peeling off layers.

As a fair warning, this is a lengthy post. But mainly because I am quoting a section of a book. But don't be intimidated by the words...they aren't all mine...but they ARE worth reading.

one of my favorite books is "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. It basically is the story of Hosea, but in fictional form. The book is fantastic, but there is once scene in the book that particularly grabs me every time. I've read the book at least three times and each time this scene makes me cry.

Quick recap...
Angel is a former prostitute who ended up married to this amazing, godly man named Michael.
Even though he loved her unconditionally, provided for her and never gave her any reason to leave, she kept abandoning him and going back to her old lifestyle. each time he went after her and brought her home and forgave her. Finally on her third time of running away, Michael doesn't go after her, because he realizes she must WANT to come back on her own. Angel decides that there might be something to this God that Michael has a relationship with. Instead of going to prostitution again, she actually starts a house for former prostitutes and teaches them skills so they can get new jobs and earn a respectable living.

But then she realizes she loves Michael and wants him to know of the change in her life.

So she goes home. And this is where my favorite scene takes place.

Angel could see Michael working in the field. She was so full of conflicting emotions she could hardly bear it. Self-doubt, self-hatred, struggling pride, and fear. all the things that had sent her running so long ago, and some that had kept her from going to him before now. She couldn't allow them to stop her again...With trembling hands she removed the trappings of the world. She dropped her shawl and took off the woolen jacket...she unhooked her skirt and let it slide...to the ground. She stepped out of it. Without faltering, she walked toward him...With each garment she removed and dropped, she cast away anger, fear and her blindness to the multitudes of joy in life, her own desperate pride. She had one single, abiding purpose: to show Michael she loved him, and she peeled away the layers of pride one by one until she was humbled by her own nakedness...As she came close...all her carefully planned words fled. So many words to say a simple heartfelt thing: I love you and I'm sorry. She could not even speak....Weeping, Angel sank to her knees. Hot tears fell on his boots. She wiped them away with her hair. She bent over, heartbroken, and put her hands on his feet. "Oh...I'm sorry..."
She felt his hand on her head. "My love," he said. He took hold of her and drew her up again...[his eyes] were wet like hers, but filled with light.
"I hoped you would come home someday."
(Redeeming Love: pgs 459-461)

I have felt like this not too long ago. Wanting so bad to come back to my One Love after doing something stupid and messing up. Feeling guilty, and yet loving Him so much, I can't stand to be apart from Him any more. I worry if He'll really want me back. Maybe I waited too long...maybe he has given up hope that I'll ever come back. But I knew what I needed to do.
This imagery of peeling off the layers and the trappings of pride, fear and doubt is so powerful to me. I need to come before him with nothing. Naked and vulnerable, kneeling at his feet, completely at His mercy.

I had heard the stories of the prodigal son...but when it came to me and my mess-ups, doubt filled my mind.

But when I fell to His feet, unable to articulate everything I had practiced in the mirror...he gently lifted me up and with tears in his loving eyes, said how much he hoped I would come home someday.

and he forgave me.

I am so unworthy of this kind of love.

and he has never failed to show it to me, even when I lose hope for myself.

My constant prayer is that I can come before my God...having peeled off the layers of my heart and exposing the hidden corners that represent shame and fear and guilt. He will do the healing, and will ALWAYS take me back.