I'm doing WHAT in 12 days?!

Well the wedding day is drawing nigh. 

Sometimes I have to pinch myself  to really believe it.  I mean, I had pictured this time in my life as WAYYY off in the future.  like, not close.  And all the sudden it has snuck up on me.  And on top of that, I'm marrying Ben!  Given how just last summer I had decided that even though it'd be hard, I was ready to wait as long as it took for him to decide he wanted to marry me.  

and he decided quick.  Not that i'm complaining. at all.  But it seriously feels surreal!

And this week has been quite emotion-filled and it's only Tuesday.  When I say emotion-filled...i mean ALL kinds of emotion.  I have been running up against myself over and over again with the whole planning thing.  In my head I know that it doesn't matter about the details of the planning...but somewhere inside me, I want to make it an event that no one can use to gossip about.  I know that sounds strange.  But seriously...I've heard enough (and participated in enough) wedding gossip to not want to be a part of it...or the subject of it.  

"Well did you see her dress?  Just a little too low-cut in the back, I think."  

"What about the bridesmaids dresses?  I mean, she'll totally regret that color in ten years."

"Ugh and the reception was nice...just too cliche.  You know, EVERYONE is doing burlap these days, soooo overrated."  

And without even realizing it, I've been running details through my mind, wondering if my dress or wedding-party colors or reception will be acceptable for all the critics that are sure to be in attendance at my wedding.  

Honestly, it shouldn't even matter.  People are entitled to their opinion.  And I just want to enjoy the celebration of Ben and I getting married....with all the people that matter most to us there!  The rest is just icing on the cake.  (Yes, there will be a cake...)

So it has taken a lot of letting go.  But purposeful letting go.  Not the kind that is disguised resignation. Pretending not to care, when deep down I do, and still feeling pressure. Nope.  I want to just let go.  Have fun.  Enjoy the process and the execution.  (Have to say that even though "execution" is technically the right word to use there, it doesn't exactly conjure up visions of wedded bliss. hmm...)

In any case.  Moving on to the next emotion.  HOW DO YOU CARRY ON A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!?  rhetorical question.  obviously I'm doing it.  Obviously we're still getting married.  But still, it is a chall-enge.  let me tell you.  Or maybe you already know.  Meshing two lives together is hard enough.  Meshing two very different personalities and lives together is even harder.  Doing it at a distance of 2,000 miles + two hour time difference + not being able to see each other and just sit close and hold hands=not that much fun. 

 Kudos to people who do it longer than we have.  I'm not complaining.  This situation was both necessary, helpful and overall beneficial to our relationships (with each other and with our families and stuff).  

There are times I feel like I am SO not ready for this whole marriage thing.  I'm not old enough, right?  I mean, my mom still reminds me to tidy up my room!  (Yes, Ben has been fairly warned about a few of my tidiness "quirks" [that's what I like to call them]) 

Today I had to run some things up to church.  As I walked in and looked around, I was overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions.  I walked down the aisle in the sanctuary, picturing the pews full, the lights on, heads turned, my dad and Ben's dad on the pulpit... and i sat in the front bench. 

Memories of sermons long gone, resounding singing, christmas programs, baptisms and the four or five weddings I can remember taking place there flooded my head.  Tears began to fall as I looked around at shadows bouncing off the walls, reflecting colors from the stain glass windows.  I began to pray and wonder aloud to God how in the world I was going to do this.   How do I join my life together with someone...two fallen humans, redeemed, but living in a sinful world.  Sounded like a recipe for disaster!  I felt so unqualified. He reassured me that I am indeed unqualified...But he wanted to be the strength that held me up. 

 I had just listened to the song, "You are my Hiding place."

He said, "Suzy, I am your hiding place.  I will fill your heart with songs of deliverance whenever you are afraid...so trust in me."  

I breathed a sigh of relief and gratefulness and once again my faith was bolstered.  I am ready to do this...marry Ben...by the strength of the Lord, because I have faith that he prepared both of us and brought us together in his time, and through the love he has allowed to grow between us.  

So see, it has been emotional.  My parents have been really sweet to stay present with me as I figure out this whole wedding-planning thing.  They have been more than amazing at making this a weekend that will bless both Ben and I, as well as our friends and family.  And I have no doubts that even if our center pieces make the headlines of Wedding Gossip Herald, it will be an amazing, memorable, God-honoring weekend!

I also want to shout out to my wonderful fiance, Ben.  This hasn't been a cake-walk for him either.  And he has continued to love me, seek God, hold down the fort at our home in MN, take good care of the dog, go to work every day, be active in church and his Bible studies and orchestra and overall be the incredible man God has prepared for me to marry.  

I CAN'T WAIT!  only 12 more days!  (No, I'm not counting hours, minutes, seconds or heartbeats...)