Can I be with you?

Today is my day off. When all is said and done, I will have worked 6 days this week.  I am exhausted.  It isn't the work so much as it is the lengthy shifts.  I worked yesterday 9am-10pm.  Granted two of those hours were training, but still...that is a LONG day.  For those of you who asked, I'll tell you a little bit about my job.  As a disclaimer, HIPAA keeps me from sharing many details...so if you wonder if I'm being purposefully vague, the answer is yes.  

This job is unlike any I've ever done.  Which is both exciting and terrifying.  I have never worked with people who have mental illness or TBIs (Traumatic Brain Injuries).  And I have never worked with adults.  When I was interviewed and offered the job, they told me the adolescent program wasn't opening up quite yet and that they were going to place me in an adult foster home in the mean time.  He said, "If you can't work with adults, you won't be able to work with kids."  

Inside, I was protesting, "Umm....definitely NOT the case.  I would much rather handle kids than adults."

But I have to say that as stretching as this assignment has been, I have learned a lot.  

knowing how independent some of our residents are (spending 3-6 hours of alone time in the community doing whatever they want), it makes me wonder how many people walking around me have backgrounds and diagnoses like my residents.  

As a quick synopsis, I work in a residential home with 4 residents.  There are 2-3 staff there all day, and 1 staff overnight.  We are there as support, medication administers, we teach them life skills, encourage positive and healthy lifestyle choices and de-escalate individuals who may have manic episodes, anxiety or any other number of behaviors.  Our vision at O.R. (the company I work for) is to be able to provide a rehabilitative team approach to working with these residents.  The belief is that they CAN get better and learn to be assimilated back into the community for independent living.  

But this can take years.  and there are some who probably will never live out of Adult Foster care.  

But I am grateful to be working for a company that is actually invested in the lives of these adults...and eventually children, with the program I'm going in to.  

But oh, my heart hurts when I see these people.  Working day in and day out with individuals who cannot function in "normal, everyday life" (whatever that is.)  They swing constantly on a pendulum of making goals and working to achieve them, and then getting angry, anxious, depressed etc... and taking it out on us as staff or their housemates and doing behaviors that can cause major or minor setbacks.  

Yesterday we were doing training and going over our philosophy as a company.  Our trainer focused on the importance of trying not to look too big-picture.  If we come to work every day hoping to see significant progress toward their end goal, we will leave disappointed and ultimately burn out.  He said if we can narrow our view to just today, we will see more progress and victories.  Comparing our residents to how they were two years ago, we'll see the progress they've made and that this actually is working. 

So I cling to little victories.  Residents that help each other out with their daily chores, without being asked because they know how tired their roommate is.  Giving their evening earned incentive of $0.50 to a roommate because he didn't have quite enough money to go to the Halloween dance.  An unexpected "Thank you, Suzy" from the resident who rarely shows manners.  The resident who walked me through administering his meds on my first day of passing them solo.  The resident who was yelled at by his roommate for something he didn't do came back later and apologized to the guy who yelled at him for any misunderstanding and gave him a rock from his rock collection as a peace offering.

These are the moments that give me hope.

These are the moments I send a little "Thanks" up to God for reminding me that there is hope and that he did in fact create these bodies and minds just the way they are and he loves them. 

So I pray for these guys.  It keeps me sane.  Because I'm only human and I get frustrated.  I get weary of always being on guard... watching what I say, anticipating and putting out fires, not letting my emotions show on my face.  My heart may be pounding and I may be freaking out inside...but I can't let them see that.

 So honestly, there are days I want to throw up my hands and walk out.  But I stay. 

Because God loves the broken ones. 

and if I'm being honest with myself, I am broken too...

Fall pictures! 

Trees losing leaves. 

Trees with leaves of different brilliant colors!  

love this view. 

Trees who have lost ALL their leaves.

sky through the trees. 

me walking through the trees.

tall and glorious trees.  

Trees and the sunset.

Fall was really beautiful this year...and altogether too short.  

We just had our first snow on Tuesday. 

Crazy part is...I was enamored by it all over again.  Until I realized that it won't melt and go back to 70 degrees.  It will stay...melt...freeze...snow again...and the cycle will continue.  

Now I get to tack on an extra 10 minutes to my commute because it truly is a jungle out there. 

I'm going to leave you with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs right now.  I listen to this song on my way to work almost every morning:

Everybody, each and all, we're gonna die eventually. 

 It's no more or less our fault than it is our destiny.

So now Lord I come to you, asking only for your grace.

You know what I've put myself through, all those empty dreams I chased.

So when my body lies in the ruins of the lies that nearly ruined me

would you pick up the pieces that were pure and true 

and breathe your life into them, and set them free. 

and when you start this world over again from scratch, 

will you make me anew out of the stuff that lasts

stuff that's purer than gold, is clearer than glass will ever be.

Can I be with you?

And everybody, all and each from the day that we are born

we have to learn to walk beneath those mercies by which we're drawn

And now we wrestle in the dark with these angels that we can't see

We will move on, although through the scars...Oh Lord, move inside me.

And when you blast this cosmos to kingdom come, 

when those jagged edged mountains I love are gone, 

when the sky is crossed with the tears of a thousand falling suns 

as they crash into the sea, then can I be with you?

(Be with you: rich mullins)

link to song

peace.

p.s. i'm changing my domain name:  it will no longer be suzyklotzle.blogspot.com

it is now:

mrsdill.blogspot.com