I'm doing WHAT in 12 days?!

Well the wedding day is drawing nigh. 

Sometimes I have to pinch myself  to really believe it.  I mean, I had pictured this time in my life as WAYYY off in the future.  like, not close.  And all the sudden it has snuck up on me.  And on top of that, I'm marrying Ben!  Given how just last summer I had decided that even though it'd be hard, I was ready to wait as long as it took for him to decide he wanted to marry me.  

and he decided quick.  Not that i'm complaining. at all.  But it seriously feels surreal!

And this week has been quite emotion-filled and it's only Tuesday.  When I say emotion-filled...i mean ALL kinds of emotion.  I have been running up against myself over and over again with the whole planning thing.  In my head I know that it doesn't matter about the details of the planning...but somewhere inside me, I want to make it an event that no one can use to gossip about.  I know that sounds strange.  But seriously...I've heard enough (and participated in enough) wedding gossip to not want to be a part of it...or the subject of it.  

"Well did you see her dress?  Just a little too low-cut in the back, I think."  

"What about the bridesmaids dresses?  I mean, she'll totally regret that color in ten years."

"Ugh and the reception was nice...just too cliche.  You know, EVERYONE is doing burlap these days, soooo overrated."  

And without even realizing it, I've been running details through my mind, wondering if my dress or wedding-party colors or reception will be acceptable for all the critics that are sure to be in attendance at my wedding.  

Honestly, it shouldn't even matter.  People are entitled to their opinion.  And I just want to enjoy the celebration of Ben and I getting married....with all the people that matter most to us there!  The rest is just icing on the cake.  (Yes, there will be a cake...)

So it has taken a lot of letting go.  But purposeful letting go.  Not the kind that is disguised resignation. Pretending not to care, when deep down I do, and still feeling pressure. Nope.  I want to just let go.  Have fun.  Enjoy the process and the execution.  (Have to say that even though "execution" is technically the right word to use there, it doesn't exactly conjure up visions of wedded bliss. hmm...)

In any case.  Moving on to the next emotion.  HOW DO YOU CARRY ON A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!?  rhetorical question.  obviously I'm doing it.  Obviously we're still getting married.  But still, it is a chall-enge.  let me tell you.  Or maybe you already know.  Meshing two lives together is hard enough.  Meshing two very different personalities and lives together is even harder.  Doing it at a distance of 2,000 miles + two hour time difference + not being able to see each other and just sit close and hold hands=not that much fun. 

 Kudos to people who do it longer than we have.  I'm not complaining.  This situation was both necessary, helpful and overall beneficial to our relationships (with each other and with our families and stuff).  

There are times I feel like I am SO not ready for this whole marriage thing.  I'm not old enough, right?  I mean, my mom still reminds me to tidy up my room!  (Yes, Ben has been fairly warned about a few of my tidiness "quirks" [that's what I like to call them]) 

Today I had to run some things up to church.  As I walked in and looked around, I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions.  I walked down the aisle in the sanctuary, picturing the pews full, the lights on, heads turned, my dad and Ben's dad on the pulpit... and i sat in the front bench. 

Memories of sermons long gone, resounding singing, christmas programs, baptisms and the four or five weddings I can remember taking place there flooded my head.  Tears began to fall as I looked around at shadows bouncing off the walls, reflecting colors from the stain glass windows.  I began to pray and wonder aloud to God how in the world I was going to do this.   How do I join my life together with someone...two fallen humans, redeemed, but living in a sinful world.  Sounded like a recipe for disaster!  I felt so unqualified. He reassured me that I am indeed unqualified...But he wanted to be the strength that held me up. 

 I had just listened to the song, "You are my Hiding place."

He said, "Suzy, I am your hiding place.  I will fill your heart with songs of deliverance whenever you are afraid...so trust in me."  

I breathed a sigh of relief and gratefulness and once again my faith was bolstered.  I am ready to do this...marry Ben...by the strength of the Lord, because I have faith that he prepared both of us and brought us together in his time, and through the love he has allowed to grow between us.  

So see, it has been emotional.  My parents have been really sweet to stay present with me as I figure out this whole wedding-planning thing.  They have been more than amazing at making this a weekend that will bless both Ben and I, as well as our friends and family.  And I have no doubts that even if our center pieces make the headlines of Wedding Gossip Herald, it will be an amazing, memorable, God-honoring weekend!

I also want to shout out to my wonderful fiance, Ben.  This hasn't been a cake-walk for him either.  And he has continued to love me, seek God, hold down the fort at our home in MN, take good care of the dog, go to work every day, be active in church and his Bible studies and orchestra and overall be the incredible man God has prepared for me to marry.  

I CAN'T WAIT!  only 12 more days!  (No, I'm not counting hours, minutes, seconds or heartbeats...)  

Peter.

At Bible study a while back, the topic turned to Peter.  He shows up all over the place and is such a fascinating character.  the particular incident we were reading about was in Galatians where Peter lives and eats with and interacts with the Gentiles, but the moment the Jews show up, he becomes aloof and pulls away from the Gentiles for fear of what the Jews would say about him. 

Paul totally calls him out.  

I got really frustrated with Peter right then.  I mean, c'mon!  The guy has been through so much...hasn't he learned already?  Besides, he is supposed to be this pillar of the early Christian church.  Really well known, Really admirable, and right about then I wasn't admiring him too much...

Look, he was a disciple of Jesus.  A lowly fisherman CHOSEN by Jesus.  

When Jesus asks who people say that he is, and who Peter says that he is, he responds that Jesus is the Christ.  And Jesus is pleased with that and calls peter the Rock on which the church will be built! 

Then he has all these ordeals where he walks on water, but doubts and looks down. 

There's that question about how many times someone should forgive someone else. 

Peter saw Jesus' transfiguration!  

Jesus was trying to explain his death and resurrection, and Peter kept insisting it wouldn't happen that way...it couldn't. 

Then there's the last supper where he refuses to have Jesus wash his feet...but then after hearing Jesus' explanation, overcompensates and tells him to wash more of his body!  

Not even 24 hours later, he cuts off the ear of the high priest's servant in the garden of Gethsemane.  

After that, he denies he even knew Jesus...THREE times. 

Jesus commands him to feed sheep...also multiple times. 

He gets thrown in prison.  

then he gets miraculously rescued. 

he begins ministry, fulfilling the great commission.

...and then this story. 

HOW COULD PETER NOT KNOW BY NOW!  how was he so impulsive?  he just spoke and acted before thinking.  He was so easily swayed by fear of what others would think.  He was supposedly big and strong, but he was really timid and weak.  He was all over the place.  One minute he was the most dedicated and committed follower. The next, he was doubting and saying things he didn't mean or just plain had no idea what he was talking about.  

And then it hit me.  I am like Peter.  I don't get it sometimes.  I have experienced all of these things with God...and I still am fearful.  I still doubt. I still blunder through things and say dumb stuff.  Peter wasn't perfect.  But he had a raw desire to follow Jesus. 

It was Peter's cross to bear, this fear of man and doubt and impulsiveness.   The Enemy was using every chance he had to bring Peter down...and somehow Peter came out the other end.  God had his back, even when he made a fool of himself. 

That gives me hope.  

Peter is one of those guys I want to find in heaven and just sit down and have a chat with.  Compare notes. Laugh at how ridiculous we both were.  And then go thank God together that he redeemed and loved us anyway. 

  

And the world spins madly on.

Being in California is like being on an extended vacation...  I'm not working, the only responsibilities I have are week-by-week commitments and wedding planning.  I get to sleep in, I get to hang out with friends and family, I get to babysit and I get to order lots of stuff online!  

It's a lot of fun. 

but then last night I was talking to Ben regarding something with Sierra (the dog) and I realized that I'm missing life back there!  As obvious as it is, it just hit me that life didn't go on hold in MN.  And it makes me feel like I'm totally missing out.  I have loved being here, but there are so many things passing me by out there. 

Spring for one...I had to endure that LONG winter and didn't even get to enjoy the change of the seasons.  That glorious time when green pops out every where.  

Sierra's maturing.  Ben is doing such a good job with her.  And not gonna lie, I felt a teensy bit replaced.  It feels like the two months he has been with her are trumping the year I've spent raising her.  She may even like him better than me. 

Family stuff. I really do miss being with Ben's family!  Don't get me wrong...i love my family dearly and am really enjoying being here with them.  In fact, it feels like I never left sometimes. =) but I miss family dinner times back there, singing, games, teasing etc...

And family also includes Mary and her family as well.  I've lived with her a few times since I moved to MN and she is one of my dear friends. and I used to go over there at least once a week to chat and catch up.  

Oh, Miss K and Enderpants.  How I miss those two.  I skype with them every once in a while, but it is NOTHING compared to squeezing their little cheeks, giving hugs and kisses and just delighting in their childlike innocence.  Even though I didn't take these, here's a few of my favorite kidlets!

 He's got that little Karlina smirk on his face.  Such a little man! 

Riding around in the "Tooper" (Krissa has a mini cooper and so for Christmas, the kids got a mini-mini.  And Karlina calls it their "Tooper") 

TOTALLY ADORABLE, RIGHT!? 

*sigh*

And finally I miss Ben.  I promise this won't be too sappy...but seriously, I think he deserves an honorable mention.  I realize that lots of people do long distance engagements and such, but after six months together, being apart for two is definitely challenging!  The time difference is inconvenient, the inability to see each other face-to-face (unless we can work out a skype session) is frustrating, the fact that I'm the third wheel when hanging out with another couple...but knowing i HAVE MY FOURTH WHEEL SOMEWHERE is kind of annoying too.  

But we were counseling with our pastor and he reminded us that God has something in this last month apart. That there may be something he wants us to learn, experience, or do that will be best apart.  Like everything else, this isn't an accident and I don't want to miss what God has for me here.  

and BAM, right after that, I got an opportunity to speak to the teenage guys at church next weekend.  I really do feel that God has his hand on this season, and as much as I just want to be married already, His timing is perfect!  

Ok, enough of my sad lamentings.  On to pictures! 

Ah how I love this view.  The backyard at about 7:00 pm...love that my parents mainly eat dinner on the porch almost all year round! 

 Saw this stamp and it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it.  

 Ben sent me this picture of Sierra.  No, she's not dead.  That's just how much she's calmed down in the last two months living with Ben.  Maybe a laid back caregiver is just what she needed! 

 Went Bike riding the other day.  Saw all the gorgeous jacaranda trees, mountains in the distance...mmm it was nice. 

 One of the streets in Old Town Pasadena.  Mountains in the distance, old buildings and architecture. 

 Ben sent me this picture of the Lilacs budding over the fence in our back yard.  When I left they were all sticks and ugly brown.  They are BEAUTIFUL! 

So I've gone to my Aunt and Uncle's house twice since I've been back for a whole day at a time.  I just hang out, run errands with Aunt Nell and then help the boys with homework, swim, practicing piano...it's fun!

 Nathan (9) reading Little House on the Prairie out  loud to me.

 Such a cute helper.  Wiping off the table so we can play cards on it.  

 Their magnificent back yard.  

 Caleb (11) working on a project for school

 Seth is quite the cook/baker.  He was making some delicious cupcakes with cookies inside them.

 And he enjoys doing it!

 Justin was working on a Spanish project where he has to do a cooking demonstration.  So he had the whole things set up to be filmed and was chopping and separating like the cooking shows do.  It was cute.  He made green gazpacho. 

since I've been here i've also babysat for my cousin Bec.  She has three beautiful girls, and I watched two of them the other day!

 This is baby J. She is adorable and so tiny!  Born a little prematurely, she is still healthy and filling out well!  

 Middle Sister now seems so much bigger!  She's a few months older than my niece Miss K, and it was so fun to be around a little girl this age again!  her jabbering and asking questions and playing...so fun!

 Got sweet baby J to smile and laugh a little bit!  

 Mmm yogurt.  And those big blue eyes. 

We had a lot of fun together, and I get to see them again thursday!

Nothing can replace my time with Miss K and Enderpants, but it does help give me my kidlet fix.  =)  

Well folks, that's all for today!  Now I'm off to do some detail work for the wedding!  It's coming up in NINETEEN DAYS!  pretty exciting stuff, if you ask me =)

buh-bye. 

Re-caps continue!

Yay for another blog post A DAY LATER!  

I just have so many pictures, and I'm sort of on a blog-writing roll...so I'll keep 'em coming! 

Today is June 1st.  That means in 23 days I am marrying Ben!  Or is it 22.  I was trying to figure that out this morning...do I count today or no?  

In any case...it's coming up QUICK!  And I'm really excited. And i'm pretty sure Ben is too. 

At least I hope so.  

In any case, here are some pictures of some exciting events since I've been in CA. 

 I STARTED RUNNING! 

and then stopped shortly thereafter.  But at least i have a pretty view!  I love my neighborhood.

 Tried to take this little beast, but she runs too fast and pulls my arm.  She wasn't trained like Sierra was ;)

 got the CUTEST suspenders for my nephew Ender for the wedding.  aren't they ADORABLE!?

 Storm Clouds over the mountains and valley

 My aunt Heidi and cousin Rebecca planned the sweetest bridal shower for me for the ladies of the Altadena church!  Such a beautiful set up and yummy food!

 her backyard was the perfect place to have it.  a great mixture of warm sun and cool shade, with these amazing center pieces! 

 Mom holding Bec's newest little girl, Jordyn Rose

 My mom and Grandma

 My Grammy read me a sweet message she had written for me to send me off into married life!

I always loved going to showers that my aunts would plan, and couldn't wait until mine!  well this one not only met, but exceeded my expectations and was so memorable!  I felt loved and supported and celebrated! not to mention all the fun gifts Ben and I got ;)

 Mothers day was spent down at Hermosa Beach with all the family!

 Sue & Joe, Kali and Mom

 Uncle Dave and Grammy

 Dad and Aly

 Aunt Edie and Aunt Nell

 Me and the not-so-little Nathan

 Love it when the family gathers and sings together!  We enjoy it so much!

 Me and Aly

 These are some of my cousins.  5 brothers who sing together...ages 9-18.  They sing barbershop style music, as well as some gospel.  they harmonize great and have a lot of fun doing it.  We (their parents and I) sort of convinced them to sing along the strand at Hermosa Beach.  While a teensy bit apprehensive at first, they ended up drawing quite a little crowd and even made some money!  (I think that's cuz by the end, adorable Nathan was holding the cup and people just couldn't resist!)  

I was just hoping some producer would walk by and BAM! they'd be the next big thing!

Then we walked out to the water...such a beautiful sunset.  Oh how I miss california sunsets over the ocean.

 One of our favorite eateries...Scotty's on the strand.  

Oh. and the Maserati parked next to us...nbd 

And so ended another wonderful weekend in California!  

Don't worry, i'm still on a roll and will post again soon!  

au revoir!