time marches on.

A few weeks ago, my dear mother and father came to visit us!  I cannot tell you how grand it was to spend time with them.  I have to say that as we all get older and spend more time apart, it makes these little reunions all the more special. 

The weather was cooperative.  And by that, I mean they got to borrow a grip of winter clothes and experience the joys of sledding two whole days in a row. 

(say a prayer for my dad's back...there were a few jumps in there that might have wrenched it a bit...But he is the best Papa out there for making memories with the grandkiddos despite that.)

Here they are in all of their winterized glory!  

I just love them so much.  I also love that my dad can rock a hot pink striped beanie.  

You should have seen the look on his face when I handed it to him.  But hey, desperate times and a balding pate don't leave room for much discussion.  =)

 love ya, dad!

We took Sierra on the second day of sledding where there was a GIANT hill.  She had so much fun running up and down it a ton of times.  It was just the exercise she needed.  She has been cooped up way too much. 

mi amor y yo.

Ben and Ender at the science museum.  love them both.

Miss K listening in on the lil phone for information about things I'm sure she's never heard of before. 

Yup...pretty sure she wasn't sure what the phone was saying to her.  

Last but certainly not least, here is a great picture of Mimi being the best ever.  I mean, who else would play a million games of hi-ho-cherry-o with a 3 and 2 yr old? And she made it super fun for them.  

Ah how the kids love Mimi and Papa visiting...

...as do Ben and I. 

I wish I had more pictures...but we spent a lot of time catching up, enjoying each others company and...I can't really explain how comfortable and right it feels to host my parents in our home.  It is exactly as I dreamed it would be.  Waking up, sipping coffee, making breakfast, sharing heart stuff, getting awesome advice...

and even though we have to share a really small bathroom...it is pretty much perfect. 

Remember how I said the dog gets stir crazy when cooped up in the house for too long?? Evidence of this below. 

I bought her an inexpensive bed (thankfully) because she has graduated from sleeping in her kennel at night to sleeping in our room.  It has worked out very well.  She used to whine and bark because she was so far away from us.  And now she sleep happily through the night.  

Anyway...she also discovered that the innards of her bed are a lot of fun to play with, and bury her rawhide in.  This happened a while ago...and I sort of just pinned it together and covered it up.  But she ripped even more holes in it.  I wish i had a picture of what our floor and stairs looked like tonight....bits of that brown crud all over.  

Then there was this awesome day.  (said sarcastically).  

Ben left a wee bit before 8 and my alarm went off at 8 and I got up around 8:05.  In that amount of time, Sierra opened the tupperware cupboard and managed to chew a few choice items.  These were the ones she rendered unusable. There were a few lids from my nice snap-on collection that have a few teeth marks in them, but still work.  

UGH. this dog needs spring to come.  

scratch that.  I need spring to come so that I can actually exercise the dog. 

At least she knows how to look sorry...

Check this out.  MARVELOUS! 

unfortunately it has been vacillating between 20-45 for the past two weeks.  a wee bit annoying...all the toying around. 

  

Check this out!  Dear friends of mine from my growing up church in CA came out to visit in Minnesota.  They contacted Ben and I and asked to take us out to dinner.  While there, they gave us this really special gift!  

It is a homemade puzzle, done by the husband.  He used his scroll saw and free-hand carved each piece.  The designs are intricate.  If you can zoom up the picture, you should...because it is impressive.  

Not only was the gift of talent and time so amazing...but he used a picture of us at our wedding and our invitation.   What a neat memoir from special friends.  

We were blessed by this gift and the time/conversation with them!

(Thank you again, V&M! the whole evening meant a lot to Ben and I!)

So I have been needing a new journal.  And randomly in my email, a friend sent me a promotion for 50% off a notebook from shutterfly where you can get pictures put on the front!  So I made this collage and now i have a super awesome journal! 

And I'll leave you with this parting picture.  Karlina called to me, "Look Auntie!  I'm giving the boy a hug because he is my friend.  And we are going to drive to church and to California to see Mimi and Papa!"

it was super cute. 

happy monday.  

stay warm or keep cool depending on your current location.

back to the...

...pictorial representations of life. 

There was that one day it snowed. 

and the world was white. and beautiful. 

There was that time we spent with family.

the time my husband looked so cute.  

oh wait...that's like every time.

the kids are pretty adorable too. 

Then there was the day Ender looked like a grown up "talking on the phone."

HOW IS HE SO CUTE!?

It was the same day that Karlina and I took a selfie.  

He was so concentrated.

She was so intrigued. 

They were toooooo adorable. 

he even said "thank you" after that lil smooch.

such a gentleman.

He also had some swag sag going on.

diaper dots for days.

in this case, three wasn't a crowd.  it was perfect. 

youtube videos help with that too, though.

can't forget how one mus be so serious when fighting fires with a multi-colored dumbo.

this kid. 

I have more pictures coming...my parents visiting...road trip to KC...and such. 

But this is to tide you over until I can get the other pics off my phone. 

au revoir and happy st patty's!

the end of another season

I wish I was talking about the winter season.  But I'm not.  At least not for sure.  The forecast DOES mention delightful numbers such as "45" and "37" and things that are much more manageable after DOZENS of days below zero.  

As to the real nature of the change of seasons for me...I thought it fair to tell my blogging audience that I have moved on from my group home job.  to put it bluntly...I quit. 

That is really hard for me to say.  Because...well... I haven't ever quit under circumstances like these before, and it has been quite the pill to swallow.  

I cannot blog too many specifics (as I've mentioned before), but basically I realized that this job was not for me.  First of all, way back in college, I decided that mental illness was not an line of work that I wanted to pursue.  The company I worked for specialized in mental illness and traumatic brain injury.  It was a bit more manageable in adults...but then they opened their adolescent program.  

I am not here to badmouth the company. But I will state facts as they are.  It is a brand new baby program, and they just weren't ready to open.  I understand that they were under pressure from the county to be placement ready.  And keep in mind, there was only ONE client intended for this program at the beginning.  But since they were under pressure to open, they did so...at the expense of adequate staffing and training.  They promised us 2 weeks of training, and we got it all packed into two days (which meant we had to learn a LOT through trial and error). As staff we were split into groups for training, so we didn't even meet half of our team until we were working alongside them (we could have been much stronger as a team had we had some time to get to know each other first...thankfully they were all pretty much awesome).  In addition to that, we were working with a client with a very challenging set of behaviors, diagnoses and ingrained habits.  He would have a week with no crises...and then a week of crises 5 days straight.  And while I can't go into details here...they would last anywhere from 2-7 hours each.  It was mentally, emotionally and even physically exhausting.  

On top of all of this, the lovely state of Minnesota has systematically shutting down all of the state hospitals/institutions for mental illness individuals.  These people are being placed in group homes, and new licensing for such facilities has been written.  It is "person centered"...which in theory is really great.  Looking out for individual rights, engaging each individual according to their needs and providing a wholesome life for them.  But it is also a bit idealistic and extreme. And it just doesn't work for a 15 year old boy.  Because of our restrictions due to the new licensing, we were very limited in what we could do.  This included consequences for destructive/negative behaviors, safety precautions etc...  Any of you who have raised teenagers know that lack of consequences does not go very far in establishing good behavior or character. 

So basically I felt like my hands were tied due to this licensing.  It was totally against my nature.  And I didn't feel safe (these are violent kids we work with).  They were getting a second client the day after I left...and were short at least 6 staff.  And on top of all that, the stress of the crises got to me.  I mean, my stomach was constantly tied up in knots...I felt physically ill most days I went to work.  The anxiety of not knowing if it would be a good day or not really affected me.  I needed so much processing.  Decompressing from one shift that ended at 11 pm, and preparing for an 8 am shift the next morning was draining.  Ben was so patient with me...but it became all we talked about.  And I didn't want to live that way.  

As I mentioned in my previous post, I got too invested.  Me and my team were my client's family...his "parents" and the only steady people in his life...in charge of his care, his safety, his home life, learning things most kids need to learn through life...it all rested on a bunch of 20- to 30-year-old people, most of whom had never done this before.  And I was invested enough in my client and my coworkers that I couldn't leave work at work.  And in this particular job, that is a weakness.  I could have worked hard to change that piece of me...but I believe God made me the way I am for a reason...and its okay that it doesn't fit with this program. 

So after two months...I left...burnt out. I could have pushed through, because I think the program will eventually settle into a functional routine.  But I needed to take care of myself and so I just left.  I was struggling with the decision for a while, because I didn't want to leave due to selfish motive.  Because it was "just too hard."  And yet, I needed to realize that there is a time to acknowledge that I may not be cut out for this.  And that is where my pride jumps in and was keeping me from quitting.  

In the end, I gave my notice...everyone was sad to see me go because (and I don't say this bragging)  but I was good at what I did

...and I felt immense relief. 

 It was odd, because I never really felt God leading me one way or the other, even through much prayer.  I believe had I chosen to stay, he would have seen me through.  And yet, I felt peace about going too.  

He also brought back an opportunity to work at the elementary school I was at before, doing Teacher's Assisting work for kids with behavioral issues.  It may not seem very glamorous.  But it is just what I need right now.  M-F, 9-4 schedule.  It is glorious.  I can deal with challenging kids, and then at the end of the day I'm done.  because I am not their home/"parent."  I am just helping them through their school day.  I can handle that.  

This whole situation was incredibly hard and good for me.  I learned I have a limit.  I experienced myself at one of my lowest points.  There were many times I was feeling things I couldn't put words to.  I felt so lost and disconnected from all these pieces of my life.  All I wanted to do when I came home was curl up and sleep and forget work and almost everything else.  It was also reaffirmed that I am blessed with an amazing husband who was so incredibly patient with me.  I still can't believe all the times he just put his arms around me, hugged me and let me cry...or let me hash it out a million different ways...or let me vent...or helped distract me...or stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay...or texted me throughout my shifts to remind me that I am strong because of Christ in me and that I am loved and that he was praying.  For not having dealt with a basket-case like I me before, he did a pretty top notch job.  

Hopefully this next season will be a time of recovery.  For my mental/emotional health as well as a little more of a two-way relationship with Ben.  I felt like I was pretty needy for a while, and now I can give back to him.  

Anyway...that right there is the last two-ish months summed up.  

Maybe now you can understand my blogging absence a little more.  Hard to have energy and inspiration to write during all of that. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed and loved and supported me through this time. 

couldn't have done it without you and Jesus. 

Pride

I just wrote two paragraphs and deleted them.  Because they weren't going anywhere.  

And I am faced with the reality that I have nothing to blog about. 

No real exciting pictures.

No super riveting stories.

All I really have to say is that God is continuing to show himself faithful.  I am really struggling with work (lots of details that I won't go into right now), and I find myself needing to turn to him more than I thought.  

A big lesson I'm learning right now is that I am too invested in my job.  And it stems from pride.  Pride that I can do my job and do it well.  Pride that I will be the one who gets through to my client.  Pride that I have not been physically assaulted yet.  Pride that I  can and will pick up the slack where a few of my coworkers drop it.  

And it is not good.  I am getting exhausted.  Because doing all those things on my own may be possible for a little while...but it drains energy, produces cynicism and makes for a pretty miserable feeling.  So I've been facing this, realizing that I can't do any of these things without Jesus' strength.  

Ben has been incredibly patient with me, because I come home with complaints on how things just aren't working out...and he hears me out, challenges me, prays with/for me, and gives me lots of hugs.  

And Jesus.....well he listens to me as I beg for his strength as I'm going to work.  He settles my knotted up stomach as I face an uneasy situation.  He brings peace to my soul by reminding me of his Words that he will never leave me or forsake me.

*sigh*

On another slightly less dramatic note, our dog is getting cabin fever (or winter fever?) and is going stir crazy inside the house.  I feel bad for her, I really do...but I can't bring myself to take her out for walks when it is 5 (windchill of -10).  So i throw her a stick for a little bit from the (somewhat) sheltered back door.  All of this to say, she is getting mischievous.  She ate an entire bag of marshmallows and tore into a can of putty from the basement storage room.  Didn't really eat much of that, but definitely got some in her mouth.  Due to these eating adventures (and others I'm sure we're oblivious to at this time), she had a LARGE bowel movement (squishy and disgusting) in her basement cage on sunday...and vomited in the middle of the night in our room last night.  She is healthy and fine today, so I'm not too worried.  

We generally aren't the type of couple to rush our dog to the Vet Emergency room when our dog eats questionable items (unless we know she at something that could poison her).  Sorry if that offends some of you.



Well...this post has been sitting here for OVER A WEEK...just waiting to be published.  And its kind of a tragedy, because now a bunch of stuff in my life has changed.
Like the teensy fact that I am between jobs once again.  *sigh*
but that will be for my next blog. which will come sooner than later....because my life is getting less crazy.
this is a good thing.

For the moment though, my parents are visiting and I am enjoying a break from the muddled mess that my life has been.

au revoir!