Silence is Golden: the ups and downs.

Today I realized that I am not consistently blogging...and not consistently journaling...and it hit me...I NEED THIS PART OF MY LIFE DOCUMENTED!

So here I am, documenting.

As I type, my sweet husband is in the back yard, springing it up. He loves it, I love it...the dog loves it. win, win...win. Our lives are about to get crazy, so we are enjoying a nice saturday here at our home. which may not be our home much longer. we are looking around the area for another house to rent, as our landlord wants to raise our rent, and it is lacking a few things that are important to us if we're going to pay more for housing. Anyway, back on track.

Updates.

Ben: He is doing well! Work at the greenhouses is finally getting a little less crazy. At least as far as his job description is concerned. Production has been coordinated, now it is up to retail to sell, and wholesale to ship product. He has been working between 5-15 hours of overtime a week. And since I love him so much, I'll just share that he is a winner of a husband. Not only does he eat all my meals and tell me they are so yummy, he also helps me do chores I don't like doing (vacuuming, dishes etc...) and even ones I don't mind (laundry, dinner prep, dog duty). I am super blessed to have a husband who knows me well and is willing to really work along side me. We make a pretty great team.

Sierra: This ornery little canine! I was SO upset the other night. I had just given her a bath (she rolled in a compost pile/dead animal at my in-laws), and smelled sooo rank. Then the next evening in our back yard, she found a window well with dead rotting leaves, old water and probably a dead animal or two, and rolled in it. A DAY AFTER I HAD JUST BATHED HER!!!! *sigh* I may or may not have been a little irrationally angry. So today I gave her ANOTHER bath in the span of three days...and Ben is cleaning out the window well. Rough thing about summer is it is harder to keep her clean. In addition to those adventures, she has proceeded to make caging her up during the day quite an adventure. She tore a 6 ft 2x4 beam off of her cage structure (it was nailed and screwed) in attempt to escape.

We still love her.

Me: Well I have to say that my whole being breathed a sigh of relief to see that the weather no longer dips below the 50s during the day. And granted, the past week or so has been super gloomy and rainy, so I am still waiting on the sunshine (which we finally got some today)...but boy is it nice to have mild weather. As far as work goes, I am still at the school but now have a consistent and new assigment! this is a good thing. And I take it as a compliment because my participation on this team (me and another lady) was practically begged for...and it is working with possibly the most difficult student in the school. Ok, so I was the only one really available to work with her, but still...

I have never experienced a child like this one. And I have experienced quite a variety of children. Here is a snippet of a real "conversation" I had with her. (I put conversation in quotes because it generally is her talking/arguing with herself...)

We are sitting at a table, and she is doing her work. I am lost in thought and zoning out (not even looking at her). and she says (in the sassiest most rude tone you can imagine in your head), "Why are you staring at me? I can't get any work done if you keep distracting me. Are you trying to get me to fail?"

Me: I wasn't staring, I was thinking. Stay focused on your work.

her: Well I would stay focused, but you're talking to me and distracting me.

Me: *silence for a few moments as she struggles to complete her work* Do you want me to help you?

Her: I didn't ask for help, did I? I'm not dumb. Are you saying I'm dumb, is that why you wanted to help me? You're the dumb one. And if you make me look dumb, I'll make you look retarded. Because I don't need nobody telling me what to do. I'm my own person, and nobody's doormat. So you can't make me do anything I don't want to do.

Me: You're right. I can't make you. But I hope you make a good choice right now and stay focused on your work, I'll just sit here quietly until you're finished.

Her: Oh so now you won't help me? I need help, but you're just gonna sit there and refuse to help me. What is the point of you being here if you're not going to help me but just sit there and stare at me. It makes me very uncomfortable. By the way, can I go to dance class today? because I've been doing good.

Me: the last few minutes you have not been very respectful to me, and dance is a privilege you have to earn by being respectful, following the direction and completing your work. As of right now, your chances of going are pretty slim. You know how to fix it, though. So do that, and we'll see about dance.

Her: Well I'm going. You can't stop me. I make my own decisions and you can't tell me what to do.

And this is how my day goes. for 6.5 hours (I get a 30 minute lunch break). It is difficult, because engaging leads to argument, no matter how neutral my responses are. She will argue with herself by putting words in my mouth, "so what you're saying is I'm a terrible person. Well you're wrong because...[lists reasons why I'm the terrible person]). If I ignore her and just sit quietly, she will ask me a million questions about why I'm quiet and ignoring her. If I speak sternly to her, she gets in my face and tells me I'm not her mom and it's no wonder she is disrespectful because I am too. If I give her a deserved compliment/encouragement, she tells me I'm lying and that she is really a bad person. If I just calmly repeat the expectation/direction, she says, "I heard you, I'm not deaf...but I don't have to do what you tell me. If I do do it, it is because I'm choosing to, not because you made me."

No one tactic works. What is wildly successful one day will completely bomb the next. A moment of peace and respect will flip to disrespect and illogical arguments so quickly that sometimes I have to keep from laughing at how utterly ridiculous she sounds. At the advice of a dear friend from my home church in CA, I am trying a new tactic for an incentive/consequence program that is designed more for younger children. Unfortunately I think she is emotionally stunted pretty young and so it will appeal to her. Monday is the launch date...so you can keep us in your prayers.

Oh yeah, and did I mention how old she is? NINE YEARS OLD. Sometimes I excuse myself, go into the bathroom (we are on the Pre-K floor, so they are tiny stalls with short doors.) I squeeze myself into the stall and take a deep breath and say a prayer. Because when I take a moment to think about this girl beyond how frustrating she is, and how little headway we seem to be making...I am struck at how sad it all is. There are good reasons she is the way she is (reasons I won't go into here). I am sad for her future beyond this year. If she doesn't come back next year, the count will be at 7 schools since Kindergarten. I am afraid she will get older and make a drastic mistake because she doesn't know how to function with any sort of moral/ethical/social compass. So...20 days left of school. Praying for a miracle. And for patience/strength of my teammate, my supervisor and I.

Sorry...that became sort of lengthy...and about my job AGAIN. But I am encountering and learning so many new things that I love sharing them with people. I am blessed to have a strong support network and people who speak kind and encouraging words to me, after spending so much time getting berated, falsly accused, lied to, and yelled at by a kid.

Here are some more pictures depicting blessing in my life:

We went to IL last weekend for various activities with Ben's extended family. But Sunday morning we had breakfast with his grandparents (not pictured) and two very special ladies: My great-aunt Laura and a dear friend Carol. It was so sweet to spend time among such wisdom and sweetness!