peace to you.

I just sat here and wrote out several beginnings to this blog...
...and then deleted them all.

It is really challenging to know what to say as this year draws to a close. Looking back on the past 364 days, I am amazed at what has transpired. So many life milestones...and yet here I am, feeling just the same as last new years eve.

How is it that I'm a whole year older, and I still feel like sometimes I haven't grown up very much at all?

How is it that I have learned and absorbed a ridiculous amount of information about God and then realize that I have barely scratched the surface of who he is?

How is it that I listen to the same songs with the same words and they still give me chills and speak to my heart?

How is it that I have experienced some really tough life changes and can still stand here today, ready to take on another year potentially full of more challenges, trials and heartbreak?

Oh wait, I know the answer to that one. Turns out, I have an incredibly faithful God who has kept me steady, stayed by my side and given me copious amounts of grace through it all.

So you know what? I can't wait for next year. Bring it on. I am so ready to take on the joys, challenges, change, routine, and everything else in between. Because I can totally do this. um... me and Him can totally do this. And it won't be from a place of striving or trying too hard or feeling restless and stressed. Because I am going to remember this:

"As this year draws to a close, receive My Peace. This is still your deepest need, and I, your Prince of Peace, long to pour Myself into your neediness. My abundance and your emptiness are a perfect match. I designed you to have no sufficiency of your own. I created you as a jar of clay, set apart for sacred use. I want you to be filled with My very Being, permeated through and through with Peace. Thank me for My peaceful Presence, regardless of your feelings. Whisper My Name in loving tenderness. My Peace, which lives continually in your spirit, will gradually work its way through your entire being.
Isaiah 9:6; 2 Corinthians 4:7; John 14:26-27."

[Jesus calling by sarah young, pg 382]


So may peace rain down from Heaven
Like little pieces of the sky
Little keepers of the promise
Falling on these souls the drought has dried
In His Blood and in His Body
In this Bread and in this Wine
Peace to you
Peace of Christ to you
[r. mullins]



So as you close the chapter that was last year, and start on fresh blank pages that are 2012, peace be with you. May it fill your heart and overflow your soul. If you have known this peace before, may you be reminded of its refreshing and comforting power.
If you have never experienced this peace before, I pray that this year you can meet God. And on these fresh blank pages of the new year you can detail a story unlike one that your past chapters of life have ever seen before.

In the Blink of an Eye.

I know this is going to sound like I'm a pre-teen boy, but it is the truth. I tend to think i'm slightly invincible. I mean, not really invincible, obviously. But scary things haven't happened to me, so it is one of those out-of-sight-out-of-mind things.

That is why my adventure the other day was a much-needed wake-up call. Allow me to tell you what happened.


It was a gorgeous day in Arizona. Temperatures were in the 60's, sky cloudy with some sun-rays shining through. My dad, brothers and sister-in-law were headed into the desert to do some quality quadding. I have been on a four-wheeler before, although haven't driven one. Driving things doesn't scare me. I'm not a daredevil, but I do know how to have a fun time. I was originally going to ride with my sister-in-law, but she wanted to go with my brother, so I got my own.



The open desert is beautiful. This was a little canyon we looked out over from one of our trails.



Joey is super-fierce on his lil quad.




My brother, Johnny, starting up the quad that I was driving. It was a hefty machine.




Me and Amy looking super legit in our helmetage.

So we go riding off through the desert. I was getting the hang of the ATV i was driving and learning how to ride the road-bumps and to get the most fun out of it! My fingers were a bit numb, as the wind-chill factor at 30 mph can be biting, and I had left my gloves in the car.

about half hour into our ride, we get to this steep hill. Both my brothers headed up, and I followed behind, with my dad bringing up the rear. Then we decided to go down the other side. My dad stopped everyone and told my brothers to check out the down-hill slope and see if it was safe for us to go down. It was a pretty steep incline with a v-ditch down the middle. My younger brother, Joe, checked it and said it was fine and went down. John told Amy to get off the ATV and walk down, since two going down wouldn't be very good. He went up on the left side and leaned away from ditch and made it down. I watched him do it, and headed down. I was careful, slow and began leaning against the gravitational pull.

Then i felt it lean to one side. My weight wasn't going to keep it upright. my instinct was to speed up and get down quicker. But then it just kept tipping. So I bailed. Straight up jumped off. since it was harder to jump opposite of the tipping ATV, I went the dangerous route. I thought with my weight off that it would right itself and just keep going down the hill. But it was too far gone. It continued tipping, straight toward me. As I saw it coming toward me, I turned around to protect my front-side, and ducked my head. The rest happened in a matter of seconds. It was crushing my ankle and foot, and I tried to push it off. I don't remember this, but supposedly it hit my head as I leaned down to push it off. It was heavy and I couldn't push it.

In that moment, my thoughts included, "This is it...I am going to get crushed. something will at least get broken. Oh, God...this is it, here I come. Oh no! the ATV is going to be ruined! I was so stupid!"

I was totally dazed, but next thing I knew, the quad was off of me and plummeting down the hill or more accurately, it was still flipping and rolling. I looked down and saw my brother, Joe scramble off his quad and run up the hill, yelling something I didn't hear. Pretty sure I've never seen him move so fast. But the quad was coming right for him and he tried to stop it. It was too heavy and almost crushed him too. I screamed, because watching my brother get hit by a quad was a sight I wasn't ready for, since I had obviously survived.

He thankfully got out of the way and wasn't hurt at all. My body was numb and I wasn't sure what had been hurt or how bad. My mind was spinning and I couldn't make any thoughts connect. Joe said he saw it roll over and hit my head and thought I would be knocked out for sure. After a few minutes, I started feeling where it hit me. My ankle hurt the worst, but within a few moments, I realized that it was just badly bruised, but nothing worse.

It was probably the most dangerous situation I'd been in so far in my life. A friend's dad had recently been in an ATV accident and was killed suddenly, and so I knew how fine that line was between badly bruised and dead. I should have been crushed. Bones should have been broken. But for some reason, I escaped with a lot of bruises and sore muscles. Minimal injury. This can only mean one thing.

There is a God. He is watching out for me. He's not done with me yet.

I'm so grateful. And that doesn't even begin to express it, though. I started the day thinking that accidents can't happen if you're not being crazy. And I ended the day realizing that anything can happen to anyone at any time. No one is exempt. Only the hand of God can allow or prevent anything from happening. So glad it's not just "lucky stars" or "karma"...

Remember that...life could change at any moment. I know it is cliche to say, "live each day like your last." So instead, I'd say, live each day realizing that in the blink of an eye, it could all change. There is only one thing that remains constant through life, death, injury, pain, loss, joy and change. and so clinging to that like a lifeline is the only way to make it through whatever comes. Trust Him...because words like, "let down" or "abandonment" or "second-guess" or "Plan B" or "surprises" or "accidents" are not in his vocabulary.

And this is why I love Him. Well that, and lots of other reasons too, of course.

There she goes...

It was 7:43 am. It was Saturday morning, and I had another hour before my alarm went off. I was blissfully unaware of what was going on in the world. From the depths of my dreaming, I hear the home phone ring. In the fogginess, I am aware that my mom gets out of bed and answers it. It's too early for phone calls, and I distinctly remember thinking, "seriously mom, this is what we have an answering machine for."

Then there are pounding footsteps, and all I hear is, "NOT MY TREE!" There is pleading in her voice. From out front, I hear a gruff, "Ma'am, step back. Ma'am, please move away from the tree. we HAVE to cut it down."

Immediately I am fully awake. My heart starts pounding. they mean OUR tree? It survived the storm! Why would they cut it down? Sure it's leaning...but it's STILL THERE!
Still in my pajamas, I run down the stairs and to the front door. Our poor neighbor Denise is standing in our driveway in her bathrobe. "I'm just so sorry, I've been out here since 6 am trying to convince them not to. I told them that you would be devastated. I told them to double check because I knew it would make you upset! I'm so sorry!" She is close to tears.

By the time I got down there, my parents are sitting on the front steps, a dazed look on my mom's face. The men in neon safety vests and hardhats are still cutting at the trunk of this tree. They obviously are annoyed to be disrupted. They've been picking up wind debris for over two weeks and they just want to be done.

The foreman is saying something about a major root that broke, and it's just not safe.

Finally there is a crack and the giant tree topples into the street.

a piece of my heart broke. You might be saying, "Look, it's just a tree...they grow, plant a new one." But I don't think you understand.

We grew up with this tree. As my mom says, "We've been waiting 25 years for it to finally grow into an amazing shade tree for the morning sun." We used to climb it barefoot as kids. On the days when normal kids were in school, we were tying ropes from the branches, attempting to shimmy up the side. My brothers are well-known in our friend groups for making the most epic blow-guns this side of the Mississippi. And anyone who engaged in wars with us knows what the acorns from that tree felt like snapping against your back as you ran away. it was a seriously a landmark of our time at this house.

I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped some pictures. My eyes filled up with tears. I turned around and went back inside. I didn't know what to think. My previous blog JUST SAID how much I hate change. well change that messes with my childhood? It's the worst of all.
How dare the hardhats and neon vests come and callously remove it. How dare they think we're crazy for mourning its loss. I mean it's one thing if the wind blew it over. No one can help that.
I know it's a bit dramatic, But obviously, John Muir and I thought a lot alike,
"God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand tempests and floods. But he cannot save them from fools."



Yeah...they just didn't stop.






It's gonna be so bare and naked on our front easement.





And since it's the city's property, we can't just plant a new one. They have to (if they decide to at all) and it will be another 25 years before it's grown like this one.

The really empty easement.



The pile of logs in the back yard. It is so sad to see them all stacked and in pieces.

It is difficult to realize how great a part of all that is cheerful and delightful in the recollections of our own life is associated with trees. ~Wilson Flagg

So is it a bit strange that I came right up to my room and wrote a blog about this? Maybe. But I just needed to process it and write it down and share it with those who might have known the tree. I'm telling you, losing that tree was like saying goodbye to a piece of my childhood and that is never easy. It's hard enough to remember all the amazing times let alone, having a reminder being torn up by it's very roots.

A few minutes ago every tree was excited, bowing to the roaring storm, waving, swirling, tossing their branches in glorious enthusiasm like worship. But though to the outer ear these trees are now silent, their songs never cease. Every hidden cell is throbbing with music and life, every fiber thrilling like harp strings, while incense is ever flowing from the balsam bells and leaves. No wonder the hills and groves were God's first temples, and the more they are cut down and hewn into cathedrals and churches, the farther off and dimmer seems the Lord himself.
~John Muir

Anyway, thanks for reading. If anyone is handing out free hugs, I'll take one.

done fighting change.

I literally sat at my computer, staring at the screen, unsure of what to write. stupid writer's block. Then I realized, I have yet to update my blog-reading populous of the ending of an era for me.

About two weeks ago, I worked my last day at SGHS for my internship. The feelings I had were mixed with expected and unexpected. For those of you who don't know me very well, change is not something I enjoy or anticipate. In fact, I fight it. When my mom wanted to change the living room up, I tried to convince her not to. When I quit home schooling and started "real" high school, I cried almost every day for the first few weeks. See...I get in a rhythm and become comfortable...and consequently complacent. God likes to shake things up and move it around. And so far, after everything settles a bit, the changes in my life have blessed me beyond what I can imagine.

So. I'm learning to accept change as it comes, knowing that it'll all be ok. Leaving my internship was no exception. I was preparing myself in advance, knowing the day would come when I was leaving. I kept saying to myself, "Suz...it's ok. Change has always ended up good for you. Don't miss out on the last weeks of this because you're worried about the end." See, that's a common theme for me. I am so focused on the end and the date of change that I totally stop enjoying the last moments I have in the place I love. But I wasn't gonna do that this time.

There are few adequate words to describe what working Probation was like for me. I loved every aspect of it. Sure, filing paperwork isn't riveting and scanning documents can be tedious...but seriously, I loved it all. My supervisor probably thought I was just kissing up and trying to make a good impression. Then I'm pretty sure he thought I was just plain crazy.

Reading case files, talking to kids, listening to parents, lunch-time supervision, writing reports, sitting in on court, attending school meetings...everything was an adventure and learning experience. Plus it combines all the things that I would consider are my passions: hurting/broken kids, speaking spanish, spreading the light and love of Jesus, crime and Los Angeles.

I'd leave every day with a smile on my face and think to myself, "THIS is what I was meant to do." I was amazed at how well a job can fit someone so well. Sometimes it feels like cheating to enjoy a profession so much.

Anyone who knows me can attest. One day I got home from internship and my cousin was at my house and he said, "Wow...you must love what you do because your face is really happy and glowing." And my parents have heard enough stories to satisfy any crime-craving-curiosity they might have had for the rest of their lives.

So ending this era was hard for me. I went home and wrote down every one of my kids' names in my journal so I wouldn't forget them and keep them as a prayer list. (Ha..."my kids"...I'm so possessive!) But I have invested time into these kids. I've read their files, I've had meetings with them, I've handed out consequences, I've tracked grades/attendance, I've met with their parents, I've been to their court hearings, I've even been to one of their houses. and I want to know where they end up. Ugh...my supervisor said I was always more Social-worker than Probation officer. Trust me, though...I had no problem sending them to camp or putting them on house arrest if they needed it. I feel I was very well balanced =) (and just fyi, no I didn't get to make those final decisions...I was JUST the intern. But my supervisor did let me toss my ideas out there to consider)

I will miss my supervisor. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to teach me the ropes of the profession. We made such a great team. Imagine us walking around campus at lunch time. He's tall, big and black; I'm short, small and white...and we're surrounded by 3,500 Hispanic kids. we were awesome. So, we'll be in touch. He's convinced I'll spend three weeks in the winter and beg to come back. He also said he's looking for Probation jobs for me so that I HAVE to come back.

I knew the school, the counselors, the dean, the student aides. All familiar faces that I will probably never see again.

ugh...and I'm moving to Minnesota. a lifetime away from that high school in Southern California. Whaaaat am I thinking!?

At this point, though, the future is exciting...and I honestly don't know when or where I'll work probation again. God knows how much I love it. He'll know when I get to work it again. In the mean time, I'm going to enjoy the changes my life is taking. Because seriously, I get to nanny my adorable niece. and live in an awesome lil' loft. and bond with my brother and sister-in-law. These are awesome changes. It's one of the first times I've been able to hand it all over to God and trust my passions/skills/experiences with him. Because he gave them to me...he'll know what to do with them and he'll keep them safe until I use them in Probation again.


So to the kids and PO of SGHS, it's been fun...seriously. and it's been real. more real than I could have asked for. Pretty sure I'll never forget you guys and all the grief you gave me ;) I will continue to pray for you all. And I plan on checking in with the PO to see where all of you end up on your next court dates. Your lives and hearts mean so much to me. adios muchachos.

C# minor

That is my favorite chord. I cannot explain this very well... but whenever I play it on the piano, it just fits with my inner-musical-heart. like intertwining fingers. I was playing a song on the piano tonight that had that chord in it...and whenever I would play it, my insides just sighed and i think they smiled too.

ugh, that sounds so weird. its really challenging trying to explain what fitting music feels like.

Anyway. this is sort of a random, semi-informative blog about my life. with pictures. Lots of pictures. you're welcome.


First off, several weeks ago, I went to my Aunt and Uncle's house for dinner, when they had all their local kids and grandkids over. SO much fun...lots of lively energy. And here are some pictures.


Princesses J & S showing off their princess collection. they play so well together!



The ever-growing Fischer! Pretty content to sit on the ground with a water-bottle.




Post-dinner Bible stories on Grandpa's lap. Sweet moment.




Sibling love!



~~~~~~~~~

Now we skip ahead to the most epic wind-storm EVER. Almost every fall, Southern California experiences the Santa Ana winds, created by the Santa Ana pass. Normally they can get brisk, and are warm-ish and are one of my favorite features of living here. But this year, it was like living "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs." Seriously. It started on a wednesday night at Bible study. it went from breezy to stormy in a half hour. then the power went out. and it continued all through the night. It felt like our house would blow down. I have never heard such howling wind. I kept expecting Giant Hamburgers to be rolling down the street. Or a humongous pickle to land in my roof. Or to see the schools covered in monstrous pancakes.

Here is the aftermath. They said the winds were anywhere from 57-97 mph in places. Hurricane status. My dad has lived here his whole life (it's a lot of years...but i'll keep it vague for his sake ;) and he has never seen anything this bad. They condemned houses, power was out for close to a week in some areas, people's cars were smashed, monumental trees that had stayed standing for decades were toppled...it was epic and ridiculous.


A Magnolia tree limb in the middle of the road, down the street from my house. Turns out, Magnolia's and Palms are some of the messiest or precarious trees for a storm. pines are messy too.



The Base of a Palm that just snapped off.



And the top of the same palm that snapped off.




This was the front of our house. this shows the minimal amount of junk there was everywhere. but it was pretty thrashed.



Our beloved Acorn tree in the front yard started pulling up the grass and leaning to one side. So we thought we'd try and save it by driving Simon over the grass to tamp it down. It didn't make it lean back the right way, but it IS still standing. ish. with a lean.

Overall, it was a crazy experience. there are a lot more pictures online...these are just mine I took. It really gave me a glimpse into the power of God. I mean, that wind was no joke. and we are at the mercy of God...because there is no controlling those elements.


~~~~~~~~~

On to a tragic story from Indiana. *disclaimer: There is no one to blame for the following incident. it was an accident and could happen to any average Tom, Dick or Harry. Just sayin."

We were singing in the basement. about to start the last verse of "It is Well." Kaitlyn runs down the stairs yelling something, but the singing is too loud we can't hear her. Many of us were wondering how she could be so rude as to interrupt our worship. she runs over and yells again, "THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!"

it got real quiet, real quick. we all ran upstairs. smoke was filling the dining room. we all ran outside. i caught a glimpse in the kitchen. the table was on fire. we called 911. someone brought the burning things outside. where was the fire extinguisher? lots of yelling. too much yelling. it was really cold outside.

the remains:

Brandon's jacket caught on fire from the candles. that is what is left of it. it was a pretty swell jacket.

there was also a harmonica case that burnt. ruined like two harmonicas.


This was the table post-fire. it wasn't as bad as we first thought. still traumatizing.


~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright. This is my friend Megan.


She's awesome. No, seriously...one of my greatest friends.

Sometimes we get bored of just sitting around talking. so we do crazy stuff...like go to CVS. There's a lot more there than one would previous realize.


like a fluffy blanket for like $3 and these awesome glitter-coloring things.



#winning


Later I met up with my other dear friend from college, Azlin


We went to my old place of work and sat at the counter for about 2 hours, talking to servers, busboys and cooks. (one of which totally took care of our tab! Gracias Miguel!) But it was so great to just hang out and catch up. If I'm completely honest, I really miss working there.

and I love Azlin a lot too. She talks spanish to me and makes me practice. She's Mexican. I love anything Mexican.


~~~~~~~~~~~

Hung out with this awesome group of girls the other day


Maggie, Carissa, Amy, Me & Bethany

we went to this awesome museum thing with this cool Noah's Ark display. Everything was made out of recycled things. pretty incredible.



Like this Alligator. Made from a Violin case, a tire on the back, doorknobs for eyes, gloves covering them to give it facial expression, and it was eating part of the violin. SO creative and awesome.



This is Amy doing something awesome.


This is Bethany in the animal-food-chamber-thing. She was fascinated by the different nuts n stuff.


~~~~~~~~~~

And tonight...


YAY CHRISTMAS CARDS! no, really...I'm glad they're done. Turns out, we know a LOT of people.



So there you have it, folks. a bit of my life in pictures. Life has been good and busy. And it is only about to get busier. Almost exactly a month until I move...and I'm pretty sure I'm in denial about what packing up and leaving is going to mean. And I will probably remain that way until I'm pulling out of my driveway.

It's not really the thought that counts.

I apologize for the break in writing. I know its hard to believe, but i don't live with inspiration oozing out of my pores. Plus it's been a crazy week. I got back from a great trip to Indiana and hit the ground running. I'm packing in lots of friend time. When one moves, one's friends come out of the wood-work and demand all of one's spare hang-out time. (which can be challenging when one has limited funds to spend on the plethora of outings facing her)

*quick break to skype the cute niece*

Ok I'm back. So today in church, we had a visiting minister from St. Louis, and he said some things that really caught my attention.

We read the story in Chronicles of the moving of the Ark of the Covenant. I used to wonder why this story was included, but Loren made a really interesting point.

For those of you who don't know, or are a bit fuzzy, I'll give a quick re-cap. It is a relatively short story...but basically, King David acknowledges that the Ark has been neglected under the rule of former King Saul and calls for it to be moved from the house of this guy Abinadab. This was no small affair. He called all the people from South by Egypt to way up north for this event of moving the Ark. They put it on a new cart for transportation, which was guided by these two guys, Uzzah and Ahio. Then everyone was playing music as loud as they could with all kinds of instruments. I believe the words in my translation were "Celebrating before God with all their might."

Then it happened. I can picture it now. Everyone is singing and playing music loudly, following this in this procession. The roads are rough and have dips and potholes, due to exposure to the elements and frequent travel. The oxen pulling the cart step wrong and stumble, causing the cart to lurch. Not wanting this precious oracle to suffer harm and fall off the wagon, Uzzah reaches out his hand and touches the Ark to steady it.

In that moment, God's anger burned against Uzzah, because he touched the Ark, and he struck him dead, on the spot. Just like that.

I'm sure everyone was stunned. This man literally touched the Ark (a seemingly harmless thing to do) and then dropped over dead.

David didn't understand and got upset with God's outburst of anger. It didn't seem fair at ALL! The guy was just trying to make sure that the sacred Ark was not damaged. But God made it very clear how the Ark was to be handled...and touching it was not part of the deal at ALL.

So now here we sit, wondering why God struck him dead. The thing is, WE are judging the situation by the action/outcome...not by the intention. All we see is the fact that the Ark was falling, and a man steadied it. No big deal, right? And like David, we rush to judging God's decision to strike him dead. This is because we do not understand the intention behind what God did.

How come I judge people so much more harshly than myself? Because I know my intentions, and all I see is their actions. When someone speaks a sharp word, I wonder why they can't control themselves or hold their tongue. But when i speak a sharp word, I know it was just because I had a bad day, or received some rough news, so I have grace for myself.

I cannot begin to understand God. I feel sorta sad for Uzzah. But I cannot judge God's actions. I do know that God takes his law very seriously. There is no excuse for disobeying what God so carefully put in place.

All that to say...here's what I learned.

Lesson regarding myself: Good intentions are not enough. The actions must follow. I cannot doing a wrong action while saying in my head, "well it's not REALLY my intention to be doing this right now...I should be acting better, but I'm doing the best I can." or telling someone after yelling at them, "Well I didn't WANT to yell at you, you just frustrated me so much." (that's a classic blame-shift and good-intention excuse...i've used/thought it many a time, sadly)

Lesson regarding others: Do not judge what we do not know or about that which we assume. We can only truly "pass judgment" or draw conclusions based on God's Word and the Holy Spirit...and even then, we have to be really, REALLY attentive and sure of what God is saying.


So they say it's the thought that counts. But we all know that falls short when said to us in a trite way that disregards the blatantly hurtful actions of the person saying it. When we face Almighty God (the TRUE and ONLY judge) on the Last Day, he won't be saying, "Oh, well i know your intentions were to be a good person...so i'll excuse you're sinful actions." No, no. To whom much is given, much is required. we'll be held accountable for our actions.