I AM

"When you live in the past,
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not - I WAS.

When you live in the future,
with its problems and fears,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not - I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,
It is not hard.
I am here.
My name is I AM."

Helen Mallicoat
[Thanks A. Heidi for the inspiration =) ]

Wow...this got me. again. because I sort of had a meltdown today. The closest thing to a panic attack that I think I've ever experienced. And I have no idea where it came from. All of the sudden all the little unknown pieces about my life came crashing down around me. And I didn't trust the
Great "I AM"

We are doing a Bible Study right now in my church on the book of Ruth. This past week we really focused in on the character of Naomi, Ruth's mother-in-law. When Naomi's husband and two sons died, she said that the Lord's hand was against her and he was dealing bitterly with her. True, God had allowed these things to happen to her. But what she didn't realize is that her present was not unbearable with God as "I AM"

In fact, he had this plan that would have probably blown her mind if she had known it. Not only would she be ok as far as her basic needs being taken care of...but she would also be the orchestrator for the marriage from which the line of Jesus would come. WHAT?! going from a woman who re-named herself the Hebrew word for "bitterness" to match-making the ancestors of Christ. Doesn't sound like God's hand was against her there, does it. But she never could have seen that due to her clouded view in the midst of her heartbreak and trial.

Unlike Naomi, I want to have a good perspective of God. I want to be able to trust that he knows what he's doing. I don't want to ever say, "Wow, I'd die if that happened to me." Because I won't die. My life will not be over. I have a God who I can trust. Who knows the WHOLE story. Whose hand is in all of this mess we call life. Nothing goes unnoticed. Nothing is a mistake. There is no "Plan B." This is pretty encouraging to me, when I feel like I'm overwhelmed and I won't make it through.

the prayer on my heart as I am unsure of how to proceed and feel choked by the overwhelming emotion of the moment is this:

Father, I want to know you... as "I AM." There is no greater, all-encompassing title than that. Thank you for being trustworthy and for holding my present in your fully capable hands. Forgive me for my times of doubting, when I feel suffocated by the hardships of this world or when i'm weighed down by the past or distracted by the future. All of Satan's attacks and the brokenness of his world and ridiculous mind games will never be able to outweigh or overrule the protection and plan that you have in my life. I want to know you here. I want to trust you here. Mold my perspective that I might be able to see more clearly.

(disclaimer: Naomi is an amazing woman of faith, don't get me wrong at all...but there is a valuable lesson to be learned from her journey.)

a picture is worth a thousand words...

...only when actually accompanied by a thousand words.
[my motto]

I decided to do a picture post. I have all these random life happenings on my phone, and wanted to share them. They aren't on facebook, fyi. And I apologize that some photos have editing and some don't. it's an iPhone thing =P enjoy!



sometimes I go over to jonathan and andrew's man-cave...err...um...condo and we play kinect. it is almost as entertaining to watch as it is to actually play.




so i was sitting in the target plaza waiting for some photos to get done and this fluffy tailed little guy came and sat right next to me on the bench. i wish i had something for him to eat. he was very bold. and i only feared of rabies for like 30 seconds.



these are my girls. we had some great times in college together. i met up with them at Biola not too long ago, because there was this magnificent event called....(cue next photo)



NATIONBALL!!! it is when thousands of Biolans gather in the gym for a friendly game of dodge-ball and they wear colors to represent the dorm they live in. this event is epic, loud, crammed and I'm sure a fire hazard. But it is one of the things I miss about Biola...so I go back. just to watch =)


I have had the privilege of babysitting these two adorable little girls. They are my cousin's kids (Jenna and Anikah) and are such a delight. I was trying to take individual pictures of each girl, but Jenna wasn't too keen on Ani getting a picture without her in it. she would sit a good distance away til I was JUST about to snap the picture and then she'd lean her head in. we have good times.




ACYF is an epic event for Altadena. Lots of kids, food, and high school drama. I go along every year and drive a van full of girls from Huntington Beach to Moorpark and sort of supervise the goings on. I forgot just HOW important every little thing was at that age (like those girls won't let us have the bigger bed even though we're seniors and they're just freshmen. or how all boys are so stupid but we insist on texting them. and then having our friend text them just to get "the other side of the story". how it is perfectly normal to fit three girls in a double bed etc..)




So me and my cousin went on this awesome City Race/Urban hunt thing at Olvera Street in Los Angeles. It was a timed race where we had 30 clues and a certain size area to find the answers in. there were 40-some teams of 2-5 people each. It was crazy and SO much fun! extra credit points included buying/eating a churro and a candy with an insect in it (jon was the gentleman and let me have the churro!)




proof he really did eat it. no seriously, he ate the worm OUT OF the candy in front of the judges to get 6 extra points!! it was amazing.



I have decided that Olvera Street is one of my absolute favorite places in LA. so rich with history (first house AND church ever built in Los Angeles) and yummy food and culture seeping from its very pores. love it.


Change of topic.


Friday was bath day for Miss Tylee. Normally I do it inside, but we had just cleaned the bathrooms and my mom left no option but to use the hose. It was a warm day, and no animals were harmed in this activity. According to my parents she has been "a miserable flea-bag" so this was the post-treatment bath. See how happy she is? (i promise, it isn't torture for her)


Trying to catch a dog on camera mid-shake is quite a feat. But i like this one. because it shows the water off of her and her head is contorting in a rather remarkable way. Ty doesn't mind water, but will shake at every opportunity.




So you know how dog's skin often has darker spots on the pink skin? well Tylee's spots grow brown hair and the pink areas grow white hair. So when she is all clean, she has these beautiful brown under-spots that show through. I love her markings.



The dog-bathing process does not end with just washing the dog. See, she enjoys a good romp in the dry dirt in the back garden in order to warm up and get all the water off of her. So I must wet down the dirt completely so there is no temptation to roll in it. She is a devious lil' thing.



Switching gears: The Fair 2011
Just fyi, the Los Angeles County Fair has been around since 1922 and is huge. and goes on for a month. and attendance tops one million every year. It is larger than our State Fair, and the largest County Fair in the US. (Random piece of trivia: The fairplex land where the fair is held every year was used during WWII to hold the Japanese Americans before they were sent to internment camps. Sad, but interesting i thought)

Anyway, it's a big deal, ok? and I have gone EVERY YEAR for as long as I can remember.


turns out they have this awesome deal on friday that if you bring 5 cans of Ralphs brand food, you get a free ticket! we came prepared.





we took Joey to celebrate his birthday!



good deeds=free admission. so worth it.



my lovely parental units. They are so much fun to go to the fair with!



So in california, kids line up to milk a goat, my 19 year old brother included. Because it is quite the novelty. In fact, the entire barn section is a novelty.



we found this horse. his coloring is...interesting. he was just a happy lil' guy...just hanging around eating his alfalfa.



my family is awesome.



we also go by the hundreds to watch pig races. They're from Iowa. so they're legit. just sayin'.


allow me to introduce the Footsie-Wootsie. Only the best creation of mankind for a place where you are walking all day. (we have sometimes gone at 9 am and stayed until 9 pm. trust me, these are helpful). Best use of $0.25 there could be. seriously. we always make sure we pack quarters for it.



This artist is here year after year. people gather, simply mesmerized by what he does. He uses spray paint and random pieces of paper and round lids and creates these phenomenal works of art. It starts out like he has it on the board right now and ends up like some of the ones on the ground in front. He is sorta spazzy, but a lot of fun. he speaks spanish and I like to banter with him when I've watched him over the years. he is truly talented.



No really...they're good enough to do multiple times a day. And a lot of people don't realize how amazing they are. so we tell them and even lend a quarter if they need it. Just to spread the magic of the Footsie-Wootsie.




He is a pretty awesome lil' brother. we have good times together. actually today is his birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!

so there you have it. bits of my life in photos. =)

heartbreak.

there are tears in my eyes as I write this post.

my heart hurts.

I hadn't thought about what moving would mean.

And then tonight, it hit me....Some would say like a ton of bricks. I describe it more like this heaviness that comes in and settles in my stomach. a crack that begins by my heart until it feels like it will rip apart. a lump in my throat that seems to make breathing difficult.

I was overjoyed on most aspects of moving...until i thought about leaving my beloved church in Altadena. (Now please know that I have nothing against the church I'll be going to in Minneapolis. It's not about them. it's about Altadena)

I love the people here. And that doesn't even really begin to describe it. I feel safe, cared for, nurtured, loved, accepted and needed in my little church family. I have grown up here and known most of these people my whole life. Those who have moved have fit right in. we are family. Some by blood...all by the common bond of Jesus Christ.

Here are a few things that I will miss about Altadena:

-Ann and Aaron (the oldest couple in church) and their hugs, kisses and offerings of candy. "Aren't you just the most precious thing!" is what Ann always says to me.

-My Sunday School kids: Cody, Garrett, Caeleigh, Caidan and Nathan. Wow...I'll miss those kids so much. Their joy, exuberance, questions, intelligence, hugs and smiles.

-My Boys: Anthony, Petter, Justin, Seth, Joey and David. Probably the most eclectic group possible. And yet i love them all so much. We eat, laugh, play, sing, cry, pray, talk, joke and just spend quality time together. I'm gonna miss lunch-hour sessions in the conference room with these guys.

-Sitting next to Lynette during church (she always has my favorite candy in her fantastic stash)

-holding Evie and taking in her new-baby perfection. relishing her innocence and squeezing her chubby little thighs.

-Spanish Bible Studies. I've only led some of these, but I have learned so much from these women, and have gotten to practice my spanish!

-The hearts of our three ministers...their teaching and love for God and our little congregation. (Pretty sure not a sermon goes by without tears...)

-Mikey giving greetings from Vons

-exchanging tie information and getting my weekly nose-bop/hug from Virgil.

-Janelle's famous chicken-salad sandwiches, sticky buns and donunt holes.

-Sunday School Picnics, Christmas Program/Caroling, Bible Studies etc...

-Singing up front with the Sunday School. you haven't heard singing til it is done by Altadena's youth. 16 kids. (only four are girls). Harmony, joy, exuberance, and the SAME FOUR SONGS every Sunday.

-I'll miss all the hugs, the laughter, the sharing, the growing, the team work, the service, the teaching, the generosity, the dedication and hearts after God and the over all love that defines my church.

Those of you from (whether currently or in the past) Altadena know what i'm talking about. Anyone who has visited can attest to this. We're a special group and as excited as I seem about this next chapter in my journey...a significant piece of my heart will be here in Altadena with you all. I know I didn't mention everyone, but I didn't want this post to be forever long. you ALL have played an important role in my life. I love knowing you all by name and being able to talk to whomever, whenever.

If you have ever visited or attended Altadena, I'd love to hear things YOU love about it or that touched you or that you remember to add to my list.


i thought about saving this post. but decided not to. this is part of my preparation. i am going to make the most of every sunday and wednesday night I have with these people...never taking for granted the time we spend together! I know church can get routine and we get in a rhythm. But i encourage you to find the things that make your church unique and your place there. write down who you appreciate and why and what other aspects of your church grow, nurture and strengthen you. And then live in gratefulness to God for them. they are your comrades in this battle we have going on here. they will build you up when you are torn down. they will be there when it feels like everything else is gone. God has put them in your life for a reason.
cherish them.

This is my prayer, not only for my church family in Altadena, but for the entire body of Christ.

Colossians 3:12-17

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

train of thought.

have you ever wondered what a train of thought would look like written down? well me too. so i am trying it. READY. SET. GO!

i am really enjoying the breeze in my window right now, but it's a little chilly. i should shut my window buuut i'm sort of lazy. UGH i'm so lazy lately. ooh someone messaged me in my facebook tab. i need to go read that.

*after coming back* i really spend way too much time on facebook. my watch looks really good with this outfit, but i think i over-wear the watch. oh well...no one probably notices. i remember wearing this outfit when i went to meet a friend at in n' out. that was a fun day. i never see him anymore. OH MY GOODNESS I WANT IN N' OUT! if i had money.

why don't i have money!? i miss working at Mimi's and having a steady income. i miss hanging out with my friends. oooh i really want to go to BJ's with Dulce again and have a yummy baked potato.

ugh the bottom of my foot itches, and i'm not sure why. this is reminiscint of my...ugh i spelled reminiscint wrong. reminiscent? yeeeah that's right. ok so it reminds me of my poison ivy. and i'm too lazy to move my computer off my lap and reach down and scratch the bottom of my foot. ugh. its annoying. i'm just gonna do it...ahhhh. that is much better.

my back and neck sort of hurt, i think i slept on it wrong last night. ooh but i get to go get a massage soon. this is exciting. OH dear, i spent too much money today. but it was for a good cause. but i don't have any extra money to spend. i hate being nigh-to-destitute. i NEED A JOB! oh wait, i have one. in Minnesota. in January. maybe i can just sit here the whole fall and not work.

pretty sure my mom will not appreciate that. BUT i have been pretty helpful around the house. ooh i need to wash the dog before people come over this weekend. she is a FLEEEEA-bag.

aww that reminds me, poor little girl i was babysitting had flea bites that she itched and it bled. i forgot to tell her mom about that. eh, she'll probably read this blog and find out. haha.
ok so i had like 85 blog views yesterday. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE and where do they come from? do i even know 85 people? i have people looking at my blog from russia. which I think is awesome by the way. just didn't know i had readers in Russia.

this whole thought process thing is hard, because i can't type as fast as i can think. so i'm a little bit delayed and trying to get it all out there, but i'm doing a pretty good job. haha cuz i can type fast. Even my Supervisor at internship things i can type fast. he gets me to type all his dictations, which i love. it makes me feel like a secretary. i always wanted to be a secretary that answered phones and directed calls and typed.

i want food. i NEED food. cupcake? NO. no chocolate. everytime i crave it and try it, it backfires on me. bleh. Ok. I'm gonna go downstairs and find something munchie before i brush my teeth. UGH. red line under munchie. Munchy? still a red line. maybe its not a word. WELL IT SHOULD BE.


(alright, i'm gonna stop. cuz my thoughts are obviously all over the place and nonsense. and cuz i'm hungry but it was fun to see them, typed. and to realize this goes on ALL DAY LONG. imagine being in my brain. or rather...don't.)

au revoir.

p.s. just wrote this cuz i was on a blog-writing roll. EVERY DAY. since sunday. haha. it's a little roll. don't hate.

tqm mi amiga.

On my last blog, only one person asked questions. So she gets a spotlight blog all of her own. (And just to let you know, she has no idea I'm doing this and would probably turn all blushy and cute and hate that my blog spotlight was on her. but she's worth it.)

First some background. Katie May is one special girl. I never thought we'd be as good of friends as we are (i thought she was always too cool for me, you see)...but somehow it happened! And my life has been SO blessed to have her in it.

She owns the cutest little coffee shop EVER in one of my favorite Mexican towns EVER. If you ever want to take a jaunt south of the border and get one of the best caramel frappe's EVER with a yummy homemade sweet, just trek on down to Cafe Sed.


SEE HOW CUTE IT IS!?!?!

But hold on. I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to go back a few years. Back when Katie and I were at a more *ahem* awkward time of life. (I think we'll both agree to that, right katie?! And i'm sure you'll be annoyed I posted these, but whatever...you still love me!)




Who even knows what we were doing here. But we were awesome. (and had just woken up i believe...) I want to say Purdue Trip 2007?



This was after one of the work teams and I hung out with Katie's family. Ryan was visiting. She gave me a duct-tape purse. (Katie you can be comforted that I look pretty terrible in these, so it's humbling haha)



This is one of my favorite pictures. We were doing slip-n-slide in the bodega at CVE (amazingly slippery floors). Us combined with Aly's face and just the whole moment that was captured makes me smile =)




and more recently when i visit her, she makes me yummy arroz con pollo!




One of my favorite treats with one of my favorite people! (Fresas Con Crema made only how the little heladeria can make it in Magdalena =P)


Anyway...Katie is one of my dearest and sweetest friends. Always encouraging and ready with a hug. She is real and genuine and loves Jesus with all her heart. She is a servant, a friend, a fair employer and a great confidant.

So she asked me some questions about me moving. I will answer them here:

(1) will you forget about me? No Katie...that is not even possible. You're far too big a part of my life for me to forget about you.

(2-4) where will you live? by yourself? with someone else? Very good question. At this point in time, I will be looking for apartments with someone from a private university in the area. There is Bethel College and also an all-girls catholic university that will probably have some pretty good options! It'll be an adventure, that's for sure. I have had some pretty bad roommate experiences as well as some pretty amazing ones. So I'm just taking it to God in prayer and leaving it up to him!

(5) will you have a cat? I love how you already know the answer to this one =)

(6) didn’t think so. will you have a dog? I was actually driving along today and thinking how much I want to get a dog when I'm there. But I want a really big dog...so unless I end up living in a house instead of an apartment, I doubt I'll get one. I also sort of want a rat. Don't get grossed out, they are amazing pets. trust me, I know.

(7) are you gonna be there foreverrrrrrrr? Forever is a long time. And no, I won't be gone forever. SoCal really does have my heart and I will always feel the draw to come back here. But it promised me it'll still be here and gave me it's blessing to go out gallivanting.

(8) what will i do now that i won’t have easy access to youuuuuu? Well I'll still come at Thanksgiving...and maybe even squeeze in a spring/summer trip. Other than that, we'll just have to make regular skype dates. Trust me, I'll be missing everyone a LOT...so promise me we'll stay in touch!


Thanks Katie, not only for your questions, but for being a sweet, supportive and AMAZING friend. Tu eres como la hermana que nunca he tenido. I love you with all my heart.


p.s. you might ask why i only waited one day for questions to roll in? well i happen to know that i had 62 views of this post. and only one person asked. so y'all had your chance ;) haha juuuust kidding. maybe.

moving on...

My blog today is two-fold in nature. And although they are separate events i am reporting, they are pretty closely linked.

First of all: I'm going to be an aunt all over again!! AH! I'm so excited about it! Jim, Krissa and Karlina will be joined by baby #2 this march! It is really weird to think about how our family is growing and how by next year at this time, we'll have another little life that fits in so perfectly! I can't even wait!

This leads me to my second announcement...

I'm moving.

To Minnesota.

In January.

So, now on to FAQ:

1. Don't you know you're crazy for moving in winter time? Yes. I am frequently reminded of this by the locals both here and there. and yes, I realize I do not have any of the appropriate wardrobe for survival. working on it.

2. So what exactly will you be doing there? I will be working part time babysitting Karlina and new baby. The other part time I will look for another job. Hopefully in the probation field.

3. You mean you're not pursuing your career? Going to grad school? Working in LA probation? That was three questions. but yes i'll pursue my career. just not how I had originally planned. No. i'm not going to grad school. That hasn't been an option for a while now. and I'm working LA probation until December. And then I will learn about St. Paul probation =) who knows, maybe they have bad kids too.

4. Are you sad about leaving california? Well...yes. I'm sad to be leaving California. Who wouldn't be. But I'm not sad to be going to Minnesota. Does that make sense? I'm actually really excited about starting a new chapter. I've never done anything quite this spontaneous before. It is liberating. On the other hand, I love Altadena church, you all know from previous posts that I love SoCal in general, I have lots of friends and family here etc... this just means we get to use all forms of technology to keep in touch. and I'll buy lots of beach/mountain/city posters for my room =)


These are just a few of the many I'm sure people have. So please leave a comment with a question(s) and I will answer them in the next post. No question is too out there. I'm sure I've heard them all. =)

Anyway...That's my news. Thank you all for your love and support and prayers. While the decision was made relatively spontaneously, there was still a lot of prayer and thought that went into it. Looking forward to hearing your questions, my reading populous (hint-hint).

happy sunday to you all.

All the World's a Stage...

...And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances.

This little concept was brought to my attention by my rather wise Uncle Joe tonight at church. We were reading in Acts 23 about Paul's nephew who warned the commander of Roman centurions about a plan the Jews had concocted to ambush Paul and kill him on his way to visit Felix. It saved Paul's life.

Now we never really talk about this story. Pretty sure I couldn't have won Bible Trivia about Paul's family members. Who even knew he had a sister AND a nephew. And on top of that...his nephew SAVED his life!! Paul's five-day trial with Felix is well known, but how he got there gets little attention.

Joe made a point of saying that there are people who are small characters in our lives but end up impacting us hugely and playing a larger role in the bigger picture of our lives. And vice-versa, we have no idea when that one random conversation with that woman on the bus could be the very thing that causes her to give up doing drugs and to turn her life around. That one smile and encouraging word to the sullen looking kid could be the reminder he needs that there is life and happiness and hope in this world.

So I thought over some people who played brief and "insignificant" roles in my life (some of these people i may not even know personally!) that ended up impacting me farther down the road.

• Mrs. Arai: She was my 6th grade writing teacher. My very first outside class as a homeschooler. Looking back now, I did not learn a whole lot of writing from her, and the only vocabulary word I remember learning to spell was "Pedestrian." But that woman loved WWII and Jewish History around that time. we watched movies, read books, did research and went to the Museum of Tolerance. This led to my love of this period in history. My friend, Kaeli can attest that i have read dozens of books and seen numerous movies on this subject.
  
• Joy, Ayodele and Akili: This single mom and her kids homeschooled with us and came over to play all the time. They were African-American and Joy was blind. I learned at that time in my life that people that are different than us (either color or "disability") are people just the same. And I also learned that someone who is blind does not need to be debilitated by their blindness. Joy was one of the most (excuse the cliche) joyful people I knew. She had her share of difficulty in her life, but she loved God and raised her children with strength, and the disadvantage of no sight.
  
• Ernie: A regular every morning at the Mimi's I worked at in Monrovia. He always came in at the same time and sat in the same spot at the counter and ate oatmeal. every morning. He also was an alcoholic who had not sipped alcohol in years. he was active in AA and was well known in those circles. he traveled around speaking and leading groups. He was such an amazing example of what God can do in a broken life, and he lived his testimony out, and continued changing lives.
  
• Anglin Brothers et. al: When I read about their escape attempt from Alcatraz in 1962, I was blown away by their genius idea to create dummy heads molded from soap shavings and covered in hair from the prison barber. It was their particular escape attempt that drew me to the world of crime and the minds of criminals. I can say that I am in the field I'm in today significantly in part to these men.
  
• Leonard: Ok. he was on a video. But he was my Algebra/Geometry teacher through homeschool years. I learned FOIL (first, outside, inside, last-algebraic term). Never underestimate the usefulness of FOIL in life to come. Just Sayin' =P
  
• Mrs. Reinebach: i spent (well, my mom spent) a substantial amount of money for me to take piano lessons from this woman at a local university. She was intense. And a college professor. I was around 15 or 16. She would open the hymn book we use at church and point to songs I'd never heard of before and tell me to sight read. then write chords for them. then transpose them into different keys. she made me cry almost every week. but she taught me all I know about chords, which is pretty much all I play for piano now. She taught me to know my piano keyboard so well I could make up music in any key.
  
• Noe: This hardworking man left his family behind in Mexico so he could come to California to make money to send to them. some would call it abandonment...we all knew it was love. he had worn pictures of his wife, son and daughter who he talked about all the time. he worked for my dad and was at our house frequently. he taught me that you sacrifice comfort for the well-being of the people you care about. he taught me that the best carnitas in the world are made in a copper pot over a fire in the back yard with a whole pig, pounds of lard, oranges and salt. he taught me that to learn another language, culture and lifestyle you just dive in head-first and always keep a smile on your face when the odds are stacked against you.
  
• Murphy: transferred to his World Religions class half-way through my senior year of high school. he was so cool, but so down to earth. he made God seem real and reachable. he cared fiercely for the people around him. he could poke good-natured fun but always held us in the highest respect when we deserved it, even though we were just high school kids. He had my back when I made a bold move and stood up for myself and many kids scoffed and shunned me. He told me, "Suz don't ever let someone disrespect you, especially men. and don't give up hope...God has got something amazing for you down the road. stay close to Him."
  
• Max: penned the words from a book that have helped me understand how God views me: the more you trust my love the more their opinions of you won't matter. You are special because I made you...and I don't make mistakes. (You are Special). This has become a catch-phrase that I repeat in my mind when I feel as though I must have been made with a defect. I cannot tell you how many dark holes I was saved from slipping into because of this promise that Max shared through his writing.
  
• Ozzy: He mocked me. He ridiculed me. He made me cry. And he enjoyed it. But this man who had ice-blue eyes and a biting tongue taught me invaluable lessons about myself. I became confident in who I was and where I had come from. I have the choice to decide who to hand the power over to. The power to define who I am as a person. Ozzy or God. I used to choose Ozzy...and it devastated me. Now I choose God...and it has strengthened me. So...thanks Oz.
• Mr. DeSpain: This man is old. Really old. He and his wife were regulars at the Mimi's I worked at in Downey. They were picky. They were fussy. But I loved them. Mr. DeSpain was a WWII survivor (probably another reason why I liked him). (proves even grouchy people have a story we may not know). He would bring pictures of his time in Europe and tell stories of the horrors of war. He would tear up and get a far-away look in his eye. I learned that no matter what a man does (kill, fight, march, leave his family for an unknown amount of time) and no matter how jaded he gets in order to self-preserve...there is a scared, emotional, broken piece of him inside...even if deeply buried. Then I learned how God and a faithful, loving spouse can heal a lot of hurts. I may never see Mr. DeSpain again in this life. But I know I will see him in heaven. And until then, he gave me some Peruvian Daffodil bulbs that bloom beautifully to remind me of him.
  

These are just a few of the many interactions I've had over my life that have seemed like small players but have left a lasting impression/impact. Remember at any given time and place, you could be that person for someone else. You never know how your words and actions could make an impression on someone. Something I need to keep in mind is that this works with both positive and negative. I didn't mention those negative impressions/impacts but there are plenty of those too.

Be the person who bring the Fruits of the Spirit wherever you go...touching lives, bringing life. (for those of you who might need a refresher course, the Fruits are: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Meekness, Gentleness and Self Control.)

P.S. I also want to mention other people who played a larger role in my life and impacted me significantly: Mrs. Buswell (piano teacher), Sue (Sunday School Teacher), Mrs. Wilcox (Biology teacher), Mr. Cruthers (US History/economics teacher), Mrs. Lane (English/Speech teacher), Sheri (dear friend/teacher), Matt (Bible Prof) and Miss G (Soc. prof/friend). I'm sure there are many more...these are just some that have meant a lot to me over the years.

unashamed.

"What are we sneaking around for?
Who are we trying to please?
Shrugging off sin, apologizing
Like we're spreading some kind of disease."

[newsboys: i'm not ashamed]

Here's how the story goes. There was once a man in Rwanda around 1980. He was told to renounce Christ or face certain death. he would not betray his faith in Jesus Christ and was killed on the spot. This note was found written on a piece of paper in his belongings:

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure.

I’m finished and done with low living, sight-walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions, mundane talking, cheap [selfish] giving, and dwarfed goals.

My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear.

I won’t give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I’ve preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I must go until He returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He comes, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colors will be clear. “For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ."

[voice of the martyrs. pg 150]

i get chills every time i read or hear that. because this isn't a hallmark card. This is someone's life mission. Someone thought this was so important he died. DIED. seriously...this man's devotion was SO rock solid. and he was killed for this belief.

we live too cushy a life. we don't know what true persecution is. So we let these things slide. These days, in America, "everything" is accepted. it doesn't make joining a fellowship like this anything special. Well, blood-bought redeemed believers in Jesus Christ...let's MAKE it special. Let's make it radical.

Instead of giving myself to a comfortable, emotional religion...I want to dedicate myself to a life-long cause. One that I am bound to and unashamed of. One that requires work and loyalty and has unending rewards.

"I'm not ashamed to let you know
I want this light in me to show
I'm not ashamed to speak the name of Jesus Christ."

[newsboys: i'm not ashamed]

This is something that I, for one, plan on remembering. will you join me in the fellowship of the unashamed?

music.

i cannot explain my love for music. at times it overwhelms my soul.
sometimes my only response is to dance.
sit in silence.
sing at the top of my lungs.
lift my hands.
laugh.
just let the tears fall.

something that beautiful could only be created by Someone who delights in blessing me.

i have played piano and violin for the greater part of my life. I used to hate taking lessons. I took hour long violin lessons weekly, and used to have two one-hour lessons of piano a week. I was taught by about five violin teachers. I was instructed in piano by one of the most amazing pianists. She was in her eighties and legally blind.

there were tears.

there were performances.

there were promises to never play again if i wasn't made to by my mom.

and yet tonight i sat down at a piano. it was a beautiful baby grand. I cannot play "Falling Leaves" or "Three Pieces by Carl Czerny" or "Edelweiss Glide". Not anymore. Sure I could stumble through it. But i am not the musician i once was.

so i began to play something else. and sing.

i do not have an amazing voice. I can stay in tune. but i have no range. (the reason why I was tenor in choir). but i enjoy sitting by myself and playing and singing.

i express my emotions through music. there is so much soul and beauty that can flow from the fingers to the keys of a piano. i have laughed while playing piano.

i have cried.

when i am driving i always have music going. i pick it to fit my mood. in fact I am going to share a secret with you. sometimes if I have just experienced something that overwhelms me with sadness, or lifts my soul with joy, or fills my belly with burning anger or blinds my view with despair, I will often take a moment and find a song.

i don't have a go-to song. I just scroll through til I find one with lyrics that either fit my mood or counter it if it needs to change.

My brother once told me there is a song for every moment in life. I have found this to be generally true. whether lyrically or musically...there really is. and I haven't even begun to scratch the musical surface.

It is one of the most beautiful art-forms to me. I can only imagine the delight God takes in the music. people all over the world play music. many do not even acknowledge the One who created it. They dedicate their lives to perfecting their art. Many use it for blaspheming and defaming all that is good and right and sacred. This saddens my heart. music is a powerful medium for communication.

some people don't listen to much music. every time I hear that, I inwardly gasp. how could you NOT listen to music?! I understand not everyone has a connection to it like I do. But take a moment. find a symphony recording (or better yet, GO to the symphony) and just close your eyes and listen to the harmony of instruments. sit down at a piano and pick out some notes. it doesn't need to be beautiful.

"make a joyful noise unto the Lord..."

have joy in your heart. make music. listen to it. sing it. bask in its beauty. enjoy its simplicity. stand in awe of its complexity. relish its depth. or delight in its shallowness. it really is all things to all people.

and if you're gonna be in heaven with me, be prepared to enjoy it for all eternity! =)

p.s. sorry for the choppiness of this post. I just wrote as I thought...and didn't edit it at all.

late graduation gift.

Today was the day. It was the only thing on my calender bringing me back to california from my road trip.

It all started on a beautiful california day in June. the story is here. And now here is the ending of this saga in my life.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 am. earlier than I've been awake in weeks. by far. As I begin my morning rituals to get ready, I practice in the mirror what I'm going to say to the judge.

I practiced the demanding/articulate/probation-officer-suzy technique:
"Your Honor, I was working 20-30 hours a week, proving I am making a positive contribution in the community. I was also in school full time, had finals, graduation, moving home and a week long vacation. I had no plausible time in which to renew my license. I should not be held responsible for something that I easily fixed. And on top of that, I am a Probation Officer in training and as I apply and get background-checked i CANNOT have my record tainted by this trivial matter. Is there something you can do to help me? your honor?"

Then I practiced the sweet/charming/repentant technique:
"Your Honor, it was all my fault. I was totally irresponsible in not getting my license renewed. I would be so grateful for any break you can give me. I have never had a record and I did go the next day and get it fixed. Is there anything you could do for me? I would so appreciate it!"


Then there's always the break-down-in-tears technique. didn't really practice that one.


Turns out...didn't use any of them. hah.

So I arrive at the courthouse (after frantically looking for parking and finding it in a CASH-ONLY lot. ugh. so not convenient). I arrive at the proper courtroom and find my name on the docket list.

#49.

Seriously? I have to wait for 49 people to be heard BEFORE ME? bleh.

As I sat in the courtroom and the clerk took roll, my tummy started to knot up. My heart-rate picked up a little. I know, I know...you're thinking to yourself, "Suzy...you're IN law enforcement. you are in courtrooms all the time! how do you expect to do your job?"
Well let me tell you that when it is for someone else, I'm fine in a courtroom and around officers of the court. But for some reason, if it has to do with me....everything related to law and law enforcement sort of scares me.

I'm working on it.

anyway, the Prosecutor begins talking to various people that were there. I was one of those lucky ducks. He actually pulled me aside to a little room and sat down and told me that because I was charged with a misdemeanor and that was a criminal charge, I had the right to legal counsel. He also told me that normally he would just reduce it from a misdemeanor to an infraction with a nice fine instead of a criminal record. how compassionate.

I explained that i DID have a license but it was just expired. He asked to see my renewed license and discovered that i did tell the truth and had gotten it renewed the day after I got pulled over. He was impressed (i think). Well he must have been. because he mumbled some things, looked over the file before he said, "well it looks like you were just busy in school when all this happened. and you got it taken care of immediately. And honestly i have bigger fish to fry today. So I'm going to dismiss this charge completely. and you are free to go. You have my word as an officer of the court that I'll tell the judge that we don't want to press charges. You have no record."

I was SO relieved. i thanked him profusely. and then on my way out he says, "So are you back in school?"

to which I replied (with a little extra joy in my heart), "Nope, I graduated in may!"

He gives me a jovial grin as he opens the door and ushers me out, "Well then...consider this a late graduation gift!"

How awesome is that!?

Pretty sure that God was watching out for me on that one. =)

Now the saga is finished. Whew. On with real life.

thoughts: I have dedicated my entire education to studying crime/criminals and Jesus. People say they don't mix. But I'm pretty sure they do. Because this morning I was a criminal. I prayed and the good Lord delivered me. (warning: do try this--prayer, not misdemeanors-- at home. results may vary, but satisfaction guaranteed or your...soul back? um. i'll have to work on that)

peace and happy crime-free days to everyone.

conversations

recently, I've been trying to communicate with people about something I'm learning and sometimes the only way I know how to do it is to let them in on a personal side of my life.

conversations. the ones I have with God. Where he talks to me and I talk to him.

This is an age-old question...does God really speak to people these days? I mean we know he did in the Bible, but what about now? Does he only speak through people or through the Bible?

Jesus said, (paraphrase from John 10), I am the Good Shepherd...My sheep know my voice and I call them by name...They follow me, because they know my voice. I know my own and my own know me.

But how do we know his voice? Which one is his and which one is Satan's? is it a voice? or merely a feeling? (if you have any thoughts/personal experience on this, feel free to share)

In my Gospel of John class, we had a lengthy discussion on what it means to hear the voice of God... There were lots of questions, lots of scripture verses, lots of personal experiences shared...and it was sort of agreed upon that there is no text-book way to define how God talks to us.

But I know he does. Because he talks to me. It's not like a conversation you'd have face-to-face. In fact, many might think it is me just "talking to myself." Or maybe just the whole "conscience", "devil/angel on shoulders" or "Jiminy Cricket" sort of thing. But I'm pretty sure its not. I'm more selfish and self-deprecating and insecure and distracted to be able to just think all of this up on my own. I can't exactly describe how these conversations go. and often they are compiled of multiple encounters and lessons I have with God. Often times I don't even realize they happened until I try to articulate it later.

ugh. this is so difficult to put into words. Maybe you can relate. maybe you can't. But let me share with you a recent conversation I have had with God about my current situation in life.
(disclaimer: my conversations with God come off casual. Not one you'd have with the King and Creator of the universe. But honestly, that's how he talks with me. So please don't take it as disrespect for the Majesty and awesomeness of God.)

Me: God sometimes I just want to know whats next. could you please give me some clue? or let the job I want call me back quicker. Or show me who I'm gonna marry. I mean, I don't NEED to be married now. but it'd be nice to know... And should I move out or stay with my parents? I mean I don't want to be "stuck" here...but it is good on the pocket-book. and I miss college. not academics, but the school. and i have all this pressure from people that I should go to grad school. but i DON'T WANT TO!

God: Suzy...suzy. Shh...just slow down a minute. why are you in such a hurry to move on to the next thing? I've just brought you to a culmination of a LOT of life events here...Graduation, quitting a job and a road trip. And now you're back. why must you strive for what's next?

Me: Well...I thought I'm supposed to be ambitious and driven and looking for where you want me. Graduation is supposed to lead to career. Quitting a job means finding a new one. I have to make plans and organize my life and all that.

God: But what if I want you right here. in this moment. See what you don't understand is while your mind is rushing with thoughts of what is next, you are missing the abundance I have for you right here.

Me: right here includes no job, living with my parents and no life...all that is right here is just...sort of blah

God: Um...not that I take offense at anything you say to me...but seriously? I could take that personal if i didn't know you. life with me is blah? Come on. i have given you joy unspeakable...peace that passes understanding...a salvation that will take you to glory... and you say its blah?

Me: *sheepishly* well that's not really what I meant. All that stuff is good...

God: Just stop right there. that stuff is good. now sit with me here. just take a minute. and be with me and that good stuff. Because i have given it to you specifically. because i love you, and I want you to delight in what I've given you. And I also have so much other good stuff for you. take a look at the past few weeks since you've been home and tell me that it's blah.

(God also gives me visual pictures in my mind's eye. because I'm a visual learner)

so i muse over the mental pictures that have been the past few weeks:

beach picnics with friends and family.
conversations with my little brother that bond us closer.
a time of worship with music and lyrics that touch my soul.
an unexpected hug from a distant friend.
a letter in the mail from someone thanking me for listening and just being me.
teenage boys with soft hearts who cry and pour out their heart because they trust me and each other.
a sweet text from my dad, "good morning sunshine! have a great day! 143 (i love you)".
a long-distance phone call from my brother and sister-in-law out of the blue sharing laughs, updates and life.
a supervisor at my internship that is so excited to have me back working with him again and asks to see all the pictures from my trip.
sunday school kids who give me hugs and are excited for our times together each week.
an unexpected check in the mail from school that came in time to pay some bills.

And I turn back to God with a humble and grateful heart.

Me: Wow...wow. you're right. in fact you see the tears in my eyes as I remember how amazing and faithful you have been to me. this isn't blah at all! how stupid am I!

God: No, daughter. not stupid at all. merely temporarily blinded by what you thought was bigger and better and where I wanted you. but let this be a lesson to you. next isn't always better. now holds what you need. next is not guaranteed. now is.

Me: Thank you...for reminding me. again.

God: remember though, remain pliable and ready. I'm not stopping here. "Now" might include some pretty big and monumental things. I am here with you through it all. Just like I've always been. Love and trust me with abandon and we'll do just fine together. in fact you'll be more than fine. you'll thrive like never before. (if he had a picturable face, he'd be grinning.)

Me: (grinning back) i can never say it enough. Thank you. for everything. your promises. talking me through this. your patience. my goodness, thanks for your patience. this must be so tiring sometimes, going over this stuff with me again and again.

God: Hardly. any time I can spend talking with you and nurturing you and watching you grow...it delights me. Keep coming back and talking with me. You've made leaps and bounds in your growth with me. and there is SO much more i can't wait to show you! I hope you are as excited as I am.



Maybe that felt like script to you. Maybe you have never had that before. Maybe you HAVE. There is no cookie-cutter way to encounter God. He may speak differently to you. This is just me. I just wanted to share it. Because it is so special to me.

And I don't normally do this, but I want to ask you please do not criticize the conversation I shared with you. It is personal...and it is real...it is vulnerable for me...and it is not yours to judge.

But please feel free to share your own experiences or thoughts on communication/conversing with God. =)