heartcry

sometimes, i think far too much. i go over and over in my head...like a broken record, trying to find a little piece of a situation i might have missed. that maybe if i re-think it ten million times, what i did wrong or what i could have done differently will somehow magically appear and i'll be able to have closure. is that all i'm searching for? closure? but for what... i am convinced now, that all i really want is for me to feel ok and comfortable. a wise friend once told me that we are taught today to run and hide from hurt. it is so important to me to assuage my wounds. make them go away. find "closure" so that i stop hurting. but this isn't the journey i'm on. God isn't there for me just to be my red-cross nurse, staunching my open wounds after a battle. he needs to be my buddy, fighting along side me, holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder when i recount all my losses.
i just can't wrap my head around allowing myself to hurt, but to place into gentle, capable hands. will that really help me feel any better than thinking myself dizzy?
isn't it interesting that sometimes we want to know so bad...and then when we find out, it devestates us to no end. what is that in us that makes us want to know the depth of the brokenness? i would be open to hearing what you think about this.
i don't mean for this to be an "emo" blog...but i have been thinking myself crazy these past weeks and am learning slowly that hurt doesn't need to be swept under the rug. and maybe closure is a selfish thing... maybe its not my privilagage or secret to know.

somewhere in the back of my mind i hear the gentle voice whisper through my whirlwind of thoughts, "my ways are beyond your ways..." and i can barely hear it because i am so sure that i know whats best. afterall, it is my life. i do live it everyday. ha. but he created it. sometimes it makes me laugh to see how blinded i am.

God, hear my heart cry. i place my hurts, my fears, my desires, my confident attitude...all of it...in your hands. even if its hard to believe it right now, i choose to know that you care so much for me. i pray that i may learn to hear your consistent voice through my buzzing thoughts, to know that you have never left or forsaken me, but that i have muddled the airwaves with my self-centered pride.
thank you for second chances and for a love so great it chose me, with all my righteousness resembling something akin to dirty rags.

xoxo

no tengo un "title"

oh oh oh! guess where I am!!!!
mhm you got it. school.
hehe, you'd think i'd just move into the library, sleep under the desk, and chill here to write my blog posts.

Well, the Christmas holidays are rapidly approaching and with them comes a flurry of activity and a sense of packing so much into this short month. I can hardly believe it is December, because the weather is only now getting below 75 during the day. and i mean its hitting a mean 68...its killing us.

alright. tidbit time:
*Got back from the most amazing Thanksgiving in Mexico. stats [aprox]: 175 people. 6 Turkeys. 30 lbs of sausage in the stuffing. 15 bags of cranberries. 20 pies. 10 boxes of butter. and about 4 days of preparation.
It was intense.
*FINALS WEEK IS NEXT WEEK! this is exciting because I can hardly wait to be done with this quarter.
*I am going to be moving, because I am switching schools. I just finished my application process. But moving is a big deal, i have never moved. Its sorta scary, and exciting and sad all at the same time.
* I cannot wait until Christmas because all my cousins are coming out to visit, and i love good quality cousin time. no lie.
*I am quitting my job when I move, and that is sad. i love my job.

Ok, well my life wasn't as eventful as i thought. But anyways.
hope this wordy blog doesn't bore you. and you skip over it cuz you're favorite type of blogs are the ones with pictures only. i mean, seriously...if you went to the library, would you go for the berenstien bears or moby dick?
yeah. thats what i thought.

...i should add some pictures.
...but I won't because you should enjoy the power of the written word!
To God be the glory today! in all we say, do and think about!

Lyrics to my new favorite song:
"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise,
From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out..."
[Inside Out-Hillsong United]

[this is mexico, photo by emily kieser]

=] happy friday!
<3>

...there will be a dawn.

[v.1]
the lights go out all around me
one last candle to keep out the night
and then the darkness surrounds me
i know i'm alive, but i feel like i've died

and all thats left is to accept that its over
my dreams ran like sand through the fist
that i made
i try to keep warm, but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away....

[chorus]
After all this has passed...
I still will remain.
After i've cried my last...
there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
someday i'll hope again,
and there'll be beauty from pain.
you will bring beauty from pain.

[v.2]
my whole world is the pain inside me.
the best i can do is just get through the day.
when life before is only a memory
i wonder why God lets me walk through this place

and though i can't understand why this happened,
i know that I will when i look back someday.
and see how You brought beauty from ashes
and made me as gold purified through these flames.

[bridge]
here i am, at the end of me
trying to hold to what i can't see.
i forgot how to hope, this night's been so long
i cling to Your promise...
there will be a dawn.

[beauty from pain-superchick]

xoxo

Faith of our Fathers.

I am at school. so what else is new... I have a midterm this afternoon and I am SO ready for it. It is in history. Have I told you blog-reading populous how much history fascinates me? Well, allow me...please, do.

I <3 history. American history mostly. Our country is SO amazing. I don't know how many of you listened to Obama's acceptance speech last night, and as far as speeches go, it was a pretty swell one [someone should hire me his ghostwriter for my next speech class]. anyways, I was particularly struck by a part where he was talking about a voter in the south who was 106 years old. and he mentioned all the changes she'd seen our country go through. it was so amazing to me. i actually got chills listening to it. [this does not mean i'm an Obama supporter, he just gives good speeches.]
But I realized how rich our country is. Sad, deteriorating, full of sin and sinners, with more debt than Bill Gates has money...but still pretty rich. And we can read all about what makes our country great in any text book. But I think the most amazing thing is when we can sit down and hear first-hand accounts from people who have lived through the events that have shaped and molded us.

segway.

I had an pretty terrific experience the other day, following this same flow-ish. I had gotten home from school and this elderly man was out in his bright red motorized scooter taking a little jaunt around the block. he stopped in front of my driveway and in my head i was thinking, "I hope he doesn't want to talk...I just want to go inside and sleep." But he looked at me and asked me if anyone in my house knew a man named Bill White* [*last name changed to protect the innocent]. When I informed him that not only did we know him, but he is my great-uncle, I could tell he was pretty excited. He proceeded to tell me that he worked with Bill and they were good buddies. He spent the next twenty minutes re-living the good old days when him and Bill would eat pie and share a cup of coffee when they had good days and bad. I was now instantly fascinated by this talking history book right in front of me. I also felt ashamed of my attitude earlier. The man's name was Gene, and he knew he was going to die soon and wanted to see Bill before he passed away. Both men are very old and sick and with Bill living a good 45 min. away, the chances of them seeing eachother were slim. But Gene still asked me to give Bill his phone number and address and see if we could work something out.
The very next sunday, my mom was having potluck and who was coming over but Bill and his family. I had hoped Gene would be around, but couldn't get in contact with him. That afternoon, I was upstairs studying and my mom calls me down. Turns out, Gene had been riding by on his scooter and my mom stopped him to see if it was the same man. And at that same moment, Bill was driving down the street with his daughter. The reunion of the two was joyous and brought a tear to my eye.
Here is a picture of the two men:

Both Bill and Gene are men of God and I am continually amazed at how true the Scripture is when it says that the older should teach the younger because of their wisdom. Listening to them talk and share of their lives gone by and their hope for their eternity with Jesus is inspiring and makes living life all the more worth it.
There are so many of these people in the world, who have lived life and have learned hard and valuable things from it. I challenge you, as well as myself, no matter our age, to take advantage of those around us who have been there and done that. It wasn't on a whim that God allowed overlapping generations. This was on purpose. So lets grab the proverbial bull by the horns and dig a bit deeper into the mysteries of life by hearing firsthand experiences.
Sorry this one was a bit wordy =] enjoy.

xoxo

hmm. who would have thought.

So i guess this means I get to do random questions as well! YAY ME! There's supposed to be seven. but shhh i'm gonna sneak one in before i share my random seven... ok, here it is. ready? i love...let me emphasize, LOVE answering random questions.

Ok.

Tidbit #1: I read, re-read and re-re-read books. [up to like four "re-'s"] i just get so much more out of them the second, third, fourth and fifth times i read them. Some books are just worth it. I never get tired of them. I love the characters, the story and everything else about them.

Tidbit #2: as much as i love sunshine, i LOVE rain and cloudy days and wind. It makes me want to curl up in bed and just listen to the rain. I love bundling up and wearing jackets and scarves and gloves. [even though we don't normally EVER get to that point in california...this is why I have farmed out my brothers to REALLY cold areas of the country. they thought it was for their job or their wives jobs...but no. its a conspiracy. i did it. just to satisfy my cold-weather fettish]

Tidbit #3: I dislike a lot of things "normal" girls are supposed to like. and in WHAT rule-book do we find this? i don't like chocolate, shopping, shoes, decorating, etc...

Tidbit #4: i could go to work at a restaurant for the rest of my life and never EVER go back to school. and be totally and completely ok with that.

Tidbit #5: i hate walking up stairs one at a time. i always skip one. Because...well...its not cuz my legs are long. mostly because it goes faster. and is less tedious. i don't know. and when i go down stairs, i tend to not step on the last three...i just sort of jump.

Tidbit #6: As much as i wish i had grown up with sisters, I am glad i didn't. i love my brothers. And now i just get rad sister-in-laws to do all the fun grown-up girl stuff with. and we don't even have all that sibling stuff to get in the way! YAY!

Tidbit #7: sometimes i talk in text-message language. I'll say "brb" [be right back], "idk" [i don't know], "btw" [by the way] and some other ones. it bothers people. it bothers me. but, but it just sort of happens. maybe i should to to TA [Texters Anonymous].

So now you know! and don't you For-GET- IT!
<3

...estoy perezosa

its true. i am completely and totally lazy. I am sitting at school, in the library. it is new, and there are rows and rows of computers here on which to do research and write profound things. but am i doing that? no. of course not. I am so unmotivated its almost funny. but hey, at least i'm not like the guys across from me all sharing earbuds and laughing at an unidentified screen trying, unsuccessfully, to be subtle. tragic, really. THEY should be doing homework too. and if they don't have to, why should i? see. my logic is really quite flawless.

College is a fascinating thing. being around hundreds and hundreds of students who come and go from class to class..."learning." some far more motivated than others. And just now, as in twenty seconds ago, this guy next to me just asked me to watch his stuff while he went somewhere. i am actually quite flattered that he trusts me... I mean, in this place, you can really trust no one. I don't mind telling you that i have absolutely NO interest in snagging a snack from his well-insulated lunch cooler, or copying his utterly fascinating spreadsheet of physics data. i guess one doesn't have to be super trustworthy to watch his things. unless they were science and insulated-lunch-box geeks.


Anyways, back on point. This place is a myriad of people, buildings, ideas, lifestyles, religions, shapes, sizes, gpa levels and so much more. And here i am, so small...so utterly unknown and uncared about, and yet so significant to Someone who matters most.


This building is the CLA building and is really only known as "The Pointy Building." I think it is one of our greatest accomplishments. And its architecture is quite amazing, when you walk around it. but everytime i see it, the point drawas my head up and seems to be a beacon pointing to heaven. The day i took the picture was cloudy, but on a day like today when the sky is perfect blue and the sun is shining brightly and the breeze is blowing, It seems as though someone's grand architectural scheme is my reminder of who to thank for the day and all the blessings it holds. I am continually in awe of how amazing life is. I was thinking the other day that in the midst of trouble, doubt, and terrible days, God provides little signs to me to show me how much He loves me. Things like a full moon setting in the Western sky, clear mountains reflecting the sun with a pink glow, a dog who loves me unconditionally, a text from my dad asking how my day is going, a cluster of bright purple flowers, my favorite song on the radio. And so often i miss them, or don't see them as a gift. And then i wonder why God doesn't care and leave me here to figure out things on my own. mmm how silly i am sometimes.
take five and enjoy the moment in time, right now...discover the little gifts God has been leaving you today. The ways in which he's telling you He cares about you and wants you to know that truth about Him.
xoxo

summer.

The second one in a MONTH! this is a very exciting thing. like. super exciting. Ok. Now that I am finished having a victory celebration. I shall write more deeper stuff. [<-- is that gramatically correct? I was homeschooled, so its ok =] This post is solely for the purpose of showing you how the most perfect s'more is in fact made. [just as a side note, i do not enjoy s'mores as an actual food...but the idea is quite scrumptious. and i DO enjoy creating such a delectable delicacy as this.]


This is me. through the haze of smoke.
roasting the perfect mallows.



These are the perfectly golden
Mallows... oh they are SO
beautiful.


Here is the flawless assembly of the
scrumptious s'more.



This is a happy me posing with the s'more
which i will not eat. but would be happy to
share with the population of s'more eaters.



Now if you would like to know the tried-and-true way for the assemblage of a s'more, i take you to the true masters....
...and i quote,
"This is smores stuff. First you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the mallow. When the mallows flaming, you stick it on the chocolate and cover it with the other end. Then, you scarf. "
-Sandlot



kids. TRY THIS AT HOME. [with permission from your parentals, of course =]

<3>

[I did take this one, but not the one on my
previous post...]

...where has the time gone?

I do apologize for the reaaaalllly long break in writing. I always get inspired to write something and then when i actually get to the point of siting down and typing, i feel lazy, and uninspired. its tragic, really. So in the last few months, a lot has happened...in that slow, summer sort of way.

lets see.

• I went to denver to visit my friends, one of which who is now engaged to be married. Another one...joins the ranks. =] [<3>
• I went to Six Flags!
  
• I have kept a pretty steady 5-day work schedule
• My oldest brother got engaged [jimklotzle.blogspot.com] and so i'm getting another sister! welcome krissa!
  
• I aquired a new truck! YAY! i bought it from my grandpa, and have enjoyed being a vehicle owner for a month now =]
  
• My best friend moved to Cairo, Egypt for the school year, which is both exciting and sad.
  
• not much else. i guess a lot hasn't really happened.
  

So thats for my newsy stuff. Now on to the deeper stuff =]

I have reached the realization that life is good. there is not much in my life that God hasn't touched and blessed. I am learning so much, growing and counting it ALL joy!
Another truth that I am learning is that God cares about our attachments to things. I have a strong connection to my dogs, my truck and notes the people write to me. And while these things may seem simple and even trivial, what they ARE doesn't matter. God cares about my attachment and how it affects me. When one of those attachments gets broken, He is there to hold me close and cry with me. That makes Him so much more personal. HE hurts when I hurt. and He promises to comfort me and heal my hurts. Oh what a God I serve. I recently had someone ask me why do I believe in God? Because I have felt this power. I know what He does for me. And there is no justification for not believing in Him.

Cristo Me Ama

I went to Mexico once again in the end of June, and it was a trip unlike any I have ever taken! I was not part of the workteam that went down [Taylor Sunday School] and I was not summer staff. I was simply visiting to work or help teach summer school. My brother, Jim lives down there for the summer and so i was visiting him as well as the others at Casa Vida y Esperanza.

I had some experiences on this trip that included:
-Teaching time to children who do not speak your primary language using flashcards, hand signals and your limited knowledge of their language.
-Acquiring food poisoning from an unknown source. [I have not been that sick for about six years.]
-I learned that chickens can lay green eggs.
-Children with water are merciless.
-There are some pretty large creatures there in the summer, including massive toads, gargantuan spiders and monstrous lizards.

Here are some pictures from the week


Candi! She has come such a long
way since she came to CVE

Federico, Me and Lili. We had lots of fun
playing games and conversing in our
various languages.

There was a kids v. staff water fight after the
first week of summer school. I do believe
that the kids won, completely and totally.

Michelle, Maggie, Lupita and Jose...

The sunset right before the lightning and
thunderstorm. So beautiful!!

The Plaza

The Church buildings

Josue and Angel
[I was with 3 of Ruth's kids while
she and Manuel were in Los Angeles
with my family!]

Angel taking a nap. This was a common
occurrence in the afternoons.

the hens who lay green eggs and should
fear for their lives...who knows when they
will become Friday night dinner!

Announcement!!!!

Believing that this union was arranged for them for a reason,

Tylee-Ry

and

Buddy

along with their parents, Suzanne and Xavier (respectively)

would like to announce their commitment to have a litter of purebred puppies.

The anticipated arrival of these bundles of joy will be approximately in late August.

If there are any of those out there who would be interested in investing in a puppy

RSVP to Suzanne.

We greatly appreciate the roles you have played in preparing both of these canines for this big step in their lives.

summer is HERE!

This, my friends, means that I have all the time in the world to consistantly blog. WOOT! Actually, funny story...
At work the other night i was serving this great table, and they asked me about how long i'd been working or what i was doing in school...and I told them and then the man was like, you should keep a blog so we can read about your school process and stuff, sounds interesting! And I was like, well about that...I do in fact have a blog...buuuuut its not about school. and then there was this awkward pause like, well are you going to give it to me? and needless to say, i did not.
ok, maybe you'd have to be there, but it was funny.

So, my job is going wonderfully. I love it, in fact. Who knew that seeing hundreds of people a day would be right up my alley. :] My managers tease me relentlessly, and I am in the midst of the drama. Restaurants have drama. lots of it. But aside from all that, I am getting to practice my people pleasing skills along with my kitchen conversational spanish. I suppose its good to get whatever practice i can, but I'm not sure how far "da me un plato por favor" or "no quiere lechuga o tomates en su hamburgesa" is going to take me in communication. But, I am in fact, becoming quite polished in my restaurant talk. and as a result have picked up some phrases that to this day i'm still not sure what they mean. I just know that all the cooks laugh when i use them. and I assume they are not as clean as the driven snow...

There are many things that happen in my days at work that are both exciting and scary and just overall learning experiences.

-A lady collapsed in the bathroom and I had to go in and help her out
-Little 94 year old men who flirt with me and actually get up and do a jig in the middle of the restaurant...just for me.
-A lonely man who talks to me for twenty minutes about knots. And how wonderful they are. And how to tie them. in Everything. [yes he did demonstrate] He does not, in fact know how to tie a hangmans noose knot. He didn't see the use for knowing that.
-A lame/desperate guy who steals my super expensive pen and leaves me a note with his phone number on it saying to call him if I want my pen back.
-stupid busboys who thought it would be funny to poke a hole in the bottom of the styrofoam cup in the dispenser and watch as some poor unsuspecting person [aka me], tries in vain to fill up her cup with liquid, only to have it magically never reach the top. he thought it was hilarious. I...did not.
-The regular guys at the counter who insist I look like Ally McGraw...who is Steve McQueens wife. They in fact, now call me Ally.

All the good times in this business are worth the rough times. Seeing hundreds of people a day can really give you a diverse and well rounded view of the world...We do see it all.
I am continually stretched and grown as I face challenges of working in and among those who are dragging me down, pulling me away from my goal to glorify God. But I have been able to stand strong with His help.

My life. in pictures. with captions.

I have just loaded my pictures onto my computer, so now I will have tons to show you!!


they are taking forever to load.......................................[just a play-by-play of the process.]

OK! here they are.

I miss Johnny and Amy. a LOT.
mostly i miss their geekiness.

We are working on our relationship...
[ok. just kidding. it was all staged.]

Me and my Sunday School kids
[Ariana, Taryn, Annie and Caleb.]

This is where I go to school.
[That is the Pointy Building...]

My Grammy lent me her harp to learn how to play.
It is a very beautiful instrument.



Me and my cousin Tyler.

This is me and my friend Kaeli. She lives in Boston.
But when she visited California, we went beaching :]




Some people at my 19th Birthday Party!
[Steven, Braden, Braden, Jim, Ryan, Jana & Erin]




This is my mom. She cooks killer meals.
I want to be like her when I grow up :]



This was a kind security guard at Union Station in LA.





I will leave you all with this...It was written on the wall of the Audrey Cafe in Hollywood. I hope you can read it...It faced the mirror, so when you looked in the mirror, you could read it front-wards. :]

.peace.

Ready or not...

Ugh. I have been wanting to do a post forever now... and everytime i open up a new window to do it, I feel loss of inspiration and just can't keep going on.

At this rate I'll have to give a mini update on my life every time i write. *Sigh*
-I am now 19. Its SO in the middle of nowhere. but rapidly approaching the end of my teen years. Which sort of hurts my head to think about. And how come at every birthday, parents feel the need to revisit the fact that now that I'm a year older, I can take on responsibilities like "a normal 19-year-old." [whatever that means.] Well, in all seriousness, I am learning a lot about being grown up. which leads to my next point.

*by the way, take notes. there will be a quiz at the end of the post...and my powerpoint slides will NEVER be available online.

-The above words are also common ones used in my classes at college. I am almost done with my freshman year in college and am sort of, but not really, proud of it. ok. yeah, I am :] It's been a tough beginning...but the beginning IS always the hardest.

-I PAID TAXES!!!!!!! Now i realize that most people do not so joyfully proclaim such...proclamations. But this is a BIG thing for me. it means i have M-O-N-E-Y. ok...so not that much. and even less after the government took it to pay for your child's education. [unless of course you homeschool or are indeed childless.]
But still. paying taxes is a big step into grown-ups lives. I'm like...a grown up. :] maybe I should start drinking coffee... and carry around important papers. grown ups always have important papers.

Ok...so I think life update is done! WOOT.
Just some random tidbits of info from my life.
I miss johnny and amy.I wish it was summer.I am going to Mexico in a few months!I started officially running.I am learning to play harp.I have a three-hour physics lab every tuesday.It is late so I'm going to turn in with no more tidbits :]

Thank you for your patience as I have not been a faithful blogger.
Fare-thee-well.

point taken

Due to my sweet sister-in-law's subtle prompting, here I am to update. So here are a few tidbits in the life of...me

-I am still working and schooling....with only Wednesdays off completely.
-I am going to the midwest AGAIN! for which I am SOOO EXCITED!
-Jon Gerst and Amy Fiechter are getting married. pray for God's hand to be on the weekend.
-I just bought a new camera.
-and a new warrrrrrrm jacket
-God is good.

The other day at school, it was clear, windy and crisp/cool. In addition to that, I shared some encouraging words with my brother, sang some praise songs in the little piano practice rooms at school and I felt the Spirit just seep into my soul. THe world is such a wicked place...I am continuously bombarded by evil every day at work and school...and to have such a sweet place in my heart where God was holding me close, lifting me above the muck of this place was truly amazing.

I am learning to let God have all these parts of me. the parts that stress, get angry, lose heart and despair. I am continually reminded that He is here for me. But he needs my attention...my praise

Reminds me of lyrics by Keith Green:

My son, my son, why are you striving
You can't add one thing to what's been done for you
I did it all while I was dying
rest in your faith, My peace will come to you.

For when I hear the praises start
I want to rain upon you blessings that will fill your heart
I see no stain upon you
because you are my child, and you know me
to Me you're only holy...
nothing that you've done remains...only what you do with Me!

My child, my child why are you weeping
you will not have to wait forever
that day and that hour is in my keeping
the day i'll bring you into heaven

Chorus.

My precious bride, the day is nearing
when I'll take you in my arms and hold you
I know theres so many things that you've been hearing
But you just hold on to what I've told you!!!

OH to trust him THIS much!!!