muddled mix of thoughts

Three paper-projects.

All due in one day.

Started late the night before.

Yeah so I have procrastination problems. major ones. And tonight i think i snapped. Halfway through my child abuse and dysfunctional families class, our prof let us out on a break. All the sudden I had a burst of energy that manifested itself in crazy ways.

half-completed cartwheels down the hall (yes, i ended up on the floor).

speed walking down stairs (that doesn't turn out so well).

word vomit (my spastic train of thought coming out in words).

now we're back from break and i can hardly sit still. this is ridiculous.
so i'm trying blog-post therapy. its a real thing...trust me.
I. need. help.

Actually, this is totally helping. i'm calming down already. wow. the power of the written word.

Anyways, on another note.
When you hear the word "discipleship" what do you think of?
leading? following? teaching? discipline? obedience? serving? giving? doing?
Yeah, i thought all of those things too. and they aren't bad or wrong.
But i'm learning* that its about more than what i can do or achieve or learn.
Its primarily about grace. God's grace.
If the focus is only on what i can do, i'll never do enough. or do it right.
But when the focus is grace...its not about my success or failure in the doing.
its about how God gives me the grace to learn and practice serving.
no amount of us trying to serve on our own merit will get it right. that just turns into judgmental and guilt-ridden legalism.
so how do I avoid that and fix this problem?
Accept that grace. God is looking for ways to save me and to grow me.
he abundantly pours out grace. but if i don't recognize the grace, i will not experience the full power of Christ in my life.
When there is an ultimate and all controlling rule of a gracious King...what will be the nature of his kingdom?
its subjects will reflect the character of the King.
if i claim my inheritance as a child of God and partake in the inaugurated Kingdom (meaning it is here already and also not yet fulfilled), then i will reflect His character.
This is the demand of righteousness.
grace foils legalism and fuels righteousness.

And I don't wait until I mess up to turn to the Servant and receive grace. I have to start everyday with receiving grace, because I realize that I can't even face the day without it.
i must practice the presence of God...and most importantly, the reception of his grace.
really great thing about it is, its a free gift. I just have to collect.
i must do this by constantly returning to the throne for another "grace-fix."
Sometimes I have been graced on a missions trip, or in a worship time that leaves me so spiritually high. Then I run on that grace-fuel for a while. I assume it will last me, but soon i'm running on grace-fumes. There is nothing but myself stopping the constant flow of grace.
if i ask, i will receive.
What if i don't know to ask? or how? or just get so low that i'm barely getting by?
Well God thought of that too. He provides common grace which can manifest itself in the simplest of ways (song on the radio, hug from a friend, wind in the trees) that keep me going until i can seek out the fullness of the promise of his grace.

i am redeemed. graced. pursued. found.

Now there is a demand for righteousness, which will just overflow out of me.


*These concepts were introduced to me by the Spirit working through
Dr. Jonathan Lunde

Yo soy una tia!!!

For those of us who do not speak the glorious language of Spanish, I am an aunt!!

On October 20, 2010 my brother Jim and his beautiful wife, Krissa had a little baby girl! (totally called that by the way!) She was a healthy 7 lbs 5 oz. 20 inches long. (be assured that this little girl is gonna be one tall kid!) Her name is...

Karlina Jean


(This picture was taken day 1. Not bad, eh?)



This is the uber-adorable little family. SO crazy to think of my big brother as a daddy!




And I will admit that I might be totally biased, and all babies are supposedly cute... but this is one exceptionally beautiful baby for being 3 days old! (its a good thing too, cuz now i'm totally proud to claim her as my lil sobrina!)

My parents were in India at the time of her birth and so I got to tell them about it over skype! It was so fun to see the grandma and grandpa transformation take place overseas! I think Karlina even has an authentic Indian outfit which Grandma bought for her!

Ok I can't keep referring to my mom as Grandma... just doesn't jive. i mean, she'll be awesome, but she's just not old enough for that. *sigh* oh life changes.

Anyways, I cannot tell you how agonizing it is to be here in California with that little baby girl 2,000 miles away! I want to hold her, inhale her new-baby smell and cuddle her swaddled, pink little self. I've spent years holding other people's kids and nieces. But now she's mine (not exclusively of course...) I have auntie rights. i love it. i can't wait for her to grow up and call me Auntie Suzy.

Our family seemed perfect with four kids. Then as the sisters-in-law joined, that felt right too. couldn't imagine life and family get togethers without them. And now with Karlina...there's no looking back. She's gonna be one loved baby. Our family is growing...and it couldn't be more right. I realize that probably didn't make much sense. But its hard to put into words what this is like. Normally I hate change. God knows how to transform those patterns in me. Just pop in a new niece. works every time =)

hunger

You shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has ^C)">led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, ^D)">testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.

He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that ^E)">man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD.

(deutoronomy 8:2-3)

He allows hunger in my life. to test and know what is in my heart.

am i trusting him?

do i depend on him for all my physical, spiritual and emotional needs?

what areas in my life are experiencing the biting pain of hunger?

when he searches my heart will he find faithfulness and full dependence on him?

God, please search me and know me. give me grace to understand where you are allowing hunger in my life. I want to be fully reliant on you. Every time i lean on my own understanding and strength, it is a lack of faith in you. When you have shown yourself time and time again...how could i NOT trust you? Thank you for your patience as I bumble about like the children of Israel in the wilderness...asking for signs and miracles.
you have proven yourself over and above.

You are:
good, when there's nothing good in me
love, on display for all to see
light, when the darkness closes in
hope, you have covered all my sins

peace, when my fear is crippling
truth, even in my wandering
joy, you're the reason that I sing
life, in you death has lost its sting

more, than my words will ever sing
Lord, all creation will proclaim
here, in your presence i'm made whole
God, of all else i'm letting go.

my heart will sing no other name...
Jesus

in class. as i type.

So I am sitting in my Methods of Sociological Research class. And you ask what I am doing. Well it is a three hour class, and we talk about how to write up a research report paper. I can understand how this class would be helpful for someone who is pursuing a life in research of sociological issues. but that is not me.
at all.
*sigh* But I shall endure. Oh, and no, I'm not blowing off my education and typing a blog. our computers were messed up, and IT (the tech people) is not super successful at repairing the damage. So we wait here until they fix it. The joys of 3 hour classes is just when they feel like they should be done, there's 2 1/2 hours left to learn more fun-filled topics!

This week in internship, I got to sit in on a unit-meeting between our supervisor and about four other POs. At first my PO said I didn't have to stay, but I decided to listen in just to see what it was like. And it once again confirmed that I will love doing this. There is a lot of politics when one works in a county position, but I think I am ok with that...everything else will make it worth it.
As far as classes go, let me describe one of my favorites. It is my PE class with Ms Renda. She is wonderful. This class is officially called "Strength and Stretching" but is basically glorified yoga. I was hoping that this would be a nice relaxing PE, but Ms Renda does not believe in letting your body get away with anything. it is a vigorous workout. Thankfully we listen to gospel music, which keeps everything moving.

So just as an fyi, it has taken me a week to write this. because I am a lazy blog-writer. Ok not totally the only reason. I have this giant...no...GIGANORMOUS exam in my Jesus' Life and Ministry class. awesome class. not so awesome exam.
actually, funny-ish story from that class. my prof is trying to learn our names, so he asked us to send him a picture of ourselves to help with the process. I kept forgetting to send the picture. Finally in class, i jokingly said to him, "I'm not sending you a picture, you'll have to learn my name without it." to which he replied with all seriousness, "Oh, I already know your name. You're suzy. and you talk a lot."
of course.
we're friends now =)

Anyways. life is good. no...life is blessed. beyond what I could imagine. At random times throughout my day I am just filled with this overwhelming sense of who God is in my life.
He is mighty. He is a promise keeper. He never makes mistakes. He is healer of my heart and body. He delights over me. He is truth. He gently but firmly guides me.

and this brings my heart unspeakable joy.

thick skull <---its what I have

Have you ever had the feeling that you are being purposefully stubborn, even though you know you're wrong. Like trying to win an argument where you're saying that World War 2 never happened.

but not like that at all.

I know in my head that I can make better decisions, that I am smarter. I have people telling me, "Suzy...come on." I can feel the distance between me and God. I don't like it. But somehow the trade-off felt worth it in the moment. It was harmless enough.

or so I thought.

I ignored all the warning signs...cuz i was stubborn. I knew i was right. even though in my deepest of hearts, I knew that was a lie. I didn't have the strength to just stop it. I was being lazy. And the distance from God didn't help.

I mean, don't get me wrong, its not like me and God were on bad terms...He's been more than amazing, and on my side, and faithful. It was me. i just wasn't connecting like i could have. Like a best friend who moves...sure you're still friends, but the daily walk through the mundane things of life is no longer shared, putting in an inevitable distance. Thats like me and God were. Only I was the one who moved.

So then He, in his faithfulness, decided this was enough. he could see me hurting myself. I was taking a knitting needle and repeatedly jabbing it into my arm saying, "but its ok! and its fun! I know I'll probably regret it, but thats later, right now its sort of cool." and He just looks at me with a deep sadness, knowing that even in the moment, I'm not really having fun. not really.

(Let me insert that I know you probably think i did something incredibly drastic. I didn't. But this also is emphasizing how even the smallest, most "insignificant" lies can be just as damaging as the more obvious ones.)

God sees me. Sees the ridiculous situation I'm in. and decides that He's gonna give me a clear sign. He had a decision to make...I mean, he gave me godly parents who taught me. He gave me friends who told me. He gave me the Spirit to remind me. And so far, i had shut them all out. So he decides to intervene. Because he knows that somewhere from inside of me, I am calling out. I want help. I just don't know how to ask. It reminds me that he promised the Spirit and Christ for times just like this. to intervene on my behalf. To cry out to God for me when I am too proud or ashamed or speechless to do it myself.

And he couldn't have been more clear. He provided strength when I wasn't able to do it myself. you have to understand that I consider myself a pretty strong person. At least I did. but I was reminded of my utter broken humanity. looking back I laugh.

and I cry.

How did this happen? After a sleepless night (and just fyi, i NEVER have sleepless nights. no exaggeration), I knew that the unsettling in my soul was specifically sent by God. a follow up to his obvious sign. Just to make sure that I didn't mis-read it. or try to justify. or make excuses. Cuz i'm so good at that. And if that wasn't enough, a verse posted by my roommate boldly, unknowingly, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." (1 cor. 10:13) He was providing my escape. How could I turn away? I had to trust him...that he knew I was in trouble.

So I did.

And now comes the healing. the building of burned bridges with God. The restoration of a broken heart that comes from abandoning a True Love. the receiving of forgiveness for where I've gone wrong. And the letting go of guilt...because that is just the Enemy feeling desperate because his mission failed. He had me...i was listening to his voice, not my Father's. And now I'm gone. I've turned and run. and the loss is big for him. So he swings on the pendulum with me and brings guilt, shame and self-contempt.

But i will not listen.

I am loved.

I am forgiven.

I will now walk worthy.

And so it Begins...

Well the last days of my summer have been full of doing a lot of nothing. You would think I would have time to update my blog...but let me tell you, doing nothing is TIME CONSUMING! So instead you get me at a time when i have something to do...and then there's time for blog writing.

This week is the beginning of the end for me. I am finally a senior in college, and will be done with all required academia in a short eight months. From there, I can decide to never step foot into a place of formal education until I volunteer at my children's kindergarten. I'm not gonna lie, that option sounds very nice to me.

And yet, here I stand, facing another school year and I am actually surprisingly excited! First of all, I have the most wonderful schedule, with great classes, awesome profs and some good friends to take the classes with. And then I also have the internship of a lifetime that will be talked about later in the post. I have a job that pays me, that i totally am in love with. I have the most WONDERFUL roommate (which can make or break a semester, let me tell you!) And I have a super high bunk-bed. which is bringing out my inner child.

Ok so lets talk about my internship. I'm actually not sure how much I'm allowed to say, so i'll keep it purposfully vague. but God was definitely at work in hooking me up with this job. All of my other options kept falling through and I finally emailed this one guy who is the Probation Officer in the same city my school is in. But he didn't email me back. So I looked up his number on some random directory I googled. He picked up immediately and was excited I called. He asked where I went to school.
"I go to Biola University."
"Oh wow! you do realize that we're located in the Sheriff's department RIGHT across the street, right?! this would be so perfect for you!"
*suzy in awe and fumbling with her words* "Oh my goodness! that's so awesome!"
"Ok so how bout you come in and see me in the next few days and we'll get you started. Actually if you could come in on Monday, the District Attorney will be here, and you can meet all the people who will hook you up with ride-alongs and cases...would that be ok?"

HA! would that be ok!? that is an interns DELIGHT! I was so excited that there was definite hopping and yelling going on after the phone call.

so I meet him. work out logistics. I did indeed get to meet the DA and actually since her intern is leaving next month, she's gonna find some stuff for me to do to help her with some court cases! (YES!!!) I met all the higher up Sheriffs and security people. If i wear my little badge, I have access to everywhere in the station, including all the files and records of all the kids we work with. (its a pretty big privelage)

In any case, my job includes learning how to input information in the computer as well as attend every interview/meeting between my supervising P.O. and any minors or parents that come in. I have read case files that, I kid you not, are a good 4-6 inches thick. I love learning the ropes...encountering different dilemmas, personalities and people that we have to figure out how to handle. I knew after my first day that this is where I belong.

It is going to be a challenging place to share Jesus. After just one meeting with some parents, I was so drained, and I hadn't said a word! I can't even imagine how people can get sucked dry every day and have no way to be filled back up. I want the love I have from God to overflow to these hurting and broken people. they need it bad. I want to give hugs to the despondent, but I am not allowed to touch them. God, how do you expect me to reach these children and parents? I trust you, though, because its the only way I could ever think of getting through to them.

the office is literally right across the street...so I could easily walk to it. It gives me more time for working because before I had had to count the commute as part of my available time. In all, God has been more than amazing to me, as I start this next part of my journey!

I shall update more after classes start on wednesday...

peace.

oh the fair [sweltering!] midwest!

So I sit here in Steve and Jane's family room, my good friend cecily to my right, and a window with endless bean/corn fields to my left. Its good to be back here. Everytime I come to Indiana, it just feels right. And also makes me thankful for places like california! The weather is...well i'm not going to complain.

So lets go by topic.

1st: Weddings. By next monday I will have spent three weekends in a row attending weddings. And there are a multitude which have taken place before and after the ones I have attended. Actually, in the minds of a normal midwesterner, I have been present at a measly amount of weddings. But these few weddings have almost done me in. *whew* Who knew there was so much love to go around? I attended the wedding of a college friend, with lots of college friends, and it was actually one of the first where I wasn't connected to my family in any way. I felt way grown up.
The next wedding was for my cousin. my dear, sweet, beautiful cousin.

Who also happens to be TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME! now don't get me wrong. More power to them. But it makes me feel old sometimes. Now those of you who are actually older than me by a substantial amount will probably laugh and shake your head at the sweet ignorance I possess. But seriously. maybe you remember feeling that way...unless you tied the blissful wedded knot in your budding youth.

Whenever I'm on my way home from a wedding, I blast my new theme song, Riding Solo.
"I never knew single could feel this good...i'm on cloud nine, my heads in the sky. I'm solo, I'm riding solo..." and i convince myself that i really DO want to finish college and weddings are overrated.

Ok, next topic. [written shortly thereafter the previous ramblings]
The Amish. So tonight Jane told us we were going to their Amish neighbor's trailer for ice cream. My mind did a double take. or maybe it was a triple take. Somehow "Amish" and "trailer" just didn't fit. and I was picturing us all crowded in a cramped little trailer in the middle of a field, eating ben and jerry's around a home-made table with candlelight and a battery powered fan (i think they can use batteries).
But I was delightfully surprised when we pulled up that while it was indeed a regular trailer, it was not at all what I was expecting. This young family had landscaped and set up a garden, some sheds, an old and rusty classic windmill, beautiful clothes lines ready for the laundry and fields all around. They had three delightfully gorgeous children, and were such a sweet couple themselves! James, the dad had made homemade ice cream, which when we tasted, found our tastebuds tickled with the flavoring of natural maple syrup. Susanna, the mother, had made a cherry cobbler which was the perfect compliment to the ice cream. We chatted about crops and gardens and then...
Their daughter Maria comes out of the barn (which is about three times bigger than their lil' trailer house) on a PONY! Now at that moment I was picturing Veruca Salt...
"Daddy, I want another pony!" (said with british accent. check youtube: "veruca's ticket-charlie and the chocolate factory" for context)
We always reserve little girls with ponies for the rich and the snobbish. But this sweet young girl had her own pony at age 7. And it was completely normal! Mom and Dad, why weren't we Amish?

Anyways...It was a delightful experience. Joey felt a special kinship to the Amish after that so he began waving at all the passing buggies and farm workers. He soon discovered that not all Amish are as amiable towards the "English" (as they call us) and was slightly disappointed that there wasn't a lifetime bond formed.
The fun continues tomorrow night with buggy rides after church =)

3rd Topic: relationships. How is it that after a year of not seeing people, we can pick up just where we left off. Life happens, everyday experiences, joys, heartbreaks...shaping. And yet, here we are, hugs given, memories made and the bonds strengthened. When I was telling some co-workers that I have scores of friends in the midwest that I visit, they couldn't believe it. They thought I was exaggerating somehow. And I realized why. They don't have the One Friend that we have in common. Isn't it interesting that when you meet people, and you find out you have a common friend or acquaintance that you somehow feel as though you are now bonded in a way you weren't before.
And our common Friend is one that knows us all so well, and we have the opportunity to know the same, that we're all pretty much on equal playing field. Even if you aren't bosom friends...you can eat at the same table, worship in the same place, sleep in the same houses...and you can be comfortable. *sigh* and they don't understand.

I want to close with this thought...I have a regular customer at work who is a dedicated follower of Christ. He is a bright spot in my day...and incredibly encouraging. But when we finished up our chat the other day, he said, "Well it's been a blessing as always, Suzy, and I'll leave you with what I always say...Walk Worthy."


Walk Worthy.

Wow. It really hit me. When the Bible says, For by grace I am saved...not of my works. it is the gift of God to me...so that I can take no pride nor boast in my own salvation. And yet when I accept that gift, I am now carrying the name of Christ and am a reflection of Him. While my works don't save me...I must walk worthy of the gift I have been given. Without his grace, I am nothing. But because of his grace, I am worthy of this gift. And I long to walk in that truth.

airplanes ARE shooting stars...

...in Los Angeles, anyways. and boy, I could really use a wish right now.

Not sure what i'd wish for. But it would be something amazing. like a cleansing mud bath. or a pile of pre-peeled kiwis. or perhaps a cute baby to snuggle with. (speaking of babies, and on a strange side-note, I had a dream where i had triplets. it was...like a beautiful nightmare.)

Anyways. my night: It is 12:30 am. I am home alone, as my parents are on a nice 4th of July weekend getaway. (go them.) I can't wait to get old(er) and be married to the same person for like a score and eight years and go away on vacations together. so cute.
The kids at work who found out I had the house to myself were about to invite themselves over for a BYOP. (bring your own party. its much more inclusive than a BYOB). I told them the reason my parentals let me stay alone is because they trust me not to have a party. duh.

but point is, i'm alone. I almost made this my facebook status, but I realized that facebook is easier stalked than blogs. and by the time a creeper stalks my blog, figures out where I live and comes to attack me, my parents will be home. that is my logic. it may be faulty.

But be not afraid...i know self-defense. =)

My mistake was watching a CSI: Las Vegas about a poor girl who got murdered in her home by a vengeful ex-lover. Now i know that all my ex's live in texas...but still it made my observation detectors go on slight overdrive. (btw, that ex's thing was a quote from a country song...i have no vengeful ex-lovers. that i know of.)
In any case...every creak of the floorboards, shake of the dog collar and headlight of a passing car is catching my attention. I am doing little checks around the house. I also looked around the room and thought of how it might look to a CSI investigating my murder. I thought of all the things they might say.

"there is a take-out box of half eaten food from...mimi's cafe."
"I found an employee card with that name on it in her front left shirt pocket...she must have just come home from work."
"neighbors said a car was missing from their driveway...her parents must be gone for the holiday weekend."
"purse still on the sofa with wallet inside...this wasn't a robbery."
"half-written blog describing her happy life...poor girl."
"oh and she was watching CSI...and she didn't see this coming? perfect."

I just admitted to my mom this morning, in fact, that i am not a scared person. and I'm not. I'm just being cautious. After all, i will go to sleep perfectly happy tonight. and if i'm attacked, well then i'll be seeing my Lord and Savior a little sooner than expected.

which might not be a bad thing.

*sigh*

Now that i've scared me AND you...I think i'll go to bed. i figure if i'm asleep i won't hear anyone coming. its the suspense that kills me. no pun intended. I'm just glad my life doesn't have a narrator or mood music. it'd really freak me out.

Maybe I should have had a party. a tame one. with lemonade and nachos. Just so that I wouldn't be alone.

Wait. I'm NOT alone! now there is a comforting feeling.
I have no need to be afraid.
no matter where i go. where i sit, lie down, what I think, whatever may happen to me...NONE of it escapes Him. He is not caught off guard by intruders. He has me protected. and i can lie down and sleep in peace tonight...knowing that it is Him alone that allows me to do it in safety.

Now THERE is a promise I can stand on.

el verano y el pez

no homework. sleeping in til 10:30. late nights with friends. beach day trips. swimming pools and laying out. family picnics. backyard bbq's. laughter. sun. play. productivity.

this is summer.

so...i have a summer story.
i shall entitle it: The Fish

It was an overcast tuesday morning off the coast of Point Mugu. my fearless aunt had taken 8 children camping for the week and who knew what adventure lay ahead that day. I arrived only for the day, as camping is not directly my cup of tea. I do enjoy it at times, but day trips suit me just fine =) after lunch we trekked to the bridge under which we could cross PCH at low tide. (For at high tide, the bridge has water underneath it, making crossing nearly impossible.) And on the sandy shores, in front of lifeguard station 7, we set up camp. The waves were average, the water biting cold. being the nice big cousin that I am, I ran into the frigid ocean only to instantly be numbed by the water. At that point staying in was fine, as I could feel nothing. The day passed...we had a marvelous sand-creation contest in which i promised the children prizes. (at that point i had no idea what the prizes would be...and to be quite honest, I still don't know! But a target run this afternoon should clear that up!)

It was coming upon two in the afternoon...the sun was finally peeking its balmy head out from behind the dissipating clouds. The oldest cousin, Justin decided to set up his pole for surf-fishing in hopes of catching a fish to fry for some dinner delight. within minutes he hooked a winner.
This fish was beautiful. and looked a very good size for a surf-perch. she was properly stored in a bucket of sea water and the children gathered around to have a look. I was sitting comfortably in my chair, watching the delighted children watch the poor fish as she swam around the bucket. then came the shout.

"SUZY! come quick! something's not right!"

Since situations that aren't right draw me like a magnet, I ran to the bucket and saw the fish laying on her side in the bucket. My cousin then proceeded to show me a red protrusion from her abdomen that was not on any fish we had seen before. we poked it, prodded it and questioned what it could be. then it dawned upon us.

Justin says, "I think she's pregnant." I ponder that all the while wondering how my 15 year old cousin knows what a pregnant fish looks like. but she did have a full looking belly and the protrusion was looking like a fin when in the water. But don't fish lay eggs? we were baffled. So we called our mothers to come look. and we all ooh'd and ahh'd this poor fish and her plight.

When we put her in the bucket, she lay on her side on the bottom. and we all concluded she was in labor. and that is when all of the little cousins took their positions as the delivery-room peanut gallery.

"I bet if we go put another pole in we'll catch her husband, he's probably waiting out there and i bet he would want to be with her!"

"PUSH fishy...PUSH!!!"

"Someone needs to hold her fin, she's probably scared having her babies in a bucket!"

"PULL out the fish Justin! help her out!"

"EWWW she's having BABIES!"

It was all of their first time seeing live birth. Justin was nervous, but at everyone's insistance, he pulled the fin poking out of the mother's belly. *plop* there was a baby fish...two inches long! she was beautiful. we all cheered and clapped as the poor mama fish swam in circles on the bottom of the bucket.
We had two boys running back and forth bringing fresh ocean water to the bucket to keep her oxygenated. We really were quite helpful.

Justin beamed with pride and declared, "That was amazing...i think i could totally be a doctor now!"

We saw another fin poking out and urged Justin to continue with the labor and delivery. He *ahem* gently squeezed her belly, massaging her until *plop-plop-plop* three more came out. she seemed to be done.

After much deliberation, with Justin wanting to keep and eat the mama fish, and my mom advocating infant-fishy survival, we decided to throw the babies in the ocean to live a long and prosperous fish life and to keep the original fish for dinner. (i hesitate calling her mama fish, because then eating her would seem morally wrong.)

not five minutes after we wished the babies well and released them into the wild, we hear a yell. "SUZY! there's FOUR MORE!!!"

of course. what fish only has four babies.

With the help of justin squeezing her belly and forcing them out, the mama fish had 13 more fish. Where did they all come from? how did they all fit? we will never know. But there was so much yelling and excitement! We ran to nearby beach-loungers who were totally unaware of the delivery of new life that had just taken place mere yards away from them. we invited them to see this miracle of new life. they stared in awe.
"Wow...they're so beautiful! she did so good! congratulations you guys!"

the moms were calling their husbands and anyone else they could think of! We were recieving congratulations from all directions..

I felt as if i was a proud grandma, beaming at my lil fishy who had done so much work. she was exhausted. We were ecstatic, and the lil baby fishes were swimming with glee around their nursery bucket.

But this is not the end of the story. we took the delivered fish back to the camp. Justin proceeded to begin fileting her. we all stood over the chopping block and gasped audibly to find that she still had THREE more babies in her! we quickly released them and put them in the bucket to live. The fate of their carrier was much more detrimental. we shall not go into the details as I am sure you have bonded with her over the course of this narrative.

In any case...it was live biology on the beach that day...and a day we shall not be forgetting soon!

Now Face to Face

No weeping, no hurt or pain.
No suffering, You hold me now
No darkness, no sick or lame
No hiding, You hold me now.

For eternity, all my heart will give
all the glory to Your name!

Last night, I sat with aunts and uncles, cousins and my Grammy as we sang hymns around Grampy's bedside. He was resting, his body frail and thin beneath the bedsheets. And yet there was an overwhelming peace in the room. As family members leaned down to say their goodbyes, voices choked up, tears running down their cheeks, there was only love and peace. It was a feeling and a presence that I cannot describe. But God was there, I have no doubts.
When my turn came, I could hardly speak...and when I did, I wasn't even sure what to say. How do you sum up 21 years in moments? How do you communicate to someone what they meant to you without having time to plan? This was a man who had read Bible stories to me, gave me piggy-back rides, always asked me to play piano and sing for him, listened as I poured out my 12-year-old heart to him, wanting to give it all to Jesus. He showed an interest and concern for my life, schooling and job...always ready to point me back to God in the face of this world and all it threw at me.
I wanted him to know how much those things meant to me...shaped me into who I am today. But the words wouldn't come. I told him I loved him...and to go Home to Jesus.

...and he did, a few short hours later. He took his last shaky breaths on this earth, and then went to see his Savior. He fought a good fight, finished the race, all the while keeping the faith! what an awesome example. He was surrounded by his children, his wife and the prayers and love of people across the world.

He will be missed, but how can I be sad when he is relieved of his pain and suffering. His disease had taken over his body, he was weak... But now he has a new body and will never be bound by the brokenness of this world. What he once saw through a glass darkly, he now sees face to face! PRAISE GOD!

Please pray for Grammy as she transitions into this new part of her journey. No matter how much this was expected, the changes and sadness are still difficult. Thanks alone to God, she is strong and has proven a steady example of love and peace through Grampy's last days on earth. She has amazing children, grandchildren, and other extended family and friends lifting her up in prayer...please don't stop.

A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that both of my grandpas would pass on to glory within a year of each other. From this point, two pillars who had always been a seeming constant in my life are not here. I knew this day would come...it was inevitable. But my little-girl heart had just expected these two men would be in my life forever. They would come to my college graduation, meet and question my future husband, they would watch me get married, hold my first baby...
But even without them present at these milestones in my life, their legacy of love and faithfulness will always stay with me as long as I live.


(The rest of the lyrics to the song: You Hold Me Now)

On that day when I see all that You have for me
When I see You face to face, there surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away in the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need and forever I am free!

Where the streets are made of gold in your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven rise to You and You alone!

No weeping. No hurt or pain.
No suffering, you hold me now!
No darkness. No sick or lame.
No hiding, you hold me now!

In this life I will stand through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day, theres a hope that never fades
When your name is lifted high and forever praises rise
For the glory of Your name, I believe for the day
when the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace...
Let the songs of heaven rise for You and You alone!



(Grampy, Grammy and Jenna)

(Aunt Aline, Grammy and Grampy)

lovely-o de mayo

Ahhh. what a nice hiatus. Ok so I didn't mean to take a two-month break from blogging. Yes, I tend to forget i have a blog...but those are just details. Point is, I'm back. Who knows for how long or how magnificent, but here I am.

So it is almost officially summer here in the lovely suburb of La Mirada. I say almost because even though the weather has been a consistent 80ish degrees, I am still in school. But the end is near.

*pause to rub my eyes and nose and sneeze a few times.* Whew. So I am experiencing a new phenomenon in my life. Never before have I understood the misery of allergies. But this year. THIS YEAR...my head decides it hates all living plant life and goes on strike. I truly have sympathy for those who have had to deal with this on a much worse level than me for years on end. sad day. In any case, I am learning to navigate the allergy world with as much grace and poise as puffy eyes and a runny nose can lend.

Back to news.
*You are now looking at (in your minds eye...)a new summer intern for LA County Probation. At this point we're just waiting for my background check to clear and then I'll be on my way to chalking up experience points on my resume. Go me.


*I am looking forward to this weekend...my brother and his wife (who happens to be not-so-great-yet with child) are coming to visit! This will just be semi-tangible proof that I am indeed going to be an AUNT!!! (semi-tangible in that I can only touch her belly, not the actual baby...yet.) Excited doesn't quite describe what I am. in fact, since words to not readily come to me...a squeak shall do. *suzy squeaks while doing a little jig)

*Today I had my self-defense final. As a rule of thumb, if it rains, that class does not meet. But today, all of us gathered in the drizzling gloom of this tuesday morning to take on the two biggest guys in the class for our final. (and by take on, i do not mean literally, because that would cause serious injury and maybe even death.) In any case, it was my turn. silly me decided earlier to be lazy and not put in contacts. So my glasses were all water-spotted. My coach said this was realistic because a lot of muggings happen in the bad weather when there are not many people around. So I made my moves. But my bad guy didn't go where I wanted him to, and it was an awkward start. So my coach said to do it again. which I did. And it did turn out awkwardly. I got 8 out of 10. because it was, and i quote..."A little iffy." What does that even mean? Ok so I could have done better. Anybody who has spent any length of time around me knows I love these moves and could probably do them in my sleep (or to my younger brother if he'd cooperate!) I was slightly disappointed. I mean seriously, you expect me to do my moves perfectly when i'm ACTUALLY being attacked? I think it would be iffy then. If any thing, I should get 10/10 because I was the most realistic. Ah well. Oh, epic quote from my coach (said dramatically, with appropriate voice fluctuations and pauses...trying saying it out loud for effect):

"Violence is almost never the answer. *weighty pause* But when it is...it is the only answer."

Ok then. I apologize to my readers who like pictures. I just don't have pictures. You get to imagine all these things in your mind and make the characters look like and do anything you want! This is keeping your mind young. See, if I give you visual aids all the time, your brain will get lazy. That is what all the leading research shows. Just sayin.

Anyways, I really should not be typing more. Because at this point I am merely putting off my Theology reading report. I gave up facebook for the week, and so I have simply moved on to other forms of time wasting. but give me a break. baby steps.

peace.

Calamity.

Ahh... and here I am. I would just like to say that I am so ready for spring break, its not even funny. But I have decided that the things that make spring break so amazing are those that make the week before a living place-of-fire-and-brimstone. So, for your reading enjoyment, i thought i'd share just what has been proving my spring break so well-deserved.

This must begin with the fact that today I lost my ipod, charlotte. Now you must understand that i have this deep connection to miss charlotte. not only does she go everywhere with me, but she is the representation of my musical expression and helps balance my mood like a magical...mood balancer. in any case. I couldn't find her anywhere. and I thought that either i left her somewhere or somebody stole her from my truck. to make the long story short and not draw out the suspense so you worry too much, i found her. =) happy suzy. But the agony of not knowing if I had lost a recently acquired $300 piece of metal and non-scratchable glass was sort of devastating.

Next story: Sunday night. now THIS is epic. and potentially lengthy. and about work. again. so if you are bored with that, then spend your time blog-stalking elsewhere.

So it was a beautiful Palm Sunday afternoon, and while my family was headed to simi valley for a cousin event, I was headed to downey for work. Needless to say (though i will say it anyways...) I was not too happy about this. on top of this mound of misery, I had a biology quiz the next morning at 8:30 which i was not prepared for, a genetics worksheet due, which i had not started and a lot of reading for my class right after bio. to answer the obvious question, YES i did know about it all in advance. and YES i did procrastinate. but that is not part of the story. the part that is relevant is that I was under stress and not wanting to work.

The night is relatively slow. 9 pm rolls around. My boss, Rocio says, Well suzy if it stays slow, then you'll go home soon. But there's a reservation for 30 at 9:30. They haven't confirmed their reservation, but we should be able to handle it without you if they do decide to show.

9:30- no party. I start my sidework.
10:00- twenty people show up. church people. who are coincidentally the reservation. and also sadly the most strongly disliked customers we have. they are so picky, ungrateful, demanding and overall sort of rude. Even i don't like them. and i AM a church person.
10:10-Rocio asks me to stay and help a little bit. Then the doors open, and in comes a flood of people. Now i'm not talking like a mini flood that comes when your sink clogs with hair and the water overflows onto the counter. I'm talking Noah's Ark flood. Never supposed to happen again, sealed with a rainbow, flood. But here it was. coming through our front doors. and not stopping. a throng of suit-clad, skirt-wearing, sister/brother-hailing church people. (So very similar to AC's its pretty scary...)
At this point i'm staying for sure. and there goes my sleep for the night. But it doesn't stop. they just come in and take over our largest dining room. and when I say take over, i don't mean like here and there as if they were wild flowers in a meadow. i mean take over as in the storming of the Alamo.

and I was Custer.

They start re-arranging chairs, tables and sitting down everywhere. I didn't count until later, but there were 76 people, give or take two. SEVENTY-SIX. and two servers. and two cooks. do you not realize how TOTALLY inSANE this is!?!? i picked my jaw up off the floor, where it had dropped, and just looked in utter amazement. I was stunned. where do you start in a mass of confusion such as this? which group of twenty do you start with? what about the out-lying families that decided to segregate in little booths but expect devoted attention too? Who looks like they'd be the most mad if i didn't get them their "water-easy ice-lots of lemon...oh and a bread basket" first?

Now normally I would totally flip out over this sort of thing. because I flip out over a double seating on a busy night. This was like a sextuplet seating. of parties of 12. heh. But thankfully Rocio told them that they would have to be patient as we were under-staffed and they had given us no warning.
But I did not flip out. No. I had superb help. My busboys were more than amazing. "Que quieres Suzy?". "Necesitas algo suzy?" "Quiero ayudarte...dime algo que hacer." They refilled drinks, got bread and helped run tons of food! And I smiled...ish, nodded politely, kept my cool and didn't yell at the cooks.

Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles. God took this server by the hand. turned her around and miracle of miracles led her to the cool-calm-and-collected land. And trust me, my co-staff was very grateful!

This was a difficult task though, let me tell you. I mean, we have this woman who doesn't know the difference between "camarones" and "pescado" (shrimp and fish) and cannot speak english. She keeps pointing at some other guy's chicken strips and insisting that they are "mariscos" (seafood) of some kind. but they're not. So i bring her fried shrimp. not what she wanted... So i bring her fish. SUPER not what she wanted. So i brought her a box and said i'm sorry...here, eat cake. she was happy.

I have to say when they first started walking in, I wanted to just turn around and leave. clock out and go home. maybe not even clock out. just run. And throughout the following two hours I would just look at the mass of people waving me over to ask for their umpteenth refill and feel sort of sick to my stomach. and then remind myself that this is not the end of the world as we know it. But that if it was, heaven was gonna be all the more worth it!

Anyways...results: More food on the floor than was left on the tables. substantial tips thanks ONLY due to auto gratuity. a headache. no preparation for my quiz (i get to do a re-do after spring break!) and a firm conviction to never do that to anyone in my life. and legend status. =) trust me, this will get talked about for days to come. maaaybe even weeks =P

Sadly, Rocio said this was the reason she didn't do religion...because if this is the way church-going people treat others, then she wants nothing to do with it. way to undo my months of work, church people. God, you must have something in this...it feels like several steps back. maybe a whole leap. but I trust You.

Oh. And this does not mean that you shouldn't take parties anywhere. please do. But give fair warning in advance. or be prepared to tip a whoooole bunch to make it up to the poor souls that wait on you. and please don't act like you should get the same service you would if you were a party of two in a room with four servers. Just doesn't work that way.

Whew. thankfully my boss has given me Easter, my birthday AND spring break off from work. (which, by the way, NO one gets to request of holidays...) and while I love my job mucho, I am very excited. Its been crazy.

sleep time.
xoxo

In N' Out

I think that when I get in the blog-writing mood, I find I can update more often. Yay for you!
The title of this blog post comes from the simple fact that In N' Out is basically amazing. So amazing, in fact, that it would be in the top ten things I would miss about California if I were to ever leave. You may think that this is is drastic, but seriously...scrumptious and simple food is scrumptious and simple food. period. (side note, i really like the word scrumptious too. it makes me feel so happy and like i'm all wrapped up in a big comfy blanket after a nice warm bath. does that make any sense?)

But since I mentioned a top ten things I would miss from California, I figure I'll go ahead and put that list in words for you here.
Now be forewarned that I have never actually sat down and made a list, mentally or tangibly. So work with me here. I am also leaving space 10 blank, so please give a suggestion for what you think could go there... Also, disclaimer. these are in no particular order of amazingness...they should technically be written in a round robin. This is a term I learned from Charlotte Doyle and is in that context about mutinies. It is where all the names are written in a circle so that no name is on top and no one man can take the blame for starting the mutiny. but i figure it works for top-twelve lists too.

Anyways.

1. the beach. (this place speaks to my heart. the ocean is so vast and one of the most beautiful creations of God. It is my place to go to when I want to let all of life go. I stand on the pier, extended from the land, the chaos of life hundreds of yards behind me, nothing but open, calm sea in front of me...)

2. the city. (for those of you who don't know, i thrive off of people. The city is full of life. depraved, broken, bustling life. I really cannot put into words what being in the heart of southern california is like for me. I can only imagine is like what a country person feels when they are in the middle of a lush field looking out over vast flatlands and basking in the openness, feeling their heart connected to that place. And for those who think the city is dirty and god-forsaken...don't be fooled. God is here. and evident.)

3. the mountains. (for as much as I love the city, everyone needs a place to get away and meet God. whether it be in a corner in your closet, driving in your car, sailing on the open seas or climbing a high mountain...everyone has a place. Being so close to the open sky, looking out over the smog-covered city i love so much, i am filled with an overwhelming sense of what God must see, on a very minute level. For anyone who has spent any time in the mountains, you know it has a certain fragrance about it that just proclaims life, God's creativity and becomes comfortingly familiar.)

4. the diversity. (I have only recently been thinking about how much i love the representation of diversity here. cultures, skin colors, languages, religions, foods, music, art, car models, names...it is so beautiful to me.)

5. the weather. (So I like snow. I really do. Its so prettyful, so white....SO COLD! Hence why i am totally fine just vacationing in snow, or driving up to the mountains for a snow day. But I do not want to live in snow. I can deal with fickle rainy/non rainy weather. But let the temp dip below 50 and out comes the winter wardrobe.)

6. the mexico. (i.love.everything.mexican. I love the food, the culture, the language, the country. I really can't explain it. And the reason this has anything to do with california is that mexico is SO close. and that I can work in a place where i have customers that cannot speak a word of english. i love it. they call me mexicana blanca. ;)

7. the in n' out. (told you it was coming =P. its just so...california. and everytime i go, i feel so californian, and at home. its quite wonderful. and turns out i eat there a lot. its easier on my college-girl wallet than many places.)

8. the idiosyncrasies. (i mean, we are called "land of the fruits and nuts" afterall. But I have come to just enjoy the *ahem* unique nature of people here. Yes there are unique people anywhere in the world, but come on... It could be everything from a professor who unicycles to class every day to a group of young adults walking backwards as part of a demonstration for whatever cause they support. people tie themselves to trees to save them and walk their decked out cats on leashes. oh the human mind.)

9. the popularity. (this may sound super shallow to you. But i'm not gonna lie that its fun to tell people you're from california and see their faces look like you just announced you are a professional dagger-swallower. a deeply satisfying mix of horror at your career choice and utter admiration that you have made it thus far without death. truly, we are superheros here. don't even trip.)

10. > (this is where the interaction side of the blog comes in!)

So that is my list. These are things I love. But I will say that I am not totally opposed to leaving california. Its not my heart right now, but as I well know, God is in the heart-changing business. So I'll stick close to Him and let him take care of me. He knows what i love. he gave me these passions. But he knows about things I might love that I haven't even considered yet.

And I know this is slightly off topic but the words to this Third Day song have been in my head recently after reading a Psalm proclaiming the Lord as King of Glory.

Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me...

His name is Jesus...Precious Jesus.
The Lord Almighty, King of my heart...King of Glory

March Madness

Here it is, the first day of March. Wow, how time has flown. And as I sit here pondering what I could write, I really am having difficulty pinning a topic down. (No, the title was not inspired by anything, I just have issues coming up with clever titles.) *sigh*



Ok. here we go. So this past weekend I worked four nights in a row, three of which were theater nights. This is big. Allow me to clarify. There is a performing arts theater that shares our same parking lot (along with an Embassy Suites) and every season they put on a play, musical, or showcase. Now this attracts a *ahem* unique crowd. Basically they planned it perfectly. The same sort of people who are generally attracted to Downey theater are also attracted to eateries like Mimis Cafe. (now as a side note, yes i know I have terrible punctuation and grammer skills and specifically that I forgot the apostrophe in Mimis, but there is none. feel free to check)



Back on topic. So, to answer the burning question I'm sure is plaguing all of your minds...YES! theater nights are WONDERFUL opportunities to make money. But allow me to clarify and gripe just a bit. These nights are also the bane of my restaurant/serving existence. Don't get me wrong. I like classy, middle-aged, wine-sipping, quiche-eating folks, I really do. But when you have like five tables full of them, and they left themselves a grand total of one hour to come in, wait, order, eat and pay...it gets challenging. What they don't realize is that over a hundred OTHER theater goers have the same plan.



So. typical table interaction:

Server Suzy: Hey there! how are you doing tonight? Can i get you started with someth---

Dignified guest: Yes, hello, we are on our way to the theater and can't be late, so could you make sure we get our food very quickly?

Server Suzy: *thinks* Yes, you and everyone else wants the same thing. and so help me, if you order a steak well done... *says* Yes! no problem, let me grab your drinks and I'll then put the order right in for you.

Dignified guest: Make sure you tell them to make ours extra quickly because we're on a time limit here!

*Suzy goes back into kitchen pondering how people can be so egocentric and how she hates it when she can't get her full greeting out without people interrupting her*

15 minutes later: order has been put in, kitchen is backed up, and the dignified guest is craning her neck, death glaring at me because it must have slipped my mind to put a rush on their food. To verify, she sticks her bejeweled hand up in the air and waves me down. All this time I'm at another table taking an order of people who are "ready to order" but have to look over the menu a few more times "just to be sure." I put up my finger in a very polite but clear "just one moment please" gesture, but she continues to wave at me as though i'll forget.

Continuing to smile, I head on over to the now disgruntled, but dignified none-the-less, guest. she proceeds to demand (in a very dignified manner, mind you...) where her food is and can't i see that theater is going to start in 15 minutes and why didn't i tell the cooks to hurry up and she could go back there and make it faster herself. I pull the whole "nod and smile" move and reassure her that it will be up in a very few short minutes.

THEN. I head back to the kitchen, start flipping out to my lovely manager who is running the slide.
Flipping-out Suzy: JOSEPH! where is my food for 109! They've been waiting forever, they're late for theater and they're super mad at me as though i did something wrong.

Cynical Joseph: well, did you do something wrong? *chuckles a mean and evil chuckle*

Suzy: um, no. duh. ughh just. grr. GET ME MY FOOD! Tony! Are the veggies trabajando-ing? (my form of spanglish), Jose! me das papitas on los dos platos por favor! gracias!

Jose: Judas, no te entiendo...estoy occupado y i no speaking english. (he calls me judas because I get demanding and then tell him how wonderful he is, so he says I am a manipulating betrayer of true friendship...or at least i think thats what he said. heh)

Suzy: JOSEPH! dumb cooks won't help me!

Joseph: suzy, stop flipping out or I'll fire you. just let the cooks do their job. you go do yours.

I then walk away exasperated. Finally my food gets out and I deliver it to the table. and to make it up for them, bring out their check, boxes and desserts to go so they can stuff in a few bites and be on their merry, theater-going way.
Then they give me a $100 bill and ask for change. Well I don't have change. so I go ask Joseph, who is busy and tells me to find Sol, who is nowhere to be found. so i ask a busboy. after painstaking counting through his million one dollar bills, I get my change and as I'm walking back to deliver it to the table, I see Armando out of the corner of my eye seating me another table.

and so the madness continues.

Now, don't get me wrong. i love my job. =) But it is crazy. This is just a little peek at the behind the scenes of a busy night for me.

If you have any questions. let me know, i'd be happy to answer!
xoxo

Pseudo-winter.

As of this week, winter as we know it here in California is officially over. That's not to say it won't come back in a few days, but for now its basically over. We went from freezing nights (literally) and lots of rain which blanketed our beautiful mountains with a layer of white goodness to balmy, cloudless 75 + degree weather. In less than a week.
But how can I complain? the palm trees sway in the breeze, I can bask in the warmth and wear short-sleeves and flip-flops. there is no room for complaints.

Ok, that is not completely true. there's lots of reasons i COULD complain. But I am not going to. I shall simply state facts.

School has begun full swing. Spring Semester 2010. It has such a nice ring to it. especially since it means i'm just one step closer to being done with this mosh pit they call college.
But in reality, God has really blessed me this semester. I am taking some amazing classes with some wonderful professors.
-Foundations of Christian Thought (Why we believe what we do based on Scripture)
-Theology 1 (Full on study of God) with JP Jones. And I have to say, sitting in his class for three hours once a week is a complete pleasure. I have never felt the pressure of academics fade so much in a Bible class as when I'm listening to him speak.
-Biology: just general GE requirement lecture class. I am so thankful this prof recognizes we are all just there to get our credit and get out, so he makes it as painless as possible. no homework, just weekly quizzes based off of lecture notes.
-Ethnicity and Minority Groups: Basically we talk about Race, racial tension, ethnocentrism, why we are the way we are and make distinctions based on color etc... a very challenging and mind-stretching class
-Juvenile Delinquency: taught by my all time favorite teacher who is pretty much amazing. We discuss children, crime, and her job as a supervisor for probation officers (what I want to be).
-Weaponless Self-Defense: I saved this one til last so I could say the most about it. It is a PE fulfillment, but also comes in handy given the line of work I would like to do. But this is no karate class. This is full on life-or-death self-defense. It is no game at all. Our coach is amazing, funny but very serious about what he does. (if that makes any sense...) And we learn moves that we only use when there is death, rape or terrible injury that could occur. This is not about social fighting.
Social fighting is what occurs when someone wants to establish rank. I'm better than you, stronger than you, faster than you and deserve more than you. Asocial fighting is when rank is not considered, and you are being viewed solely as an object that has something to be stolen, or violated sexually. My coach said that the ironic thing is, people who take this training are least likely to get attacked. They carry themselves confidently and do not look approachable or like an easy target. And if you think my 5'3", 130 lb person can't hurt someone who is twice my size, think again. When I am done with this class, I will have potential to be dangerous. Now my parents can rest safely that I will not go down without a fight. =)
(p.s. any further clarifying questions on this matter may be directed at me)


Anyways, my two Bible classes are concentrated doses of basic Christian doctrine and theology. It is so refreshing to go back and learn the fundamental truths about God as he tells us about them in Scripture. I am once again held in awe of how glorious our God is. He is with all, in all, above all and surrounding all. He is loving, wrathful, just, merciful. Interesting thing that was touched on tonight in Theo 1 is the concept of God's wrath. It says in Romans 1 (and i paraphrase here..) that the wrath of God is revealed against those who suppress the truth in unrighteousness. Atheists have to work hard to suppress the evident truth of who God is. And when they do that, God allows the natural consequences of their choices to come about. He isn't personally punishing them or letting out his anger towards them like an abusive father might to his children who bother him, but rather he doesn't stop decisions that have bad consequences due to the presence of Satan and evil in the world. I found that very interesting.

Now that this is like, the wordiest blog ever...and you're probably wondering where all these words come from...I shall come to a close.

I was encouraged to continue updating, and trust me, I think of it quite regularly. But i will make time for it! I do enjoy writing very much!
peace and love (of the Father) be with you always!

time is not found, it is made.

*clack-clack-clack* the continuous noise of keyboards being typed upon, the hushed voices of librarians, the rattle of book carts... all familiar noises to my astute ears.
But how can I be back so soon! it feels like last weekend that i took my last final and was headed off to a fun-filled vacation with the whole family! but alas, here I sit. MAKING time to write, amidst the busyness.

It is a new year. I have no idea what it will hold, but the anticipation excites me. It is sadly peculiar how fast time flies by. When i was younger, a whole week felt like months and it seemed as though time crawled. But now, it seems like a few months ago it was a Klotzle Christmas, we were all hanging out at the Rose Parade Route and once again a new year had begun.

and yet, so much has happened in the last year it doesn't feel as though it was enough time! Changing schools, jobs, meeting people that I can't imagine not having in my life or crossing paths with. It baffles me how each new year, each day really, provides a new facet to our lives that either changes us significantly or just adds a slight new dimension to who we are.

this is why I journal. I feel like i am fully affected by the world around me. I contribute and I soak up things around me, constantly being added to as a person. I enjoy going back over my writings and seeing how things have changed. It could be anything from a lost aquaintence to a new truth I learn about God, from a dramatic overreaction to a broken heart. Something as little as enjoying a clear, windy day to something as big as my grandfather passing away. and yet, all of these have been a part of my life, and I wish never to forget them.

Anyways, on to other things. I am back at school and enrolled in a grueling program referred to as IRIS. (Integrated Reflections on Interdisciplinary Studies). And I must say that it has been all I could want and more. Pros and Cons to follow.

Lets give the bad news first. Cons.
-11 days for two 3-unit classes that were meant to fit into a semsester.
-Mon-Thursday- 12:30 pm-9:30 pm with only a total of 2 hrs in break, spread out.
-A 2-4 page essay and/or quiz due every day by 11 am.
-terrible caf food for interterm. bleh.

Pros. WOOT!
-YAY! 6 units OUT OF THE WAY!
-Good friends to do the class with
-7 phenomenal professors who are extremely brilliant and dedicated.
-Sound education, both academically and spiritually, that will prepare me for the real world
-Awesome times of prayer that knit this body of students and professors closer.
-tears, laughter, hard work, joy, fasting, prayer...

And I would say that at this point the pros heavily out-weigh the cons. I am continually amazed at how God continues to pour his blessing out over me. Yes, there are obstacles, but he has made my paths straight and I can do nothing but lift up my hands in gratitude.

We were talking last night in class about how we know something. And it was asserted that we can say we know about the ressurection of Jesus because we read about it, we read about eye-witness accounts. But there is nothing that compares to experiencing something personally. And I can say that I believe in the resurrection because I experience a risen Lord. Yes its nice to have the literary back-up, but I'm not sure I could fully take someone's word for it without experiencing it myself. how have I experienced the Risen Jesus, you might ask... It is something that I can try to put into words. I have been forgiven for things I didn't even remember to be sorry for. I have felt a peace that passes all my finite understanding. I have been comforted when I was unable to find a way out of despair. I have had a friend when I felt abandoned, betrayed and alone. I have been heard when I cry out in frustration and anger.
But those descriptions won't help YOU know a risen Lord. you have to experience him for yourself.
And maybe I don't even know fully. As it says in 1 Corinthians 13:12 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. "
I cannot wait for that day, when all uncertainty fades and I can know wholly the God of all knowledge.

xoxo