It all led me straight to this

Have you ever been driving, so lost in thought that when you arrive at your destination, you wonder how in the world you got there...alive!? Yeah this happens to me a lot, as I tend to get lost in thought as I drive.  

And it actually happens to me quite a bit.  I look at my life right now and wonder how I got here.  and I mean "here" as in spot in life, not "here" as in my couch. 

Let me back up...because there is a clear pathway of how I got here.  

3 years ago-ish, I had an awesome plan for after graduation.  Some friends of mine had a house that they were going to generously let me rent for dirt cheap in a nice neighborhood.  I was going to live with my best friend, and I was going to work for the LA County Juvenile Probation Department and live my life until God brought my spouse and landed him in my lap.  And even if it took a while for that, it didn't matter, because I would be living on my own and living my life.  It felt perfect...and totally at the hand of God.  

Then a few months before graduation, that housing situation unexpectedly fell through.  And it was devastating.  I no longer knew what I was going to do...and I felt a lot of frustration and hurt, because it had all seemed so orchestrated by God.  

All of those plans for freedom and maturity and grabbing life by the horns totally slipped through my fingers, as I suddenly found myself preparing to move back into my parents house.  (not exactly feeling ideal at this point).  

Post graduation, I moved back in with my parents and continued working at the restaurant I had been working at through college.  There was a hiring freeze for LA Probation, and I was stuck finding another job closer to my parents house, that made me money to put away and save.  The only option was an upscale restaurant...because I was planning on pursuing my career as soon as the freeze lifted (they predicted like 6 months, but of course it was grossly mis-forcasted).  I began to ask a lot of questions and wonder what God was doing.  

During this time, I was also going through two other challenging relationship situations.  There were difficult conversations, painful space taken for good reasons...and a lot more questions of why this was happening.  

I went on an epic road trip with two of my close friends and had the time of my life.  We drove across the country, had real conversations, laughs, adventures...and it was really good for me.  One of my best memories from that time in my life.  But then I had to come back to "real life."

This all continued for a few more weeks, until that fateful day in late august/early september of 2011.  I got a phone call from my older brother and sis-in-law.  They rarely called me individually, much less together.  And I knew right away what was up.  And sure enough...they were expecting baby #2! I was so excited to become an aunt again.  During the course of the conversation, it was jokingly mentioned that I should move there and nanny for them!  We had just passed through St. Paul on our road trip and it was super fun! (it was summer...) and I thought I could totally live there.  

Not too long after that, they called me back and seriously offered me a position.  I was super excited!  It would be a short-term adventure...living out of state, being super-auntie and then wrapping it up and coming back to LA to work probation when the freeze actually lifted.  

I packed the next months full of friends, work, family, weddings and all my favorite CA experiences.  

With enthusiasm, I went thrift-store shopping with my mom to buy stuff for my new home (I was going to live in J&K's loft by myself!!) sorted through all my things, strategically stuffed Simon full to the brim of all my earthly posessions and on January 16th, set off across the country with my mom...saying only a temporary goodbye, knowing I would be back soon. 

Tears flowed as I drove down Sierra Bonita with my mom...we were both silent, the weight of this finally sinking in after the whirlwind of the last few months.  I still remember the first song that played as we drove off...and it still makes me cry when I hear it today.  

...and then all of the sudden, here I am.  Married.  Living in Minneapolis.  Working.  I have a dog.  a house.  I go grocery shopping at my favorite store.  I have a favorite store.  I am finally able to get around without a map.  I have in-laws.  I go to potlucks.  I teach sunday school. 

And I never went back to CA like I thought I would.

I think about all that stuff that I went through before I moved here and how painful it was.  And yet I wouldn't be here if it weren't for various doors closing and others opening.  

All of the memories and sweet relationship I have built with my niece, nephew, brother and sister.  It was worth it. 

Living in Downtown St. Paul with a new puppy and disgruntled neighbors.  It was worth it. 

Missing my friends and taking a step to make new ones...and discovering TBS (the girls I do weekly Bible study with).  It was worth it. 

Building and growing relationship with my parents and brother (which sometimes needs some space to do healthily...absence does make the heart grow fonder).  It was worth it.

Meeting Ben with a heart that had renewed committment to marry someone that loved the Lord, that I loved with my whole heart.  It was worth it. 

So I look back over all of thise and I can't help but conclude that this was all meant to be.  I would have never made it here if certain things hadn't happened the way they had.  Orchestrations had a key change, and went into a minor second movement...but they are still at the hand of God...and beautiful.  

Some of the journey was painful...and pieces still are at times.  Some of those really painful moments are forever seared into my memory...and if I think on them, I can still feel the depth of emotion I had then.  Some of these things caused me a lot of hurt, and yet I still say confidently it was worth it.  As I type, I can't stop the tears...because...well I don't really know why.  I don't know how to explain something that has caused so much sadness, and so much joy too.  I guess it is exactly what James meant when he said, "Consider it all joy, my brothers when you encounter different trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance (or perserverance).  And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  

So I guess this has all been part of the perfecting/completing process.  And for that, I can truly say, it was and is worth it.  

And I will go forth with joy, taking on the next thing God brings me.  If it includes disappointment, hurt or let-down, I want to remember the faithfulness of God, and that it will culminate into something greater and more beautiful....if not here on earth, then in Glory.