled mix of thoughts

Three paper-projects.

All due in one day.

Started late the night before.

Yeah so I have procrastination problems. major ones. And tonight i think i snapped. Halfway through my child abuse and dysfunctional families class, our prof let us out on a break. All the sudden I had a burst of energy that manifested itself in crazy ways.

half-completed cartwheels down the hall (yes, i ended up on the floor).

speed walking down stairs (that doesn't turn out so well).

word vomit (my spastic train of thought coming out in words).

now we're back from break and i can hardly sit still. this is ridiculous.
so i'm trying blog-post therapy. its a real thing...trust me.
I. need. help.

Actually, this is totally helping. i'm calming down already. wow. the power of the written word.

Anyways, on another note.
When you hear the word "discipleship" what do you think of?
leading? following? teaching? discipline? obedience? serving? giving? doing?
Yeah, i thought all of those things too. and they aren't bad or wrong.
But i'm learning* that its about more than what i can do or achieve or learn.
Its primarily about grace. God's grace.
If the focus is only on what i can do, i'll never do enough. or do it right.
But when the focus is grace...its not about my success or failure in the doing.
its about how God gives me the grace to learn and practice serving.
no amount of us trying to serve on our own merit will get it right. that just turns into judgmental and guilt-ridden legalism.
so how do I avoid that and fix this problem?
Accept that grace. God is looking for ways to save me and to grow me.
he abundantly pours out grace. but if i don't recognize the grace, i will not experience the full power of Christ in my life.
When there is an ultimate and all controlling rule of a gracious King...what will be the nature of his kingdom?
its subjects will reflect the character of the King.
if i claim my inheritance as a child of God and partake in the inaugurated Kingdom (meaning it is here already and also not yet fulfilled), then i will reflect His character.
This is the demand of righteousness.
grace foils legalism and fuels righteousness.

And I don't wait until I mess up to turn to the Servant and receive grace. I have to start everyday with receiving grace, because I realize that I can't even face the day without it.
i must practice the presence of God...and most importantly, the reception of his grace.
really great thing about it is, its a free gift. I just have to collect.
i must do this by constantly returning to the throne for another "grace-fix."
Sometimes I have been graced on a missions trip, or in a worship time that leaves me so spiritually high. Then I run on that grace-fuel for a while. I assume it will last me, but soon i'm running on grace-fumes. There is nothing but myself stopping the constant flow of grace.
if i ask, i will receive.
What if i don't know to ask? or how? or just get so low that i'm barely getting by?
Well God thought of that too. He provides common grace which can manifest itself in the simplest of ways (song on the radio, hug from a friend, wind in the trees) that keep me going until i can seek out the fullness of the promise of his grace.

i am redeemed. graced. pursued. found.

Now there is a demand for righteousness, which will just overflow out of me.


*These concepts were introduced to me by the Spirit working through
Dr. Jonathan Lunde