hope.

I've been thinking about a post about hope for several days now.  But it might not be about what you think.  Also bear with me...I have had a muddled mix of thoughts and am only organizing them now, so my conclusions might change between now and the end.

  I was driving with a friend last night and we were talking about some hard things we've been going through, and about how the good/bad things in life ebb and flow.  And I said how I was going to write a blog about hope, and after a pause stated emphatically,  "because hope really stinks sometimes."  To which she replied, "Totally not where I was expecting you to go with that..."

Basically I have mixed views on hope.  I mean, I know as a believer hope is one of the major things makes living on this earth worth it.  "Hope of life eternal" is a phrase that is not uncommon to many Christian ears. So I guess my mixed views don't have anything to do with my eternal hope, or the hope I have in Jesus Christ...let's just focus on earthly hope. 

"Hope you have a good day today."

"I hope you're feeling better!"

"I hope he calls me back."

"I hope we're ok."

"I hope she realizes she was wrong and changes."

In the span of four commercials on the radio yesterday morning, two of them mentioned hope.  

"We hope you come visit us soon!"  

"Hopefully you can now see the importance of ____"

It's everywhere.  

Merriam-Webster says this about hope: To cherish a desire with anticipation.  

I really like that.  It sounds so full of life...so active...so hopeful.  

Hope is at the core of survival.  People cherish the desire that tomorrow will come and be better...and they do so with enough anticipation that it keeps them alive and sane through some incredibly difficult situations. 

But there's a flip side. 

I once heard of an innocent death-row inmate who was awaiting his execution, and was only a few weeks away.  His lawyer and family kept trying to appeal his case.  After a few tries, he asked them to stop.  He said it was easier to just accept the deep despair of dying an innocent man than to have a glimmer of hope and get it crushed if it didn't pan out.    

 Having hope leads to your heart being trampled, broken, crushed and bruised.  We have hope that the next time, they'll treat me better.  We have hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And somehow, even after we are let down time and time again, we get back up, brush ourselves off and get back on the horse.  I'll admit though, that I am often weary of this process.  

CS Lewis also has a quote that came to mind after writing some of this.  Technically he is referring to love, but I think it can apply to hope.  [I'm inserting "hope" where he has "love"]

“To [hope] at all is to be vulnerable. [have hope in] anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To [hope] is to be vulnerable.”

So...Hope means I have to balance how I will react to two different outcomes.  Does that make sense at all?  If I hope that I get the job that moves me across the country, I have to ready myself for that, all the while ready myself for the possibility of not getting the job.  (This also applies hugely to almost every relationship in our life- family, friends, significant others etc...) Some people are true optimists, and will always prepare for the best outcome, not thinking of the negative outcome until faced with it.  Other people are pessimists who always prepare for or expect the worst so they are pleasantly surprised when the better outcome happens. 

I am both-and.  I try to balance it.  I want to weigh the pros and cons of both outcomes and prepare myself mentally or emotionally or however I need to.  This approach, however, takes a lot of thought and can be emotionally draining for me.  It makes me want to crawl in a hole where there are no choices. 

hope hurts.   I want to not have hope. 

Unfortunately for my little conclusion there, the God that I love and serve and who is living inside of me is a God of hope.  He created it, he gifted it to me and so it must be important somehow.  

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. – 1 Peter 1:13

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. – Hebrews 10:23    

Hmm...that's convicting. and relieving.  and makes me smile.  and fills me with confidence.  

So maybe when I said earlier about this not being about God-hope...I shouldn't have separated them.  All hope is God-hope.  And just because there is hope permeating godly and ungodly lives all across the face of this earth just shows how present and involved God is here.    

 I guess that just makes me love Him and want to get to know him more and one day spend eternity with him figuring out what all this is about and for...

...and i cherish that desire with anticipation. 

ThaiCircusERKids

Hello there blog-reading/stalking world.  It has been an eventful weekend/beginning of my week.  So let me begin at the beginning.  

Friday.  

my good dear cousin Dan got back from a summer in Illinois and began doing some orientation at the school he attends.  To catch up, we decided to have a date night.  Our evening included dinner at a fantastic thai place.  For the record, I LOVE Thai food.  And this place was really yummy.  Also had some fun random drinks.  Mine was not Thai related at all, just yummy.  Lime Hibiscus and Clove soda.  SO AMAZING!!! I could drink it all the time.  

 Dan got yummy Thai tea...which supposedly is great.  Honestly, it looked a little questionable...but most of the really good things are that way, right?

Overall it was so nice to hang out with Dan again.  As much as I love my new friends here and always enjoy making more, There is something about having a familiar face that has been around as long as you can remember...someone who knows your story and where you come from.  

Next order of business: New furniture. 

For a while now, I have been looking for something for my bathroom to keep my things in.  I have a pedestal sink and not much cupboard space for my hair/hygiene things.  I was keeping it on a little open metal shelf thing that Krissa gave me, but Sierra kept grabbing things off of it and eating them. So I needed something with doors or drawers.  On my date with Dan, we went thrift-storing (you'd be proud of me, mom).  And I found this gem for $12.99 (+tax).  SUCH a good deal.  And it works perfectly.  hides all my things and keeps them safe from the puppy!

 ENOUGH about all the trivial things in life, ON TO THE MORE EXCITING THINGS.  

So I have this friend named Nikita.  She's pretty wonderful for lots of reasons.  One of the more random and exciting reasons why she's wonderful is because NIKITA IS IN A CIRCUS!  what?! who knows people in the circus.  

Apparently I do.

Anyway, she got us tickets to the Circus Juventas. (Not her circus, but almost as fantastic). 

It is a circus school for youth.  A non-profit put on by this man and his wife.  But it's an AMAZING facility, equipment (according to Niki), costumes etc...

So remember I said this was for youth? I meant it.  The kids you see in these pictures to follow are ages 10-21.  TEN TO TWENTY-ONE!  I was in awe.  And a wee bit envious.  I'll do my best to explain what the pictures are, but it will never do it justice.

 These guys were on each others shoulders.  The top guy was standing on one end of the teeter-totter, while someone jumped on the other end.  He then was launched into the air and landed on the stack of guys already standing there.  AH!

 These guys are juggling bowling-pin type things to each other from on someone's shoulders.  (or two guys' shoulders in the one case).  

TEN TO TWENTY-ONE.  

(I'll keep reminding you so that you remain in awe)

 These two are suspended by hanging on to two separate (unattached) ropes.  just using their strength to hold on.  the bottom guy is hanging on to the top guy.  They are parallel to each other and to the ground.  They are not strapped into anything.  

 This is one of the many high-stacks of boys dismounting.  The blur is one of the guys doing some sort of a jump-flip and being caught by the other boys.

 These two were AMAZING!  The guy is on a trapeze , hanging by his knees.  He is holding the feet of the girl who is upside down.  They did so many twists and jumps and leaps, one of them always hanging on to the trapeze and the other person, neither of them tied off to anything. 

 This was an awesome swing that looked like SO MUCH FUN!  They would swing and then jump off and do twists and flips onto a tumbling pad.  But land it perfectly.  It should really be an olympic sport.  

Ok, I can't even describe how cool this guy was.  There were to people holding this long horizontal beam that was not really stiff, but more bouncy.  So the performer would stand on it, bounce to gain momentum, do a flip into the air and then come back and land perfectly on this beam.  

TEN TO TWENTY-ONE!

 The girls were amazing too. SO flexible and graceful.  These were three girls on a trapeze, all hanging on to each other and the ropes and twisting, flipping etc... not tied off to anything.

 Nikita informed me that while this is supposed to be called "Wheels of Steel", they are referred to as "Wheels of Death."  Awesome.  There are two "wheels" on either end, and they spin around when there is enough momentum.  Think your least favorite carnival ride.  These guys are not strapped in.  Instead they walk around the wheels like hamsters, keeping time so as not to go too fast and fall off.

 It got super interesting when one of the guys began walking on the OUTSIDE of the wheel instead of the inside.  And then balanced on the top.  not tied off to anything.  

 This was probably one of the most impressive acts.  Just the teamwork, the precision and the practice that goes into this.  it is a pyramid of seven on a...

wait for it....

TIGHT ROPE. 

They all had to take their steps together.  They had one kid calling out the steps so they didn't fall.  Once again, not tied off to anything.  And they made it across the entire rope. 

 The ropes were So cool!  they'd just fall from the ceiling and performers would be climbing up and down, doing flips and twists and all sorts of other acrobatic moves.  ON THE ROPES.  not tied off to anything.

 Like so. 

 Top picture:  Cool wheel things they walked around in and did cool flips n stuff in.

Bottom picture:  Same wheel thing, lit on fire, with a guy in it, but he was doing circles on the floor.  More horizontal rather than vertical.   I can't explain it very well.  Think spinning coin that is slowing down.  How it begins to go on the edges around in a circle. 

 Hoop tricks.

 Guys doing more flips off of each other and catching each other.

 Unicyclist balancing a girl over his head as she does random acrobatic tricks. 

TEN TO TWENTY-ONE.

 Girl is doing splits between two ropes (her feet in two little stirrup things on the end of each hanging rope), the guy is SITTING ON HER LEG. 

 Guy doing upside-down splits, girl hanging on below him. 

Overall, the circus was...asldkfajs;dkfaj  (not sure what word to put there).  It was really really good.  I was so glad Nikita took us.  It made me want to be a circus performer.  Or at least get in shape a little bit.  =)

Alright.  Next part of my saga.  Sunday night post-circus, I had a super sudden onset of abdominal pain.  It was uncomfortable, but I've had stomach aches before, so I thought it would go away shortly.  I was wrong.  It stayed all through the night and into the next morning.  When I woke up, I could still move and function, so I prepped to go watch the kids.  About ten minutes before I walked out the door, the pain was so intense I could hardly move.  I couldn't stand up straight, so I had to hobble around hunched over.  I couldn't lay down, only one sitting position sort of worked to ease the intensity.  I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  I wasn't nauseous, (although the pain ended up making me throw up later) and I had no other symptoms.  I called Jim and told him I might be late.  But being the cautious, protective, EMT-trained brother that he is, he asked me how long this had been going on etc... Then suggested I go to the ER or urgent care.  He had Krissa pick me up and take me, since driving myself was out of the question.  

I seriously had never been through anything like this before.  And I'm not one to go to the ER at the first sign of pain.  But its persistence through the night and that I could hardly move concerned me (and my family members apparently).  

I sat at the ER for the better part of the day (11-4), and they concluded that it wasn't a lot of serious things (cyst, infection, STD, appendicitis, etc...) and weren't really able to tell me what it was.  So they told me to keep an eye on it, come back if it localized and take tylenol for the pain. 

 Here I am waiting.  At this point, the pain wasn't as intense, and I was waiting on some test results, so I was kind of bored.  Obviously a photo-op.

 I have never had a wrist-band for the hospital before.  I've never been to the ER or the hospital before for anything other than to see sick people and new babies. 

I'm glad it wasn't too serious.  The intense and constant pain is pretty much gone, although there is still an underlying uncomfortable feeling in my abdomen.  Hmm.  Makes me super grateful for how I normally have really good health.  

My good friends crystal and tanya picked me up and had me over to their house for the evening (they refused to let me go home and recover alone).  They fed me, gave me gatorade to improve my electrolytes and rented a movie to watch together. It seemed like every five minutes one of them was asking me if there was something I needed.  It was so nice to have people come around me and take good care of me.  I know my mom appreciated their care for me too.

Here are some cute kidlet pictures to wrap it up.

 Found Ender's newborn cap from the hospital.  When we put it on, it made him look like a little elf.  His wide eyes are JUST TOO CUTE!  

Miss Karlina loves the pickles!  she's so sweet!

Well that's all for now.  Just an update post this time.  Thanks everyone who knew about me being in the ER and prayed.  Even though I was all by myself, I really appreciated the calls and texts and facebook comments.  Not gonna lie, it's a little scary to do hospital stuff for the first time all on my own with my parents 2,000 mile away.  But I spent some of my time talking to God and realizing that was never alone...not really.  Plus I have some pretty awesome friends/family =)

 

And the summer rolls on....

Here we are again.  SECOND BLOG POST IN ONE WEEK.  I believe this is a record as of late.  

So when I get days off (from nannying and restaurant), I'm supposed to be productive, right?  Clean the loft, run errands, do chores etc... But am I?  Am I ever?  rarely.  I do a lot of sleeping.  

I love sleeping.  Once my dad asked me if I was depressed because I sleep so much.  The answer to that would be no, I'm not depressed.  I'm actually a relatively happy and content individual.  Just really love my feather comforter, pillow and snoozing away.  Helps that I have some good, interesting and adventure-filled dreams.  Another blog post for another time.  Maybe.

Before we get to pictures, I shall tell you that I got my six-month review at work.  SIX MONTHS.  It feels like just last week I was standing bewildered, trying to take it all in on training day #1.  

Not gonna lie, things like "6-month reviews" would normally tend to make me nervous.  But I was pretty calm about this one.  Sometimes I can get...um...defensive when things that I should work on are pointed out to me.  But now I'm an adult, and I can own up to the areas I need work on.  

The review went really well.  My manager went over a lot of different categories that encompass my job as a server in the lounge there at Kincaids.  Basically I'm not fired.  They still like me.  And apparently I'm doing my job pretty well.  So that's always nice.

Alright, on to pictures. 

Tuesday nights I normally get together with some friends of mine.  This week, we got a message from two of the girls hosting saying to show up hungry, dress cute and be ready for a surprise.  I was also asked to make a nice dessert for us all to share.   I was really excited to see what Tanya and Crystal had planned!  

We walked out their back door and they had this little walkway all set up with candles and it looked like a quaint secret garden.

 We entered the garage and they had cleaned it out and set up the sweetest dinner for us! complete with lights, decorations, music and an amazingly yummy food selection!  (Including pasta, bruschetta, fruit salad and broccoli!  All some of my favorite things!)

An old painters ladder was set up with flowers in Mason jars as well as a chalk-board with Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

A yummy drink table where we drank bubbly Trader Joes juices out of fun, fancy glasses.  (By the way, that is some of the yummiest bubbly drink EVER!)

There's Tanya looking cute and happy!

  

Look how beautiful it looks in the dark  from outside the garage!  It was SUCH an amazing evening.  We all decided that Crystal should start a side business in party planning/decorating.

 

I am so blessed to be friends with these girls.  They all have hearts after God, and are fellow journeyers on the path of life.  Such an encouragement to me. 

 

CHILDRENS!!!

 

 Ender is just TOO CUTE!  he is low-key, happy, calm and an overall fantastic baby.

Miss Karlina loves swinging.  But after you push her, she says, "Auntie, go!" and points to the swing.  She likes us to swing together, side-by-side. 

 Karlina is a cautious slider.  She holds on to the side to make sure she gets down in one piece.

Sierra loves sliding too.   Although it's more running down a steep incline.

 I think this playground was part of a school.  But it was open and was really a kids playing paradise.  They had every piece of play equipment imaginable. 

 AND a purple dragon.  How do you top that?

Auntie sits on the bench, Karlina comes and sits next to me and looks around.  Always a reminder that she is watching and imitating what I do/say.  

Well, I have been hanging out at the house of my friends all evening.  They feed me yummy food, have kids to hang out with, good conversation, a piano to play and delicious nectarines with vanilla ice cream.  I like them.  It's like having a home away from home.  And I know my Mumzy appreciates how much they take care of me.

Now to go home.  Sometimes I stay here at this house really late.  Or should I say...early.  Those involved will know exactly what I'm talking about...and I can just picture the little smile you're getting on your face right now as you remember how wonderful and crazy that night was. Mmmm love memories like those.  

buenas noches.

undeserved blessings.

Yesterday was quite the day for me.  It started out well enough...I was on time for church, I had a great day planned, there were a number of visitors-it just seemed like it would be a fantastic day.  The one catch was that I was on-call for work.

Being on-call is the bane of my restaurant-working existence.  You don't find out until around 2 pm the DAY OF if you're working or not.  And it is completely and totally unpredictable.  Every single shift has an on-call server scheduled, "just in case."  It makes planning anything really difficult.  You can't commit, because you might have to back out halfway through your day.  But if you clear your entire afternoon and don't get called in, then you're left with a really empty day.  I'm not saying it's a flaw in the system.  It is a necessity, and I understand why it is in place...but I would be lying if I didn't say it caused some inconvenience in my life. (But when was I ever promised a convenient life?  ha. never. )

So as 2 pm neared, I was checking my phone to see if I got that fateful text regarding my working status for the afternoon.  This was the text I hoped to see:

Schedule Modified.

Schedule,

Del)8/12 @2:00P

Store 52

Rewind to around noon when we gathered back in church to stand up front and sing.  It is one of my favorite parts of the day, as I love singing a lot.  Halfway through, I really wanted to sing this one song for some reason.  So I leaned over and asked the song leader if he would pick #5 for our sit-down song. (after we stand up and sing, we sit down and sing one more song). Well after a few more songs, we sat down, and he didn't pick it.  I'll be honest, I was kind of annoyed.  He either has a really bad memory or was completely ignoring my request. I didn't think he forgot...but he isn't the type to just blatantly blow me off like that either.

The rest of the service passed.  It was about Jesus and his life/ministry/death/resurrection and how it was all an honor and glory to who he was/is.  And he said something to the effect of, "If we don't give glory and honor to God, the Bible says even the rocks will cry out...because he must be glorified!"

After he was done, said song leader calls #5.

"Praise ye the Lord, He is King over all the Creation.  Praise thou the Lord, oh my soul, as the God of Salvation.  Come and rejoice, lift up your heart and your voice. Praise him in true adoration.  

Praise ye the Lord, who in glorious majesty reigneth;  Beareth thee upwards on wings like the eagle's sustaineth.  He can provide, after thine own heart's delight, what to thy welfare pertaineth.  

Praise to the Lord, oh let all that is in me adore Him!  All that have breath sing with Abraham's children before Him.  He is our light, fountain of glory and might, Peace to my spirit restoring."

It was so perfect.  Later when I thanked him for giving off the song, he said, "I couldn't not give it off, it fit so perfectly with what [the preacher] said."  He didn't know what was going to be preached on...none of us did.

I was ashamed.  God knew the timing of that song and how well it would fit and how it would speak to hearts more adequately after the sermon.  I was sitting there annoyed with the song leader...all the while, for some reason (the Spirit?), he waited to pick it.  Wow.  I felt dumb for having been annoyed with the song leader.

Back to being on call.  Right after that amazing moment in church, I got the text that said:

Schedule modified. 
Schedule, 
Mod)8/12 @ 5:30P
Store 52

And immediately the blessings of the previous moments were forgotten.  I was called into work and it inconvenienced me.

Looking back, I grumbled quite a bit.  it's embarrassing actually.  I should have just graciously gone into work, knowing that these things don't happen on accident.  I will not miss out on the good things God has for me.  If those good things are at work, then I need to trust that being called in will be a good thing.

Back to me grumbling. a lot.  people were commiserating, changing some plans around so I could join them later, and one good friend said, "Suzy, you're going to be fine."

Of course I was.  But I couldn't see it in the moment.

I got home, got ready for work, and proceeded to walk out the door. I'm not five steps outside my door when all the sudden my phone rings:

Brent (names changed): Hey Suzy it's brent.
Me: Oh hey! what's up?
Brent:  I'm gonna start crying
Me: What? Oh no! why, what happened?
Brent: Well I'm not gonna get to work with you tonight
Me: Wait, yeah you are, I got call--WHAT?!  you mean this is the call to get called off my on-call that I got called in on?
Brent:  *laughs* Yup.  Nothing's happening around here, so you don't have to come in!
Me: WOOHOO!!! I mean, yeah I'm sad I won't work with you too, but NOT REALLY!  thanks so much!

And as I turned around to go change and head out for my fun evening, all my giddy excitement turned to sheepishness as I realized that God had just given me a gift and I was completely undeserving.  My attitude had been terrible.  I considered the situation done, over and hopeless.  I forgot that God can do amazing and unexpected things all the time.  Tears filled my eyes as I turned to Him and said, "I'm so sorry...I don't deserve this at all.  I am truly grateful for how patient you are and how you keep on giving me gifts and blessings that are totally unwarranted."

He looked at me with a simile and said back, "I did this on purpose.   You were so vocal about how unhappy you were not once, but TWICE today.  So I gave you unexpected blessings both times.  That exposed and uncomfortable feeling was intended to turn you back to me.  It was a reminder that I'm still here, because you seemed to have temporarily forgotten that.  I'm just excited that your heart changed and that you are grateful now.  So remember this for next time...you won't lose out on ANYTHING that I have for you.  Walk with me and there is no missing out...because where we go together, there is joy and blessing no matter if it's at work, with friends, in the Siberian wilderness or in a hostile prison."

I ended up going and hanging out with friends, celebrating a birthday, eating yummy pizza, playing games, laughing, sharing stories and having an overall fantastic night.  Whatever God had for me in that evening, it was with those people at that time.  (same as if I had gone to work).

It was a little painful to my pride.  But I think it'll make me think twice before complaining so much next time (hopefully!).

Here's a few pictures from today.  Another undeserved blessing is the amount of time i spend with these kiddos.

 she gets so alert when she sees or hears something.  

 Look how ridiculously gorgeous the other day was!  This is in the dog park.  Just open space, trees, grass, and cloud-mottled blue skies above.  So peaceful. 

 Pictures from our walk around.

 Me and Karlina singing.  

 Ender in his Bumbo, Karlina tickling his feet.  He's not quite sure what to think.

 He's such a stud.  seriously...look at that face.  

 Playing with the fake giraffe at the zoo 

 a chillin' Ender-Benender.  

 "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes"

 Playing in the back of Auntie's truck.

Shhhhhh.  

=) 

Happy Monday night to you all!