It all led me straight to this

Have you ever been driving, so lost in thought that when you arrive at your destination, you wonder how in the world you got there...alive!? Yeah this happens to me a lot, as I tend to get lost in thought as I drive.  

And it actually happens to me quite a bit.  I look at my life right now and wonder how I got here.  and I mean "here" as in spot in life, not "here" as in my couch. 

Let me back up...because there is a clear pathway of how I got here.  

3 years ago-ish, I had an awesome plan for after graduation.  Some friends of mine had a house that they were going to generously let me rent for dirt cheap in a nice neighborhood.  I was going to live with my best friend, and I was going to work for the LA County Juvenile Probation Department and live my life until God brought my spouse and landed him in my lap.  And even if it took a while for that, it didn't matter, because I would be living on my own and living my life.  It felt perfect...and totally at the hand of God.  

Then a few months before graduation, that housing situation unexpectedly fell through.  And it was devastating.  I no longer knew what I was going to do...and I felt a lot of frustration and hurt, because it had all seemed so orchestrated by God.  

All of those plans for freedom and maturity and grabbing life by the horns totally slipped through my fingers, as I suddenly found myself preparing to move back into my parents house.  (not exactly feeling ideal at this point).  

Post graduation, I moved back in with my parents and continued working at the restaurant I had been working at through college.  There was a hiring freeze for LA Probation, and I was stuck finding another job closer to my parents house, that made me money to put away and save.  The only option was an upscale restaurant...because I was planning on pursuing my career as soon as the freeze lifted (they predicted like 6 months, but of course it was grossly mis-forcasted).  I began to ask a lot of questions and wonder what God was doing.  

During this time, I was also going through two other challenging relationship situations.  There were difficult conversations, painful space taken for good reasons...and a lot more questions of why this was happening.  

I went on an epic road trip with two of my close friends and had the time of my life.  We drove across the country, had real conversations, laughs, adventures...and it was really good for me.  One of my best memories from that time in my life.  But then I had to come back to "real life."

This all continued for a few more weeks, until that fateful day in late august/early september of 2011.  I got a phone call from my older brother and sis-in-law.  They rarely called me individually, much less together.  And I knew right away what was up.  And sure enough...they were expecting baby #2! I was so excited to become an aunt again.  During the course of the conversation, it was jokingly mentioned that I should move there and nanny for them!  We had just passed through St. Paul on our road trip and it was super fun! (it was summer...) and I thought I could totally live there.  

Not too long after that, they called me back and seriously offered me a position.  I was super excited!  It would be a short-term adventure...living out of state, being super-auntie and then wrapping it up and coming back to LA to work probation when the freeze actually lifted.  

I packed the next months full of friends, work, family, weddings and all my favorite CA experiences.  

With enthusiasm, I went thrift-store shopping with my mom to buy stuff for my new home (I was going to live in J&K's loft by myself!!) sorted through all my things, strategically stuffed Simon full to the brim of all my earthly posessions and on January 16th, set off across the country with my mom...saying only a temporary goodbye, knowing I would be back soon. 

Tears flowed as I drove down Sierra Bonita with my mom...we were both silent, the weight of this finally sinking in after the whirlwind of the last few months.  I still remember the first song that played as we drove off...and it still makes me cry when I hear it today.  

...and then all of the sudden, here I am.  Married.  Living in Minneapolis.  Working.  I have a dog.  a house.  I go grocery shopping at my favorite store.  I have a favorite store.  I am finally able to get around without a map.  I have in-laws.  I go to potlucks.  I teach sunday school. 

And I never went back to CA like I thought I would.

I think about all that stuff that I went through before I moved here and how painful it was.  And yet I wouldn't be here if it weren't for various doors closing and others opening.  

All of the memories and sweet relationship I have built with my niece, nephew, brother and sister.  It was worth it. 

Living in Downtown St. Paul with a new puppy and disgruntled neighbors.  It was worth it. 

Missing my friends and taking a step to make new ones...and discovering TBS (the girls I do weekly Bible study with).  It was worth it. 

Building and growing relationship with my parents and brother (which sometimes needs some space to do healthily...absence does make the heart grow fonder).  It was worth it.

Meeting Ben with a heart that had renewed committment to marry someone that loved the Lord, that I loved with my whole heart.  It was worth it. 

So I look back over all of thise and I can't help but conclude that this was all meant to be.  I would have never made it here if certain things hadn't happened the way they had.  Orchestrations had a key change, and went into a minor second movement...but they are still at the hand of God...and beautiful.  

Some of the journey was painful...and pieces still are at times.  Some of those really painful moments are forever seared into my memory...and if I think on them, I can still feel the depth of emotion I had then.  Some of these things caused me a lot of hurt, and yet I still say confidently it was worth it.  As I type, I can't stop the tears...because...well I don't really know why.  I don't know how to explain something that has caused so much sadness, and so much joy too.  I guess it is exactly what James meant when he said, "Consider it all joy, my brothers when you encounter different trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance (or perserverance).  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  

So I guess this has all been part of the perfecting/completing process.  And for that, I can truly say, it was and is worth it.  

And I will go forth with joy, taking on the next thing God brings me.  If it includes disappointment, hurt or let-down, I want to remember the faithfulness of God, and that it will culminate into something greater and more beautiful....if not here on earth, then in Glory.    

the ups and downs.

Today I realized that I am not consistently blogging...and not consistently journaling...and it hit me...I NEED THIS PART OF MY LIFE DOCUMENTED! 

So here I am, documenting.  

As I type, my sweet husband is in the back yard, springing it up.  He loves it, I love it...the dog loves it.  win, win...win.  Our lives are about to get crazy, so we are enjoying a nice saturday here at our home.  which may not be our home much longer.  we are looking around the area for another house to rent, as our landlord wants to raise our rent, and it is lacking a few things that are important to us if we're going to pay more for housing.  Anyway, back on track.  

Updates. 

Ben: He is doing well!  Work at the greenhouses is finally getting a little less crazy.  At least as far as his job description is concerned.  Production has been coordinated, now it is up to retail to sell, and wholesale to ship product.   He has been working between 5-15 hours of overtime a week.  And since I love him so much, I'll just share that he is a winner of a husband.  Not only does he eat all my meals and tell me they are so yummy, he also helps me do chores I don't like doing (vacuuming, dishes etc...) and even ones I don't mind (laundry, dinner prep, dog duty).  I am super blessed to have a husband who knows me well and is willing to really work along side me.  We make a pretty great team. 

Sierra:  This ornery little canine!  I was SO upset the other night.  I had just given her a bath (she rolled in a compost pile/dead animal at my in-laws), and smelled sooo rank.  Then the next evening in our back yard, she found a window well with dead rotting leaves, old water and probably a dead animal or two, and rolled in it.  A DAY AFTER I HAD JUST BATHED HER!!!!  *sigh*  I may or may not have been a little irrationally angry.  So today I gave her ANOTHER bath in the span of three days...and Ben is cleaning out the window well.  Rough thing about summer is it is harder to keep her clean.  In addition to those adventures, she has proceeded to make caging her up during the day quite an adventure.  She tore a 6 ft 2x4 beam off of her cage structure  (it was nailed and screwed) in attempt to escape.  

We still love her. 

Me:  Well I have to say that my whole being breathed a sigh of relief to see that the weather no longer dips below the 50s during the day.  And granted, the past week or so has been super gloomy and rainy, so I am still waiting on the sunshine (which we finally got some today)...but boy is it nice to have mild weather.  As far as work goes, I am still at the school but now have a consistent and new assigment! this is a good thing.  And I take it as a compliment because my participation on this team (me and another lady) was practically begged for...and it is working with possibly the most difficult student in the school.  Ok, so I was the only one really available to work with her, but still...

I have never experienced a child like this one.  And I have experienced quite a variety of children.  Here is a snippet of a real "conversation"  I had with her.  (I put conversation in quotes because it generally is her talking/arguing with herself...)

We are sitting at a table, and she is doing her work.  I am lost in thought and zoning out (not even looking at her).  and she says (in the sassiest most rude tone you can imagine in your head), "Why are you staring at me?  I can't get any work done if you keep distracting me.  Are you trying to get me to fail?"  

Me:  I wasn't staring, I was thinking.  Stay focused on your work.

her: Well I would stay focused, but you're talking to me and distracting me.  

Me:  *silence for a few moments as she struggles to complete her work*  Do you want me to help you?

Her:  I didn't ask for help, did I?  I'm not dumb.  Are you saying I'm dumb, is that why you wanted to help me?  You're the dumb one.  And if you make me look dumb, I'll make you look retarded. Because I don't need nobody telling me what to do.  I'm my own person, and nobody's doormat.  So you can't make me do anything I don't want to do.

Me:  You're right.  I can't make you.  But I hope you make a good choice right now and stay focused on your work, I'll just sit here quietly until you're finished.  

Her:  Oh so now you won't help me?  I need help, but you're just gonna sit there and refuse to help me.  What is the point of you being here if you're not going to help me but just sit there and stare at me.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  By the way, can I go to dance class today? because I've been doing good.

Me:  the last few minutes you have not been very respectful to me, and dance is a privilege you have to earn by being respectful, following the direction and completing your work.  As of right now, your chances of going are pretty slim.  You know how to fix it, though.  So do that, and we'll see about dance. 

Her: Well I'm going.  You can't stop me.  I make my own decisions and you can't tell me what to do.  

And this is how my day goes. for 6.5 hours (I get a 30 minute lunch break).  It is difficult, because engaging leads to argument, no matter how neutral my responses are.  She will argue with herself by putting words in my mouth, "so what you're saying is I'm a terrible person.  Well you're wrong because...[lists reasons why I'm the terrible person]).  If I ignore her and just sit quietly, she will ask me a million questions about why I'm quiet and ignoring her.  If I speak sternly to her, she gets in my face and tells me I'm not her mom and it's no wonder she is disrespectful because I am too.  If I give her a deserved compliment/encouragement, she tells me I'm lying and that she is really a bad person.  If I just calmly repeat the expectation/direction, she says, "I heard you, I'm not deaf...but I don't have to do what you tell me.  If I do do it, it is because I'm choosing to, not because you made me."

No one tactic works.  What is wildly successful one day will completely bomb the next.  A moment of peace and respect will flip to disrespect and illogical arguments so quickly that sometimes I have to keep from laughing at how utterly ridiculous she sounds.  At the advice of a dear friend from my home church in CA, I am trying a new tactic for an incentive/consequence program that is designed more for younger children.  Unfortunately I think she is emotionally stunted pretty young and so it will appeal to her.  Monday is the launch date...so you can keep us in your prayers.  

Oh yeah, and did I mention how old she is?  NINE YEARS OLD.  Sometimes I excuse myself, go into the bathroom (we are on the Pre-K floor, so they are tiny stalls with short doors.) I squeeze myself into the stall and take a deep breath and say a prayer.  Because when I take a moment to think about this girl beyond how frustrating she is, and how little headway we seem to be making...I am struck at how sad it all is.  There are good reasons she is the way she is (reasons I won't go into here).  I am sad for her future beyond this year.  If she doesn't come back next year, the count will be at 7 schools since Kindergarten.  I am afraid she will get older and make a drastic mistake because she doesn't know how to function with any sort of moral/ethical/social compass.  So...20 days left of school.  Praying for a miracle.  And for patience/strength of my teammate, my supervisor and I.  

Sorry...that became sort of lengthy...and about my job AGAIN.  But I am encountering and learning so many new things that I love sharing them with people.  I am blessed to have a strong support network and people who speak kind and encouraging words to me, after spending so much time getting berated, falsly accused, lied to, and yelled at by a kid.  

Here are some more pictures depicting blessing in my life:

We went to IL last weekend for various activities with Ben's extended family.  But Sunday morning we had breakfast with his grandparents (not pictured) and two very special ladies:  My great-aunt Laura and a dear friend Carol.  It was so sweet to spend time among such wisdom and sweetness!  

Lake Hiawatha at sunset (it's only a few blocks from our house)

Love me some weeping willow. 

I love the contrast here of bare tree brances against a sunset-sky.  

We really are buddies despite her mischief.  She has been with me almost all of my adventure here in MN...and for that reason, she means a lot to me. 

And then there are these cuties.  Took them to the mall to hang out...just like old times. Oh how I love them.  

Well, that's it for today. 

au revoir.