the end of another season

I wish I was talking about the winter season.  But I'm not.  At least not for sure.  The forecast DOES mention delightful numbers such as "45" and "37" and things that are much more manageable after DOZENS of days below zero.  

As to the real nature of the change of seasons for me...I thought it fair to tell my blogging audience that I have moved on from my group home job.  to put it bluntly...I quit. 

That is really hard for me to say.  Because...well... I haven't ever quit under circumstances like these before, and it has been quite the pill to swallow.  

I cannot blog too many specifics (as I've mentioned before), but basically I realized that this job was not for me.  First of all, way back in college, I decided that mental illness was not an line of work that I wanted to pursue.  The company I worked for specialized in mental illness and traumatic brain injury.  It was a bit more manageable in adults...but then they opened their adolescent program.  

I am not here to badmouth the company. But I will state facts as they are.  It is a brand new baby program, and they just weren't ready to open.  I understand that they were under pressure from the county to be placement ready.  And keep in mind, there was only ONE client intended for this program at the beginning.  But since they were under pressure to open, they did so...at the expense of adequate staffing and training.  They promised us 2 weeks of training, and we got it all packed into two days (which meant we had to learn a LOT through trial and error). As staff we were split into groups for training, so we didn't even meet half of our team until we were working alongside them (we could have been much stronger as a team had we had some time to get to know each other first...thankfully they were all pretty much awesome).  In addition to that, we were working with a client with a very challenging set of behaviors, diagnoses and ingrained habits.  He would have a week with no crises...and then a week of crises 5 days straight.  And while I can't go into details here...they would last anywhere from 2-7 hours each.  It was mentally, emotionally and even physically exhausting.  

On top of all of this, the lovely state of Minnesota has systematically shutting down all of the state hospitals/institutions for mental illness individuals.  These people are being placed in group homes, and new licensing for such facilities has been written.  It is "person centered"...which in theory is really great.  Looking out for individual rights, engaging each individual according to their needs and providing a wholesome life for them.  But it is also a bit idealistic and extreme. And it just doesn't work for a 15 year old boy.  Because of our restrictions due to the new licensing, we were very limited in what we could do.  This included consequences for destructive/negative behaviors, safety precautions etc...  Any of you who have raised teenagers know that lack of consequences does not go very far in establishing good behavior or character. 

So basically I felt like my hands were tied due to this licensing.  It was totally against my nature.  And I didn't feel safe (these are violent kids we work with).  They were getting a second client the day after I left...and were short at least 6 staff.  And on top of all that, the stress of the crises got to me.  I mean, my stomach was constantly tied up in knots...I felt physically ill most days I went to work.  The anxiety of not knowing if it would be a good day or not really affected me.  I needed so much processing.  Decompressing from one shift that ended at 11 pm, and preparing for an 8 am shift the next morning was draining.  Ben was so patient with me...but it became all we talked about.  And I didn't want to live that way.  

As I mentioned in my previous post, I got too invested.  Me and my team were my client's family...his "parents" and the only steady people in his life...in charge of his care, his safety, his home life, learning things most kids need to learn through life...it all rested on a bunch of 20- to 30-year-old people, most of whom had never done this before.  And I was invested enough in my client and my coworkers that I couldn't leave work at work.  And in this particular job, that is a weakness.  I could have worked hard to change that piece of me...but I believe God made me the way I am for a reason...and its okay that it doesn't fit with this program. 

So after two months...I left...burnt out. I could have pushed through, because I think the program will eventually settle into a functional routine.  But I needed to take care of myself and so I just left.  I was struggling with the decision for a while, because I didn't want to leave due to selfish motive.  Because it was "just too hard."  And yet, I needed to realize that there is a time to acknowledge that I may not be cut out for this.  And that is where my pride jumps in and was keeping me from quitting.  

In the end, I gave my notice...everyone was sad to see me go because (and I don't say this bragging)  but I was good at what I did

...and I felt immense relief. 

 It was odd, because I never really felt God leading me one way or the other, even through much prayer.  I believe had I chosen to stay, he would have seen me through.  And yet, I felt peace about going too.  

He also brought back an opportunity to work at the elementary school I was at before, doing Teacher's Assisting work for kids with behavioral issues.  It may not seem very glamorous.  But it is just what I need right now.  M-F, 9-4 schedule.  It is glorious.  I can deal with challenging kids, and then at the end of the day I'm done.  because I am not their home/"parent."  I am just helping them through their school day.  I can handle that.  

This whole situation was incredibly hard and good for me.  I learned I have a limit.  I experienced myself at one of my lowest points.  There were many times I was feeling things I couldn't put words to.  I felt so lost and disconnected from all these pieces of my life.  All I wanted to do when I came home was curl up and sleep and forget work and almost everything else.  It was also reaffirmed that I am blessed with an amazing husband who was so incredibly patient with me.  I still can't believe all the times he just put his arms around me, hugged me and let me cry...or let me hash it out a million different ways...or let me vent...or helped distract me...or stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay...or texted me throughout my shifts to remind me that I am strong because of Christ in me and that I am loved and that he was praying.  For not having dealt with a basket-case like I me before, he did a pretty top notch job.  

Hopefully this next season will be a time of recovery.  For my mental/emotional health as well as a little more of a two-way relationship with Ben.  I felt like I was pretty needy for a while, and now I can give back to him.  

Anyway...that right there is the last two-ish months summed up.  

Maybe now you can understand my blogging absence a little more.  Hard to have energy and inspiration to write during all of that. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed and loved and supported me through this time. 

couldn't have done it without you and Jesus.